Chasing Logan

by Tracy Lorraine

  “How’d you get in?” he asks coldly breaking my stare on his abs.

  “You left you’re key in your dressing room.”

  “So you thought you’d just let yourself in?”

  “Well I didn’t think you’d talk to me otherwise. What’s going on, Logan?”

  “Nothing is going on. We’re done, that’s all.”

  “Just like that?”

  “Yep. You can leave now.”

  “You don’t mean that. Just tell me what’s going on. Please.” I get up and take a couple of steps towards him, hoping that my closeness might make him crumble because if I effect him even half as much as he does me then it should have some impact.

  “There is nothing going on. I used you when I needed you and now I don’t.”

  I feel my chin drop open at his harsh words. Talk about feeling used and abused.

  “Fine. Be like that,” I state as I throw his key card down on the coffee table. I stop when I get to the door and look back at him. I wish I didn’t because the look on his face tells me that he doesn’t really believe what he’s telling me but I won’t cave to him. I’m stronger than that. If I’m going to have Logan then I want all of him. “You’re only hurting yourself,” I say as I pull the door open. “You need to allow yourself to be you, you’ll never be happy otherwise,” are my final parting words.

  Reality hits me as I head towards my hotel room. That could be it. It could really be over between us before it ever really started. If Logan can’t admit to the world who is he and what he really wants then he’s not the man for me.

  I find something I wasn’t expecting when I open my hotel room door. Sat on her bed is Bella but she’s not alone. Sat next to her, propped up against her headboard is Pip. Thankfully they’re both fully clothed and seem to be just watching the TV.

  “Cole, what’s wrong?” Bella immediately asks, obviously my face says it all.

  “Nothing, I’m fine. What are you two doing?”

  “Just chilling. We didn’t fancy joining the others so we thought we’d just watch some telly.”

  “Okay, I’ll leave you to it then,” I say sadly. I could really do with shooting the shit with Bella right now.

  I find myself a seat in the corner of the bar, out of sight of the plastics, and try to drink Logan bloody Chase out of my system.

  I wake up the next morning still fully clothed but laid on my bed. I have no recollection of leaving the bar let alone getting myself up to the second floor of the hotel.

  “Morning, pisshead,” Bella sings when she comes out of the bathroom a few minutes later.

  I go to sit up but it’s not very successful. My head pounds and the room starts spinning so I lay back down and pull the covers over my head to hide from the light Bella turns on.

  “I haven’t seen you that shit faced in years, Cole. What happened last night?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Clearly something happened.”

  “Nothing happened with Logan. He just told me to leave. It’s over.”

  “But I thought-”

  “It doesn’t matter what you thought,” I snap at her. “It’s done, over, finished.”

  “Okay, sorry. You need to get up though, we’re leaving in thirty minutes.

  I feel a little more human once I’ve got my arse out of bed, showered and dressed. It doesn’t mean I’m looking forward to the two hour drive in the musty minibus to our next venue, mind you.

  We get downstairs with our stuff at the same time Pip walks into reception.

  “Cole, how’re you feeling? You were pretty out of it when we found you last night. Falling asleep halfway towards your room didn’t make it easy to get you back either, dude.”

  That would explain how I got to my bed then.

  “Thanks,” I mutter not really wanting a reminder of the state I got into last night. My banging head is all the reminder I need.

  Seconds later Logan appears with Victoria. I see Pip look over and acknowledge him before he looks back at me. He has this look on his face and I panic. I could have said anything when I was trollied last night.

  “Don’t worry,” is all Pip says before he walks over to Logan and Victoria and starts talking to them.

  “Come on, the minibus is outside,” Bella says when she bounces back over from handing our keys in. “Are you okay, you look like you’re gonna puke?”

  “It’s just…no, it’s nothing,” I say shaking my head. Pip can’t know, I read that all wrong.

