Fallen

by Quiana

  A knock on the door let me know that it was time for us to finish talking. It was the woman returning with his lunch. I didn’t budge at first. I hoped that Jay would take his food and dismiss the woman but that didn’t happen. Leah, who I was introduced to, sat down in the chair next to me as if I was disrupting their time, still I didn’t budge.

  “Are you joining us for lunch?” she questioned with a smirk.

  I didn’t know who that bitch was trying to play but she had the wrong one. Her average ass didn’t have anything on me and I could tell by how Jay looked at me he was still in love. She obviously didn’t know her place. I had three kids by him and history, she was nothing more than a temporary replacement while we worked things out. She couldn’t seriously think that the fluke they shared could even compare. I should’ve smacked that smirk off her face but I knew better then to give people the satisfaction of even appearing to be a factor in the equation.

  “A turkey hoagie?” I replied with a chuckle. “I can cook sweetie my husband deserves a better meal then that.”

  Jay looked extremely uncomfortable. So at that point I let myself out but not without telling Jay I’d be by the house sometime next week to see the kids. I knew it wasn’t a game I should be playing but she was too bold. Driving back to the house it dawned on me that Leah was Kai’s old neighbor. She had moved from the duplex next door two months ago. Her hair was slightly longer before which is probably why I didn’t recognize her at first. I only saw her coming and going a few times out of the house but I had also seen her a few times getting her brakes done at the shop prior to our split.

  I never spoke to her upon exiting Kai’s because she looked familiar and I wasn’t sure where I knew her from. Kai and I would joke about her hearing us having sex. Snake ass hoe coming to the shop was plotting on Jay the whole time. She probably couldn’t wait to tell him about his wife. I always had to deal with females trying to take my place but I was even more upset that I practically gave her the goal shot!

  I lit and inhaled a small joint I saved from Kai. With the stress that I had been feeling the past couple of months, joints and pills helped me deal with things like a champ. Things were getting too real. Everyone in Philly always said that this was a small city but damn. How the hell did I get ratted out by some chick that goes to my husband’s shop that just so happens to be my boyfriend’s next door neighbor?

  For the next couple of days my mind struggled trying to make sense of the world around me, Leah, Kaliyah, Jalal, Tiffany, Jay it was beginning to be too many names to keep up with. I was an emotional wreck and Kai didn’t do a good job of consoling me. He had been acting funny for the last couple of days and our arguments gave him an excuse to stay away from the house. I was taking my stress out on him but that was because he didn’t offer any relief. He was supposed to be my man, yet, by being distant he made my problems appear to be a burden to him. I was a burden to him. Ever since we decided to try our best to make a cake out of an empty recipe I’ve been an obligation and not in a relationship. Yes we had good times but I knew that he let me stay with him and tried to give me some of what I needed in a man because he felt obligated as Jason’s friend.

  I had to call Porscha on this one. Even though she didn’t agree with my actions at the time, I needed my hype man. You don’t always want to hear the right thing but you always want to hear something from those who know you best. I had been neglecting our friendship out of my own guilt and it was time for me to come to terms with the bridges I was burning.

  Of course my girl was more than willing to meet with me and talk! She packed up little Jayla and we met at a park near her house while we watched the princess play. I had been neglecting my baby too so she was super excited to see me! She ran up to me and jumped right into my arms. Her smile was so big with her bright eyes popping out I had to return the expression. She loved me and that’s what I was missing in my life, that unconditional love that only an innocent child can give. Her hug felt powerful in my arms and gave me strength. Kids can do that to you. They have that strong love that no matter what you do they love you. She didn’t know about anything that was going on so in her eyes I was just Auntie Ramae. I wished my boys still had that kind of love in them. They were grown enough to make their own decisions and to decide on the truth.

  The first thing Porscha did was look me up and down and ask if I was high. I talked around the question and gave my friend a hug, told her I missed her and began talking about Leah. Of course I was high. I was always lit these days because I needed to get through all the confusion. I didn’t need to get high I just needed to get through the stress. I wouldn’t tell her that because all she would do is blame it on Kai and me being in his house. Sure I was introduced to the drugs in his home, but it was my decision to take them and still was. Most of the time, Kai didn’t even know I was taking them because he wasn’t around and I wasn’t sure if he noticed if anything was missing.

  “You know I can find out where she lives right? We can be over there in no time to get her out the picture.” She joked with me but I didn’t want any problems.

  I lied and told her that I was happy with Kai but I was upset to see Jay with someone. Yes I wanted my cake and to eat it too, who doesn’t like cake? Besides I knew that Kai and I couldn’t last forever. I stood clueless at the cross roads of the present and the future. I was trying to make the best of a bad situation, regardless no one could know the hurt that I felt inside. There was no way I ever wanted to see Jay with another woman. Porscha still pushed for Jay and I to work it out and a part of me was on her side. Leah had to go. The image of another woman in my house around my children was one that no woman should have to bare.

