My Only

by Sophia Duane

  “But . . .” I didn’t go on because I decided no excuse would be good enough for them at this point.

  “We said twelve thirty. You brought her back at two. I asked you not to indulge her, and you bring her back in such a state that I don’t even have to wonder if you did or didn’t. Do you have any idea how sensitive her condition is to the cold? Do you—?” Mr. Cartwright interrupted his wife. “Go in and get her warmed up. Let the boy go home.” As Olivia’s grandmother backed away from the door, I swal owed hard and looked at her grandfather. Again, I said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to keep her out too late, we just—”

  He shook his head. “I don’t need to know what you were up to, son. Olivia’s got a mind of her own and when it’s set there’s no changing it, but right now it’s time for you to go home. She’l settle down,” he said, then added, “in time.” I was up until four in the morning, waiting for some sign of how Olivia was doing. Her light came on around three, and at three fifty-five, I received a text. I’m sorry. I had a good time. Gma is flipping out, but I kinda think it’s worth it.

  I had a good time, too, but I feel bad. She’s so pissed.

  She’ll get over it. Besides, she’s not so pissed that she took my phone.

  That didn’t make me feel much better. Do you think I can see you tomorrow? Are you feeling okay?

  I feel fine. We should be able to see each other tomorrow. She can’t keep me inside. I’m not a baby. Besides, we have gpa on our side.

  It was late, and I knew she needed to sleep, so I decided to worry about it in the morning. Good night, Livie. I love you.

  I love you too, Ad! The text made me beam.

  But the next day I found out that Mrs. Cartwright could keep her inside al day. Via texts, Olivia told me she fine, but her grandma was trying to prove a point.

  The point was proven again and again. By the time Monday rol ed around, I hadn’t seen her at al , except for a glimpse in the window. I headed off to North Carolina with my dad and brother, worried about whether I’d ever be al owed to see my girlfriend again.

  It wasn’t until the Saturday after my trip when I saw Olivia again. By that time, it had been a week, and I was going crazy. My phone buzzed and beeped on my nightstand. I sat up in bed and stretched. When I picked up my phone, I saw it was nearly midnight.

  I’m sneaking out to see you. Open your front door in 2 mins.

  It took a ful thirty seconds for the words to sink in, but when they did, I hopped out of bed and went to the window. The street was barely il uminated. Only the street lamp a few houses down and porch lights broke through the black of night. Olivia’s room was dark, just like the rest of her house, but movement on the porch caught my attention.

  Damn! She was already out of the house. Wasting no more time, I tore out of my room, down the stairs, and to the front door. I opened it just as her feet hit the top step to my house. Moving out, I took her by the waist and brought her to me. I shut the door when we were both safely inside.

  It was so good to see her, but it was even better to feel her. I pressed her back against the foyer wal and bent down to kiss her. The positioning was awkward because the coat hooks were right behind her. Everything kept fal ing down, but I didn’t stop kissing her.

  Final y, she placed her hands on my chest and pushed gently. Reluctantly, I stood up straight, but didn’t take my eyes off of her. She kicked off her shoes and then as she stepped away from the wal , I kissed her again. Aaron, returning to his room, a bowl of cereal in his hand, stopped in the foyer and gave us a look. I couldn’t read his expression, but it seemed like perhaps he was amused that Olivia was here so late. The air around us seemed too tense for amusement. It was the first time al three of us were together.

  “Hey, Aaron,” Olivia said, breaking the tense silence.

  “What’s up?” he said, his tone was casual, almost as if they’d never even had a relationship. Maybe it was better that way.

  “Nothing,” she said. “Except potential y getting in serious trouble for sneaking over here.” His eyes moved from her to me. The edges of his lips pul ed downward as he jutted out his bottom lip and nodded his head. What was that?

  Pride? “Nice,” he said.

  Aaron moved to the stairs and I waited until I heard his bedroom door close before saying, “That was . . . pleasant.” She shrugged. “I don’t like to hold grudges.”