  Just before the minibus is about to pull away Logan’s blacked out Range Rover overtakes us. I stare into the darkness of the blacked out window as it passes, trying my best to see him in the hope that the look on his face will tell me he knows he’s made a mistake but all I can see is my own reflection. After the night I’ve had that sure isn’t a pretty sight. I know he’s looking back at me though. I can feel it. Even with the glass between us I know the moment our eyes connect.

  Damn him with his sexy green eyes, prefect nose and sharp jaw line. He’s every guys, and girls, fantasy and I began to fall for him only to be kicked out on my arse.

  Argh my head is so fucked up. I want him, badly, but I also don’t want to be his dirty secret. I don’t do secrets. Yet time with him is so bloody good, sex with him is so fucking fantastic that I’d almost forget everything I’ve worked so hard to be just to be with him for the few moments he’ll allow me.

  I know it would kill me though. Only having part of him. A part of him that he won’t allow the world to see. I know he’s scared, I understand that but I don’t get why you’d want to live your life as a lie.

  As soon as the minibus pulls away Bella rests her head on my shoulder. She looks almost as exhausted as I do. She glances up at me, I can see the questions in her eyes but I know she won’t ask here. There are too many gossip hungry ears close by. So instead she wraps her arm around my waist and gives me a squeeze. I tip one side of my mouth up in an attempt to smile before resting my head against hers and trying to get some much needed sleep. I have no idea what time I might have gone to bed last night, or this morning, but it wasn’t early.

  Thirteen

  Everything is happening as normal around me. Each concert is as perfect as the last. Everyone meets for drinks afterwards if we’re not traveling to the next venue. Bella is her usually bubbly self and the tantastics are well…orange.

  Me, though?

  I’m more miserable than I can remember being in a long time and I fucking hate it. It’s like I’m living each day through a haze. Nothing feels as it should, everything is just muted and grey. This should be the best few weeks of my life but it’s down there with some of the worst at the moment.

  This isn’t me, I’m not one to get all depressed, especially over a bloke. But here I am.

  The only time I’ve seen Logan over the past week is on stage or his photo on my phone screen when I’m trawling social media for pictures of him because I’m a sad fucker. I know looking at him isn’t making all this any better. I need to cut myself off. It’s bad enough I can’t get away from him at night. Being on the same stage as him, close to him, is just hell. He won’t even return my eye contact, he just acts like I’m not even there. After everything we went through, that hurts. I thought I meant more to him than that, clearly I was wrong.

  “You coming for breakfast?” Bella asks

  “I’ll just order something in a bit. You go, though.” The look she gives me makes me feel even worse about myself. I’ve tried not to let my misery infect her but I might not be doing such a great job.

  “You need to forget him, Cole. You’re better than this.”

  “I know, it’s just hard when I see him every bloody night.”

  “I know, babe. I know. Please come for breakfast.”

  The sad look she gives me pulls at my heartstrings so I throw some clothes on and reluctantly follow her down to the restaurant.

  Everyone else is there, apart from Logan. I wonder if he’s been avoiding everyone as
well. I’ve told Bella not to tell me anything about him and she has stuck to her promise. It’s almost killed me not to ask her about him but I’ve done it.

  We’re just about to leave the restaurant when Bella snaps her head towards me. “Cole,” she says quietly and nods her head towards the entrance.

  I don’t need to turn around to see who it is but my body has a mind of his own because without instruction from my brain, it turns to look at him. I don’t know whether I’m pleased or not that he looks like shit. His usual messy hair is long and all over the place, his eyes are dark and circled by darkened skin. I know it’s crazy because it’s only been a week but I swear he’s leaner than usual as well. I give myself a talking to because if he is tired and not sleeping the likelihood of me being the cause is pretty slim. It’s probably got more to do with Annie and his family.

  I tell myself to stop being so self absorbed and turn back to Bella. But that’s not before our eyes catch when he looks around the restaurant. Looking for me? Probably not.