  The Tiffany situation was just one that I would have to deal with alone. I didn’t know how to tell my girl about my lesbian moment scared that she would judge me. Then again, who knew what skeletons she had in her own closet? Still it was something I would rather keep to myself. When we tell our friends too many bad things about our relationships we can’t be mad at them for hating who we’re with. Porscha never held her tongue about Kai and that story would only make it worse.

  CHAPTER 9

  Things have to get worse before they can get better right? Well things were about to get real bad. A rumor had been going around the office about new managers taking over but nothing had been confirmed. I assumed that the reason my bosses were so nonchalant about giving me the time off earlier in the summer was because they knew that change was about to come. Of course with the economy everyone was already on pins and needles with keeping their job, but now my security was taken also. A large white sign hung in the break room announcing in bold black letters MANDATORY EMPLOYEE DRUG TESTING. Yup it was confirmed new managers were taking over. I knew this for sure because some of the employees in the office and managers were using drugs with each other, so they wouldn’t have ever made that decision on their own. It sounds crazy but drugs affect every social class. Some of my coworkers would party like rock stars on the weekends and make it back to the office like chipper chipmunks on Monday. I used to judge but now my actions made me a strong believer of productive addicts. I don’t declare myself an addict but I get high often enough to make it a part of my routine.

  I kicked myself in the head for my crazy antics this summer. What was wrong with me? I was acting like a reckless 21 year old! I never thought about getting drug tested and now this was the scariest thought in the world. Most of all it would be embarrassing to get called into the office and fired for failing a drug test! With the weed and pills in my system, I knew there was no way that I would pass the test. But, there wasn’t a date on the poster so I could only hope I had enough time to get my urine clean.

  Trying not to look obvious and concerned, I casually made my way back to my desk as the others gossiped about the new changes that were about to come. I instantly sent numerous texts to Kai hoping that he would offer some assistance with getting my system clean. I knew that I was burden in the household and l
osing my job would only make it worst. Kai’s advice was to drink lots of water with vinegar to clean out my system. That was all he said which wasn’t very comforting. I sent a few more texts asking if he was going to be home when I got in and about how upset I was, but all he said was yes. I was hoping for a bit more to get me through the day but he ended the conversation with that. I couldn’t concentrate on my work or any task in front of me all I could think about was the drug test.

  When I got home that evening, all I wanted to eat for dinner was gallon of water mixed with apple cider vinegar. Kicking off my shoes as soon as I got through the door the house was totally silent. I took a brief moment to be upset that Kai wasn’t home for me to talk to like he said he would be, but the moment was very brief because I was focused on the water. I didn’t want to waste much time on self-pity because my mind was in action mode. To my surprise Kai was sitting at the kitchen table concocting together a formula for me to drink. A sigh of relief blessed my body to see that he was actually helping.

  “Oh thank you so much Kai!” I kissed him on the cheek but it appeared to have little effect on him.

  “Yea it’s cool because we can’t have to out of a job and a home.” His stab left me looking at him slanted but he never turned around to notice.

  Out of a job and home? What was he trying to say? I wasn’t sure if he meant my old home or this one. I didn’t want to fight, I was too exhausted to take it there with him but the woman in me had to know what he was implying. I damn sure wasn’t going to let a child disrespect me. Yes, that fast he went from being a man to a child and I damn sure knew how to put a child in a child’s place!

  “So what are you saying if I lose my job you’re going to put me out?”

  The animal in me came out quicker than I could control ready for a battle. Like a lioness I was ready to pounce on my prey. I had been through too much and let too much go for him to even try to play me over losing a job.

  “What I’m saying is drink the water Ramae.” Now I was really beginning to get upset. Not only was he disregarding my question but he still hadn’t turned around to look me in the face while talking to me.

  “No tell me what you meant by that!” I poked some more at the question. “Because after all that I risked you not gonna play me Kai!”

  “You trippin right now! All I was saying was we not gonna have you out of a job and a home. Aren’t you out of a home? You don’t pay shit around here your name’s not on anything right? Well then we can’t have you out of a job too! You not gonna be sitting around my house all day poppin pills, that’s eating in my book and I don’t let nobody eat off of me.”

  This boy was really out of his mind right now. He was talking to me as if I was some straight bum bitch living off his land. To top it all off he was talking to me as if I had a pill problem. It wasn’t a problem when he talked about how wet I got when I was high, and it wasn’t a problem when he would give me my own stash whenever I asked for it. He was the one offering me weed to smoke with him all the time, but now I was an addict in his eyes? People will switch up on you when it’s in their favor.

  “Makai who gave me those pills? Now you want to play like it was all me and I’m an addict to you now? If me being here is such a problem then I can go!”