  Kissing her once more, I could’ve made out with her forever downstairs in my little foyer, but again, she careful y pressed me back. I bit my bottom lip as I backed away. When I focused on her—not my want of her—I realized she was a little paler than usual. Her breathing was heavy, and as she took a step toward the stairs, her legs wobbled.

  I took her arm and we climbed the stairs slowly. Once in my room, behind a closed door, she sat down on my bed. Olivia held a hand to her chest, and tried to give me a grin.

  “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing. Just wanted to see you.” She thought she was comforting me, but she wasn’t. She was short of breath from the walk to my house.

  Perhaps making out with her in the foyer had been too much, but it seemed absurd that she’d be like this just from kissing.

  Sitting down next to her, I ran my hand through her hair and said. “Something’s wrong.”

  “No. There’s nothing wrong, I’m fine,” she said. “My grandma’s freaking out.”

  “Stil ?”

  Olivia shook her head. “Not about the dance. I fainted on Wednesday, and—”

  “Why didn’t you tel me?” I stood up quickly as my mind raced with worry.

  She encircled my wrist with both hands and pul ed me down onto the bed. Once I was sitting, she laid her hand flat on my chest and pressed until I was lying down. Olivia took the covers at the foot of the bed and drew them up over us as she lay back. Her head rested in the crook of my shoulder as her leg hitched over mine.

  “I didn’t want to worry you. You would’ve wanted to see me, and Grandma wouldn’t have let you.” She sounded like she was breathing better now.

  I hated the thought of her passing out. I hated how pale she was. I hated that even now, resting against me, she held a hand to her heart. I wondered if she was in pain. She would probably never tel me. “You have to have that surgery.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  I pushed her hair back from her face and made sure she was looking right into my eyes when I said, “I don’t care. I’m starting to see your grandma’s point about you not knowing the limitations of your body.”

  She sat up, bracing al her weight onto one arm as she looked down at me. “You two talk about me behind my back? What? Do you two get together and discuss my medical file or something?” She was struggling for breath. “Thank God Grampa is on my side!” Now she sat al the way up, swinging her feet over the side of the bed like she was preparing to leave. I gently held her by her shoulders, keeping her seated on the bed, and bringing her back against me. One of my arms slipped around her waist and the other around her upper chest. I hugged her, resting my chin on her shoulder. “I’m just worried about you,” I whispered. “This is scary.”

  “I’m fine,” she said in a breathy voice, and final y relaxed back against me.

  I laid us back down, keeping her within my arms. “You’re not, and you know it. I know you’re cool with al this, but I’m not. Neither is your grandma. And if your grandfather supports your decision to do nothing, it doesn’t mean he’s not freaked out. He probably stil wants you to choose something else.”

  She was silent for a while, then she said, “I don’t want to be cut open again, or another replacement.” Shifting, I moved onto my side, covering her cheek with my hand as I stared right into her perfect brown eyes. “Don’t you want to be with me?” She looked confused. “Of course, I do.”

  “Then have the operation. We can go to whatever school you want to. If you don’t want to go to col ege, if your grandparents want you to stay here, I’l go to Northwestern and commute.
I’l do anything you want. I’l go anywhere you want. But you have to do what’s necessary to be healthy, Liv. Please?” I was begging her.

  She nestled closer to me, burying her face in my chest and I locked my hands behind her. We said nothing, but I took the opportunity to real y enjoy the feel of her body in my arms. If she’d been feeling better, I would have kissed her again until we were both dizzy from it.

  But I didn’t. I didn’t want to take any breath away from her. As much as I would have loved to physical y show Olivia my love for her, I settled for holding her, hoping that she could feel the energy I was trying to give to her.

  It was nearly one in the morning when she said, “Fine. I’l have the surgery. But if this one doesn’t work, I’m done.” I smiled against the top of her head. “It’s going to work.”

  I fel asleep the happy.

  Morning came quick and with it, a heavy-handed knock on the door. The door opened before I could extract myself out from under Olivia. My father stood in the doorway, face unreadable as he scratched his head. “The Cartwrights are downstairs.” Oddly enough, I wasn’t panicked or worried. They’d already cut off my right to see Olivia for the past week, so there wasn’t much they could do beyond that. Besides, Olivia had agreed to get the surgery and that would make her grandma happy. Maybe that would be enough to tip the scale in my favor.