  I get the same reaction as I always do when he looks at me but reluctantly I drag my eyes away from his and focus out of the window. I don’t want him to know what he’s done to me and I fear that he’ll be able to see it in me, my misery.

  I grip on to the edge of my seat to try to keep me in place. What I really want to do is storm out past him. I may not want him to see how miserable I am but I do want him to know that he can’t get away with treating me like shit and just walk around like nothing’s happened.

  “He’s still looking at you,” Bella whispers.

  “Good for him.” I didn’t need Bella to tell me because I can feel his stare burning into my skin.

  I watch Bella mouth “you okay?” to Logan before she smiles at him.

  I won’t ask, I won’t ask, I won’t ask, I chant silently trying to convince myself that I don’t care.

  “What did he say?” Fuck sake, Coleman!

  “He just shook his head. He doesn’t look good, Cole. Maybe you should try talking to him again.”

  I don’t answer because I don’t want to show Bella how badly I want to do what she just suggested. I hate that no matter how much he’s hurt me if he asked me to jump I’d immediately ask how high. Pathetic.

  “I’m looking for Cole,” a security guard shouts over the music and chatter in the backstage bar before the show starts.

  “That’s me,” I say looking around to make sure there isn’t another Cole here.

  “I’ve got two people trying to get backstage. Apparently you can confirm their identity.”

  “Okay?” It comes out as a question because I have no idea who would give my name to get them access to backstage.

  I follow the security guard and as soon as we turn the corner I hear my name shouted before having her slam into my chest as she gives me a hug.

  “Mia, what are you doing here?”

  “I wanted to see Uncle Lo, and you of course!”

  “Drew,” I say sticking my hand out for him to shake when I get over to him.

  “Cole. Mia wanted to surprise Logan so told me I had to ask for you.”

  After getting them cleared with security I lead them towards the bar where I left Bella with the others.

  The look on Bella’s face when she see’s who’s behind me sparks my curiosity again about her and Drew. Her eyes widen and her cheeks flush as she looks at him. He walks over and gives her a quick hug. She has assured me over and over again that it’s nothing but I’m still not convinced.

  Drew and Mia stay out of the way and watch the show from backstage. Mia wants to surprise Logan.

  The four of us are sat around a table after the show with drinks while Mia goes at full speed explaining how awesome the show was and how she wants to do that when she’s older.

  We’re waiting for a minion to get Logan for us. To say I’m nervous about it would be an understatement. I’m not sure how he’s going to feel now about me sitting here with his family. I’m pretty much expecting to be sent away.

  Mia knows things aren’t right, she’s known for a while if that conversation I overheard the other week is anything to go by but other than shoot me the odd sympathetic look she doesn’t say anything.

  “Uncle Lo,” she shouts the minute she sees him enter the bar. She is up off the bench she was sat on and hobbling across the room towards him in a flash.

  The shock on his face is evident and the smile that precedes it melts my heart.

  Mia grabs his hand and pulls him in our direction. He briefly looks at me but it’s a fleeting second of eye contact before he greets Drew.

  “I’m starving,” Mia complains not long after Logan reluctantly sits in the empty chair next to me.

  “There isn’t going to be much about this time of night sweetheart, what do you want?” Logan asks.

  “Pizza, and then I want to get on the stage with you and sing.” The sickly sweet smile she gives Logan ensures that he won’t say no.

  “Okay, I’ll go and sort it,” Logan states before getting up and walking off.

  “Are you okay, Cole?” Mia asks when she’s scooted over next to me.

  I look up but Drew and Bella are lost in conversation and pretty much everyone else has already left.

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” I say trying to make it sound believable. The last thing I want to do is tell Logan’s fourteen year old niece that he’s pretty much ripped my heart out and stomped all over it.

  “He’ll sort himself out, I’m sure of it,” she whispers. She seems to have way more faith in Logan than I do.

  Ten minutes later he reappears explaining that it’s all sorted, pizza’s have been ordered and the minibus will come back for us all later.

