Sol

by Apolonia Ambrosius

  ‘Here’s a little something since it’s already too late for lunch. But if you want a warm meal tell me,’ said Sol, picking up a slice of apple to eat it slowly.

  ‘That's not little, it’s plenty,’ said the boy taking a sip of cold orange juice. ‘And don't worry, I can’t remember the last time I had something warm to eat so this is quite normal for me.’

  ‘Your mother doesn't like cooking?’

  ‘No, she just never cooks for me,’ he said plainly, while deciding which cookie to grab.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I’ll tell you some other time,’ he said, catching a glimpse of disappointment in Sol’s eyes. ‘What about you? Do you have any fun story to share?’

  Her fingers became restless, head filled with hesitation not knowing if it’s the right thing to do. However she also remembered, that right now she got nothing to lose. At least nothing that’s sealed in immediate reality.

  ‘I have. But it's a long one and its not fun.’

  ‘I’m all ears. And besides, we have time until tomorrow morning,’ he smiled, eyes lit up for the story to unravel.

  That night was indeed a long one, but nevertheless one of the most important ones to get trough. In the conversation, manly consisting of Sol’s monologues, she reflected on Haven with the best of her abilities, not trying to camouflage any detail that could possibly fade the truth out.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  ALMOST BLUE, WAITING TROUGH

  They were nine when their meeting happened. The following months passed filled with laughter, learning ways of organ, playing on the hill not far from the church – carelessly behaving like small children. Then Christianity came forward and at first, Sol couldn't understand a single word Haven preached about. Seeing how much of an impact had this new way of living on her dear friend, she strongly believed it was deceitful to forge incomprehensible knowledge as fact. The true understanding became apparent for her in a spontaneous vision she had while playing the organ.

  Haven just stepped out of the church because of her father’s call, when Sol suddenly heard a loud voice saying, ‘this is not your path and this is not the knowledge you need. The only religion you should follow is your own heart.’ At that time she was certain that the mysterious sound echoed of the walls, perhaps even reaching the outside where her friend stood. However, Haven’s reply switched their entire friendship into different mood when she said, ‘God would never said that so it’s probably all in your head. And if it’s not, then it’s certainly the devil himself.’

  From then on, the faintest line was drawn out between the two of them. The jealousy and possessiveness became more apparent while Sol still stood firmly in oblivion as to what type of a friend she actually made.

  She was as deaf and blind, as the wall behind the boy she stared at that night.

  When they were twelve years of age, it marked as the first time spending main summer break away from each other. Sol went to see her grandmother for two months period and upon returning, she noticed a clear change that took place.

  Both of the girls were slowly going on the journey to their mature versions of self, though the big difference was that Sol changed only on the outside, while Haven changed mainly on the inside. It almost seemed as if Sol became more beautiful with each passing day, and Haven became endowed with features of those who are especially cunning.

  Sol was frequently being flirted on by the boys in her class, as those that came to the church. And this little detail deeply affected Haven. There was an older boy who Haven secretly fallen in love with, and despite him not having any interest in younger girls, she hated Sol for standing next to her in such illuminating beauty. Then was the point when things dramatically flipped around.

  For the longest time, the girls would switch places in order to cut dead ends of their hair. However, when they were twelve, Haven took a bold move and cut Sol’s entire ponytail off, leaving her with misshapen bob cut. ‘I’m so sorry, I didn't mean to,’ lied Haven in the sweetest voice, but Sol never flinched as she knew the risk of accidentally cutting one’s hair shorter than agreed.

  With shrugging of her shoulders and uttering a laugh, Haven became so furious she left her alone in the room and didn't spoken to her for a whole week. Sol’s poor heart cried, as she didn't know what went wrong. And on the end it was her that practiced forgiveness, instead of the more incomprehensible friend.

  In the following year another episode happened that made Sol’s heart ache in tears, while Haven turned colder and calculative. Haven somehow managed to get to the older boy’s circle of friends trough the act of smoking a cigarette. From then on she started secretly smoking, forgetting about the Christianity, she used to be so passionate about, and about hanging out with Sol. This negligence leaped Sol into a short period of depression, which she thankfully hidden well enough so nobody bothered her with a helping hand.

  One day Haven and her new friends took a foolish move of smoking behind a church. To them it was the closest thing to a thrill a thirteen years old teen could experience. Sol accidentally stumbled across them, and before she knew it she was pushed a cigarette Haven smoked into her hand just as Haven’s strict father approached them. She sacrificed herself in order to preserve the fading friendship they once had. This put her parents in much distress and she felt enormous guilt topping her chest, pressing her with such intensity it was at times difficult to form a simple breath. Nevertheless, she thought it worthwhile, as long as Haven was back in her life.

  Rapidly approaching the final act that would close the youth as such for Sol – with her trembling voice – she stared at the ceiling’s indistinct outline and remembered her death.

  The final act took place within the domain of a slightly modified game they enjoyed: hide and seek. They played at the church but only when there was no perceivable presence of another human being. It was Sol’s time to hide – and from where exactly had this odd idea entered her mind, she’ll never be able to know – still she followed it accordingly.

