Looking for Eagles

by Savannah Swan

  Maybe it was just the novelty of sleeping overnight with her former best friend and now girlfriend, but Maggie felt an incredible connection to Jena. She wanted to be stuck to her like glue. There was sexual chemistry, sure, and romantic chemistry, but there was also something that felt like it went deeper than that, like it was transcendent. They just belonged together.

  Maybe it was the hand of God.

  “Are there birds here?” asked Maggie.

  “Oh, yeah, plenty. I put a window feeder up outside. Look,” said Jena, waving an arm toward the window.

  Through the blinds, Maggie could see a clear plastic box suction cupped to the window, a couple of sparrows pecking at the layer of seeds inside. They were adorable.

  “I haven’t seen anything but pigeons and rats here,” said Maggie, “much less sparrows.”

  “It isn’t like my grandfather’s ranch,” said Jena, “but I’ll take what I can get. These guys don’t sing much, but their chirping is pretty cheerful, isn’t it?”

  “So you are still into birds.”

  “Of course. My grandfather was my favorite adult growing up, the only one who showed me any love. This is how I honor him.”

  They lay in silence for a few more minutes, watching the frenetic motions of the birds as they squabbled over the seeds. Pretty soon, most of the seeds were gone, with only the shells left behind.

  “I have to refill this thing at least twice a day,” said Jena. “I have to keep them coming.”

  She got out of bed and walked toward the window, opening the blinds and then the window itself and taking the feeder down. There was a bag of birdseed on the floor, and Maggie watched as Jena wiped the feeder and tossed the shells, replacing the birdseed and then putting the feeder back.

  Then she returned to bed, and Maggie pulled her close, not wanting her to leave again. The sparrows returned within a few minutes.

  “You’re going to have to refill it before we even make it to breakfast,” said Maggie.

  “That’s okay. It’s worth it,” said Jena. “I love watching them before I have to get up.”

  “But now you have me,” said Maggie, turning around and facing Jena.

  “That’s right.”

  They started kissing in a slow, leisurely fashion, like they were exploring each other again in the light of day, taking the time to absorb every detail. Maggie felt a little musty and sticky—she usually preferred showering first thing after she woke up—but her ickiness melted away when she reached down and felt Jena’s wetness.

  Jena pulled away from the kiss. “You trying to start something?”

  “Maybe,” said Maggie.

  Jena reached her own hand down and touched Maggie’s clit, and the two women frantically started stroking each other, like it was a race to find release. Last night had been a long, drawn out production, but now they had to release the tension before they could get on with their day.

  It didn’t take long for Maggie to reach her peak, especially with Jena’s expert hands fondling her. She closed her eyes and bit her lip, and Jena took that as her cue to duck under the covers and apply her mouth to Maggie’s clit.

  Maggie came explosively, panting heavily like she’d woken from a dream. She came back to herself soon, though, eager to return the favor, which she did. She licked every last drop of wetness from Jena’s entrance, enjoying the shudder her lover gave when she had her orgasm.

  “That was easy,” said Maggie, laughing as she came back up for air.

  “Tell me about it. You just turn me on so much,” said Jena. “I wouldn’t mind a quickie like this every morning.”

  “Or maybe something longer, if we have the time.”

  “I just couldn’t hold back. I needed that release,” said Jena.

  “Me too. I’m sure there’ll be opportunities for longer sessions later.”

  Jena grinned. “You ready to hit the shower? Together?”

  Maggie’s heart thrilled. She loved taking showers with her partner. It was one of her top ways of showing affection—soaping up her partner and washing her down. It felt like a very loving gesture, and it made taking a shower a whole lot more fun. It was even more fun if they got distracted, though given how hard her heart was pounding, she was good for a while.

  They got out of bed and stripped completely. Jena started the shower and Maggie stepped in after her, reaching for a bottle of soap to start lathering up her girlfriend. She rubbed her hands all over, loving that she had an excuse to do so, and Jena did the same. Some of the places she hit were ticklish, and Maggie giggled.

