Looking for Eagles

by Savannah Swan

  “You’d quit for me?”

  “No. I’ve tried quitting before and the one thing that’s true is that you have to quit for yourself, and no one else. But the extra motivation doesn’t hurt.”

  That was easier than Maggie had expected. But would it all actually happen? Or would Jena move back to Austin and decide that it was much easier to remain where she was, friendless and overworked?

  “Maggie, you’ve always inspired me to do better and want to be better. From the first time we met, I admired your confidence and how outgoing you were,” said Jena.

  “What? I admired how thoughtful and quiet you were. It was like you could slow down time and be peaceful,” said Maggie, surprised to hear that she could be the object of anyone’s admiration.

  “So that means we’re good for each other, right?” asked Jena, raising a hand to stroke Maggie’s hair, down her jawline, and over her collarbone.

  “I guess it does,” said Maggie. “I mean… You’ve brought new hope to my life. It’s so magical, like the hand of God, that you’ve entered my life again.”

  “It is magical,” agreed Jena. “And I can already see the improvements in myself. For one thing, my itch for casual sex has pretty much… gone.”

  “You know, Jena,” Maggie started, her heart now pounding so loudly she was sure Jena could hear it, “I used to have the same problem in college.”

  “Casual sex?”

  “Well, it’s not a problem in and of itself, but yeah. I did it for the wrong reasons. Because I was trying to fill a void inside.”

  The void of losing you, Maggie thought, but she didn’t say it. She didn’t want to make Jena feel guilty at all.

  “That’s what it is,” said Jena. “I was filling a void inside. But now I have you.”

  Maggie laughed softly.

  “I just can’t believe that you of all people were into sleeping around,” said Jena. “You always seemed more, I don’t know, proper, or something. And I thought your religiousness would have prevented you from doing it.”

  “Oh, trust me, I had a lot of guilt, but I got over it, once I realized that God isn’t trying to micromanage peoples’ sex lives. All He cares about is that you’re a good person,” said Maggie.

  “Now that I can agree with.”

  The two women fell silent once more, and Maggie could only think about how Jena had taken her confession in stride, without the wide eyes and shock that would have made Maggie hesitant to admit it at all. Of course Jena would be unfazed. But Maggie was pleasantly surprised to see that she was also nonjudgemental.

  Maggie bent her head and rested it on Jena’s chest, closing her eyes and taking in the scent of her friend—or lover.

  If only she could freeze this moment forever.

  15

  Maggie

  FALL 2001

  You knew you were living life in a questionable way when you felt absolutely loathe to get up in the morning.

  But the consequences of staying would have been even worse. Maggie had extricated herself from the tangle of sheets, taking one last glance at last night’s sex partner, hastily slipping on her clothes, and getting out of there.

  Again, she told herself she wouldn’t do it anymore, that she’d stop and maybe actually date people to find a nice, new girlfriend—but there was no point. Her body had complete sway over her, and it was inevitable she’d end up in someone else’s bed. It was inevitable. Almost like it was fated to be.

  Maggie made her way down the stairs of the residence hall, straightening her clothes so she looked somewhat presentable. Of course, it was a walk of shame, so there was only so much she could do, but she would hold her head high and avoid all eye contact until she got to the front door of her own dorm.

  It was early in the morning, though, and she was starving. There was a dining hall on the way where she could grab a bite to eat, so she adjusted her route and headed in that direction instead.

  The other awful part of these mornings was that she had all the time in the world before the rest of campus had woken up to think about what she’d done and what a bad person she was for doing it. How often had it been drilled into her head to avoid casual sex? It was bad for her physical and mental health. Maggie didn’t quite believe that fully, since she saw plenty of other college students sleeping around without any issues, but if you were the kind of person who wasn’t wired for it, it would take its toll on you.

  And was it what God would have wanted? Maggie was under the impression that sex was something to be reserved only for people you loved, but then again, that belief was challenged by all the people around her who seemed perfectly happy with their casual encounters.

