I nodded against his hand and smiled. “You better not. You’ve seen what kind of trouble I get into when you’re not around.”
The wind was howling and woke me up just after midnight. I hadn’t been asleep for long so the interruption had me feeling wide awake. I went to the kitchen for a glass of water and found my mother sitting in the breakfast nook with a carton of ice cream and a spoon.
“Feel better?” she asked when she saw me.
“Yeah, I do.” I grinned as I got a glass from the cupboard and filled it from the tap. “What about you?” I nodded to the ice cream. “Isn’t ice cream from the carton usually reserved for tragedy?”
“Or late-night snacks when you can’t sleep.” She shrugged. “Grab a spoon.”
I glanced toward the silverware drawer and then back at my mother. Despite my hang ups about food, this was a special moment—an olive branch of sorts—and I didn’t want to pass it up. I’d never had any of those mother-daughter bonding moments I’d seen on TV, but this certainly felt like it could be one.
I grabbed a spoon and joined my mom.
“So, what’s keeping you awake?” I asked as I fished out a spoonful of chocolate ice cream.
She shook her head slowly. “Just thinking, regretting. All the things I said over the years, all the things I didn’t say. The moments I missed. The advice I should’ve given you. Maybe if I hadn’t been so caught up in my own shit, I could’ve helped you through yours. If I had been paying attention, you wouldn’t have ended up in the hospital...”
“And maybe we would’ve taken a family trip to the Himalayas where we’d get caught in a snow storm and die,” I quickly interrupted.
She blinked at me several times before chuckling a little. “You take after your dad with that, you know?” She rolled her eyes. “Sarcasm was never my strong suit.”
“I’m just saying it’s pointless to worry about things we can’t change. All we can do is learn from mistakes and move on.” I reached across the table and squeezed her free hand reassuringly. “Besides, you’re not the only one who could’ve done things differently. You were right before, what you said at the hospital. You guys aren’t psychic. I shouldn’t have expected you to just know what I needed without any input from me. It was selfish.”
“The way I said it could’ve used some work.” She sighed and took another bite. “I hope you can be patient with me, honey. I haven’t been a very good mother to date. I’m not sure I know where to start.”
For the first time in a long time, I felt a connection to my mother that was more than just resentment. “I think if we keep talking like this, everything will be just fine, Mom.”
29
Awkward didn’t even begin to describe life at home over the next few days.
My mother specifically cut back her hours at the hospital and canceled several lectures she had scheduled so she could be home more often. The first day we spent together was strangely tense. Normally, our shopping trips consisted of nothing but tight-lipped indifference, but now that we’d cleared the air, it felt like we had to fill the silence.
The only problem was that neither of us actually knew what to say to the other.
Years of resentment, neglect, things that shouldn’t have been said, things that we both wished we could take back hung between us, making it hard to just idly chitchat. I started to wonder if we really could just move on and pretend we were a normal and happy family.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Mom asked as we sat on a bench together outside the mall. A dozen different shopping bags sat on the ground by our feet as we enjoyed our fresh fruit smoothies.
I shrugged but didn’t look at her. My thoughts were a jumbled mess, and I didn’t even know where to begin with unraveling it all.
“This all just feels...” I grimaced and didn’t finish the sentence because the right words wouldn’t come to me.
“I know,” Mom said, exhaling heavily. “I know. It feels like we’re strangers, like I don’t have the right to ask you about your life, what you’re doing, what you want. I didn’t ask those questions for so long, and I convinced myself you were doing just fine without me.”
“Look, can we just agree that what happened before is in the past?” I finally looked up and met her gaze. “There’s enough blame on all sides, and if we tried to apologize for everything, it would take forever and still wouldn’t actually fix anything.”
“So then, what do you suggest?” Mom tilted her head slightly.
“Can we just...be a family?” I asked, feeling my chest tighten. “We’ve been pretending for so long I think everyone knows how it works.”
“Oh honey...” Mom put an arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. I leaned in and rested my head on her shoulder. “I want that more than anything.”
We sat there for several long moments, neither of us saying much of anything as we watched people walk by. That pressing need to fill the silence had dissipated. Our mother-daughter relationship was on the mend, finally, which made me happy.
“You should join us,” I said abruptly, sitting up and looking at my mom. “When we run the 5k. You should run it too.”
“It’s been so long since I’ve done anything like that.” She laughed and shuddered at the idea. “I don’t think I’m in that kind of shape.”
“Don’t give me that,” I teased. “You must walk like a hundred miles every night when you’re working at the hospital. Other than the wine, you don’t really have any bad habits. You could totally do it.”
My mom’s expression softened, and she reached out to brush my hair behind one ear. “I’m going to quit drinking,” she said. “I was using it as an escape, a way to skate through life, and your father and Maddie covered for me for far too long.”
I didn’t know what to say, but I could see the emotion in my mom’s eyes. She was serious.
“Maybe if I hadn’t been trying so hard to hide from the pain of losing Kiley, I wouldn’t have neglected you as much as I did.” Her eyes glistened with the threat of tears. “I’m so sorry, Kimmy.”
