Sliver Moon Bay: The Looking

by Ivana Hruba

  All us kids are talking about the weather. Gusts of wind rattle everything on the outside. It thawed overnight and the temp is above freezing so there’s slush two foot deep on the ground. Rain lashes the windows. It’s a real mess; some of the window awnings are torn off, sort of. Some of them are just hanging. Captain Josh is worried about some windows, on that side, busting. So we are redirected to the back wall where we sit around in a circle on the floor and play games.

  Who am I?

  I don’t know who I am. I can’t guess; I don’t know that many people from around here. I don’t care about people. That much. To notice who they are. Ah, but I’m not a person. I’m not an animal. I’m not a book character. I wasn’t in the zombie movie.

  ‘Oh, come on, Sarah, think, dude, think.’

  Okay, I’m thinking. It might help to see me from their point of view. What do they know about me?

  ‘Am I a bird?’

  ‘Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees. Thank you. Finally.’

  ‘A bird from around here?’

  ‘Course, dude. It’s only local things we all know about. Come on.’

  ‘Am I a...’

  There is a silence. I’m looking around in it, looking at everybody real close but no, they’re just acting normal. So I am not. Her.

  ‘Am I big?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Am I pretty?’

  ‘Ah. Hard to say. It depends. Not as such. No.’

  Okay, so I am not a pretty bird. Maybe, I’m hard-working. Busy, poking around on the beach.

  ‘No, not a hard worker.’

  ‘Am I loud?’

  ‘Aha.’

  ‘Am I popular?’

  ‘Definitely not!’ Everybody roars. Even I crack a smile. It sounds like science fiction, doesn’t it?

  ‘I mean, is there a lot of me around here?’

  ‘Sure, dude, plenty of you here.’

  Right. Now I know who I am.

  ‘Am I a cuckoo?’

  ‘Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees. Thank you. Finally.’

  So I figured it out. Just as the storm eased and we could all go home.

  49

  On the way home Lilian and I talked. About the party, a bit, and I thanked her of course, cause it turned out to be good fun. Really, Mum, thanks for the surprise, I said. I had fun. Everybody did.

  Lilian lit up like a Christmas tree. Said Dad was going to be so pleased to hear that. Then we started talking about the storm damage we saw around us. There was so much destruction everywhere. Trees were down. Bushes were flattened. There was a lot of debris on the road. Lilian was very careful going around it. We had a couple of tense moments but I still thought that, in a weird way, the storm hitting us with this chaos was a good thing. It was a clean-up day for nature, out with the old and in with the new type of thing. Well, it will be when this gets cleaned up. Course, it’s gonna be a bit of a job.

  Yes, it will be, nods Lilian. At least our place is all right. She means the caravan; our house is still waiting to be repaired, from, you know. But the trailer’s in pretty good shape, Lilian informs me, mainly because of our sheltered position. The houses in town fared much worse. Windows were busted, things blown off. Even roofs, somewhere closer to the harbour where it’s all open and it really blew. Listening to her, I felt lucky I had my party before the storm hit. If we’d planned the sleepover for tonight, I would have missed out.

  We get home and hunker down, again. The rain has intensified in the last ten minutes and we just made it before it really bucketed down.

  Lilian starts making tea while I get dressed. In my pyjamas. We’re going to have a pyjama day. Lilian wants to do some sowing. I’ll read.

  She turns on the television.

  Starling, smiling, clutching her sandals to her chest, fills the screen. She’s smiling at us, our little birdie, and we freeze. There’s no elephants marching on; there’s only the newsreader ladydude coming into focus, briefly, to tell us that one of Starling’s sandals has washed up on shore, in the harbour, following last night’s storm. Starling’s sandal fills the screen now. It is it. It is. The pink plastic flowers that Starling so liked to chew on, are still there, attached to the buckle. It is her sandal. So what do we do now?

  The phone rings. We don’t pick up. If it’s Chris, he’ll leave a message and we’ll call him back. But it’s not Chris. So we don’t care. It’s probably Captain Josh. Or the press. Either way, Captain Josh will trek up here, at some point. Reporters will get a scalding. So we’re not picking up right now.

