Sliver Moon Bay: The Looking

by Ivana Hruba

  I wake up the next day, alone. She’s not come home after the third binge this week. Oh, dear. And she took the phone so I’ve no way of getting hold of her. But it’s a school day. I’ll drop in at the shop after and see if she’s there. We’ll go home together. Well, that’s my plan. It doesn’t work out. Cause just after lunch Amy comes to get me. She’s in her gym clothes, looks as funny as she usually does. Jelly-fishy, you know. All her mincemeat’s busting out of her Lycra sausage skin. But she looks serious. Oh, dear. There’s some bad news in this.

  There is. Lilian’s been arrested. There was a punch up in the bar last night. Something stupid happened but Amy doesn’t want me to know what. She’s making up a story about somebody buying Mum a drink. Somebody’s wife turned up. There was a misunderstanding and somehow Lilian punched the wife in the nose.

  Well, I never. I stand looking at Amy like she’s the Second Coming. What great news! The thought of Lilian smashing someone’s dial in makes me want to roar. With laughter. Glee. Happiness. You name it; it’s such a positive thing, this punch-up between ladies. Lilian’s finally showing some spunk. Good for her.

  Outwardly, I maintain a façade. Okay, I get it. It was ugly. It was grim. But, let’s put things in perspective. At least Lilian’s fine. Amy nods. Yes, that’s a good thing. Nobody was seriously hurt but the three of them, the husband, the wife and Lilian, did get arrested. But they’re talking to everybody, and no charges are going to be laid. This time. Course, it’d be for the best if Lilian gave Ladies Night a miss for a while. Yeah, okay. I’ll make sure.

  Amy gives me a lift to the watch-house. Lilian’s scooter is parked by the fence. Amy and I go inside. Lilian’s waiting at reception, chatting comfortably with Jim, the auxiliary. They’re drinking coffee, leaning on the window sill, by the stove. It’s really quite homey.

  ‘Hi, honey,’ she turns to me, with a pleasant smile. She’s looking relaxed but has a nasty scratch on her forehead.

  We hug.

  ‘I’m sorry I got a little silly last night. But it’s all good now.’

  We give each other a look.

  ‘Did you win, Mum?’

  We burst out laughing. Even Amy cracks it.

  Lilian nods, puts a fist close to my face. ‘I punched the cowgirl good.’

  Auxiliary Jim cracks it now. He’s exploding and his open mouth looks like a funnel, he’s laughing so hard. Well, the whole thing is funny. Just imagine Lilian, the size of a poodle, punching a cowgirl, the size of a, well, obviously. I wish I’d been there to see it. Almost wish Starling witnessed it too. But she would have cried if she saw her Mummy fighting so it’s probably best that she missed it. I would have got a punch in though. I would have killed that cowgirl, good.

  And we get on the scooter and go home.

  Later that day, I take Lilian for another walk. I want to speak to her about what we’re going to do. How we’re going to find our little birdy. I’ve thought it all through and I know where to start; I’ve mentally divided the forest into manageable chunks, like they did in the early days when we were looking.

  ‘We’ll comb through each section like before. But properly this time, okay?’

  She nods.

  ‘We have nothing but time,’ she sighs. But she’s on board. There’s no urgency. We just want to find her.

  Lilian’s warmed up to this. She thinks there’s a good chance we’ll find her. Curled up in a little nest. Hiding from the world.

  I totally agree. I don’t want to think about her being somewhere else, with someone else. What would be the point of that? —Exactly. Children who have been taken like that are never found. It’s an ugly thought so I won’t go there. I don’t want Lilian to think about that either. She’s better off keeping occupied roaming the countryside. Eventually, we’ll go to the beach. Cause that’s where Starling liked to play. Who knows, maybe we can pretend that she’s still here. Lilian will like that. When.

  56

  I think about Dad a lot. I suspect maybe he got a lead he didn’t trust the cops with. I wouldn’t blame him for keeping quiet and striking on his own; the entire investigation has been a cock-up from start to finish. I just wish he’d tell me what’s going on. He’s relying on me to keep Mum safe, I know that much. So I’m keeping up my end of the bargain the best I can. I just hope he is too. I’m hoping that one day he’ll be back.

