Looking for Eagles

by Savannah Swan

  “Remember, it’s living the answer. Not sitting and navel-gazing on the answer. You have to push yourself out of your comfort zone,” continued Reagan. “Go to gay clubs. Go to meet ups. Don’t let the carefree attitude of your childhood slip away.”

  “My childhood wasn’t very carefree,” said Jena, thinking of how anxious she’d felt in her parents’ presence.

  “Well, the time you spent with Maggie was, wasn’t it?”

  “And my grandfather,” added Jena automatically, thinking of the quiet mornings they sat and drank coffee together, spotting the birds that flitted over the tall grass at the ranch. He’d come up with stories about all of them, weaving narratives about their lives, why they were chirping on that fencepost, or carrying this piece of string.

  Where had that gone?

  “So there you go,” said Reagan, the Cheshire smile spreading over their face again. “You know what you have to do.”

  Jena did.

  14

  Maggie

  Maggie and Jena stood on Ana’s porch. The night had become bitterly cold, so they sat close together on the swing out of necessity, though Maggie wasn’t complaining. She was happily inebriated and simply wanted to go home with Jena, which was nothing new. But the other woman seemed to be in a thoughtful mood, and Maggie didn’t want to puncture it.

  “I had a good talk with Reagan,” said Jena finally, taking a long drag on her cigarette.

  “Yeah?” Maggie was pleased to hear that Jena had been bonding with her friends. It boded well for the future, if it meant that Jena was the kind of person who’d get along with all of them.

  “Yeah. She, uh, they told me about this quote, from this poet, and it just made me feel a little better about my life.”

  Now this piqued Maggie’s interest. It sounded like the two had had a heart to heart.

  “What about, exactly?”

  “Basically, I just feel like I have more freedom to become the kind of person I want to become,” continued Jena.

  “And what kind of person is that?” asked Maggie, intensely curious, though she suspected she had an idea.

  “I don’t know. I have to live the answer, like the quote said. Just go out and do things and have new experiences and see what comes of it.”

  “You know what would be a new experience?” asked Maggie, suddenly cursing herself for blurting it out.

  “What?” Jena turned to her.

  “Um, never mind.”

  “No, tell me.” A gust of wind blew the cigarette smoke right into Maggie’s face, and she coughed and turned away. “Shit, sorry,” said Jena.

  “It’s fine,” said Maggie, wiping her face with her sleeve. “I just… I’m unbearably attracted to you, Jena, and it’s hard to feel that without acting on it.”

  “I feel the same way,” said Jena carefully, “but I want to be cautious with your feelings. I mean, after everything you’ve gone through…”

  Maggie sighed. “I’m not made of glass, you know.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t want to fuck up what we have together, either.”

  “You won’t.”

  “How do you know that? You can’t know that.”

  “No, I guess I don’t. But how can you live the answer if you don’t take chances?” Maggie turned to Jena. “Take a chance on me.”

  “I can’t say no to that gorgeous face,” said Jena softly. She dropped the cigarette and stamped it out with her foot, then took Maggie’s chin in her hand and kissed her.

  Just like that, everything changed. Maggie’s mind swirled with all kinds of tingling sensations and emotions, confusion and bliss and pure delight. She’d gotten what she wanted, but she didn’t know what to do with it.

  Well, there was only one thing to do. Just run with it.

  So she kissed Jena back, and was so engrossed in the contact between their lips that she almost forgot how cold it was outside. They pressed themselves against each other, less to stay warm and more to be as close to each other as they possibly could.

  Maggie’s hands found Jena’s neck, and she pressed her palms against the skin there like they were a scarf, and her fingers snaked around Jena’s jaw and held her closely. Maggie never wanted to let go.

  And when Jena’s lips trailed away from her own and toward her jawline and down her neck, she whimpered softly, the sound lost in the whistling wind.

  They came to a natural, slow stop, looking into each other’s eyes once again.