  “Hey, are you coming back for drinks?” Pip asks as he walks over to our table. “The cars are about to go.”

  “No, we’re staying her for pizza with Chase’s family,” Bella says gesturing to Drew and Mia. “Join us?”

  “I’m sure-” Logan starts but gets interrupted by Pip when he agrees and pulls a seat between Bella and Drew. I’m sure I see a wave of disappointment wash through Drew at being separated from Bella.

  The next forty-five minutes is awkward as hell. Thank fuck for Pip and Mia who both seemed pretty oblivious to the tension around the table.

  “Will you teach me how to play the drums, Pip? Uncle Lo has promised I can go on stage with him in a bit, come with us?”

  Pip looks to Logan who just tips his chin in agreement. He’s barely said two words to anyone that isn’t Mia and he hasn’t so much as acknowledged me.

  Once we’ve polished off the boxes of pizza we all head to the stage. I’m once again lost for words as we watch Logan and Mia sing together. Their voices are perfect.

  “Wow, she’s really good,” Bella says next to me.

  Drew beams from ear to ear as he watches his little girl on stage. “Her mum could sing too, but she was always too shy. I love that Mia has the confidence to show off what she’s good at.”

  Once Mia has decided she’s had enough she calls Pip over and demands he shows her how to play the drums. She’s lucky we’ve got another concert here tomorrow night otherwise there’d be a good chance they would have already been packed up.

  Logan comes over and we all watch as Mia hops over to the stool and takes a seat. Pip talks to her about each drum before he hands her the sticks. He stands behind her and hold her wrists as he demonstrates a rhythm for her to repeat.

  It takes her a while but after a few attempts it starts to sound something like Pip’s example.

  She looks so happy up on stage making music. I can’t help but think that she’s going to be a huge star like her Uncle one day. Even at this age we are all captivated watching her.

  “I’m going to go and get my stuff from the dressing room,” Bella states after we’ve been stood silently watching the show for God knows how long.

  “I’ll come with you, I left my phone in the bar,” Drew says and I watch them walk off together.
Bella is slightly in front allowing Drew to place his hand on her lower back and guide her out. I don’t miss Pip’s reaction to that move though. His eyes widen and his lips thin.

  I bloody knew he was in for more than friendship with Bella.

  Logan and I continue to stand in an awkward silence watching Mia. He doesn’t say anything but I can sense that he’s keeping an eye on me.

  “So this is how it’s going to be now then?” I say trying to keep any anger I might have out of my tone. “We’ll just ignore each other exists until this tour ends then go our separate ways like nothing ever happened?”

  “Something like that,” he mutters but it’s so quiet that I might have misheard him.

  “Don’t you think you at least owe me an explanation?”

  “Me? What about you, whatever your name is!”

  “I would have explained if you hadn’t kicked me out.” I’m starting to sound less calm now.

  “You shouldn’t have lied to me then,” he says before walking off.

  I know I can’t leave it there so I follow him backstage. “Says the master,” I shout at him. He stops instantly and spins round. His face is red and his eyes are angry.

  “You have no idea about my life,” he shouts. “No idea why I live the way I do.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong though, Logan. I do know. You’ve let me in a lot more than you think you have. I know about your life, I don’t think you’re doing the right thing, but I know,” I repeat.

  “Fuck you,” he spits before turning on his heel and marching towards the bar.

  I continue following him but I’m too lost in my own head because in only a few seconds I slam into the back of him where he has stopped in the doorway to the bar.

  “What the fuck?” I mutter as I pull back but one look over his shoulder and I know what the problem is.

  On the other side of the bar Drew has Bella pushed up against the wall. Her hands are in his hair and her leg is hitched up around his waist as they practically devour each other.

  The roar that Logan emits is like nothing I’ve ever heard before. Then he’s flying forward towards them. He’s too fast for me to stop him.