“Hey, hey.” I turned and hugged her. “We already agreed that the past is behind us, right? No more apologizing for things that have already happened. If you want to quit drinking, I’ll support you in any way I can. But don’t quit because you regret the past. Quit because you’re looking forward to the future.”
“I like that,” she said, drying her eyes on her sleeves. “I really like that.”
“Good.” I rose to my feet and began picking up our bags. “Now, let’s go see if we can find you some running shoes.” I looked back at her and offered her my free hand.
“Okay, fine.” She laughed and took my hand as I helped her to her feet. “But we’re going to have to get your dad to run it too. He used to go crazy for these things.”
“Really? I didn’t know that.”
“Oh yeah. He was incredibly competitive. I think he might still have a few ribbons stashed up in the attic somewhere,” she mused as we turned back toward the mall.
“A family event it’ll be.” I offered her my arm with a grin. “Shall we?”
With arms linked, Mom and I charged back into the mall in search of running shoes. Little did I know, this was the start of a whole new chapter in the lives of the Curtner family.
30
The impending race triggered more excitement in my family than I had expected. Despite her initial reluctance, Mom embraced the idea wholeheartedly. When she brought it up to Dad, he hopped on board straight away. He even went on an expedition to the attic to uncover his box of old racing memorabilia. It was mostly commemorative T-shirts and Polaroids from race days, but there were a few ribbons scattered in the mix.
Once both my parents were involved, they tried to win Maddie over. She resisted their attempts with grace but did agree to meet us at the finish line with a picnic lunch made up of all our favorites.
For the first time in a year, I found myself looking forward to a meal. Not because of the food, b
ut because of who I’d be sharing it with. I wasn’t dreading the calories I’d have to combat or worrying about what the scale would do.
It was liberating to me.
At school, things were relatively chill. Most areas of my life had gone back to normal. Even the guys were hitting on me again, though now it was from a safe distance since Austin was never far from my side. He was ever the gentleman and spent pretty much every free afternoon with me.
As race day drew near, we increased our training, but kept our goals safe and realistic. There were rest days built in between workout days, and we continued with the cross training three times a week. We were pushing for peak physical health, not just the ability to win a race.
I woke up every morning feeling more alive than I could’ve imagined. I finally felt like I understood my body in a way I hadn’t before. That alone gave me an overwhelming boost to my confidence.
When race day finally arrived, our friends lined up at the finish line with Maddie to wait for us. With shouts of encouragement, they wished us luck as we joined the other racers at the start line.
The entire race, from start to finish, was probably only an hour’s walk for the average person. But I wasn’t going to be walking.
Mom and Dad lined up nearby while Austin took his place beside me.
“See you at the finish.” He winked and leaned in to give me one last kiss.
“Not if I see you first,” I teased.
As soon as the starting bell sounded, we took off in a hoard of people. There was a bit of jostling at first, but everyone slowly began to spread out into different paces. I quickly lost sight of Austin and my parents, but I wasn’t worried. We were all heading to the same place.
As I dug down deep, I grinned and focused on all training and prep I’d done over the past few weeks. My personal best time had been twenty-three minutes from start to finish. While my competitive streak really wanted to claim first in my age group, I would’ve been content to break my personal record.
It was tempting to run at my top speed right from the get-go. Plenty of people were jogging past me and leaving me in the dust, and I didn’t like letting anyone get ahead of me. But I grit my teeth and forced myself to maintain my pace. Austin had drilled into me the importance of pacing myself. I’d cycle through different speeds, some faster, some almost walking speed, but none of them were breakneck.
I was saving that for the end.
The sun was shining and there was a gentle breeze as I wound my way through the park. Friends and families were lined along the barriers to cheer us on, and I couldn’t help but grin at their excitement. It was infectious and it multiplied with my runner’s high to create a sense of euphoria.
I was enjoying myself more than words could express. It wasn’t just the competition driving me anymore, though that was a big part of it. Now it was about the experience itself. Being out in nature, surrounded by people who were supporting me as I challenged myself felt unreal.
At that moment, something in me clicked.
If I’d continued on the path I’d been on before, I never would’ve been able to do this. I never would’ve found the joy and serenity that was coursing through me as I pushed my body. This was what I was meant to do with my life, and I never would’ve gotten here if the people who cared about me had backed off when I told them to.
Energy surge through me as I rounded the final turn. The finish line was in sight—just a few hundred more yards. I kicked harder, going as fast as I could to finish strong.
Sweat poured from my brow and down my back as my heart hammered in my chest. Exhausted lungs heaved for breath, and I could feel the burn in my calves and thighs. I might have turned up the speed a little too early, but I wasn’t going to give in. I could see my friends standing at the finish line, cheering me on. Austin was there waiting for me with a proud smile on his face. I wanted to throw myself in his arms, kiss him repeatedly, and tell him what I’d learned about myself.
The rush of blood in my ears drowned out the pounding of my feet on the pavement. I flew across the finish line and slowed down until I felt Austin’s arms close around me.
“You did it, babe.” Austin pointed to the big screen where bib numbers and times were being displayed. “You beat your PR.”
