Fallen

by Quiana

  Well I wouldn’t let pride get in the way, I told myself over and over again. I wanted the respect of my boys and the love of my husband. I didn’t care how hard I had to work at it I needed them way more than they could ever need me. Their lives made up my life and without them in it I was lost. I tried to create my own and only created chaos. Most of all, I owed Jason a huge apology. I owed Jason the world. I had been avoiding him because I truly did not know how to approach him. No way would be the right way but I had to do it.

  I went to sleep my first night at Porscha’s peacefully. Of course I had a lot on my mind, but I was at peace. I knew it was just a matter of time before I got my life back. I didn’t mean my old life because that life wasn’t making me happy. It would mean parts of my old life with a new beginning, and I was looking forward to what God would present me with, good or bad. But I knew that there would be some good to come, because before you see the rainbow there’s always the sun. And I could feel the sun shining on me I just had to learn to play in it a little longer and a little harder to get my rainbow.

  By the end of the week I was starting to feel lonely. So after work I decided to make a surprise visit past the house. I wasn’t sure if anyone would be there but I was hoping that everyone would be home. To my surprise I got exactly what I wished for. Everyone was home but Jay and that was good enough. Jamir opened the door for me and I hugged him extra tight and I didn’t want to let go. I kissed my handsome son five times before he pushed me off him with his childish smile.

  “Hey Ma!” Jalal shouted from inside the kitchen as he dropped whatever he was working on to walk into the living room.

  He greeted me with a hug also and a kiss on the cheek. I swear I could feel butterflies in my stomach. Kahliyah followed behind him standing off to the side but smiled and waved at me from a distance. I refrained from my first reaction to seeing the bump poking out of her T-shirt, which was to go into a rage over her not getting the abortion, but that wouldn’t have done much at all. I walked over and gave her a hug also, rubbed her belly and said hi to my grandchild. I would be a 40 year old grandmother. I made sure to poke fun at them and told them I’m not doing any babysitting because heels aren’t made for stroller pushing. They thought I was joking.

  I knew Jason was home because his car was out front which means he was probably in the basement. Talk about a walk of shame. My walk down the basement steps made me feel like I was heading to the electric chair. Fortunately Jason was sleep so I wasn’t confronted instantly with eyes burning into my forehead when we encountered each other. I eased onto the bed lying next to my son cuddling up close to him. It had been so long since I had laid next to him.

  When he was a little boy I would snuggle with him daily, he was my boyfriend when Jay wasn’t around. We were so affectionate with each other that I just knew it would last forever. But as Jason got older, like all boys do, he grew into his own and didn’t need me by his side. I wanted to stay in that bed forever. Jason looked over his shoulder to see who was in his bed, startled out of his sleep. When he saw it was me he relaxed and turned back over to continue resting.

  “I love you Jason and I’m so sorry if I hurt you.” Jason didn’t move or say anything. I waited for him to turn back around but he laid there for several more minutes just listening.

  “I’m not sure why I did it.” I continued, “I was being selfish and I’m sorry if I ruined our family I just hope that one day you can forgive me for the embarrassment I caused.”

  “Mom he told me he came onto you and that you weren’t trying to give him any play but he kept persisting. I knew Kai always admired older women I just never thought he would come on to my mom. I’m not sayin that you weren’t at fault, but I know that women get lonely and that if her man’s not paying her attention that the first nigga that does she will fall for. I don’t know what made him feel like he was the one that should give you that attention but he did. I’m not messing with Kai. I mean if he would do this to my mom then I know he would snake me for my girl. But he did tell me not to be mad at you because you just got caught up in his attention. And I know that you had to move in with him because dad kicked you out. Maybe you didn’t have to move in, but that was the first option and you took it. Mom I’m not a kid I know how these things go. I couldn’t believe it at the time, I still can’t, but it was nothing that I could control.”

  I was amazed at his intellect and understanding. He must’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the situation, probably as much time as I had. I was even more amazed at how Kai didn’t throw me under the bus to save himself. He took total blame for our relationship and really it was me seducing him to take an interest in me. I guess Kai knew what relationship was really worth saving, and I planned to thank him for that.

  “What I didn’t respect was that you never came to me about it.”

  Jason quickly switched from being understanding to hurt. I couldn’t speak because I knew that there was nothing I could say. He was right. I had been avoiding him instead of respecting the fact that he was an adult and I should’ve came to him like an adult and explained myself. Then again, it may have been best that I hadn’t because I would’ve told a different story from Kai and he wouldn’t have been so understanding.

  Jason went on to tell me how hurt he was that I hadn’t been speaking to him over something that I had done. Throughout the conversation I never let go of him. Words couldn’t express how much I missed him but my body language could. I took my lashing like a child and listened to every insult he threw my way. In his eyes I was being a bad mother. Not because I cheated on his father, but because he felt as though I had lived a lie his entire life.

