Wings and Beyond

by Joy Redmond

  “I’ll try to, Don.”

  They stood and held each other as their tears flowed. Finally, Don pushed back and said, “Please, just go. Run to your car and don’t look back. I can’t take anymore.”

  “Okay,” Mandy choked. She grabbed her clutch bag and ran out of the house, yelling, “I love you. Forever!”

  “I love you. Forever!” she heard Don yell, just as she opened the car door. She sat under the steering wheel for a few minutes before she started the engine. I’ve still got Lee, she thought and that brought her comfort, somewhat.

  On the drive back home, Mandy willed herself to go numb. She was getting good at it. She didn’t shed another tear. She got home, changed clothes, then went outside and sat under the elm in the front yard. She had no idea how long she sat, but she was startled when Iris called.

  “Amanda, I didn’t know you were home. I was helping Otis load fertilizer and I didn’t see or hear the car. Did you have a nice visit with Don?”

  “It was fine, Mother. I guess I need to feed the chickens and gather the eggs, then I’ll milk the cows.” Mandy felt as if she were somewhere between Earth and Beyond, as she walked out to the chicken yard. She thought Iris had said something else, but she wasn’t sure. She didn’t really care.

  Mandy remained numb for the rest of that day, and she had no memory of what she had said or done after she started doing her chores. She could still will her mind to go blank when her heart was hurting beyond endurance.

  The next morning, she woke up, wondering if it had all been a dream. But she knew it was real. Life goes on, she said to herself and she got dressed for church.

  The last day of school, Donnie walked Mandy out of the school building and walked with her until she reached the school bus. He gave her a quick peck on the lips and said, “I’ll call every day. I’ll see you when you can get out of the house. When school starts next year, I’ll be off to college.”

  Tears welled as she squeezed Donnie’s hand. “I’m so sorry things have to be this way. Thank you for not giving up on me and being patient with all the strict rules. You’ve helped me make it through another year. Call me and I’ll talk when I can.”

  She hurried away before Donnie could say anymore. She took a seat on the bus beside Shelly. Shelly smiled. “It’s still good to see you and sit with you on the bus. I still like you, girl, but—”

  “I know, Shelly!” Mandy said, cutting her off. “You don’t have to continuously tell me why we can’t be friends and we can’t spend time with each other.” She pushed Shelly’s hand away and stared out the bus window. I’m an outcast, a misfit and a laughing stock. But my day will come. Someday I’m going to sprout wings and I’m going to fly again. I’m going to fly away from this world that I’m trapped in. I’m going to be free!

  Mandy got off the school bus and hurried into the house. She headed upstairs to change clothes and talk with Nikko, but when she walked into her room, she drew in a deep breath. The desk chair was turned around backward. Several books that had been on a bookshelf were lying in the floor and her closet door was open and her shoes were stacked. How they managed to not topple over was beyond her. She unstacked them and put them side by side, then closed the closet.

  “Whoever you are, I know the feeling. I’d like to tear up everything in here, too. And some day I just might get the chance,” she mumbled. She changed clothes and went downstairs, ready to do Iris’ bidding.

  That night she lay in bed, and more hatred began to build in her young soul.

  She was about to doze off when suddenly, the aroma of roses wafted around her head. There were no flowers in the house. She inhaled deeply. “Thank you, Mama. I love roses, just like you did. I know you send me the scent to remind me of how much you love me. I love you, too. I miss you so much. Please give Evan a hug from me.”

  She fell into a deep sleep as she inhaled the sweet aroma.

  Chapter Eight

  The summer of Mandy’s sixteenth year, Donnie, Patsy, and Jeff came to her house one Friday night for their double date. As they headed out the door, Iris said, “Donnie, Amanda is only allowed to go to an indoor movie. Nowhere else! And she’s to be home by eleven o’clock. Not one minute later. If for some reason she isn’t home on time, then that means she won’t be allowed out of the house for one week for each minute that she’s late.”

  “Yea, ma’am,” Donnie answered.

  Patsy said, “Mrs. Hodge, there’s a double feature on weekends. The last movie isn’t over until eleven, but we’ll have Mandy back as fast—”

  Iris cut Patsy off and narrowed her eyes. “Then you’ll leave the movie early. You heard me say what time she’s to be home. No excuse for being late will be accepted!”