  “That… that was everything I’ve ever wanted,” said Maggie.

  “Yeah?” Jena quirked a brow.

  Maggie couldn’t resist the flirtatious expression. “Yeah. I just… I want more.”

  “There is more, you know. At my house.”

  Now Maggie was getting even more excited at the prospect of what was to come. Would they have sex tonight? Even if they didn’t, would they snuggle together under the covers? What would Jena be like, with Maggie in her personal space?

  That was something she’d never before done. The physical space that was Jena’s had always been back in Texas, and Maggie had never before had a chance to enter it. She’d never so much as been in Jena’s cabin back at summer camp.

  But now she was getting an opportunity, even if it was a rented apartment that wouldn’t have that lived-in feeling.

  “We could go,” said Maggie.

  “Yeah. Maybe we should say goodbye to everyone first.”

  That put a stop to Maggie’s fantasy. All her friends would know something was up if they left together. For the first time she could remember, Maggie wanted this to be private. She didn’t want all her friends to immediately know what was happening.

  But there was no getting around it. It would be rude to leave without saying goodbye. Reluctantly, she stood up, pulling her jacket even more tightly around herself, and opened the front door to head back inside.

  “I think we’re gonna bounce,” she said to everyone.

  “Cool, thanks for coming,” said Ana. “And it was lovely to meet you, Jena.”

  There was a chorus of similar sentiments from the others, and Reagan simply smiled their knowing smile.

  They stepped outside and ordered a cab, and within fifteen minutes, they were speeding toward the tall buildings and sparkling lights of Center City. Maggie realized she didn’t know exactly where Jena lived, but when the car pulled up in front of a tall and posh-looking apartment building, Maggie was impressed. She also realized she didn’t know a lot about how Jena lived.

  She was about to find out.

  They took the elevator up and came out to a hallway that looked like a hotel. Jena’s apartment turned out to be beautifully furnished, but sterile, almost like it was a hotel or a show apartment. This wasn’t surprising, considering she’d only lived here for a couple months.

  But the more Maggie looked around, the more she could see evidence of Jena having actually lived here. A collection of empty cigarette packs and beer bottles littered the recycling bin, and a coatrack held an impressive variety of outerwear. Jena seemed to have a defined sense of style. Where had she developed that?

  “You want another drink?” asked Jena, stopping by the fridge. Maggie could see there was nothing in it except more beer and a gallon of milk, as well as a couple of takeout containers.

  “Nah, I’m good, thanks,” said Maggie, entering the living room and taking in the rest of the apartment. It had a luxurious open floor plan and high ceilings. Jena’s company had put her up somewhere really nice, far removed from the decades-old homes Maggie and her friends lived in in the more residential parts of the city.

  Jena brought two glasses of water to the living room and set them down on the coffee table. She’d taken her shoes and coat off already, and Maggie realized she ought to do the same, but she felt oddly vulnerable in this sparkling, shiny place.

  Jena sat close to her, rubbing her shoulder. Maggie decided to take her coat off, after all. They were here for a reason. It would be ridiculous to keep her outerwear on.r />
  “You all right?” asked Jena.

  “Yeah, yeah,” said Maggie, though she didn’t feel right at all. The sexual pressure of the situation was a little too much for her to handle. Maybe she really wasn’t over Callie, after all. Or at least, not over her to the point where she could comfortably hook up with someone else.

  Jena sidled up closer to her and placed a comforting arm around her. It felt good, but Maggie couldn’t relax, knowing what would come next. Half of her body wanted it, but the other half was consumed with anxious jitters.

  Jena’s hand started massaging her shoulders, and Maggie let herself relax into the touch.

  “Maybe I can’t do this,” said Maggie, her voice suffused with disappointment.

  “Why not?”

  “Because you were right. I just feel like it’s too soon after the break up.” Maggie leaned back on the sofa, sighing.

  “That’s okay.”

  “It’s not okay. I want this.”