  “This is the best,” said Maggie. “Can we do this every day?”

  “We can do this almost every day,” said Jena. “Every day, as long as…”

  “As long as you’re here,” said Maggie.

  They kissed under the spray of hot water, which was quickly steaming up the entire bathroom. Amazingly, Maggie was getting aroused again, but she didn’t want to focus on that right now. She wanted this to be a sensual experience, where she could focus on parts of their bodies.

  Jena seemed to agree, and when they’d washed the soap off their bodies, they rinsed and cleaned every other part of themselves and stepped out. Jena looked delicious with the water dripping down her shell-colored, plump breasts. She had a smattering of freckles on her shoulders that Maggie could see clearly now. All these details endeared her to Maggie even more.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?” asked Jena.

  “Like what?”

  “Like you’re trying to memorize me.”

  “That’s exactly what I’m doing,” said Maggie. “Memorizing you.”

  Jena turned and took Maggie by the shoulders, bending down to kiss her again. When she pulled away, she took Maggie’s towel and helped dry her off, then allowing Maggie to do the same to her.

  “What should we do today?” asked Maggie.

  “I don’t know, this is your town.”

  “There’s a good park near here. It’s nice during this time of year. Sometimes there are even art fairs and stuff like that,” said Maggie.

  “Sounds perfect. Maybe we can get breakfast?”

  “Even better.”

  They dressed and got themselves ready, then left for the park Maggie had in mind. There was a deli nearby that was open early, so they got bagel sandwiches and went to sit on the benches, watching people and squirrels and birds.

  “There are more sparrows here,” said Maggie. “I guess I’d never really paid attention. That was always your influence—you were the one who got me to actually pay attention to this stuff.”

  “You’re welcome,” said Jena. “But it’s you who helped me remember that I ought to pay attention to all the stuff I used to care about.”

  “But you had the bird feeder…”

  “I bought it after I met you. Remember when we used to go looking for eagles?”

  Maggie laughed loudly. “Of course I remember. That was hilarious.”

  “We’re looking for eagles right now. But I wouldn’t count on finding them here,” said Jena, chuckling.

  They ate their bagel sandwiches in silence, finally sitting and sipping their hot coffees, which exuded steam that curled in the air like smoke from a cigarette. Maggie couldn’t help but notice that Jena hadn’t had a cigarette at all today, so far.

  That was good.

  “You know,” started Jena, “even though I still don’t believe in God, I think I’m starting to understand what you always meant by seeing God’s love in birdsong.”

  “Really?” Maggie was surprised—Jena had seemed like the ultimate skeptic.

  “Yes. I mean, if you do believe in God, and you love birds, I can see how they would seem like a gift from above. There is something of the divine in birds, whatever the divine really is,” continued Jena.

  “What is the divine, to you?” asked Maggie, intensely curious.

  “Love. That’s all it is. I see you have it in spades, and I’m lucky, now, to have you. I can feel so
mething—love, I guess—and I can see how other people would interpret it as something divine.”

  Maggie chewed on that. It made perfect sense, and was generous, coming from Jena. Back in high school, Jena had been sure that there was nothing—that love was just a series of chemical reactions meant to bring people together for procreation. Maggie had always found it depressing, so she was glad Jena’s private views were a little more hippie-ish nowadays.

  “I would agree with that,” said Maggie, “I mean, I always say that God is love, so if you feel love, then you feel what I’m feeling. We just call it different things.”

  “Exactly.”

  “But you still don’t believe in God?” asked Maggie.

  “I have a hard time believing in another, distinct entity that has a hand in my life. But I believe in love, now. After reconnecting with you, I can see it,” said Jena. “Does it matter what the distinction is?”

  “I guess not,” said Maggie. “I don’t believe that God answers tiny prayers, like getting you out of a speeding ticket or other inconsequential things like that. I believe He only answers big ones.”