  Course, Lilian thinks he’s left us for good. We argue about him, sometimes. I’ve even told her he’s gone off on a lead but she doesn’t believe me.

  ‘You’re wrong, Sarah-honey. Dad’s gone. He’s weak,’ she spits out. ‘You’ve got to accept it.’

  ‘You’re wrong, Mum. Dad’s strong. He knows what he’s doing.’

  Course, I’m lying to myself. Chris might have just thrown in the towel for all I know but you’ve got to believe in something, right?

  ‘Sarah-honey, I’m going out for a bit, okay?’

  And so it goes. She’s going out again, every Tuesday and Friday night. I think she had a date last week. She spent a lot of time getting ready. Looked great. If Chris had seen her going out decked out like that, he would have made her take that dress off. It was very short. And she does have great legs.

  But I’m not Chris. And she won’t listen to me cause she’s not scared of me. I do not scare her at all.

  So now I’m thinking. Is that what it’s going to take?

  57

  I take Lilian to the spot where Starling and I found the birdies. I show her the tree branch where we found the nest with the cuckoo in it. But the nest is gone. I look for it on the ground but it’s not there. It must have got blown off, away. Or buried in the snow. So now what?

  ‘Now nothing,’ says Lilian. She makes a grimace, making it clear that she wasn’t expecting to find Starling. I can’t but feel disappointed. In her. In her attitude and our lack of progress. On all fronts. It seems it’s always one step forward, two steps back with her. She’s just not putting in the effort and I’m only trying to fire her up, to remind her of what’s at stake here. I want her to picture our little girl peeking excitedly into a nest, looking at this bird, up close. It was exciting. For her. And for me. It seems to be falling short of expectation for Lilian. She doesn’t seem to be interested at all. I guess for her it’s a case of ‘you had to be there’.

  Lilian’s looking bored. And impatient. She doesn’t want to be here. It’s cold and she wants to go home.

  ‘But we haven’t finished. We’ve loads to comb through,’ I’m telling her but she doesn’t care.

  ‘Sarah-honey…’

  ‘You don’t want to do this today?’

  ‘I do but…’

  Lilian’s clearly unhappy. She’s looking stressed. I don’t want her to feel that way. She’s been off her magic pills, somewhat. She’s trying to stay off and that’s a good thing.

  ‘It’s okay, Mum. We can have a rest if you want to.’

  She does want to rest. She needs a rest cause she’s going out tonight. And she just doesn’t have the energy to walk about in this weather. The snow’s too deep and we’re not going to make much headway today, she feels.

  Okay. So we go home.

  58

  It’s only five days till Christmas. We’re having Christmas Carols this evening at school. Lilian’s coming. So I’m going to sing, along with the other kids. Even though I’m the worst singer and I hate it. I hate the sound of my voice. I sound like a little girl.

  ‘I’m a little snowman, short and stout. My nose is a carrot, my coat is white… Emily-darling, are you following Mummy?’

  It’s Fairy! She’s come back!

  ‘Emily-darling, you sing with Mummy. Come on now.’

  I’m keeping my eyes shut. I really want to hear Emily sing. But Emily is stubborn. She won’t say a word.

  ‘Sarah-honey, I’m going out for a bit, okay?’

  I nod. I won’t open my eyes cause I don’t want Lilian to see how disappointed I am. She’s ruined it. Who knows when I’ll get the c
hance to see Fairy again. Ah, well. No use blaming Lilian. She’s clueless at the best of times.

  ‘I won’t be long. Love you.’

  She goes.

  We don’t see each other until the performance at school, for which she’s just a tad late. At least she looks happy. She’s snuck in after we’ve started and now she’s looking for me. It takes her a whole chorus of Jingle Bells to figure out where I am and then she waves. Course, I can’t wave back; I’ve got these stupid actions to perform, like we’re in preschool. Course, everyone finds it delightful and it is quite funny. Lilian’s certainly enjoying seeing me clowning on the podium with a pair of antlers stuck to my forehead. If only Starling could see me now. She’d choke on her lollipop. She’d be sitting on Chris’s shoulders, licking and laughing at the same time. Oh, Starling, how I miss you, my little birdie.