  It was a lot to think about, and Maggie had no idea who to go to for guidance. She knew exactly what any given person would say to her on the topic, so she had to figure out what she believed. That was the hard part.

  Maybe she ought to go to a therapist; they were offered freely for students at the counseling center. But then, she didn’t know what a therapist could tell her that she didn’t already know herself.

  It was obvious why she was in such a state. Her ex-girlfriend, Alexis, had dumped her unceremoniously last semester. That relationship hadn’t even lasted that long, partially because Maggie was still hung up on Jena. Where the fuck had she gone? It was like she’d dropped off the face of the Earth. The only thing Maggie could do, if she really wanted to find her, was hire a private investigator, and that would cost too much money; plus, it was too stalkery.

  But after Jena had disappeared, Maggie had been left with a hole in her heart, a hole she tried to fill with the attentions of other people. It wasn’t working. Maybe she was due for a change. Her number was getting too high.

  She was so lost in thought that she walked right into another person.

  “Shit, shit, I’m sorry,” said Maggie, feeling dizzy with the crash and the hangover that was swirling in her brain.

  “Oh, it’s fine,” said the other person. “It’s early.”

  “Too early,” Maggie agreed, as she looked up at the person she’d bumped into.

  Her jaw dropped. She was a goddess, easily one of the most beautiful people Maggie had ever seen. Her long, black hair fell in sheets around her face, like it was from a shampoo commercial, and her hazel eyes were perfectly outlined in black eyeliner. She looked like she was biracial, maybe, and she was built like a Victoria’s Secret model. In fact, Maggie would bet money she was a sorority girl, since she looked so put together and flawless, if she wasn’t dressed in a distinctly alternative style.

  Maggie caught sight of a crew of football players turning their heads as they walked past to stare at this beautiful stranger—who followed Maggie’s line of sight and laughed. “Men,” she said, rolling her eyes.

  Maggie laughed a little, though she was intimidated by someone who could look so good this early in the morning. “I mean, you just… you’re so pretty.”

  “I prefer to think of myself as handsome,” said the mysterious girl.

  “Handsome?”

  It was too early for this.

  “You getting breakfast? Come with me,” said the girl.

  “Okay,” Maggie said automatically, though she had no idea what she was getting herself into.

  They swiped their cards and entered the dining hall, which was peaceful and quiet. But Maggie spotted a clock and realized it wasn’t as early as she’d thought. In fact, it was exactly the time when Ana and Drew would be here. How was she going to explain herself?

  She liked Ana and Drew a lot—they were her best friends at college, after all—but she didn’t want them to know about her sexcapades. She didn’t know if they’d be judgy, but even if they weren’t, it was something she wanted to keep to herself.

  She didn’t see them, though, so she followed the mystery girl to the line, where they both took trays and started picking out food.

  “So, um, what’s your name?” asked Maggie. “Mine’s Margaret, but most people call me Maggie
.”

  “Good name,” said the girl. “Mine’s Reagan.”

  “That’s a neat name too,” said Maggie. “It’s kinda gender neutral.”

  “That’s why I picked it,” said the girl cryptically.

  Maggie had no idea what Reagan was about, but the more she said, the more fascinated Maggie became.

  “So, I take it you were on your way back from a crazy night?” she asked.

  “Yeah…” admitted Maggie. “I don’t know why I keep sleeping around when it’s obviously unsatisfying.”

  “You’re trying to fix something in yourself,” said Reagan, “but that’s not the way to do it.”

  “I know.”

  Maggie had no idea why she was telling a stranger all this, but it felt good to finally tell someone. Maybe she ought to see a therapist after all, just for that.

  “Well, you probably know everything I could tell you. Hey, those people are waving in our direction.”

  Maggie turned to see Ana and Drew waving her over.

  “Those are my friends, Ana and Drew,” she said. “We can sit with them. Don’t, um, tell them what I was up to.”

  “Why would I do that?”

