Fallen

by Quiana

  “Jay I was hoping that I could stay with you tonight. I was hoping that tonight meant something to you Jay, I’m ready to come home!” I tried not to get too loud but my emotions were getting the best of me.

  “I know Mae but-”

  “Jay I’m ready to come home please I want my family back”

  Seeing me cry wasn’t enough to make him change his mind. He told me to give it more time but I knew he was lying he just liked having me around. He had no intentions on getting back with me or letting me move in. As my cries poured out faster and louder it was becoming more apparent that things were not going to change between us. He kept his face stern and immune to my tears. He continued to assure me that things would change overtime, but in my eyes I was serving a sentence with no telling on when it was going to end.

  “Mae I love you but I’m not ready to trust you. What would you spending the night do for us but confuse things?”

  “Confuse who Jay? Confuse you? I know what I want! There’s nothing confused about me! You don’t want to allow yourself to fall back in love with me?”

  He was making me suffer and loved every minute of it. I felt embarrassed and desperate. I wanted my husband back but I didn’t want to be his doormat in order to be around his house.

  “Mae I just need more time to figure out what I want.”

  “So what you are telling me is that you still don’t know if we will get back together? You still don’t know if you want me which means all of this is a waste of my time! What am I here for?”

  Jay shot his eyes to the sky shook his head and offered no explanation. I saw something in his face that I never noticed. Jay was getting old. He wasn’t the same boy that he was when we met. His face had new lines and wrinkles caused by stress and grey strands were beginning to randomly peek out of his thick dark brown hair. He was still a handsome man, very handsome but he wasn’t a boy anymore. He was growing old and tired, and he would not be doing it with me.

  I still wasn’t going to give up on our love but I needed to take a break from fighting for it. No, it hadn’t been that long, but Jay needed to find out for himself if he wanted to be with me because he wanted to be with me and not because I knew him best. I wanted to be with my husband more than ever, but there was no guarantee that things would ever be pieced together again.

  “Mae you’re doing this for us and for your family. We love having you here and things weren’t the same without you. You started this family and you owe it to us to be here because you ruined it also. We love you, I love you, but you can’t be my wife…not yet, and I’m not sure when.”

  I really didn’t need to hear any more from him. Once again I was a child getting a whooping and having to just sit there and take it. I left with a door slam and got home to Porscha’s a fast as possible. I wouldn’t be going back over there for a couple of weeks but I still planned on calling my boys daily to make sure they were ok. Jay needed some time to decide if he missed me and I wanted to make sure he came to his decision with a clear mind.

  Jay must’ve felt bad for telling me how he felt because he called my phone the next day leaving a long apologetic voicemail. I didn’t want to hear it. It took me two weeks to finally answer his calls. When I did he yelled at me telling me he was concerned about my safety, that was why he kept calling me but I knew that was a lie. Surely he would’ve asked the boys if any of them had heard from me, and would’ve known that I was okay. I guess that the distance made him miss me because he tried to keep me on the phone as long as possible. The games we play. We love to chase what we can’t have or what no longer wants us. I still wasn’t ready to see him and I told him that he needed more time to clear his thoughts. Now he was the one angry for reaching out to me just to get a smack in the face, and so the games continued.

  Christmas would soon be approaching and regardless of Jay and I’s ability to see eye to eye on things I still planned to cook and spend Christmas with my family. I was in the holiday spirit and I wouldn’t let anything or anyone get me down.

  Porscha had a new man in her life and I didn’t mind babysitting. It kept my mind busy and off of my own family matters. Jayla and I had spent a lot of time decorating the house and creating the perfect tree and I couldn’t help but to be joyous. I even let her help me bake cookies, which was a past time that I hadn’t indulged in in years. She was a great helper and enjoyed cutting the dough into shapes and topping the shapes with sprinkles and icing. I played old Motown Christmas hits as we worked the kitchen in hopes to create memories for her that she would one day hold on to.

  My phone ranged religiously but I wasn’t in the mood to answer. I just wanted peace and my time with Jayla. Sometimes the boys would call and sometimes it would be Jay. I finally decided to check the voicemails. The first voicemail was saying that I was missed and the second telling me to come by the house to get my mail. I took a mental note on both and decided to address them the next day.

  You know how you prepare yourself for something that is about to happen as you’re getting dressed? Well I was carefully laying out my clothes and putting on my makeup this Sunday morning. I wanted to look like the fanciest thing on the road when I went to pick up my mail; I had to make a statement. My hair was pulled into a tight ponytail that allowed my pretty face to be noticed; just the right amount of makeup, natural shades, so my true beauty couldn’t be covered up or doubted. There was nothing special about my outfit, just a plain black sweater and black tights with black knee boots, simple yet sexy. I looked like cat woman in my outfit and I knew it would be a turn on. I just wanted to be a tease today, I needed that pleasure.

  “Hey Mae.”

  Kai opened the door wearing a red knit sweater and dark blue denim jeans. His hair cut and beard was perfectly trimmed and I almost melted seeing his gap tooth grin take over his face. His deep voice was so unfamiliar that he shocked me to hear it and instantly brought back bedroom memories. I hadn’t seen or spoken to Kai in months and it felt good to be face to face with him again. He had tried countless times to hear information about the baby, but of course I didn’t have anything to say so I ignored all messages and voicemails. There was so much that I wanted to say to him but there really wasn’t a need. I wasn’t angry with him anymore.

  “Makai I just wanted to get my mail.”

  I was trying to keep the conversation brief. I needed to head to the mall to do my Christmas shopping and the longer I looked at him the more curious I grew about what I had missed out on knowing since I left. I wanted to get caught up on Kai and Tiffany, and to find out if she kept the baby. I wanted to know if he thought about me or missed my meals, we had a lot of unfinished business. However, I didn’t want to open a book that was already closed.

  Makai handed me my mail as I asked. We stood for a moment in an awkward silence before he reached out to hug me and give me a kiss on the cheek. We had a crazy relationship and that was okay. It wasn’t meant to last…it was just supposed to be fun. He was letting me know that we were on a good note and it was good to know that. We didn’t have to be in love and he didn’t need to be the key to my happiness. His purpose was to fill the void that Jay wasn’t providing. A sexual void, a lustful, an exciting and temporary void that everyone needs filled from time to time. So when he let me go and informed me that he had a glass of cabernet waiting for me in the living room…I figured one glass couldn’t hurt.

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