  “I know,” said Jena. “That’s closer to what I’d believe, if I believed.”

  “Then maybe we’re on the same page,” said Maggie, her heart feeling light. It was amazing to her that she could find common ground on the topic of religion with someone who didn’t believe in God at all.

  “Sounds like we are.”

  “I appreciate it, Jena,” said Maggie, snuggling closer to Jena and resting her head on her girlfriend’s shoulder. “I appreciate that you can take the time to understand my point of view.”

  “I didn’t even have to try. The birds showed me the way,” said Jena.

  20

  Maggie

  SUMMER 1995

  “Hey, Maggie,” called out an unfamiliar voice. “Can we come with you?”

  Maggie turned around to see a few boys and girls and a camp counselor standing and looking at her and Jena.

  “Um…” she said, unsure of how to handle the situation. She and Jena usually went into the forest to find birds—and kiss. And she didn’t exactly want any tag-alongs.

  “It’s come to our attention that you two are great at finding birds!” said the camp counselor, a young college student who was all bubbly smiles and perkiness. “Maybe you can show the other campers how to find them, too?”

  Maggie was irritated. She didn’t want to show anyone anything. This wasn’t so much about the birds as it was about spending time with her girlfriend. And here at River Rocks Christian Camp, she was not going to be able to so much as hold her girlfriend’s hand if anyone else was around.

  But she also couldn’t say no to the counselor. It would be suspicious if they wanted to spend time alone together. The counselors had never come across as overtly homophobic, but Maggie knew very well that she and Jena had to be careful—especially considering how Jena’s parents were.

  “I guess so,” she said with great reluctance.

  “Great! Come on, guys, let’s see where they go,” said the counselor, ushering the other kids into the forest after them.

  Maggie caught up to Jena and whispered in her ear. “Let’s take them along a different path, away from the flat rocks.”

  “Got it,” said Jena. “I know where we can go.”

  Jena had done a lot of exploring of the forest during her summers at the camp, and she knew it better than anyone here. She started off on a vastly different path from the one they usually took.

  “Huh, I didn’t know you guys just took the main path,” said the counselor. “Why haven’t we seen you before?”

  Maggie shrugged. “Just missed us, I guess.”

  She and Jena led the group, up front, while the rest of the campers tromped noisily behind them. “There’s no way we’re going to be able to hear anything,” said Jena, “not with them stamping around and chattering back there. They’re going to scare all the birds.”

  Maggie turned back to the group. “You guys have to be quiet, or you’re going to scare the birds away.”

  “Okay!” said the counselor, a little too loudly. “Shhhh, everyone. We have to use our inside voices, even though we’re outdoors.”

  Maggie rolled her eyes. She hoped that being saddled with the counselor and a bunch of younger kids wasn’t going to become a common occurrence.

  Somehow they managed to be quiet, and Jena started tilting her head in that signature way she did when she was trying to listen for birds. She held up a hand and the entire group stopped.

  The counselor, thankfully, had the good sense to stay quiet and listen as well, but the other kids weren’t as aware.

  “I don’t hear anything,” said a whiny young voice.

  “Me neither. Where are the birds?” asked another.

  “You’re not going to hear anything if you don’t shut up,” hissed Maggie.

  “It’s okay, Maggie,” said the counselor. “They’re just little kids.”

  “Well, they’re not going to see any if they keep scaring all the birds away,” Maggie grumbled.

  The counselor turned back to the group. “You have to be quiet, guys. The birds get scared easily.”

  Maggie privately thought it was futile—how were they going to get a bunch of little kids to stay quiet for that long?—but soon enough, they heard the harsh call of a blue jay. Not the most interesting species that lived in these woods, but it was something to show the others, at least.

  “That’s a blue jay,” said Maggie. “You can hear it calling from over there.” She pointed.

  “I wanna see it,” said one of the kids.