  “I don’t know,” said Maggie, feeling a wash of shame come over her again. “Just don’t.”

  Reagan shrugged. “Okay.”

  They walked over to where Ana and Drew were sitting and placed their trays on the table. With her hangover, Maggie was looking forward to digging in to her omelet and generous helping of bacon.

  “Hey, guys, this is Reagan. I met her outside the cafeteria.”

  “Nice to meet you, Reagan,” said Ana, friendly as ever.

  “Same to you,” said Reagan, though she looked a little uncomfortable. Maggie could see a frown developing on her face, though she didn’t think it appropriate to pry at that moment.

  Maggie couldn’t help but be fascinated by people who promised to have depth. Reagan obviously had a lot going on inside.

  “So, what did you guys do last night?” Maggie asked.

  “Just stayed in with Logan,” said Ana. “We got high and watched Disney movies.”

  “Pretty much the same here,” said Drew. “My suitemates and I ended up watching almost half of the last season of Voyager.”

  Maggie laughed. “That’s not bad.”

  “What did you do?” asked Drew.

  “Um… I went to a party with my roommate,” said Maggie. “The usual.”

  “Word,” said Ana. “I’m looking forward to our get together tonight, though. It’s fun to like, actually socialize.”

  “Definitely,” agreed Maggie. “Hey, Reagan, you want to come?”

  “Sure,” said Reagan, though she drew the word out with uncertainty. “There’s been um, some turbulence in my friend group recently.”

  “Really? Friend drama? That sucks,” said Ana.

  “Yeah. I’m done with them. I need new friends,” said Reagan.

  “Well, we’re always open to new friends,” said Ana. “So please, come join us. The party starts at nine in Morris 126, though you can come earlier if you want because we’ll probably be hanging out and pregaming. Or getting high in the woods behind the dorm.”

  “That sounds nice.” Reagan smiled politely. Maggie could tell she was distinctly on edge, though. She must have been burned really badly by whatever happened with her old friends.

  Maggie was determined to make her feel welcomed.

  “We’ll be glad to have you,” she said.

  The conversation turned to other mundane topics after that—Reagan explained how she was majoring in environmental science and business, which impressed all of them, and told them about how she was involved with the DIY scene in town. They were all enamored with her and her warm demeanor, and Maggie was pleased to have found someone who could show them other scenes around campus.

  All in all, her bad mood from earlier had dissipated. She had a lot to be thankful for—good friends, a vibrant social life, and classes that she actually liked. She was happy, mostly. If only she could find someone like Jena again, though. No one could ever replace Jena, ever. Maggie would remain unmarried until the end of time if there was a chance she could be with Jena again.

  She snapped back into the conversation, realizing she probably hadn’t gotten much sleep. Everyone had mostly finished their meals, so she quickly snapped up the last of her bacon.

  “Well, I’ve got work to do,” said Ana, “so I guess I’ll see you guys later.”

  “Yeah, I’ve got a study group in the library, so I guess I’ll walk over there with you,” said Drew.

  “Where are you headed off to?” asked Reagan.

  “My dorm, Corrigan,” said Maggie.

  Reagan smiled a genuine smile. “That’s my dorm, too.”

  Maggie smiled back. “That’s awesome. Let’s head over.”

  When they exited the dining hall, Maggie saw that the campus had properly woken up. There was a queue outside the dining hall, and other students were purposefully striding down the sidewalks with enormous backpacks, off to studying or tutoring sessions. It was a typical Saturday morning. Maggie had no idea what she was going to do, now that the haze of shame had mostly worn off.

  “Do you know much about the queer scene here?” asked Maggie, hoping to test the waters. There was something about Reagan and she didn’t know what it was, exactly.

  “Oh, I wouldn’t know anything about that,” said Reagan breezily. “But there are a lot of gay people and trans people in the DIY scene, so maybe you could look there.”

  Yep, she was definitely hiding something. But if she did have something to hide, it was obviously something that Maggie couldn’t pry out of her. She’d figure it out eventually, if this friendship went anywhere.