  Patsy’s jaw dropped and her eyes widened as she looked from Iris to Mandy.

  Open up, Earth, and swallow me whole, Mandy silently begged. If embarrassment could kill a person, Iris would have killed me years ago. Nikko was beating inside Mandy’s head. Nikko, please shut up or we won’t ever be allowed out of the house. Nikko didn’t speak out loud.

  Once they were in the car and headed into Bon Harbor, Donnie said, “Do we really have to go to an indoor movie house? We wanted to go to the drive-in theater.”

  “Hell, no! We’re not going to an indoor movie. We’re going to the drive-in. I know I’m dressed in a shirt and blouse and everybody will be in shorts, but if you’re not embarrassed to be seen with me like I’m dressed for church, then head out for the Starlight!”

  “I’m not embarrassed. Are you sure you want to take a chance on going against your parents?”

  “I said we’re going to the drive-in! I’ll take my chances,” Nikko answered. “Iris and Otis would shit a brick if they knew. The drive-in is the den of inequity, ya know. Well, I feel like being a sinner!” She burst into laughter.

  Donnie lit a cigarette, took a long drag, blew smoke rings, then he handed it to Mandy. Mandy deeply inhaled, then choked. “Well, I’ve got to get used to them.”

  They all laughed, then Jeff and Patsy lit up.

  “Oh, hot damn. This is gonna be a fun night, Mandy. And we’re going to pull it off!” Nikko whispered in her head.

  You got that right! Mandy answered in her head. She smiled and took a long drag. She didn’t choke. We’re getting the hang of it.

  The drive-in was fun and as she snuggled against Donnie, she felt like a real teenage girl instead of some freak whose parents kept her on a short leash. The drive-in movie was also a double feature, but Mandy watched the time and by ten-thirty, she said, “I hate to ruin everybody’s night, but I have to get home. If I’m late, you know what will happen.” Moans erupted all around her.

  “I know,” Donnie said, and Mandy could hear the irritation in his voice. She wondered if he’d ever ask her out again. She looked at the dashboard and saw the ticket stubs. “I want to keep these for souvenirs,” she said as reached for them, then unzipped the top flap of her clutch bag. In case I never get to come back, she thought. She stuffed the stubs inside the flap, then zipped it back. Nobody said a word during the drive back to Cross Pointe. I guess everybody is pissed. And I guess this will be the last time I’ll have a date for the rest of the summer, she thought, and her eyes stung.

  Donnie was quiet during the drive to Mandy’s house and she figured it was the last she’d see of him. She was no fun and she knew Donnie. He wanted fun. Well, so did she.

  After Donned pulled off, Mandy stood in front of the farmhouse and waved, her heart close to the breaking point. With a heavy sigh and heavy steps, Mandy went into the house.

  Patsy still called Mandy every day and told her about going out every night with Jeff and about them playing miniature golf and dancing at the pavilion.

  As Patsy talked, Mandy visualized being with her best friend and enjoying all the fun and her anger grew and doubled and invaded her being. She wanted to be a dutiful daughter, but she also wanted her freedom. Nikko wanted to take over and tell Iris and Otis what she thought and
how they were hated, but Mandy kept her at a distance.

  Mandy was surprised when Donnie called the following Thursday, asking if she wanted to sneak off to the drive-in again. “You bet I do,” Mandy answered, and she tingled. “I’ll be ready by seven,” she said as Iris walked into the kitchen. “The first feature starts at seven. We’ll have time to see it and most of the second feature.”

  “The drive-in doesn’t start the movies until almost nine,” Donnie said. “We’ll have a couple hours to car hop and visit with all the other kids. I’ll bring a blanket and we’ll spread it on the ground and some of my buddies and their girlfriends can come over and sit with us.”

  “That’s right. I’ll be ready by seven. I’ve got to go. Mother needs me to help with supper. Bye. See ya, Friday.” She quickly hung up, her heart racing with joy.

  Iris seemed stiffer than a board as she said, “You know you still have to double date. I better see another couple with Donnie when he picks you up, young lady.”