  Sure, the day is ruined. I might as well change into clothes cause this here pyjama day in not going to pan out the way we planned it. We only wanted to hunker down, read, sow, watch movies, eat some snacks, maybe comb each other’s hair, and think about Starling, in fits, in bits and pieces cause that’s the only way of getting through the day. Course, now, the day is ruined. Lilian cries and I try to make her feel better. But I’m not having any luck. Thank God we have magic pills.

  50

  Captain Josh turns up the next day. I truly did not expect him until the weather’s properly cleared. But it’s turned cold again, and everything on the ground’s frozen, and it snowed overnight. Still, here he is, on our doorstep, first thing in the morning, stamping the snow off his boots, shaking it off his shoulders. He comes in, cap in hand. It’s a sad, sombre occasion. Even the cap is looking sad; snowflakes burrowing into its fur, dying there like we are, in shame. Shamed into thinking that we could have done something when it mattered. Cause that’s what everyone is saying, I see it in Captain Josh’s eyes. Cause he is nothing but a reflection of public opinion, even a child like me can see that.

  Yes, hindsight is always twenty-twenty, I get it. We should have installed smoke alarms, a baby monitor, we should have had child-proof locks on the door, higher door handles, secured windows, should have kept a closer eye, her shoes out of her room, should have tied her to her bed and if we’d done all that, our little girl would still be here.

  ‘We think she may have drowned,’ Captain Josh says to me.

  He’s given up on Lilian. She, of course, is well under now. Unconscious she is, in Lilian’s world where everything is soft and edgeless. Starling floats about, somewhere in there, just for her pleasure. It’s a good place for Lilian to exist.

  ‘We can definitely trace her to the beach. We found her bear close to the water, remember?’

  What does he want me to say? That I’ve forgotten? Seriously, dude. I know you’re nervous and this is a horrendous interview but still, would you just think about what you’re saying.

  ‘The sandal is hers,’ the man says, keeping on with the foolishness of his being alive, here, today.

  Course, I have no intention of making it any easier. Why would I? Is it going to help me in any way? Ease my mother’s pain? —Exactly.

  Captain Josh is determined to go down in a blaze of… I don’t know what, incompetence most likely. We’re past silly, beyond awkward. I’ve no words. He does.

  ‘All evidence points to her drowning.’

  Captain Josh looks out of the window. I’ll bet he’s ready to bolt he’s so uncomfortable with the silence I’m maintaining. I see he’s getting ready to leave; he’s leaning over the kitchen pull-out, a little closer towards me in preparation. Any second he’ll lift his buttocks off the sofa. But he won’t get off that easily.

  ‘What evidence?’

  ‘Well, Sarah, it’s what we know. Have. The toy on the beach found near the water the day after the fire and now her shoe found in the harbour. You don’t think it makes sense that your sister…?

  ‘Drowned? No, I don’t. I see how you would think that she might have gone down to the beach and fell in the water. But that’s not what happened. Starling would never have gone down to the beach on her own. We’ve told you this, many times.’

  Captain Josh is looking at me funny.

  ‘Sarah. The house was on fire. She would have been scared. Confused. She could have climbed out of the window and ran to
the only place she knew.’

  The man is determined to be dense.

  ‘No. She would have come to my room first. She always came to me when she had a bad dream. I’ve told you this before.’

  ‘Sarah,’ he starts but I cut him off.

  ‘What about the car that was seen around here in the weeks before the fire? You don’t think somebody might have stalked us and stolen her?’

  ‘It is a possibility, yes. But we have no evidence anyone has been around here. Your parents didn’t see anybody. You didn’t see anybody. We’ve been over this, Sarah.’

  ‘People in town saw a car snooping around.’