I scanned the list for my name and grinned when I saw it. “Eighteen minutes, fifty-eight seconds.” I rested my forehead on Austin’s shoulder while I caught my breath. “Couldn’t have done it without you.”
My parents crossed the finish line fifteen minutes later. While they hadn’t been particularly speedy, they still placed well in their categories. My dad, of course, rambled on about his glory days in racing and how he used to be able to cover the same distance in half the time.
“So, Kim, does this mean you’re going to try out for the cross-country team?” Liz asked me as I sat in the sun with her and Allie. The guys were helping my parents and Maddie set everything up for lunch under a big tree nearby.
“Yeah, I think so.” I threw my head back and let the sun warm my face. “I never really saw myself as a ‘sporty’ type before, but I like the new me.”
“Austin’s really been a good influence on you.” Liz laid back on the grass with her hands under her head. “I’m really glad you guys got back together.”
“You’ve both got your fairy tale princes,” Allie said with a light laugh. “Meanwhile, I’m still spending most of my time running interference for a pair of gay dudes, one of which is my brother.”
We laughed but my heart went out to her. “Come on, hon. There’s got to be someone at school you like.”
“Maybe.” Allie blushed and looked away. “But, he’s older than us, and I don’t think he’s interested in me like that.”
“A senior?” Liz asked with a sly wink. “Logan’s pretty tight with most of them. I’m sure I can get some deets if you want.”
Allie’s eyes bulged, and she shook her head emphatically. “N-no! It’s fine. You don’t have to go that far.”
I grinned, sensing some juicy secret Allie was keeping from us. “Please! Now I’ve got to know who it is.”
“Guys, please...” Allie picked at the grass, keeping her eyes down but I could see her shy grin from just thinking about him. “I can’t tell you. It’s embarrassing.”
“Think of all the secrets our group has shared—that we still share. You can trust us,” Liz coaxed. She was so much better at making people feel relaxed than I was. I had always been a little too blunt for that sort of thing.
“I don’t want my brother to know,” she said as she looked up at us.
“Cross my heart.” I drew an X over my chest without hesitation. “This is girl talk, anyway. Anything said between the three of us stays between us.”
“Fine...” Allie sighed heavily. “It’s not a senior, but it is someone older than me. Quite a bit older actually.”
“A teacher?” Liz ventured somewhat uncertainly. “I know plenty of girls crushing on their teachers. That’s not something to be embarrassed about.”
“Y-yeah well...it’s Mr. Perry.” Allie avoided looking at either of us. “He teaches A.P. History...”
“You don’t even have that class,” I protested after a moment of consideration. “Besides, isn’t he married?”
“Engaged, to the principal's daughter actually.” Allie covered her face with her hands. “But...um...there was a moment earlier this year when I was standing guard outside an empty classroom so Adam and Bryant could have some time alone. Turns out it was Mr. Perry’s classroom, and he’d forgotten some homework that needed to be graded. I kept trying to stall for time, and I think he figured out what I was doing, but he kept talking to me anyway. Then...”
Her voice trailed off and she pressed her hand to her chest just above her heart. When she looked up at us again, her face was flushed. “I kissed him! He was standing so close and was trying to reach past me for the door knob. I panicked and kissed him full on the mouth.”
“Allie!” M
y jaw dropped as my gaze darted to Liz. Her expression mirrored mine. Shock and morbid curiosity all rolled into one. “Then what happened?”
“Well, nothing at first...” Allie admitted. “We just stood there with our lips pressed together. I think he was shocked. Then he laid a hand on my shoulder and gently pushed me back a few steps. He told me he was flattered, but I was too young to be having feelings like that for someone like him. Then he left.”
“But...he didn’t say anything to anyone,” I asked, surprised this rumor circulated. “You didn’t get called into the office or anything like that?”
“No,” she shook her head. “And he hasn’t spoken to me since then either. But I can’t stop thinking about him, you guys. He’s so handsome and...and he didn’t mention his fiancé when he turned me down. Just that he thought I was too young.”
I pressed my lips together firmly. Allie was walking a dangerous line here, but I also didn’t want to completely crush her spirit. It wasn’t her fault she kept crushing on the absolutely most unavailable guys possible.
“What juicy secrets are you ladies swapping over here?” Adam asked as he, Logan, and Austin approached. “Anything scandalous?”
Allie’s eyes almost bulged out of her head and her gaze quickly swept to me. I could see the pleading in her eyes.
“Oh, we’re just exchanging war stories,” I said with a little shrug. “You know, the bloody kind.” I winked in Adam’s direction.
It took him a moment to realize what I was referring to and he shuddered in response. “TMI,” he said, holding up his hands in defeat.
“What’s up, babe?” Liz asked as she greeted Logan with a kiss.
“Lunch is ready.” Logan wrapped her up in his arms. “Though I’m ready to skip to dessert if you are.”
“Come on, guys.” Allie groaned and stood up. “Can you not, for the sake of the lone single person in the group?”
The Outside Series - Complete Trilogy: Books 1-3 Page 26