  We leave after it’s all over. We walk out into the night. Everything is calm. Snowflakes whirl noiselessly about, in the absence of wind. It’s beautiful how they dance under the streetlamps. I wish we could walk home. But we’re only walking to the scooter.

  A man comes out of the shadows. He’s a big, strong dude huddled inside a sheepskin coat, with a beard and red curly hair curling out from under his beanie.

  ‘Hey,’ he says, giving a half-wave to us, a half-smile.

  ‘Hi,’ says Lilian. She’s breathless. But we’ve only been walking a few minutes.

  The man takes a step towards us. He’s big, towering. We reach the scooter at the same time.

  ‘How was the show, Lilian?’

  The dude nods, looks down at her, with a smile in his eyes. He’s a handsomely rugged, virile man. So that’s what she’s been up to.

  Lilian nods, looks up at him with a smile in her eyes. But she’s nervous cause I’m here. And I have power. Some.

  ‘Bruce, this is my daughter Sarah,’ Lilian looks at me pleadingly. She’s asking me to behave. Of course, I will. Why wouldn’t I? Does she seriously think I’m gonna make a scene, right here this very minute, out of some misguided sense of loyalty to Chris?

  Bruce and I shake hands.

  ‘Nice to meet you, Sarah. I’ve heard a lot about you.’

  Have you now? Pray tell…Course, outwardly I only grimace, nod.

  ‘Bruce and I work together at the supermarket, honey. Bruce co-ordinates all the deliveries.’

  I swear Lilian is perspiring so she must really like this dude.

  The dude laughs.

  ‘I just drive the truck,’ he says. ‘I don’t co-ordinate anything. I dump the stuff where they tell me to.’

  Oh goodie. Finally, a man who can follow instructions. I like that. And he’s got good teeth.

  ‘Nice to meet you, Bruce,’ I manage.

  I’m lying, of course. There’s nothing nice about meeting this guy. What’s going to happen when Chris comes back? —Exactly. And he will. Dad will come back when he’s ready. Sometime soon this dude must be made to understand this. Lilian, as well. But not tonight.

  ‘I’m tired, Mum. Can we go home?’

  ‘Of course, honey. It was nice seeing you, Bruce.’

  They smile at each other. I get busy putting my helmet on. I wish Starling were here. She’d have stuck her tongue out at Bruce. She’d have grasped the dude’s after her Mummy. And that’s not right. But what is right in our world these days? —Exactly.

  59

  I think about Dad a lot. I can’t help it; it’s Lilian who makes me want to see him. Cause she’s changing, too fast, and not in a good way.

  ‘Sarah-honey,’ she starts when she’s getting ready for work. ‘We’re having Christmas drinks at the pub tonight. So I’ll be a little late, okay?’

  Seriously, Lilian? I give her a look. But she won’t give up. ‘There’s chicken pie in the fridge for you for dinner. All you have to do is warm it up.’

  Oh, Lilian, you fool. There are other things I have to do. You’ll see. For now, I’m nodding. Okay, Mum. I’ll have the pie. I’ll watch a movie. Early bedtime cause we’re going Christmas shopping tomorrow. Sure. It’s gonna be fun.

  She leaves for work.

  I call her after lunch. ‘I have this pain, Mum,’ I’m telling her. ‘I can hardly move. It’s in my belly.’

  She freaks out, but cautiously.

  ‘Sarah-honey. It’s probably your periods.’

  ‘Mum, I’m not due for at least two weeks.

  I hear her thinking. She’s ticking, alright.

  ‘Make some camomile tea. It’ll make you feel better. And take your jeans off. Are you wearing your skinny’s?’

  ‘I’m in my pyjamas, Mum. My tummy hurts.’ I’m putting on a bit of a whine, Starling-like.

  But she’s not giving up without a fight.

  ‘Lie down, honey, and have your tea. Rest, maybe watch a movie. It will take your mind off it, okay?’

  ‘Okay, Mum.’

  ‘I’ve got to go, sweetie. I’ll call you on my break.’

  She hangs up first. Tsk, tsk. That’s not like her. Whenever Starling complained of the littlest thing, Lilian would freak, for real. Not half-assed like she just did for me. This sort of attitude could really make one angry, couldn’t it?

