Fallen

by Quiana

  “Ma she’s not getting an abortion. We talked about this for the past two months she doesn’t want to have one.”

  “Two months? She’s two months! Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

  “Because you were too busy trying to make your own babies! Dad knows, everybody knows…he was just waiting for me to tell you myself.”

  I dismissed his disrespect because that wasn’t the issue or the problem at the moment but I surely put it to the side to be acknowledged later. Such an array of emotions stirred my body as tears of frustration found its way out of my eyes. But that soft side vanished quickly as it turned into anger and my motherly attack instincts kicked into play. Without thinking, I flew down the steps and bust through the front door smacking Kahliyah’s phone out of her hand.

  “What the fuck do you mean you’re not getting an abortion?”

  Shocked and silent Kahliyah failed to look at anything but the clouds. I grabbed her by the arm tightly to let her know this was not a game for me.

  “I will be making your appointment and you will be going.”

  “I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do! We made this baby so we’re going to take care of it. I told him he could still go to college I wouldn’t stop him from doing that Ms. Ramae!”

  Her wet face from flowing eyes didn’t change my stance. I knew she saw a future and I knew why she wanted to have his baby. She wouldn’t have much else going for herself in the future and I could tell that by her mother how her family operates. Had Ja been the kind of guy that came from a broken home and no education headed his way she wouldn’t even had considered having a baby by him. But being that he had it all and she couldn’t even get through high school he was her ticket to a better life. I knew the game and seen it too many times. I had girlfriends in high school who joked about landing the guys that played sports or that got good grades as their ticket out. Hell if I knew Jay was going to be opening a shop 3 years earlier that would still be running today, he would’ve been my ticket too. That’s just how women are trained to think so I couldn’t blame her, just not on my watch. I could hear the screen door swing open with full force but I paid it little mind. Jalal came to the door begging me to let go of her arm but I wouldn’t let up.

  “Jalal get in my car…Kahliyah get away from my house.” My son knew this was not the time to play adult and did what I said as his girlfriend tried to plea her case.

  “I’m not going anywhere! Ja what are you doing?”

  Jalal didn’t even look back. Part of me felt bad for the girl. I knew she didn’t make the baby 100% by herself, but she wasn’t about to have this baby. Hysterical cries screamed from her mouth as we walked past her down the pathway. Ja paused for a second as if he had second thoughts, but I nudged him and told him to get his ass in the car. He may have been grown when I wasn’t around but this was not one of those times. We pulled off from the house leaving her sitting on the steps in tears. I was being cold hearted, a bitch, whatever name you choose, and I probably was making a mark on that girl’s heart that wouldn’t heal for years but everyone had to go through it. I never liked that girl so I would be damned if she was going to be a part of my family.

  After a long day of drama and shopping I couldn’t wait to get home to my man and a pill. Porscha still wasn’t talking to me so the E was the only friend I had. I popped one in before going inside relieved to be home. How quickly that relief ended when I walked through the door to see a bunch of twenty year old men in the living room playing video games with the sound turned way up. No one stopped to address me it was almost as if I didn’t exist. Disgusted, I stomped up the steps and slammed the bedroom door. Kai never bothered to see what was wrong or why I didn’t bother to come back downstairs. It was almost as if I was invisible to him and I didn’t just mean today.

  Whenever his friends came around it was like I was…well it was almost like I was his mother. You know how young guys ignore their mom until she turns off the TV and stands in front of it waiting for him to take out the trash, yea that’s how I felt when his friends came around. I’ve tried watching television shows with them a few times but it just didn’t feel right. I always felt like a complete outsider. And God forbid one of them had a girl with them, I would catch her giving awkward stares my way the whole night.

  I dosed off with my clothes on zoned out after a self-session as usual. After a disastrous day I shouldn’t have had to be alone. How can someone be so close yet so far away? And I wasn’t referring to Kai I meant Jay. I wanted to pick up the phone and call my husband to confide in him but I knew that wasn’t an option. We should have been going through this together but I was alone right now. We both were. Still, I wanted to talk to Jay one on one to get his insight on Jalal and Kahliyah, to get his insight on everything. As I dosed off I made it a mission to stop by the shop to talk to Jay. He couldn’t run and wouldn’t make a scene in there, it was my only option I needed his words and comfort.

  I woke up with my phone going off startling me out of my sleep like a buzzing alarm clock. It was Tiffany telling me she was on her way to do my hair. I was happy to get that call because I was feeling lonely and needed someone to vent too. On most occasions I would be the one to reach out to her but I assumed she wanted to get high. I asked her to pick up a bottle of vodka on her way over which she had no problem stating that she wanted parts of it because her night was empty.