  “You always taught me to take responsibility for my own actions and not to make others pay for my bad choices. Now you were doing the exact opposite. So I know that the lessons that you taught me growing up were just words. I can’t trust you and I can’t believe anything that you say because you will tell me what I am supposed to hear.”

  “Nobody’s perfect Jason.”

  “Your right mom nobody’s perfect. Not being perfect is what got you into the situation, not being responsible is what kept you in it.”

  Wow I was blown away. He was breaking me down and I did not see my child anymore. The funny thing is that more than anything I was proud to be his mother. I knew that I had raised a man right now even though I was sorry that it took those circumstances for me to find that out. I promised not to ever hurt him again, and that after twenty one years maybe he could let me slide for one time. We agreed to put the past behind us and to move towards the future, but he concluded I could never meet any of his friends again.

  I hung out with my boys for the rest of the night hoping that Jay would walk into the familiar family setting, but he never came home. I had even cooked for them, which they were more than happy to receive and fill up on. A spread of an oven roaster, roasted potatoes, and a homemade Caesar salad sat in our stomachs just right as we ate together as a family.

  Jamir had notified me that Jay had called and said he wouldn’t be home until late because he and Leah went out to dinner. My guess was that she couldn’t cook. However, I set a plate to the side covered in foil labeled Jay in permanent marker with hearts drawn around it. It was a bit juvenile but a sweet suggestion.

  I really didn’t want to leave that night but I didn’t want to appear to be waiting for Jay. So once 10 o’clock hit I knew my family time needed to end. Leaving my family that night was hard but I knew I would be back. I missed joking with them and watching them pick with each other more than I had realized. Jamir asked me to stay until Jay got back but I planned to catch up with him at the shop.

  When I arrived at Porcha’s house, Jayla was already sleep and Porscha was in the kitchen with a bowl of ice cream waiting for me to get home. She was ready to hear about my day with the boys and encouraged me to keep coming around. That was already in my plans. I had all intentions on being at that house everyday cooking dinner until Jay let me come
back home. I didn’t care if Leah had to eat with us, they were my family.

  As soon as I woke up the next morning and cooked breakfast, corn beef hash, cheese eggs and bacon, I flew over to the shop to deliver the food to Jay. I walked right past Ronnie not saying a word and bust into his office. Leah wasn’t there, although I was hoping she would be, but Jay was. His eyes widened as the aroma of the platter entered the office. I couldn’t hold back my smile from seeing his reaction to the plate. I handed him the plate and locked the door behind me.

  “I don’t think I ever told you how sorry I am”

  “You tried.”

  “I can show you” I teased making him laugh and loosen up.

  “Is that for me?”

  I delightfully handed him the breakfast plate which he gladly accepted. Without hesitation he pulled out a fork from his desk and began chowing down on the food. I had to laugh at how fast he was attacking the food as if he hadn’t had a good meal in months. You would’ve thought he was fresh out of prison the way he was licking his fingers and smacking with every bite.

  “Mae that food from yesterday was really good, thanks. I haven’t had corn beef hash in so long girl I missed your cooking!”

  Those words ranged bells throughout my body. If I had to cook for him every day three times a day I would just to keep him near.

  “I left him Jay, I want you back and I’m not giving up on us. So you can tell Leah that some problems are about to come y’all way.”

  He looked up at me with one eyebrow raised as if my words were coming from left field. I hoped he didn’t think I was making him this food just because I liked cooking! He swallowed his food and took a few more bites before expressing his thoughts.

  “Mae this food is great but we’re not getting back together.”

  I wanted to smack the fork from out of his hands for the insult. I didn’t care about what he was saying because I had no intentions on not being with him. I ignored his words as if they were written in clear ink.

  “Jay sometimes you talk crazy on an empty stomach keep eating your food.”

  “Ain’t nothing crazy about me! I know what I want and what I don’t want. And I don’t want a woman that would give up a lifetime of love for a moment of happiness.”

  His words didn’t phase me because I knew that this wouldn’t be an easy fight. What person wouldn’t put up a fight with someone who cheated on them?

  “Jay I love you…can you honestly say you don’t love me?” He looked at me and shook his head no, but we both knew that was a lie.

  “Yea I love you Mae. I’m not in love with you anymore though. I want to love you and I want our family back, but it could never be the same. I can’t erase your relationship or mine and Leah’s. We could never have the relationship that we had, so it’s best to move on. I don’t know why you left Kai and I don’t care why. What I do know is that you don’t deserve a chance to have your family back. I deserve another chance at love not you. If you have to walk the rest of your life alone it’s because you decided that that was what you wanted. I’m sorry but it will never happen.”

  “But you do still love me?”

  “Mae are you choosing to hear what you want too? Yes I do still love you but I am not in love with you. I’m in love with Leah.”