  “Me too. I wanna see the blue jay,” said another, who couldn’t have been older than seven.

  Exasperated, Maggie tried to keep her cool. “The birds are hiding,” she explained. “We’re not going to be able to see them. We have to hear them.”

  “But that’s not birdwatching,” said the youngest child.

  “Well, no, but the whole point is to find birds, and we found a bird,” said Maggie.

  The counselor seemed to realize now that she should take over, so she started leading the group down the path even further, past Jena. Jena and Maggie ended up hanging back, glad the responsibility was taken off their shoulders.

  “Those little kids are so annoying,” said Maggie.

  “They’re just little,” said Jena, shrugging. “You were probably an annoying little kid, too.”

  Maggie laughed. Jena was sweet. “Yeah, probably.”

  “Do you think the counselor is cute?” asked Jena.

  A bristling feeling surged through Maggie. What was it? Jealousy? No, she wasn’t jealous that Jena found other people attractive—it was actually a relief to be able to talk about hot celebrities with another girl who liked girls. And the counselor was way too old for them. Maybe it was fear? Jena shouldn’t be talking about these things so loudly, when they could still be heard.

  “Um, kinda?” said Maggie. “We should be more careful, though.”

  “It’s fine,” said Jena. “Look at them. They don’t even need us anymore. They’re completely focused on listening for nonexistent birds.”

  Maggie laughed. The kids and the counselor were all tilting their heads like Jena had been doing, peering into the dense canopy of the forest. It would be very difficult for them to see anything, though some of the kids seemed to be pointing at something or other.

  “Well, for the record, I think she’s cute. But she’s also really annoying,” said Jena. “I wonder how that works.”

  “People can be good looking but have personalities that aren’t as good,” said Maggie.

  “You know what I found the other day?” asked Jena, segueing abruptly. “Bald eagles.”

  “What?” Maggie gasped.

  “Yeah, I saw them early in the morning, hunting over by the bend. They dive into the lake and try to catch fish. It’s pretty badass.”

  “Wow,” said Maggie. “Should we go? Wi
ll they get mad if we aren’t with them anymore?”

  “Who cares?” said Jena. “There are bald eagles out there.”

  “Okay,” said Maggie, though she was uncertain. She didn’t like breaking rules that hadn’t even been clearly defined. But the thought of seeing actual wild bald eagles was too much.

  She followed Jena through the underbrush. She didn’t like cutting a new trail, because she knew it was bad for the plants or whatever, but it would take too long to double back along the main path. And Jena knew exactly where she was going; she practically lived in this forest.

  It was a short walk back to the lake’s edge, and they came out to an open area where they could walk down to the lake’s shore, which was sandy, like a real beach.

  “This is an awesome spot,” said Maggie. “Why didn’t you take me here earlier?”

  “I just discovered it this week.”

  Maggie would have liked to come along with Jena on all of her expeditions, but she understood that her girlfriend needed her own space to explore. And if she found anything particularly interesting, like the eagles, she definitely would show it to Maggie.

  “There! They’re here right now!” Jena pointed. “See their white heads? That’s how you know. There’s nothing else that looks like that.”

  “That is too cool,” said Maggie. Even without binoculars, they were clearly able to see the large, black-brown shapes with white heads, soaring around the lake and perching in the trees to look for fish. Every so often, one of the pair would dive into the lake, though they’d failed to catch anything so far.

  “I know. I mean, it’s the national bird and everything,” said Jena. “I’m really happy I found them.”

  “We definitely can’t tell the others,” said Maggie. “I don’t even want them to know about this beach.”

  “I think they do know about this beach,” said Jena, pointing to a few crushed beer cans and cigarette butts that were scattered near a circle of logs.

  “Oh.” Maggie frowned. “I guess this is where the counselors come to party.”

  “They only come here at night,” said Jena. “During the day, they’re busy taking care of the campers. Anyway, they wouldn’t believe us if we told them.”