  Tiffany being Tiffany, arrived at my house in a pair of tight yellow sweat booty shorts and a pink tank top that showed off the crease of her round cheeks. I didn’t want her standing over top of me in that outfit and I didn’t want her around Kai in it either. But I relaxed and regarded her age as the reason for how careless she was being without even noticing. She was my comfort that night as I poured out my heart to her. With a mature ear she listened and gave her opinion on the pregnancy. She knew I was upset and suggested that I let Ja make his own decisions because he would have to live with his own mistakes, and that sometimes pushing someone in a direction will only lead to the opposite anyway. I respected her words and tried to move past the subject as we took on shots of vodka. I wanted to get her opinion on Kai, but he was upstairs watching TV so I didn’t want him tuning in.

  We drank and drank until everything appeared funny and all my problems seemed a mile away. She teased me for missing out on so much in my youth as she introduced me to schemes and things that I never knew about. It felt good to have a female to talk to. She even had me considering getting a tattoo from the way she insisted that they spiced up the bedroom. She showed me the one right above her crease that said YES in big bold letters. I could imagine Kai’s eyes if I came home with a tattoo on my ass ready to attack, I took it into serious consideration.

  As we started cleaning up the kitchen from the hair and shot glasses that took over the table I could hear Kai’s thundering footsteps making their way down the stairs. He stood in the kitchen door way laughing at our slow motion progress as he smoked the blunt in his mouth.

  “Oh shit yall fucked up huh?” He laughed. I tried to see if he was watching Tiffany but his eyes remained on me.

  “Yes babe I am! You like my hair?” I blurted out barely being able to make out the words.

  I was hot and drunk and I knew I looked wasted but I still tried to remain sexy in my body language for my man. I smiled at him with flirting eyes trying to distract him from the fact that there was another woman in the room. My drunken stance was probably the least bit flattering but he still played along.

  “Yea you looking real good. I don’t think it’s going to last long though.” He walked over to me and gave me a smack on my ass signaling what I already knew was on his mind. Sloppy in my stance, I wrapped my arms around my boo’s neck giving him a kiss on the lips.

  “You gonna like her even more once she gets that tattoo on her ass!” I could feel Tiffany’s hand palm my ass as I hugged Kai squeezing it in a suggestive mode. Not sure if she was just playing or not I ignored it.

  “Oh y
all down here having that kind of fun huh Ramae? I didn’t get the memo but can I see it again?”

  “Stop Kai”

  He was making me feel a bit uncomfortable but I should’ve been talking to Tiffany. She squeezed my ass again at his request this time pushing up on it as she did so. I tried to turn around but Kai was holding my body close to his to keep me from moving while tiff kissed my shoulder. A part of me wanted to embrace it but I couldn’t that easily. Having a female touch and kiss by body was something new to me that I never thought I would experience.

  “Ramae your body is soft just like I knew it would be.”

  Her sensual voice whispered in my ear as she dangled her fingers around my panty line and found her way inside. I shivered as the tingles went through my body and the liquor directed me to relax, but I couldn’t. I wondered how many times she thought about seducing me to use the words like I knew it would be. I flashed back to the night at the club when she was grinding on my body. Flashes of Kai’s eyes gazing on us as we danced, was an exact influence on how he was acting now. As many times as a fantasy may have played in my head I wasn’t ready to add lesbian to my resume.

  Even more than that I wasn’t about to share some woman with Kai in a bed I would have to lay in. As Kai kissed me while she grabbed my breast I came to the reality with the situation. I was just a pawn in their game. I don’t think it was a coincidence that Kai had perfect timing on when to come downstairs. She had been texting all night and they were probably texting each other. Tiffany had never gone into details about her sex life prior to tonight and showing me her tattoo was the perfect setup to see if I would embrace her or not. They were both so focused on me and trying to get me to agree to their terms that they acted as if each other wasn’t in the room. I was their target and it was mutual, take her down then we can take each other down.

  I wiggled out of their grasp and told Tiffany it was time for her to go. She tried some more to get me to succumb to her wandering hands but I had my mind made up. Kai’s insisting to keep it going only turned me off and made it easier to reject the both of them. He didn’t feel like my man at the moment. He felt like a sex hungry stranger that I would’ve left the club with who just wanted to see two women get it in. My man wouldn’t want to share me with anyone not even in his sexiest fantasy. He could’ve at least saved that for a side chick or his porn movies. He wasn’t considering future trust issues or anything but his overly excited dick.

  She finally took the hint and shamefully gathered her things and left. I could still feel her kisses on the back of my neck as I watched her leave out the front door. Kai watched her too with a look of disappointment on his face. His apologies didn’t mean much because I knew it was planned out the whole time. The joke was on him because he didn’t get what he wanted and he just knew he was the slickest brotha in the land. I was being used even more than I thought. I held no true meaning in his life other than being the woman upstairs. Too easily accessible for him not to use me how he wanted. Unlike when I was with Jay, my existence had no other purpose than a fantasy. I wasn’t making any major contributions to the relationship as far as building it. I was dependent upon him and he just knew I would pay him gratitude.