  “Yes, I know. Patsy and Jeff will be with us. And I know the only place that I’m allowed to go.” Mandy rolled her eyes when Iris turned her back, and Nikko wanted to cuss.

  “As long as you remember,” Iris answered. “And don’t think you can pull a fast one on us. We have our ways of finding out things.” Iris shook a finger, and Nikko wanted to bite it off.

  For the rest of the summer, Mandy went to the drive-in, and Nikko’s personality emerged as she laughed and talked with the other kids. Some she knew from County High School, where she attended, and some she met, who attended City High School. The two schools were rivals during football and basketball season, but the kids were all friends during the summers. She smoked with her peers, which made her cool in their eyes.

  She was having the best time of her life. She was finally accepted and she felt special, even if she did dress differently. A few girls questioned her, but she simply said, “I have a crazy mother. She still thinks it’s the eighteenth century. I just appease her.” She would laugh and the kids would laugh with her.

  She always saved the ticket stubs. The top flap of her clutch bag was filling up. Each time she picked up her bag, she hugged it to her chest as she hummed a song in her head, Among My Souvenirs.

  One Saturday morning, Iris walked up behind Mandy as she was washing dishes. “Your hair smells like smoke. Are you smoking, young lady?”

  Mandy froze but Nikko told her what to say. “Of course not! I wouldn’t dare touch a nasty cigarette. Donnie and Jeff smoke and they make Patsy and me sick, but we just put up with it.”

  Iris crossed her arms across her chest and furrowed her brow. “Uh-hum,” she said.

  Mandy knew Iris didn’t believe her, which meant that Iris was going to pull a raid in her room, looking for cigarettes. The first place she’ll look is my purse, she thought as panic ran through her.

  The phone rang and Mandy felt as if her heart was in her throat. Shit, Patsy. Not now.

  Iris answered the phone. Mandy finally blew out a breath, as she heard Iris say, “Yes, Mildred. I have some extra reed. I’ll be glad to bring it to Homemakers Club. We’ve got to get those picnic baskets weaved.”

  While Iris was on the phone, Mandy hurried upstairs, ran to her bedroom and picked up her clutch bag that was in the rocker. Her heart in a panic as she quickly unzipped the top flap, grabbed the ticket stubs, and stuffed them into her jeans pocket. She heard Iris coming up the squeaky stairs. She threw her purse back into the rocker, hurried over to the closet and pretended to be looking for her old work shoes when Iris came into the room.

  She watched Iris march over to the rocker and pick up Mandy’s purse and did a complete search. She didn’t find anything, so she threw the bag down. “I know you’ve got cigarettes hidden in here, somewhere. I won’t leave this room until you tell me where you hid them!” The tic in her eye was starting as she stared at Mandy.

  “I have no cigarettes, but you’re welcome to search my room from top to bottom.”

  Mandy walked over to the rocker, picked up her purse, placed it in her lap, and then stared out the window, feeling smug. She wanted to giggle as Iris lifted the mattress, opened every drawer in the chest and vanity, and then went through all the pockets in every skirt, blouse and dress in the closet. She even picked up every shoe and shook it. I sure hope she doesn’t do a body search, Nikko whispered and Mandy giggled.

  Iris turned and stared at her, then she marched out of the room as if she were a soldier before and after calisthenics. She yelled over her shoulder, “Get on your garden shoes and go pick the last of the green peas,” her voice controlled and tight.

  Mandy gave a slight salute and stifled a giggle. She glanced in the mirror. Nikko, winked.

  Mandy went to the garden, picked green peas, shelled them, washed them and got them ready for canning. When the jars were in the pressure cooker, she went out to feed the chickens, gather eggs, then on to the barn to milk the two cows.

  When the day was done, she took a bath, then went upstairs and began to write in her journal. She wrote for an hour before falling asleep. She dreamt of parties and Donnie and fun.

  She was forced from her deep sleep and jumped when she heard a loud crash. She jumped out of bed, ran across the floor and turned on the desk lamp. Books, pens and papers and a picture frame that held her freshman picture that was on the desk was lying in the floor. The glass on the picture frame was cracked and the crack was across Mandy’s face. The clutch bag was on top of the desk.