  She reminded Maggie of Jena a little bit—someone who was, on the outside, thoughtful and friendly enough, but had a bit of an edge when you stepped too close to certain topics. Maybe that was why Maggie was drawn to her.

  Or maybe Maggie was just the kind of person who found tough nuts like Reagan and Jena particularly interesting. There was nothing quite like the feeling of developing emotional intimacy with someone who had such a tough exterior, eventually finding out all their secrets. Maggie practically lived for the feeling.

  As she walked toward the dorm with Reagan, listening to her speak about the DIY scene further, she wondered if this was going to be one of those friendships that lasted a long time. You never really knew in college.

  16

  Jena

  “Are you sure, Jacob? I don’t know, I just like it here,” said Jena, already aware she was fighting a losing battle.

  “I’m quite sure. We need you here, Jena. There’s no way we can extend your contract. And they haven’t paid for you to stay there longer, anyway, so there’s nothing we can do about it,” said Jacob.

  “That’s fine, I just thought I’d ask,” said Jena.

  “Cool. We’ll see you back in Austin at the end of January, then. Merry Christmas!” said Jacob.

  “Same to you! Bye, Jacob.”

  Jena hung up the phone and leaned back in her seat, mixed feelings floating in her head. She wanted to stay here in Philadelphia because of Maggie, obviously, so it had been worth it to ask Jacob if there was any opportunity to do so. But now she was faced with another problem—what was she going to do for Christmas?

  She had a routine at home—she just did her own quiet thing, with her own Christmas tree and Christmas dinner. She usually went to see a movie or two, as well. And that was how she liked it, not because it was what she preferred, but because it was what she was used to.

  But she wasn’t in her home anymore. The thought of spending Christmas alone in the shiny, sterile apartment was depressing. And surely Maggie and her friends would have their own families and traditions set up already. Jena didn’t want to intrude, since they’d all already been so hospitable.

  Maybe she could call her parents and fly back to see them. She had this thou
ght every year, just because she felt vaguely lonely, but she always stopped herself because she knew it wouldn’t end well.

  But inside Jena, her inner child asked, but why? Why wouldn’t it end well? What if her parents, deep down, loved her so much that they’d be delighted to see her again, to see her come home at long last?

  Maybe this was the year she should go for it. The thought was increasingly tempting.

  She picked up her cell phone and scrolled down to her mom’s number. It was still there, like a vestigial wish, even though she hadn’t called it in ages.

  It was her lunch break now, so she could make the call if she wanted.

  She clicked the button and slid down in her seat, her nerves taking over. But as the phone rang, she could feel hope rising in her. What if it did work out? What if her parents wanted to see her? What if they could accept her for who she was, now that it was the future and gay marriage was legal?

  A lot could have changed.

  “Hello? Who is this?”

  “Hey… Mom, it’s me, Jena.” Jena’s voice cracked. She wished she could have summoned more confidence.

  “Oh, Jena…” Her voice was wistful, like she hadn’t forgotten Jena.

  She hadn’t forgotten Jena.

  “How are you, Mom? How’s Dad?”

  “We’re fine,” she said. “How are you?”

  “All right. I’m completing a work assignment in Philadelphia,” Jena said. “But I’ll be back to Austin at the end of January.”

  “Is that so,” said her mom automatically. It was like they were both having a superficially cordial conversation on autopilot. Where was the vitriol she’d unleashed when Jena had come out to her?

  “So, um, you still at the ranch?” she asked.

  “We are. Still taking care of your grandfather’s property. Nothing has changed here. We go to church, we come home. We were able to retire fully a year ago, thankfully.”

  “Oh, that’s good,” said Jena. “What do you do now?”

  “I help with the church’s charity activities, mostly. Your dad just goes hunting with his buddies from work.”

  “I see,” said Jena. She couldn’t help but think about how church and hunting were totally divorced from the kind of lifestyle Maggie and her friends led.