  “Sometimes, even if you want something, you might not be ready,” said Jena. “And it’s okay if you aren’t ready. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “But you are going somewhere,” said Maggie, increasingly frustrated with herself. “You’re going back to Texas.”

  “Yeah. But that’s not for a while.”

  “I feel like our time is running out, our time for figuring out what we are and where we want to go together,” said Maggie. “Like there’s a deadline.”

  “Now that we’ve found each other again, there is no deadline,” said Jena, moving closer to Maggie and pulling her into something of an embrace. “Listen, I’m not letting you go like that. The question is, will we work together? Will we end up together? And I intend to live the answer.”

  “But how can you?” Maggie turned to Jena, stricken.

  “Like this.”

  Jena took Maggie’s chin in her hand and kissed her again, and in the surge of bliss, Maggie felt her anxiety melt away. It felt so good to be with Jena like this, like they were in a sealed place away from the real world, where heart-tugging exes and long distance didn’t exist. Where they could just be together, enjoying each other.

  Jena pulled away quickly, though, a question in her eyes when she looked at Maggie again. “How was that?”

  “It was… it was good. I feel better,” said Maggie.

  “Really? You’re not just saying that?”

  “No. I guess I just don’t want to go farther tonight, necessarily. Well, maybe a little farther,” she said, running her fingers through Jena’s silky blonde hair.

  “Well, we’ll take it step by step, then, with no expectations. How does that sound?”

  Maggie smiled. “It sounds great.”

  This time, Maggie went in for the kiss, pressing her lips right up against Jena’s. Jena gave a soft, surprised moan and melted against the couch, allowing Maggie to do whatever she wanted to do.

  And she knew exactly what she wanted to do.

  She started unbuttoning Jena’s shirt, which was easy enough, then unhooked her bra and slid it off, admiring her small, shapely breasts, and the pink nipples that were already hardening. She had a hint of muscles that went further down her flat stomach, leading to… So of course, Maggie undid the buttons of Jena’s pants and then pulled them down.

  Jena was already aroused, her panties damp, and it didn’t take long to remove those, too.

  “You’re beautiful,” said Maggie simply, gazing all over Jena’s body.

  “Th-thanks,” said Jena, clearly overwhelmed with pleasure. Her eyes were screwed up tight, and her fists were balled up. If she was already feeling it this much, she was going to love what Maggie was going to do next.

  Maggie enclosed Jena’s clit in her lips, swirling her tongue around the tiny bundle of pleasure, using her fingers underneath in a rhythm. It was obvious that Jena was going to explode soon if Maggie increased the pace, but she didn’t want it to be over that quickly. This experience was one to be savored.

  Instead, Maggie slowed down her pace, though she still kept it steady, curling her fingers up to reach deep inside Jena, rake her fingertips down Jena’s thighs, and every so often, lap her entire sex with her tongue.

  Jena made some unintelligible noises, and Maggie almost smiled. She was doing a good job, and it was nice to have that confirmed.

  She decided to stop teasing Jena—because they’d both been waiting for this moment for so long—and get her up to the climax. She started flicking her tongue on her clit in a rhythm, lapping up the moisture as it slipped out.

  Jena’s body went stiff and taut, and she managed to get out a strangled “I’m gonna cum” before she released her orgasm.

  Anticipating this, Maggie kept her pace steady, relishing the moans and heavy breathing she heard above. She slowed her pace down until Jena went still and placed a hand on her head indicating that she should stop.

  When she got up, Maggie wiped her mouth and smirked. “How was that?”

  “That was amazing.” Jena closed her eyes and rested her head on the back of the couch. “And I can’t wait to do the same to you.”

  “Me neither,” said Maggie, getting up onto the couch.

  Jena helped undress her, and the feeling of being exposed just made Maggie wetter, so that by the time she was naked enough, she was dripping. Jena immediately started palming her and playing with her clit, teasingly, until Maggie let out a growl of frustration, which just made Jena chuckle.

