Sol

by Apolonia Ambrosius

  Without much choice left, Sol went inside to make a plan. Under the warm blanket, she thought of calling Min but couldn't shake the undertone of treat, when the girl explicitly said to not blow this up. She however, was doing just that. It was a simple task and she couldn't deliver the proper result. And as much as she thought of herself as someone trust worthy she turned out to be the exact opposite.

  Maybe he is in the neighborhood or in front of the store.

  Breakfast, washing her face or teeth, brushing her hair or dressing properly, was of no importance to her. Sol quickly proceeded to dress into something that caught her eye, because in reality clothes should always be functional.

  The fashion our modern world created was out of tune with practicality and purpose. As long as it looks good, people would say. But to Sol, it needed to be warm and fast to put on.

  In no time was she in front of the flower shop, eyes on the watch to spot the unexpected appearance of the currently missing boy. However, all she could see was a lovely sight of snow covered bronze statue, smiling at his gerbera, which made her even more depressed and anxious.

  ‘I should really call Min now,’ she muttered, ‘I have no other choice.’

  With trembling hands, and even more trembling heart, Sol searched trough menu to swipe for a call. The beeping sound seemed to never end, so she ended the call instead. By the time she was back in the warmth of her empty house, a couple of hours passed and with that a dozen missed calls on Min’s phone. Maybe she’ll respond if I write to her.

  ‘Hi, it’s Sol. Something happened, so can you please reach me as soon as you see this message.’

  To some it may seem as a vague description of emergency, but Sol sensed Min was quick on figuring out a reason that lead to a reaction. This time however, was different. No call came in nor did any text message. Sol was filled up to her last brain cells in worry as the night begun to appear on the horizon. Snow tirelessly fell, eating true colors and shapes of buildings away, as it steadily increased in volume. She wished it could eat her life away as well. To be entirely covered in the unforgiving white color and start anew.

  Two cans of beer flushed into her system, one after the other, at which she seemed to calm down tremendously. If the girl didn't answer the phone and the boy didn't come back, she could physically do no more than wait patiently in the house. And patience was something she was extremely good at. The hours went by like days, but she nevertheless kept her perseverance going, recreating melodies on the piano, as closely as she could remember from her childhood.

  It was around 10PM when a presence was being felt by Sol’s right side. Abruptly cutting the tune to see the face of the missing child, however to her surprise it was Min instead. This confirmation, that the girl really carried the same key, as the one currently resting on the hallway’s wall, was still bothering her.

  ‘You didn't even noticed me,’ said Min, her voice flat. ‘I was standing here for at least five minutes.’

  ‘Why didn't you say anything?’

  ‘I wanted to observe you,’ said the girl, crossing her arms over her chest, ‘to see, if it isn’t true. But it is after all.’

  ‘What is?’

  ‘Just like I thought, people like you can’t be trusted.’

  Sol quickly stood up, the chair beneath her squeaking along the way, ‘I’m sorry. I woke up in the morning and he was already gone. I didn't know what to do.’

  ‘Of course you didn't, because you already blew it up.’

  ‘How could I know he would left like that?’

  ‘Look, you had one simple task to do and it went to shit. Imagine what would happen if I trusted you with something bigger? How would you repay me than, by dying?’

  These words hit her hard. But even more than that something else was being told between the lines, and she was fast enough to catch up on it.

  ‘What do you mean something bigger, did you find him?’ Sol asked.

  ‘Yes I did, but it’s not a pretty picture and that's why I wanted you to look over him.’

  ‘I’m really sorry,’ Sol replied, genuinely feeling the blame being justified.

  ‘Well, words don't help much, don't you think?’

  ‘Can I do something else for you?’

  ‘What, a favor? Don't make me laugh,’ said Min, showing her lop sided smile, which sent unease to Sol’s body. ‘All you can really do that would help is to disappear from my life.’

  Sol couldn't comprehend the harsh reality she was witnessing. Of course, she didn't fulfill the favor as it was asked of, but if the boy was well and genuine apologize didn't mean a thing in Min’s dictionary, what else was she even capable of doing. Would the girl really expect her to die?

  ‘I understand,’ she said in a disappointing tone.

  ‘But you don't. I must carry the favor out for your grandma’s sake. I’m not like you, I can be trusted.’

  ‘I can be trusted too! I said I was sorry!’

  ‘Well it can’t be helped. What’s done is done,’ said Min, arms unfolding to get ready to leave. ‘Also this music you keep playing, stop that. It’s good to the ears but painful to the heart.’

  ‘What would you know about the heart?’ Sol retort.

  ‘I know when it’s fake, and no amount of practice can cover it,’ the girl then pointed a finger to Sol, marking her with guilt and shame. ‘It’s disgusting to people like me, who can see a pretender a mile away. You need to stop looking around and start looking here,’ she added, her hand turning into fist to pound it against her chest.

  It was a devastating silence, devoid of any comments, gestures or emotions. Min left without saying goodbye and Sol stood by the piano torn apart, tossed into endless void.

  Maybe this is what it feels like to be heartbroken. And if it is, I might rather be dead.