  She took a hiding in a small room behind the side door, near the altar, where for some reason a dozen or so coffins were stored. Of course she hid exactly there, in the coffin. Lying there in the darkness that was meant for someone else to reside in, with the lid opened only an inch or two, to let the air circulate, she somehow hadn’t felt any fear, nothing. Sol lay there perfectly still for Haven to find her, but this didn't take place. It passed an hour, two hours, then five and six until she fallen asleep. Strange thing was, that all the while lying in this bizarre hiding spot, she never thought of ending the game and going out. She even never got tired or bored or simply thought of her worried parents that at that moment frantically started looking for her and interrogating Haven. Her answers were however reasonably swallowed by speechlessness and confusion.

  The next day Sol woke up in the same pose of those who cease to exist, trying to envision her dead brother being buried in a coffin exactly like this. Swallowing hard, she decided to finally get out. As she switched to lift her stiff body out of the suffocating space, she realized the lid was now closed in its entirety. A wave of panic flushed straight to the brain center, the survival mode switching on. She screamed, kicked and shook the coffin violently, but no one answered. Her breathing intensified, the tears started to veil in her widely opened eyes. She couldn't rationally comprehend the situation so she became irrational instead. Sol started to pray.

  With clenched trembling hands, she uttered words that Haven used to speak about with such flair of divinity. ‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name...‘ the air significantly became thinner and thinner, ‘and do not bring us to the time of trial, but rescue us from the evil one,’ the tears flowed down her tired cheeks, her lips formed the prayers in hope someone took pity on her, and rescue her poor soul out of this foolish misery. Sol prayed herself into her own death. Right then when the dizziness saturated her enclosed space, she thought she was meant to die the same type of death as her brother – by suffocat
ion. However, something entirely different happened.

  From this point onward speculation starts on, about what really took place and what didn't. Most certainly she was in a state of coma or literal death, but only momentarily though, as in the next ten minutes or so the lid was opened, her life resurrected from the death’s embrace. In that short span of ten minutes Sol had a metaphysical experience that forever changed her as a person. Everything she was and is, was looked upon from an entirely different lens she so vigorously held to before.

  She was not in her dense material body anymore. Right then, she was able to be present wherever she wanted to be by a simple focused intention. Before her eyes a red sphere appeared, glowing in the most illuminating color she ever saw. It was more powerful than thousand suns combined, blood red color sinking into her body, consisting solely of awareness. Her will wanted to entered this unknown sphere, as it draw her into it like a magnet would. Once inside, she sensed an overwhelming presence so forceful she barely managed to stay trough the sensation. A prolonged silence followed and alas, the wisdom had been spoken.

  ‘Everything you know is false. All the knowledge you have accumulated is wrong. From now on you are stripped off of the falsehood. You will perceive only the truth but it is your choice if you’ll bend to it or stay as you were.’

  Just by hearing these words, she felt such lightness in her soul she could never describe it with words. The eternal bliss filled with unconditional understanding, and happiness of simply being the truth, made an everlasting impression on Sol. And even if the whole world stood on the opposite end of her vision – death or dream – she would wholeheartedly believe in this experience. She was never the same and that was the fact.

  Abandoning her life focus on her parents, Haven’s unhealthy friendship, Christianity as a way to salvation, she felt liberated. Others sensed a change in her, as she visibly became distant by day. But they could only offer empathetic encouragement on the horrible event she went trough. Slowly but surely she drifted away from everyone’s lives and then flew to another distant family member, grandmother.

  ‘One day I want to start anew,’ Sol added after telling her lengthy story, tears blurring her eyes.

  ‘We all do. Especially Min, she is so fragile,’ replied the boy.

  This reaction greatly surprised Sol while trying to envision his sister as she got to know her. ‘She looks like a strong woman to me,’ she said.

  ‘But she’s not. She only pretends.’

  ‘But I also pretend. Been doing it for my whole life.’

  ‘Maybe on the surface you do, but the inner you is much stronger,’ he looked at her with such kindness it was hard to turn away, ‘I can tell.’

  ‘I am weak,’ said Sol, voice below a whisper.

  ‘You can’t be,’ he reached across the table to hold onto her scarred palm, saying, ‘you’re supposed to be like the sun and sun is never weak.’

  Heavy clouds hang low on the night sky, seemingly touching the rooftops. Sol watched the halted scene in silence from the bathroom upstairs, recalling her painful memories she so easily shared in an earlier conversation with the boy. The cross, she carried so faithfully on her back since the childhood, was slowly starting to dissolve. Someday it might become so small she could even begin carrying it in her pocket, as a souvenir of a distant past. It was difficult to comprehend how could a complete stranger extract such hidden information from her without even trying to. So all that she could do was to simply close her eyes in embarrassment, pretending to forget the whole story even escaped to the surface. However the shame once more reentered Sol’s mind, leaving only bad taste in her mouth.