  But she did bend her head down and start working on Maggie’s clit, eliciting a sigh of relief. Maggie leaned back against some cushions and relaxed, enjoying the attention. Jena was excellent at pleasuring her orally, and she slipped two digits into her entrance, exploring the area to add to the cocktail of sensations.

  “I d-don’t think I’m going to take long,” said Maggie, slightly embarrassed, but more delighted that she was having this experience.

  Jena couldn’t answer, but she slowed down, trying to elongate the experience. Maggie danced on the edge, twisting her body and contorting it in a futile attempt to keep the pleasure at bay, but it was too much.

  “I’m gonna cum,” she said breathlessly, and soon enough, she released her pleasure, shuddering. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had sex like this. It was easily one of the best orgasms she’d ever had—but how? Was Jena really just that skilled? Was it the strength of their connection? What was it?

  Maggie couldn’t believe what had just happened. The moment she’d been waiting for had finally come to pass. She was a little more sober now that the alcohol had worn off, and she could take stock of her situation. It was incredible that she was here with Jena, now, in what felt like the future.

  “So, how was that?” Jena looked up at her with a sexy smirk that made her heart melt all over again.

  “That was amazing,” said Maggie. In fact, she was privately thinking about how Callie had never paid as much attention to her pleasure, in such an extraordinarily detailed way, with such finesse… It was like she was continually learning about all the bullets she’d dodged.

  But as she came down from the post-orgasm high and back to reality, her heart twinged with pain as she realized, yet again, that their time together was limited. How in the world was she going to accelerate their relationship to the point where it was serious—serious enough for one of them to consider moving—in just a couple of months?

  And could she even leave Philadelphia? She’d been here for so long and had built a life. Practically every time she stepped outside her house, she saw someone she knew. It was like college. And she’d watched the city grow so much, it was like an ancient sibling who she’d come to love and grow with. From her floundering years after undergrad to her more settled existence today, Philadelphia was in her bones. How often had she seen the skyscrapers as she’d driven into the city with her parents, wondering when she could live in the glittering, big city?

  And then there was the question of Jena’s vices. Maggie now knew that she wa
sn’t going to put up with someone who abused alcohol and other substances. If only Jena could quit her casual smoking… Maggie had already observed that she’d stopped drinking as much.

  Maybe it was time for a bit of honesty while they were still in a good mood. But Maggie’s heart pounded as she even thought about bringing all this up with Jena. What if the answer was the wrong one—that they couldn’t be together after all? After time and space had bent itself to bring them together again?

  Jena sat up next to Maggie and wrapped her arms around her, holding her closely. Maggie appreciated the close contact, even if layers of fabric were between them.

  “Jena, I was thinking…”

  “Yeah?”

  “What is going to happen to us, logistically? If you go back to Austin, how are we going to handle a relationship?” Maggie stared ahead of her, unable to look toward Jena.

  “I mean, I can fly here… But I told you, didn’t I, that I’d move if I felt strongly enough about it?” said Jena softly.

  “Are you sure? Your whole life is in Texas.”

  “No, that’s not true. What’s there for me? My shitty parents and my shitty coworkers? My grandparents are long passed, and my parents live on the ranch now. I never see them. But on the other hand, what’s here for you? Your best friends, a job you actually like, a city you’ve immersed yourself in?”

  “But still, to uproot yourself…”

  “You’re thinking about it from your perspective, though. It’s hard for you to imagine uprooting yourself because you have so much going on here. There’s nothing tying me to Austin,” said Jena.

  Maggie was silent. Jena was right, after all. Already Jena was getting to know Maggie’s friends, thinking about a career change, and developing a relationship with Maggie. She was already putting down roots here, after only a few months.

  “There’s one more thing, though…” said Maggie. “I… I don’t think I can date a smoker. I’m sorry. It doesn’t mean I love you less—”

  “Maggie.” Jena stopped her with one word. “I know I need to quit smoking. If I have you, then…”