  “You don’t love her.”

  “I do Mae I love that woman. She was there for me when you decided I wasn’t good enough. She doesn’t deserve to have her heart broken because you want to be my wife again.”

  “So what…you care about her more than me?”

  “No that’s not what I’m saying Mae you know I couldn’t care for any woman more than I could care for you. Leah caught me when I fell and you were the one who dropped me. Why do you deserve to be happy and her sad?”

  I didn’t have a good answer for that. I didn’t care about her feelings, it wasn’t my place too. I cared about Jay. I knew she didn’t have what it took to make him happy. For her it was just a matter of being on the right side of the court when it was time to catch the rebound.

  “Jay, you don’t love her just because she loves you. She plotted on you and wanted you while you were with me. Yes I was cheating but she broke up our home. She was there to catch you because she pushed you to the edge not me. I’m not blaming her for what I did, but who’s to say things would have played out the way they did if she didn’t try to break us up?”

  “Ramae…are you that crazy that you have twisted your cheating around to blame her?”

  “I’m just saying that you don’t love her you just love that she has been there to comfort you. Well I’m back and you still love me, that was all I needed to hear.”

  I stood up and pushed my chair in with nothing more to say. Jay and I could have this conversation every day I didn’t care because I knew I would crack his shell. I was a little heartbroken but I was determined to win.

  CHAPTER 12

  Thanksgiving was approaching and I was eager to eat! Although Jay and I weren’t together, I was happy to be spending the holiday with my family. Leah wasn’t completely out of the picture but she was no longer a valuable part. Jay had told her shortly after our talk that he rushed into their relationship and that they needed to slow down some. Well in my mind that was a break up and the end of their relationship so I couldn’t be any happier.

  Even though I was beginning to get my family back, things weren’t going as smoothly as I hoped. Jay was taking his time with letting me back in the picture. Yes Leah was out, but I still was not in. However he would let me come over to the house as often as I pleased, I just couldn’t stay the night. I tried not to let it bother me. I continued to cook and clean and settled for our movie nights together and tried not to pick or nag at him for the little things that he did that would bother me.

  The funny thing was that we still hadn’t had sex. Now I didn’t know if he was still sleeping with Leah but he damn sure wasn’t having sex with me. He told me that he didn’t trust me, and that if he had sex with me after another man had me it would never be the same. I think that that was harder to accept then him not wanting to be with me. Sex is like the golden ticket to forgiveness! If I couldn’t have sex with him then I could never get him to fully forgive me. He knew that keeping that out of our relationship would allow him to have power and control over me, and himself.

  Thanksgiving night was a beautiful night of food, family, and those lovely holiday smells. Cinnamon fragrance, which I always sprayed around the house during the holiday season, filled the air and made the house truly feel like a home. We decided to keep it simple this year and told most of our relatives to eat elsewhere. We didn’t need everyone in our business trying to figure out the situation between Jay and I. We hadn’t figured out what was going on between us so the last thing we needed was for our families snooping around demanding answers. This year it would be just us, the kids and Porscha celebrating and giving thanks. Oh and my brand new grandchild courteous of Kahliyah! Jayla would be with Ty so we wouldn’t get to enjoy her entertainment this year which made me a little sad.

  After stuffing ourselves with my fried turkey, mac n cheese, yams, greens, and all the other trimmings we were all ready to pass out! Porscha and Jay took over the kitchen as Jason and Jamir disappeared into their rooms for a nap. Kahliyah and Jalal left a little early to spend some time with her family, which I knew wouldn’t last long because Jalal hated their ghetto asses! But now he had a family on the way and he had to do what he had to do to make both of them happy. Well I was happy to know that after they talked, the coach made accommodations to let Ja use his scholarship after the baby was born for the following September, as long as he worked out with the local college and was in good condition to play! He was taking courses at the community college so that he wouldn’t be a year behind and had all intentions to go away to school the following year. Kahliyah didn’t want him to leave her alone with the baby but she didn’t want to struggle for the rest of her life either. She was working on her GED and I praye
d that she wouldn’t end up on the pole! I still didn’t like her.

  After Porscha left I stayed around a bit longer just to get my quiet time with Jay. We cuddled for a few hours watching stand up comedies, which we both loved until I was ready to dose off! Everything seemed perfect. After we watched the second movie Jay got up to turn the TV off and scooted next to me on the sofa. I waited for him to kiss me and tell me he loved me but his words never changed. Tilting his head slightly back then downward to make eye contact with me while exhaling, he stated his famous words:

  “Mae it’s time for you to go home.”

  I was living a lie. I thought that today would be different and that after all I had been doing to show him I was still here he still didn’t care. Today should’ve been a special day and the beginning to a new beginning! Instead he took advantage and ate my food, my affection and my time.