  The sole light spreading into a small bathroom was a faint outlining of halo around the moon, which was just pass the full cycle. Sol sank under the warm water until all the oxygen was gone, forcing her to move to the surface again. They too, want to start anew. They too, have been hurting for a long time, she thought, afterimage of the boy and Min intervene in her mind. In her eyes they were no longer intimidating, cold or not caring. While she still didn't held enough knowledge on any of the two, she felt closer to them, perhaps because of the tiny bit of pain she grasped trough the boy’s words.

  And as much as it is hard to admit, pain really brings people together. The content of the suffering doesn’t matter as long as there was heartbreak and tears were shed. Of course it hurts, but they were hurt together and this closeness is what connects people.

  Happiness on the other hand, is a much harder task to relate to, because it is so rare. Despite society’s pressure on always striving towards good, pleasurable goals in life, anyone could on the end – if not before – come to a conclusion that this goodness and light appears invisible, unreachable, and even unreal, in contrast to darkness. Maybe, the misleading nature of our minds made the world into this superficial reality that is never present in here and now.

  Life was never about how much light one can embrace, but how much dark one can handle. Life is about finding that limit and stepping beyond – seeing that the darkness can shine much brighter than the sun. Because with pain, there comes awareness and this knowing is what makes one transform as a person, makes one grow. However, the size which one grows into is absolutely irrelevant. A grass can be much more resilient than the tree. All that it matters is to bend and not break.

  Sol got up, wrapped in a linen bathrobe, towel dried her hair and cleaned the bath tube. Her eyes would occasionally follow into the dark outside, which reminded her to become more fluid, like the water is.

  As she got back to the first floor, she found the boy soundly sleeping on the couch, television imagery dancing over his face. Grabbing the remote control, she pressed off and sent the boy to the dream world.

  Sol quickly glancing over the room to locate the folded quilted blanket almost in complete blindness, and gently covered him with it. The fabric felt soft to the touch and she remembered that this was the throw blanket she brought from her own room, the first time she came to this uninviting house.

  The clouds were still blurring the night sky, making her eyes squint in the dark trying to adjust to the unrecognizable room. After a few minutes Sol was able to see faintest of silhouettes and because of the glass door by the couch, she saw the boy’s motionless body resting. Strangely enough she couldn't look away, and as if being hypnotized she carefully sat on the wooden floor, a mere feet away from him, to quietly observe his shadowed features.

  His slightly longer hair fallen over his ears and eyebrows, casted a sharp shadow over his rather adult looking nose. Long eyelashes decorated his large brown eyes, much lighter in color than Min’s. Sol recalled that while they were talking in the outside, his iris appeared almost golden in tint. His skin was not fair, not in any way connected to his sisters, however it made him that more special. Both of them were different, yet the same, and Sol could only imagine into what shape will his future self grow into.

  The boy might’ve not been the most beautiful child on this planet, but he certainly carried something of great value inside. To Sol, it felt as if he already knew too much, too much of truth drawn out of hell. His words were carrying weight of trust and sincerity.

  He said I’m stronger than Min, but I know that’s a lie. He also said I’m supposed to be like the sun. But the truth is, I can’t even be the moon.

  There was a rhythmic beat played inside of his being, which was surely to be turned into a masterpiece given some time. Just like his sister, he was one of a kind. One who shows the way while others quietly follow behind, trusting his decision without an ounce of doubt. He was one who is devoid of underlying intentions and in whom fearlessness rested – much stronger than the one Sol felt while facing Min.

  Truthfully, she wanted to yell out the frustration and sadness that accumulated inside of her since the birth, however, all she could do was to curl in a ball, becoming as small as possible. Sol knew she could never truly understand them even if they disclosed all of their secrets, like she did ear
lier. She knew, no one could really understand another in the deepest sense, so the depth at which this boy could possibly understand her was also questionable. But the reason on why she also felt so intensely attracted to this strange boy and his sister was left unanswered, as she drifted into sleep, forehead pressing onto the quilted blanket.

  ***

  The cold breeze was felt on Sol’s cheeks, which as a return woke her up. She twisted on the uncomfortable floor, pulling the rest of the blanket up to her throat, freezing. After a moment, she realized the boy was not on the couch beside her. Hoping on her feet, she went to all the rooms on the ground level; bathroom, grandmother’s room, laundry room, to come to a conclusion he was nowhere near her sight. Hurriedly, she checked all the rooms on the upper floor to see he was absent there as well.

  Out of the window, right by piano, she saw that first snow of the year was falling. Maybe he’s outside, he must be, she thought, running in her knee length bathrobe towards the backyard. The glass door by the couch had been left open, only a few inches, but more than enough to start worrying. Bare feet touching the thin layer of snow made her move a tad faster than usual. As she arrived at the oak tree, the boy’s absence confirmed once more.

  ‘Hey! Where are you?’ she yelled, snow catching on top of her head and shoulders.

  ‘Hey kid! It’s not funny!’ she walked around the house, hoping to pull a prank on her, ‘kid!’

  ‘Hell,’ said Sol, being barely audible, as his name made her extremely uncomfortable to say out loud.

  ‘Hell! Don't do this to me,’ she shivered, feet turning red, ‘please.’