  “What? Who are you and what are you trying to tell me? Can’t you just send thoughts through my head and tell me? I’m not good at solving riddles,” she whispered. She picked up the stuff and put it back on the desk and set the picture back in place. She laid her purse back in the rocker. She left the desk lamp on. Iris can fuss all she wants to. I’m not turning out the lamp.

  She climbed back into bed and tried to find that special dream that made her smile but it was gone and she fell into a restless sleep. When she awoke the next morning, everything was still in the right place. She turned out the lamp, dressed and headed downstairs. When she reached the bottom of the staircase, she saw Iris sitting on the couch, her body shaking with hard sobs.

  She walked over to Iris. “What’s wrong, Mother?” she asked with great concern in her voice.

  Iris raised her head and pointed her finger toward the doorway that led into the kitchen. “In there.” Iris cried as loudly as a new born.

  Chills ran down Mandy’s spine as she headed across the room. Just as she stepped into the kitchen, she stopped in her tracks, her breath froze, and her temples pulsated so hard she thought her brain was going to explode. She wanted to turn and run, but she was paralyzed, as she stared at her drive-in ticket stubs, neatly stacked in the middle of the table. Her vision blurred and she couldn’t swallow and the world slipped away from her feet.

  Nikko yelled inside her head, You forgot to take the ticket stubs out of your jeans pocket. Iris found them when she pulled out the laundry basket. You’re as good as dead unless you let me take over.

  I’m too scared to move, Nikko. Do something. Say something. I can’t breathe.

  Nikko whispered to Mandy, I get the message. The purse on top of your desk meant the ticket stubs were found. All the things that were in the floor, especially the cracked glass on the picture, meant you are about to be destroyed. Don’t worry, I’ll take over.

  Mandy whirled around. “So you found my ticket stubs. What are you and Father going to do? Are you going to hang me by my thumbs from the rafters in the barn? Draw and quarter me?” She stood and glared at Iris and she didn’t hear the back door open and close.

  Otis stomped across the sun porch and into the living room. Then he was in Mandy’s face, shaking his forefinger, yelling with spittle flying, the veins in his bull neck standing out.

  Holy shit, you’re dead, Nikko said.

  Mandy went numb from fear.

  Chapter Nine

  Mandy backed up a few steps
, her heart pounding in her chest and her breathing ragged.

  Otis’s face was full of rage, and not one ounce of love or compassion showed. He moved in closer, still shaking his fat short forefinger in her face, and yelled, “I’m sorry we ever adopted you!” His eyes bulged as he screamed at her. “I’m sorry we gave you our good name for you to drag through the mud and act like a tramp,” he said as he looked down at her. “You get on the phone, call our lawyer and make an appointment for us to come in and get the adoption annulled. The sooner you’re out of our lives, the better off we’ll be!”

  Nikko became enraged, and she pushed Mandy aside. She held a smirk as she said, “I’m sorry you adopted me too. I never wanted your name, but since I had no say so in the adoption, then you can call the lawyer and do whatever it takes to get me annulled. I’m more than happy to get out of your lives!”

  Otis moved in closer, Mandy could smell his breath, a mixture of that morning’s breakfast and coffee, and she feared for her life. He leaned in and started yelling at her, spittle landing on her, and his eyes wild as he stared into hers. He raised his thick hand and made a fist.

  Iris let out a loud wail.

  Otis swiveled around and strode up to Iris and stuck his finger in her face. “Get her out of this house as fast as you can!” He turned and went out the back door, slamming it so hard the window panes on the sun porch shook.

  Iris, seemed to be in shock by Otis’s madness, but she looked at Mandy and managed to say, “There’s a suitcase in the storage room upstairs. Just pack what you need and I’ll take you back to your aunt Lou.” Iris’s body shook harder with sobs.

  Mandy walked into the kitchen, pulled out two grocery sacks that Iris had folded and stuck between the fridge and the outside wall. She walked back into the living room and gazed upon the crying woman who was wailing louder.

  “I came with two sacks that held everything I owned. I’ll leave the same way. I’ll only take what I can cram into them.” She ran across the floor and ran upstairs, stomping on the steps as hard as she could.