  “Where you gonna go? And yes you do seem like an addict. Nobody gave you those pills you took one by accident and liked how it made you feel. You think I don’t notice when some are missing? I notice everything. Of course I’m gonna keep fuckin you while your high it’s better for me. Look at you, you losing weight and what not, that shit don’t look good. I liked you how you were when I met you. I liked the woman you were when you were back in your house. All you want to do now is come home pop a pill and fuck. You barely eat anymore and I know you’re concerned about gaining weight around me. You runnin around here wearing tight clothes on the weekends dressing like a 23 year old. Mae I liked you when you were a woman, now your acting like a chick my age. I could have a chick my age for all that I don’t need no 40 year old 23 year old. That shit ain’t cute, it’s embarrassing when my friends come around and you all high. You think that’s what I want representing me? I guess you’re trying to fit in but your too old for peer pressure. You need to get yourself together. Damn how you think Jason feel? I had a talk with him the other day about you and how everything went down. He said you never even call to talk to him. Don’t throw everything you know and love away because of me. ”

  Before he could finish his rant I left the room and ran upstairs to hold back my tears. The air felt tight in the house and I gasped for air as the hurt escaped from my body. After a rough day, hell a rough summer, he found a way to make it worse. He didn’t love me and he damn sure didn’t have my back. As the tears ran down my face I wiped them away to stop the salty liquid from touching my lips. His words cut straight to my heart and would not be forgiven. I looked in the mirror trying to come to terms with everything he said, I thought I looked good. Yes I had lost a lot of weight but what’s wrong with losing weight? I didn’t look like a smoker I just looked like someone who had lost a few pounds. My style of dress had changed up a bit but not to the point I was dressing inappropriately for my age. I had more sense than that! But I did experiment with new hair, makeup and some new clothes just to make him happy. I didn’t know Kai was looking for a mother figure.

  All this time I was being the person I needed or thought I needed to be to keep him interested in me. Now I was realizing l looked like nothing but a fool living a young man’s house. A man who barely spoke to me, spent time with me or even cared for me anymore. His friends looked at me like some old hag trying to fit in and even worse some pilled up old head. They probably joked about me all the time and there was no telling the reason Kai was telling them for me staying in his house.

  The loud bang of the front door slamming let me know that the house was clear and that I could comfortably walk the house. Downstairs to the kitchen I went feeling more alone then I could ever recall in my life. I started drinking the water and planning for a better day. I wanted to call Jason but a part of me was still too ashamed to mend that relationship. I couldn’t believe that Kai would go behind my back and talk to him about our relationship with Jason without talking to me about it first! I hated the fact that I didn’t have a clue what was said.

  Too much of my world had slipped through my fingers and it was time for me to close them tight, make a fist, and grab a hold of the things unfolding around me. I began planning my too do list in my head as I inhaled glasses of the bitter water into my system. The first thing on my list was to talk to Jalal about his future and the choice that he had made. The next was to call Planned Parenthood to schedule an appointment. Those were two major issues that needed to get out of the way. The next was to find a way to get in good graces with Jay. I needed a second chance more then I needed him. I needed to prove that I was grateful for everything that we had built together and that I could be the woman I once was. I would go to marriage counseling, therapy or whatever we could to help mend what we had. I just needed his open ear and heart to at least listen to what I had to say. I also made a note to talk to my oldest son. I was avoiding him due to the bad choices that I made, and I knew he would never see me in the same light. Regardless I was his mother, and I knew that in time he would heal like all things do. He may never truly forgive me but he would give me a chance.

  ********************************************************

  After talking to Jalal and Kahliyah and apologizing for my reaction to the news of the baby I found myself in the waiting room of the clinic with sweaty palms. Something about the cold immaculate space that doctor offices occupy always made me a nervous wreck. Everything about them was uncomfortable. Time seemed to take it’s time in waiting rooms moving in the slowest motion possible for man to experience. I tried reading over pamphlets and parenting magazines but inside I couldn’t shake what I was feeling inside.

  Finally the nurse signaled that I could come
back and I quickly did as I was prompted. Back in the room she was all smiling faces but mine was stuck in once place. I should’ve been happy. I couldn’t gather the emotions that I wanted to feel in this typical circumstance. Hearing the words “Congratulations your six weeks pregnant”, wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear.

  I knew I was pregnant, I knew for some time. I had three boys so I knew the symptoms my body produced when I was expecting but I was in total denial. Denial is what encouraged me to keep doing drugs and drinking because I couldn’t believe that I was pregnant. I waited as long as I did to take a test just because I didn’t want to come to terms with reality.

  There was no way that I was going to have a baby by Kai. No way at all! How could I ever show my face around my family walking around with a child by my son’s ex friend? Who is only an ex friend because I slept with him and broke up my marriage. No there was no need for anyone to know about this baby, not even Kai. I shut the nurse down before she could even finish her happy parenting speech and requested information on getting an abortion. I assume that she didn’t normally get abortion request by women my age by how she appeared to be taken back a bit by my request. Either that or my forwardness about the situation was so blunt that I came off cold towards my unborn child.

  Regardless she gave me the information and I went to the front desk to schedule my appointment. There was no shame in my game. I made the appointment for the information session on abortions and tried to schedule my actual abortion but they told me I had to wait until after the first one. I could’ve went straight to the abortion appointment because there was no changing my mind. If they would’ve told me that I could’ve walked straight to the back and got it over with I would’ve done my Mummer’s strut all the way down to the operation room. I was always a pro-life person until the life was growing inside of me. Now I was on the other side of the picket fence with no remorse at all. It looked like Kahliyah and I would be going through this together.