  CHAPTER SIX

  SILVER BUTTERFLY

  Sol was awoken into a new day by bright light, almost attacking her from the window in front of her feet. However, no light was bright enough to diminish the depth of darkness she perceived only moments ago.

  For some unknown reason I stood in the middle of the deep dark, slightly shaking with fear. Waiting patiently for something else to approach me – because my strength to move forward was nowhere to be found. In silence I waited to be moved by something other than fear but nothing came towards me to change me into a different person I felt I was. This state was probably only a few minutes, perhaps even seconds in length, but it felt like time never existed. Like it was a place before time was even conceived as a mere idea.

  In this deep darkness, I waited for my feelings to transform into something more calming, and while standing in this emptiness before time existed with fearful heart, I suddenly heard a sound. It was a steady beating of what I thought to be some sort of an instrument. This beat was beginning to pull a thread of desire within me, to see the master behind it. Desire to see the source.

  While I started to walk towards the beat, the beat moved closer to where I was. Once I could almost feel the sound in front of my mouth, I realize it was a beating of a heart. Then an urge imbued me to grab my chest and feel my own heart beat. It was the same. Both sounds were in tune. In this new bewildering state all fear my body stored before was washed away, no drop remained. Then I knew something other than a sound was trying to reach me.

  Out of this pitch-black space, a silhouette resembling a person was forming. It slowly begun to shape into an animal I’ve never saw before, then into a woman, whose face I can’t recall – but nevertheless gave me an impression she was somewhat wicked in personality – and at last a firm young man appeared before me. There was no ground in this place, but if I was standing on something he was definitely floating just an inch or two above. Mesmerized by his appearance, I got a feeling he would steal my essence if I keep staring at him with such intensity. So I closed my eyes, my right hand still staying on my beating heart. With a gentle grab of my left hand he pressed it on his chest. The beating from before was his
, and I became aware that our hearts were perfectly synchronized.

  A new feeling I never knew before overflown me. Being drawn to his energy and repulsed by it at the same time. Like a magnet with two dominant sides, I couldn't help but yearn more of this newly found emotion.

  It took her a few more minutes to leave the dizzy spell lingering from a strange dream, to come to an understanding that she woke up on the floor, exactly there where she found her grandmother leave this world. And as a matter of fact, she was even in the same pose as her. Maybe the beer did something to me, she thought.

  This beer drinking habit, she unintentionally picked up from Min, left her always somehow weird the next morning. It was not a hangover, as she only ever consumed one beer, at most two, and above all it was only a couple of times per week. The weirdness she felt was closest to losing something, a piece of herself perhaps. And perhaps she even did die five nights ago, when Min left her so carelessly.

  Everyday before going to school and upon returning, she entered the flower shop and apologized to Min. The girl undeniably stayed faithful to her promise of keeping the will until the end, however she would also nevertheless full on ignore Sol as soon as she stepped inside. This unusual habit in development ended on the 24th – a day before her birthday, when the snow heavily fell and when she promised her high school friends a long awaited night out.

  It was the end of the week, costumers bursting with bouquet requests. The unexpected situation was hard to manage by only one person, so Sol jumped right in to help – by now her movements dramatically improved. Ladies of different age groups exited the store in high spirits, one by one, as the working hours came to an end. Min proceeded to switch the outside sign to a close one, and begin with cleaning. Two girls worked effectively, while talking exclusively about the next task that needs to be done, in order to finish the day, and go home quickly.

  Sol had just started to wipe the outside windows with rubber squeegee, to prevent any unwanted frost from happening, when on the inner side Min leaned in, pressing a black paper on the glass. Dumbfounded by a sudden action, Sol first followed to see the girl’s eyes gesturing with her towards the paper. Tracing over written contents, she quickly grasped it was a type of a flyer one gets when attending a free concert. The date was tonight at 11PM, in a place she never heard before, and at the very top of the flyer the engraved bold golden letters read: CAGED MINDS.

  ‘Thank you, but I wont be going to this event,’ said Sol as soon as she walked into the store again.

  ‘I think you need to see this,’ said Min for the first time in less than a week. Her voice strangely sounded comforting, almost as if she was saying welcome back.

  For a split second Sol was glad, even happy, to be spoken to, however the reality hit her as she remembered Min’s words stinging like she was allergic to them. And nevertheless her head was once more filled with simultaneous resentment and attraction for the girl.

  ‘You don't know what I need,’ she said, lowering the cleaning equipment on the floor.

  The girl giggled showing her distinct smile, ‘Oh, but I do.’

  ‘And what is that?’ Asked Sol while faking her extreme blank expression.

  ‘You need to hear what real music sounds like. The one coming from the soul and not practice,’ said Min, while beginning to pick up a small box of wrapping paper and other decorations needed for flower arrangement. ‘And also someone wants to see you.’

  The girl’s words spilled out as if she owned her very soul. A pause of silence passed between them when she uttered a loud laugh despite not diminishing the uncomfortable feeling that circled inside of Sol.

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Hell,’ said Min, busily taping the box.

  ‘Is your brother going to be there?’

  ‘He keeps asking me about you, so you should at least come for him. After everything,’ Min looked up, their eyes locking, making Sol feel like she was exposed for committing a murder.