  He shakes his head. He’s got his cap on the table in front of me and he’s stroking its fur as if it were a kitten. He’s so nervous he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

  ‘That was a false lead, we think. There were a lot of press here at the time, Sarah. We think this might have confused people. Nobody has come up with any credible information. We’ve all sorts of conflicting stories. You can’t go by that. You can only believe solid evidence, that’s how it works, Sarah. I’m sorry.’

  We? We? Who is this we, you silly man. You and the auxiliary? That useless Detective Martin? Where’s a gun when you need it. —Exactly.

  Behind the curtain, Lilian stirs. Simultaneously we turn, crane our heads towards the sound like we’re doing synchronized swimming. It’s a ridiculous move. And this would be funny if we were somewhere else discussing something else.

  ‘I’ll come back when your mother’s feeling better. Good bye, Sarah.’

  He lets himself out.

  51

  We can’t get hold of Dad. It’s been over a week. His phone’s dead. So I’m trying to reach the boat now.

  ‘Hello.’

  He sounds different. It’s the distance. The crackle of the connection.

  ‘Dad!’

  ‘Which dad are you after?’

  —

  ‘Chris.’

  ‘He’s left.’

  —

  ‘You there, girlie?’

  ‘Yes, I’m here.’

  ‘It’s Sarah, is it?’

  ‘Yes. When did Dad leave?’

  ‘When we came back to shore. Four days ago.’

  ‘Did he say where he was going?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘He’s not come home.’

  ‘Well, I don’t know where he is. I’ve got to go now. Good—’

  ‘Wait! Was there another boat he could have got onto?’

  ‘I guess so. His contract with us is finished so he’s free to sign up with another boat. Sarah, he’s not here and I’ve got work to do.’

  ‘Okay. Good bye.’

  He goes.

  I don’t know what to do. Chris should have been home by now. He told us he had asked for time off and was coming to visit us. That was two weeks ago. So what has changed, huh? It would have taken him half a day to get back home. So where is he? And why didn’t he tell us the job was finished? He lied about that too. Said he got a few days off. Said he was coming home. What is this? And what am I going to tell Lilian?

  52

  It turns out I don’t have to. Two weeks later, Captain Josh comes to see her, at work, of all places. He’s waiting for her after she’s finished her shift. So she comes home in a state.

  ‘Sarah-honey, your father is gone. He’s missing. Nobody knows where he is. He’s not gone out on any ship they know of. They don’t know what happened to him. Captain Josh doesn’t know.’

  Lilian’s bewildered by all this, and about to burst into tears. ‘They’re talking about him, Sarah-honey. Like he’s done something bad because—’

  She leaves the unspeakable unsaid.

  ‘I know, I know, Mum. Don’t think about it. Dad would never.’

  I go on like this, trying to calm her down. Inside I am angry, at them; the cops, Captain Josh, at whoever else is behind this. They’re forcing us to deal with something we should never have to imagine.

  But it does look bad. For Chris, for Lilian too cause she’s defending him too much. She’s denying it even looks suspicious that he’s left. And he has left. Us behind. Obviously. And we don’t know what to make of that.

  53

  Things go downhill after that. Lilian spends her days moping. She cries, a bit, but it’s too draining, even for her. So she relies on me and her magic pills. It’s really getting me down. I worry about her when I’m at school, on the bus, even out, walking on the beach. I talk to Starling, a bit, but it’s no good. I know she wants to be with her Mummy. She’s told me that, in my dreams. Course, I know it’s only make-believe but it’s all I’ve got. Cause Fairy has not made an appearance, yet. I’ve tried to conjure her up but she won’t come. I think she might be angry with me. I don’t understand why. Once upon a time I would have thought she’d be pleased if I’d tried to get in touch, but not these days. Everything is different these days. Fairy ignores me. I still think, hope we belong together. I’m gonna have to prove it to her.

  Course, I’m lonely, at home now. Lilian’s in her own world. We don’t see each other even when we’re face to face. Thank God things are a bit better at school.

  They are, you know. It’s like more people like me. It’s nice, I’ll admit that. They’re not all dickheads. Still, I wish Lilian would perk up a bit. I’m going through hell too and do you see me burdening other folks with it? —Exactly. Okay, so I’m just gonna have to do something about this.