  Even though I was upset with him I gave into my aroused hormones and had sex with him that night. Only while I was having sex I thought about not only him but Tiffany. I did like her touches and kisses. I also thought about Jay and how I missed him controlling my body. The emotional aspect of our sex life was missing and would never be there after that episode with Tiffany. Kai only lusted for me. Jay and I made love and I wanted to make love to him again. When we finished I didn’t even hold Kai I held the pillow wishing it was my husband. I needed him.

  CHAPTER 8

  My increasingly bad nerves wouldn’t let me wait another day to stop by the auto shop and chat with Jay about the changes that were going on in both of our lives. I knew that I had made my bed and it was a messy one, but my concern…our concern should be Jalal and his future. Going to the shop made me anxious with butterflies in my tummy. I knew how the inside of the shop worked. From the outside it’s a bunch of greasy men focused on repairs and getting the job done. But on the inside it’s a well of gossip and man to man talks. That’s why I cringed at the thought of stepping inside. I knew that I had been called every name in the book and that Jay held no bars with telling him why we weren’t together. This wasn’t a regular job where the boss kept his life separate, they were like a family. Some of the workers had been at the shop with Jay almost as long as it had been opened.

  My sweaty palms opened the doors to the shop as I nervously approached the front desk. It still had that cold airy feel like always. Off white walls smudged with oily fingerprints and random postings of posters as a reminder of when to get work done on your car. At one time I made it my business to keep the waiting area of the shop comfortable for guest. It was the first and only room that customers would see and I wanted to make sure they remembered it. Fully stocked hot chocolate and coffee, Glade plugins and new magazines made the wait a little more comfortable. Overtime I got bored with that task and directed whatever receptionist he had hired to do the job. I was too busy with school and working on my own career.

  Ronnie, one of the repair men, starred at me like a ghost had appeared in front of him. I waited for his jaw to close to see if he was going to call Jay but it was as if the words got stuck in his throat. Before he could open his mouth I peeked my head off to the side to further listen to the conversation going on inside of Jay’s office. I could hear the voice of a woman asking him what he wanted for lunch, and he quickly replied a turkey hoagie no cheese everything extra mayo, his usual. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I felt that flushed feeling, you know the kind a woman feels when she thinks she’s caught her man cheating. When the evidence is right before your eyes and you’re going over it like it’s a movie and it’s not really going on. That feeling of I know this is not happening, that makes you lose your mind before you over react in a public scene while the butterflies swarm in your stomach to the point you can barely breathe, yea that feeling. Jealously formed a tight knot in my stomach as rage steamed inside of me, I knew I had no right to be upset but I never considered Jay being involved with a female.

  Noticing that I had caught wind to the office convo, Ronnie’s eyes darted at me letting me know that she was more than a friend. The woman sashayed passed me looking straight at the door like she didn’t see me standing in the small room. First Ronnie viewed me like a ghost now her? I had no place in this shop I was invisible here too. I quickly looked her over as any woman would. The woman was average at best, aren’t they always? About my age but no older than 40 her body wasn’t even intact. About a size 16 standing 5’9 she was a little more than thick, but I guess that’s what Jay liked. He never cared about me losing weight but at the same time he never hated it either. Her hair was in a neat short cut and her clothes looked as if she was a frequent shopper at The Loft. Nothing too jazzy or fabulous about this one! She did have a pretty face though. Still my body and style was far beyond hers so in my book she was still a downgrade.

  “Hey Mae”

  I was surprised in how friendly his tone was as he addressed me. The Jay I knew could have a mean streak but he actually seemed happy to see me. His words softened me up enough to reply back as I brushed passed Ronnie and walked into Jay’s office.

  It was refreshing to be sitting in Jay’s office, something I hadn’t done in years. I used to bring Jay his lunch, before I was wrapped up into my own job or even on my days off. I would hang around the office for hours just to make up for time lost in the home while the boys were at school. We all lived in this shop in those days. After school the boys and I would stop by so they could see their daddy in action. Jay would take the time to teach them some manly lessons then we would rush home to prepare dinner for him before he got home.

  “Mae you lost weight.”

  Now usually I would have indulged in
the compliment but I could tell he didn’t mean it in that way. His face was kind of turned up as if I looked like a disgrace in his eyes. Which I probably did considering he’d been bumpin hips with Queen Latifah. I was proud of my weight loss so I ignored him and his failed attempt to take a jab.

  “Who was that?” I snapped at him as soon as he closed the door behind me.

  “That is you getting ahead of yourself asking me questions about my personal life.” How quickly his demeanor changed once his ears heard that question.

  I decided to let the issue go because I could do my own research and I didn’t want the visit to get started on a bad foot. We sat and talked for an hour about the kids as he updated me on news they hadn’t told me. I felt completely ashamed to be out of the loop. As we talked about Jalal and Kahliyah I could sense the hurt and concern in his tone. He voiced how much he wanted Jalal to play football but at the end of the day it’s his life and he made his own bed. Weren’t we all learning how to lay in filth? Awkward moments of silence and stares got us through the long talk as we both tried our best to be civil and co-parent. This was something new for both of us, and wasn’t something I was sure I wanted to get used to.