  “They’re taking Olivia home.”

  I cleared my throat as I nodded. Sliding out from under her, I stroked her face and said her name. It took some coaxing, but her eyes fluttered open. My heart swel ed as she beamed at me. “I like this,” she said in a sleep-addled voice.

  Her hair was al over the place. I tried to straighten it a little. “Your grandma’s here.” Olivia nodded. It wasn’t a shock that the Cartwrights would come for her here when they discovered her bed empty. We hadn’t done anything to be ashamed of, so I didn’t think either one of us felt badly for fal ing asleep together last night. She leaned toward me and kissed me. It was lengthy.

  I loved it, but my father coughed.

  She pul ed back and laughed. We both got out of bed. I was a bit worried that she’d be shaky on her feet. My dad went back downstairs. I took the opportunity to kiss her again. “I love you,” I whispered.

  “I love you, too.” She took my hand. “I think Grandma wil , too, once I tel her about the Ross procedure.” She was right. We got the evil eye until Olivia hugged her grandmother and said, “I’l have the surgery.” After that it was nothing but smiles until they left. While we weren’t able to be in the same room, we sat at our windows and traded texts al day.

  Monday morning, we picked up where we’d left off before the Spring Fling. We drove to school together and were inseparable for the rest of the school day. I had to work, but she’d been forced to quit her job. She wasn’t able to hang out like she’d done before. While I was al owed to see her, Olivia’s grandmother had become even stricter, so while she dropped me off, she couldn’t spend al night at the mal . She couldn’t pick me up either. Aaron had to.

  Tuesday was the same until after school. We stayed in her room al night, mainly talking while the television served as background noise.

  We spoke briefly about the surgery. It had already been scheduled for next week. She didn’t know how long she’d be out, but I promised to help her keep up with school. We didn’t talk about it. She was quick to change the conversation to happier topics like prom and graduation.

  At nine thirty, as expected, Mrs. Cartwright let me know it would be time for me to leave soon. Olivia was tired. She was yawning so much it was hard for her to carry on a conversation.

  At ten, she shook me awake gently. Her head was on my shoulder. “You should go, Ad.” I then moved to tickle her, but thought better of it. “Come on, Liv, can’t we hang out a little longer? I bet they’re already asleep down there.” She laughed. “If you want me to fal asleep on you.”

  “I’d love that actual y, thank you.” I brushed her hair back then asked, “Or are you saying I’m so boring that I’m putting you to sleep?”

  “No,” she said. “I’m saying I’m tired.”

  I sat up. “Fine,” I said in an exaggerated voice. “But I cal dibs on you taking me to school tomorrow.” Olivia laughed again. “I always take you to school!”

  “So I’l see you then?”

  “Yep,” she said as she repositioned herself. “In the morning.”

  I leaned down and gave her a peck. I almost stood up straight again, but decided I liked the feel of her lips too much. I gave her a kiss we hadn’t shared in a while. It drove me wild when she responded. Her fingers twisted in my hair. God, it was crazy to feel what I was feeling. Lust and love in equal measure.

  When I noticed her chest rising and fal ing rapidly, I pul ed away. Laughing at her little whimper-like groan, I said, “There’s time for that later. Rest now.”

  She nodded then closed her eyes. It seemed like she fel asleep, but when I reached the door, I heard, “Fun Fact: You’re awesome, Adam.” I paused. “Fun Fact: You’re amazing, Olivia.” Then added, “I love you.”

  She didn’t respond as she was truly asleep now. I headed home, excited as always to see her again in the morning.

  Sleeping like a rock as usual, I felt pretty good as I turned off my alarm. When I got downstairs, I set everything out for breakfast. School days were simple—toast, fruit, coffee, but not in that order. It only took twenty minutes to rouse Aaron today. He seemed more rested than most mornings. I almost asked, but as I left the room I saw a box of Tylenol PM on his dresser. I didn’t say anything, but I made a mental note to discuss it with him soon.