  With minimal further discussion they agreed on meeting half an hour earlier, in front of the convenience store where Min used to work, and where Sol first exhibited her tendencies of supposedly repressed stalking.

  At 7PM, Sol met with her friends for a night out in a local theater. It was their final meeting before they officially parted for winter vacation, spending them all until the last minute to create another same looking set of cherished memories with their family members.

  The peculiar group of three classmates, that stuck to Sol for a few years now, always insisted on her birthday celebration – something modest yet of enough positive remembrance to repeat it the next year as well. This however, never happened. Sol didn't want to explain her true thoughts on this matter, clearly stating on their first year of friendship she doesn't want to celebrate earlier as a sign of superstition, even though she didn't believe in such things. This year was no different. No presents, no indication of an unusually happy day, except for a humble visit in a small local theater.

  Watching two movies in a row, Sol’s head seemed to shift into iron, as it kept falling down time and again. Both of the movies were of horror genre yet none of them abled to scare her even for a split second. In her eyes, both were equally endowed – lacking in creativity, imagination or basic knowledge on what makes people tremble in fear. Other three heads seemed to be filled with terror and for a few times, when glances or discrete comments passed between the girls, she blended in the role of being moderately disturbed by the presented imagery, repulsively laughable in reality.

  Once their movies finished, one of the girls proposed a cheap hot cocoa from a vending machine near by that according to her was the best she ever had. Obediently following footprints of the prettiest girl, ten minutes later they at last arrived at the place. To everyone’s astonishment Sol paused in the sidewalk for a couple of seconds before being dragged along with them. This stupid cocoa was located right in front of the infamous convenience store where Min used to work, and where they’ll met not long from now.

  The girls chatted about vacation, commented about the movies, and enthusiastically waited for the machine to spill the praised cocoa out. On the other hand, Sol kept her profile low – standing farthest away from the store’s entrance. The last thing she wanted was to introduce Min to these three oblivious girls. They may hold a variety of knowledge unheard of to Sol, but she knew all to well how this could go down hill. Her classmates would heavily judge both of them because that is what Min unintentionally drawn out of people. Sol wasn't afraid of judgments, and even if they would laugh at her – though bullying aspect wasn't in them – what she really wanted to avoid at all cost was confronting them about meeting this different girl. There were only a few months of school left and she was tired of it all, especially of excessive explanations.

  ‘That ginger bread would go so well with this,’ muttered the kindest of them all. There wasn't any obvious response, when she suddenly turned around, asking, ‘Hey Sol, would you go get me one, please?’ Her eyes filled with pity, unable to shake them away from Sol’s mind.

  She saw all three of them had their hot drink in their hands, and in normal circumstance she would gladly go in and grab her the desired snack, but this wasn't a normal situation. Sol was more than positive if the girl happened to be in store they would exit together, with her hand swung across her shoulder. That was just the type of a girl Min was after all.

  ‘Do you really need them, now?’ Sol asked in the friendliest tone she was capable of producing, refusing to move an inch.

  ‘She’s right. It’s already too late to be eating that much,’ the bookworm confirmed with additional nodding. ‘Besides, the holidays have started and you’ll eat plenty of those later.’

  An awkward silence passed between them, almost hearing each snowflake hit the patch of asphalt they stood on.

  ‘You know what, she can have this bread. That would be the closest thing to celebrating one of our birthday’s, right?’ said the prettiest girl, with a smile helplessly t
rying to cover the bittersweet feeling she want it for her to feel. And she succeeded in getting the message across.

  Sol quietly walked into the store, grabbed the sweet bread and was in seconds in front of the counter, money on display. Never once she gazed up to see the face of the clerk or any potential costumer, even though it was almost a closing time, so the possibility of another person coming in was close to zero. The clerk remained silent and she could only observe the swift hand movements, until the bill was presented and she could go out again.

  ‘Here you go,’ said Sol to the Saint, her hand showing the ginger bread. The girl thanked her genuinely, but then something else caught her attention.

  Her other two friends were fixated on a person across the street, who was well hidden under the shadow from the building behind and nighttime taking place. They were conversing in an irritating way, that kind Sol never heard from them before.

  ‘I always wonder what these types of people do with their lives in ten, fifteen years,’ said the pretty girl, bumping her elbow to the bookworm girl.

  ‘Probably they end up killing someone,’ said A.I., without any shame or guilt over her cold accusation of complete stranger, ‘or get killed.’

  ‘And she looks so young, she could even be the same age as us,’ said Lovely, shrugging her shoulders, turning around to their previously created standing circle.

  ‘I feel sorry for her parents,’ added Saint, while starting to unwrap her long awaited snack.

  Sol followed their thread of odd conversation across the street to detect a decent feature of this unfortunate stranger. After stepping out on the open a hand waved at her. She squinted her eyes to behold a quickly moving sight coming towards her. And of course it was no other than Min herself.

  Perhaps it was because of the cold night or simply because of the charms the new girl executed upon her arrival, the three friends never objected in a beautifully wrapped lie of Sol and Min being distant cousins. They were standing as if hypnotized, forgetting every judgment they threw in the open only moments ago.