  ‘Mum. Mum, wake up.’

  She stirs, opens a bleary eye.

  ‘Sarah-honey,’ is all that comes out of her. She closes the eye. But I’m determined to be strong.

  ‘Mum. I want you to get up. I’ve made tea.’

  So she gets up. Eventually. She has a shower and then we sit down and drink our tea. She eats the porridge I’ve made.

  ‘Okay. Get your coat,’ I say when she’s done. ‘We’re going for a walk.’

  The forest is beautiful right now, dressed in white. We’re walking towards the beach, and it’s beautifully quiet, just the snow crunching underneath our feet. We’re holding hands.

  ‘I feel her,’ Lilian says.

  We stop. She lets go of my hand. Oh, dear. I see how she’s going to get.

  ‘I feel her around me all the time,’ she goes on. She’s looking at the quiet surrounding us.

  ‘I feel her too, Mum. It’s a good thing.’

  ‘It is,’ she smiles at me. ‘You were such a good sister to her. A better sister than I ever was a mother.’

  Now she’s crying. I’m not far off.

  ‘Starling thought you were the best Mummy in the world. She loved you lots of elephants.’ I spread my arms to show her.

  Lilian spreads hers.

  ‘Lots of elephants,’ she smiles through her tears.

  Now I’m bawling. But it’s a good thing. It feels right here, in the forest, where Starling belongs.

  We hug.

  ‘I feel she’s close, Mum.’

  ‘Oh, Sarah-honey, I don’t know.’

  But I do. So we will go on looking.

  54

  The walk did us lots of elephants good. That’s what Lilian said. And she laughed. Honestly, it was a good idea, getting her out of the house, getting her some fresh air and exercise. We came home hours later, rosy-cheeked and energised though we were tired. We even cooked Spag Bol. Made it the way Starling liked it. And we talked about her. It won’t be long and we’ll be able to look at her.

  55

  I’m doing homework on my bed. It’s seven pm and Lilian’s getting ready to go out.

  ‘Sarah-honey, I’m going out for a bit. You’ll be okay, won’t you?’

  She sticks her head in, from the kitchen, looking for approval. Looking like she used to. I want to scream and shout, course I do but I won’t. I’m keeping it together, for now.

  ‘I’ll be okay, Mum.’

  ‘Bedtime after homework, okay?’

  I nod, manage a smiley grimace. Lor
dy Lord, how things have changed. Lilian’s making sure I get a good night’s sleep. For school tomorrow. If you could just see Mummy now, Starling.

  ‘Have fun.’

  So she goes. It’s the third time this week she’s felt the need to go out for a bit. She came home drunk last night. Well, duh. It was Ladies Night at the local. So she was drinking, course she was, but she should know better. People are gonna talk. One kid drowned, the other a weirdo, house burnt down and now the husband’s left her; no wonder she’s a mess. That’s what everyone will be saying, at first. And how long is that gonna last? —Exactly.

  She’ll only need to catch somebody’s eye and public opinion will turn. Course it will. People can only tolerate tragedy if they like you. But if you look like Lilian, people generally don’t like you that much. Cause she’s beautiful. Despite all that tragedy, Lilian is still a beautiful princess. In need of a rescue now that her Prince Charming has vanished into thin air. Which, by the way, seems to run in that family, vanishing does, is what some stupid, witless creatures will whisper to each other while they judge her, looking at her with their eyebrows raised: What is she doing out drinking? Dancing? Is she serious?

  Yes, foolishly, our beautiful princess is out drinking tonight. She’s gone out with the intention of having a nice time forgetting. This could happen only if she were somewhere else where beautiful princesses are not such a stand out. But this is a small town. Most home grown girls look home grown, around here. You know what I’m saying. There’s a whole bunch of men who would give an arm and a leg to, you know. And now she’s vulnerable. One kid drowned, the other a weirdo, lives in a trailer and now the husband’s left her… It’s all there ripe for the picking.