  He saw me look at the medication and could already tel what I was thinking. “I have a test today. If I don’t pass it, Mrs. Unstead won’t let me take the final.” When I got to the doorway, I turned around. Aaron explained. “I’l fail. I just wanted a good night’s sleep for once. It’s not a habit or anything.”

  I narrowed my eyes and sighed.

  “Don’t freak out. I swear, if I’m stil having issues after school lets out, I’l tel Dad.”

  “Okay,” I replied. I didn’t think he took pil s regularly, but I was concerned with how long he’d been dealing with insomnia.

  When he was finished cleaning up, we ate our breakfast together. The conversation was light—mainly about graduation and summer plans. I didn’t need him to tel me that he and his buddies had planned a cross-country road trip. It was something he’d been talking about since freshman year.

  I wanted to tel him about the surgery Olivia was going to have. I’d told him a while back that she had something wrong with her heart. It made him very uncomfortable. I thought that it was his conscience eating at him. He’d crossed a line with Olivia that he’d never crossed before. His sense of right and wrong was put to the test. Not only had he acted like a jackass to such a kind girl, he basical y never cared enough to find out her secret.

  After eating and cleaning up, I wished him luck with his test then headed out to meet Olivia. Most days she was waiting for me if it wasn’t too cold. Being so close to May, the morning air was fifty degrees with a slightly cool breeze. I took the steps up to the porch two by two then knocked on the door. Her grandparents were always prompt in answering, but I waited a ful minute, maybe two. Figuring that they must not have heard me, I knocked louder, then I rang the doorbel .

  Again, a long minute passed without anyone answering the door. I stepped over to the railing and peeked around the house to the garage. It was closed. Olivia’s car was stil next to the curb. I ran down the stairs and looked up to her window. The curtains were stil closed. She usual y opened them when she first woke up.

  I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t texted her yet this morning. Maybe the power had gone out and reset al of the clocks in their house. I thought older people natural y had an infal ible internal clock, but maybe the Cartwrights had been up late last night.

  But that couldn’t be. I’d been there until late. Olivia’s g
randparents were in bed before I left.

  I grabbed out my phone and sat down on the step, texting quickly, Hey, where are you?

  I waited and got no reply. Across the street, Aaron was trudging out to his jeep, cup of coffee held tightly in his hands. Livie, what’s up? Are you sleeping? Wake up!!

  Nothing.

  “Where is she?”

  I jumped at my twin’s voice. “I don’t know. No one’s answering.”

  Aaron let out a long breath as he tilted his head up and looked at her darkened window. “Maybe they took her to school.”

  “No, that wouldn’t happen.”

  “Maybe her car’s got something wrong with it,” he said.

  I didn’t buy it for a second. “Why didn’t she text me?”

  “I don’t know. We’re going to be late. Do you want a ride?”

  I ran through everything I knew about Olivia’s upcoming surgery but I couldn’t remember when some of her appointments were. She said there were a bunch of them before the actual operation; I just didn’t know if one was today. It had to be.

  But last night she’d confirmed that she was taking me to school.

  Maybe she had forgotten she had an appointment and hadn’t gotten a chance to text me, so I took Aaron up on his offer.

  I chewed on my bottom lip as I walked to my brother’s jeep. I hoped that I’d see her before lunch. If they had an eight o’clock appointment in Chicago, she’d be in school by lunchtime.

  But she wasn’t.

  At my request, Aaron sped home after school. His vehicle wasn’t even in park when I hopped out and raced across the street.

  Olivia’s bedroom was stil closed off. I pounded on the door. Anxiety and dread had set in. I felt panicked. Shaking and having trouble breathing, I never stopped pounding on the door.

  It wasn’t until my dad came over that I stopped. Al it took was his hand on my arm and mine fel limply to my side. I slumped, al of the energy was gone. I stil felt anxious, but it was muted. With my back to the door, I slid down until I was sitting and then rested my forehead against my knees.