  She calls in an hour. I moan to her, convincingly this time cause she’s starting to freak out for real. She’s talking appendicitis, ambulance. So I talk her down and she promises to call no-one but she’ll come home as soon as work is over.

  Ah, finally, I can enjoy myself a little. I’ll watch something, a Christmas comedy, by the look of it. Ah well, it’ll have to do.

  In a little while I’m bored with it. So I’m gonna have me a little sleep.

  I wake up when it’s dark. My neon Fairy clock shows it’s 8 pm. It’s a weird time to be waking up. There should be a little noise going on next door in the kitchen. Cooking noise, washing dishes noise, background tv noise, sipping tea noise. But the trailer is quiet. Dark. Maybe there was an avalanche while I slept.

  Lilian? You here, Mum? I roll out of bed, listening. I’m peering out the window into the darkness outside. I’m looking at me. Here, in this window, and in hers. The picture couldn’t be clearer. We’re taking it up a notch.

  I slide around the trailer in my bed socks. They’re pink and fluffy, like a little duck that’s been coloured. Starling chose them for me. It’s best I keep them on. To remind me. Of what I’ve lost. Starling is keeping me focused. She would have had fun on a night like this. With me. Unlike Lilian who’s having fun on a night like this without me.

  I really don’t know what is going to happen with us. We’re falling apart, obviously. Dad gone, Mum going and where does that leave me? I don’t know. Oh, Starling, I wish you were here. We’d still be a family. Of sorts.

  At half past twelve she comes in. The scooter’s headlight signals me through the trees, in and out, in and out, iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin and out, like the Morse code. Chris explained it to me once, showed me with his flashlight how it works but that was a long time ago and I don’t remember any of it. Still, it looks like she’s telling me something, just riding the scooter home. Well, she is telling me one thing. She’s home. Late.

  She sneaks in, quietly.

  ‘Good morning, Mum.’

  ‘Sarah-honey,’ she’s looking at me, not knowing what to say next. Looks like a naughty girl caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Yeah. Like that. And that is my mother, standing there like a fool, stuck for words.

  Course, I have no such problem. I have plenty to say to her. But for now I’m looking at her, waiting.

  ‘You okay, honey?’ She’s trying to deflect, obviously. ‘How’s your tummy?’

  ‘Terrible. How was your party? Did you have a good time?’

  ‘I did, yes. Oh, Sarah-honey, I’m sorry. Time got away from me. And you didn’t call. I just assumed you were feeling better. I’m sorry,’ she’s pleading with me, hugs me, kisses my hair. It used to work on Starling. And it’s working on me now. I just can’t move even though she reeks of cigarette s
moke and alcohol and aftershave. After. Shave.

  ‘I love you, honey.’

  ‘I love you too, Mum.’

  Sometimes it’s just best to take a break. From the world. And it’s snowing tonight.

  We put on a brew of chamomile tea and sit around the pull-out, talking. She’s telling me gossip from work. I tell her some shit about school. It feels so normal I’m imagining Starling in my bed, sleeping, and Chris out there in the shed, putting the finishing touches to a surprise Christmas present. Something for me and Starling to enjoy. But there won’t be a new tricycle this year. Ah, well, sometimes you just have to go with the flow. I won’t mention Bruce tonight.

  60

  Our world is fucked, that’s for sure. But it gets worse when Lilian suggests we should have lunch with Bruce, on Christmas day. So it’s confirmed. She did spent time with him at the Christmas party. This has got to stop right now! I can’t run this show like this. Despite all my resolution, determination and gritted teeth, I can’t. I’ve got to let her know.

  ‘You’re fucked in the head, Lilian! Do you seriously expect me to have Christmas with that clown? What about Dad? Who is he having Christmas lunch with? What about Starling? Who is she entertaining out there, alone in her hidey hole, on Christmas day? Bugs? Worms? The Boogey Man?’

  ‘Sarah! How dare you!?’

  She charges at me. But she’s about to learn something new.

  SLAP!

  Her hand flies up to her cheek. She staggers backwards, away from me until the kitchen pull-out stops her. Tears spring to her eyes and she collapses, falling on the sofa. She’s acting this out really well. And she hasn’t even watched a soppy movie in a while. She’s been too busy romancing Bruce.