Lose You Not

by Kristie Cook

  “Ignore it,” he muttered, hitting the decline button before slipping the phone into his pocket.

  Three more times in the next ten minutes made it impossible to ignore, even in vibration mode and hidden away. He finally answered with a growl as he stood and walked away to take the call. I tried to enjoy as much of my meal as I could, expecting it to be coming to a premature end.

  Before I’d had a chance to say what I needed to say.

  Xandru returned to his seat with a tight smile.

  “Do we need to go?” I asked.

  He nodded at my plate. “Finish your meal, love. This is our night.”

  But I could sense his tension and worry. Something was wrong. He tried to pretend that it wasn’t for the rest of our meal and as we finished our bottle of wine, but I knew better.

  “It’s Tase,” Xandru finally admitted. Of course it was. While he paid the check, his phone rang again. “Let me just take this, and then I’ll shut my phone completely off, okay? Then it’ll just be you and me.”

  I nodded and managed a smile, feeling guilty that my first thought was that he should have turned the phone off before he even picked me up. But considering the whole situation with Tase, I knew that could be dangerous, and I wouldn’t hold him to it when he returned.

  I leaned my elbow on the table and dropped my chin in my hand as I gazed out over the falls and the town below, going over my prepared speech in my mind.

  It had taken several weeks to come to the conclusion that I had. To figure out what I really wanted in life and to gather the courage to go after it. It had been a TV show that finally made me see the so-called light.

  Gilmore Girls had been my favorite show when I was in Atlanta. While I made fun of Sindi with her BuJos and Happy Planners, she made fun of me for my obsession with Gilmore Girls. And it was a true obsession. Utter embarrassment kept me from admitting how many times I’d binge-watched all seven seasons. We really couldn’t figure out why I liked it so much, considering I’d thought I’d come from a shitty small town and a life I’d never want to return to. Now it made sense. Something deep inside my brain must have noticed the similarities between Stars Hollow and Havenwood Falls. Something had connected it to home.

  I’d been watching it the other night while working in bed when my favorite scene of the entire show came on.

  Leaving me curled up in a snotty, blubbery mess of a ball.

  Then I tried to call Sindi in Atlanta, at about four in the morning her time. She’d been my best friend while I was gone, my savior in more ways than one. While I loved Addie as a sister, no matter how much she encouraged me to take the reins of my own life, I knew deep down that she couldn’t be entirely objective. Sindi would lay it out straight, tell me what I needed to hear. We’d barely talked since I’d left Atlanta, thanks to our crazy schedules and the crappy phone service here. By chance—or not—she picked up my call that night, and we talked for hours.

  As expected, she helped me make sense of my life, and the answers clicked into place. We made plans.

  I knew what I needed to do, what I needed to say to Xandru.

  A large warm hand landed on my shoulder when he returned from his call. “Are you ready?”

  “Um …” I motioned toward his seat. “First … can we talk? Before I lose—”

  He winced. “I’m sorry, Kales. Something’s come up that I need to take care of.”

  He held his hand out to me, and I hesitated before taking it and standing. We walked out to the truck in a thick, heavy silence.

  “Do you mind if we make a stop before we continue the night?” he asked as he helped me into the truck. Surprised, I looked up at him. He gave me a devastating grin. “Ah no, it’s not over. Our night, remember?”

  He leaned down and delivered a kiss to match that grin, leaving me breathless as he closed the door. When I realized I still had a chance to do what I needed to do tonight, butterflies began to dance in my full belly. Not the giddy ones from earlier. Anxious ones.

  He knew I wanted to talk, but every time I mentioned it, he freaked out. I’d seen it all over his face. He’d been avoiding me all week, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he still was. At least, avoiding the talking part. Because I knew that was the last thing he wanted to do.

  But I couldn’t avoid it. Not anymore.

  Even if what I had to say could possibly ruin everything.

  The stop he needed to make was at the Rocas’ family home on the opposite end of town, at the base of Mt. Sousa. When we were teens, it was nearly a second home for me. My last time inside, though, had turned it into a place of nightmares. I waited in the truck.

  “I’ll be right back,” Xandru promised, before opening his door. “Then we can do whatever you want to do.” He leaned in to give me a quick kiss. “Even if all you want to do is talk.”

  I blinked against the sting in my eyes as I watched him jog up to the large log cabin.

  Apparently, whatever was going on with Tase now was worse than Xandru had expected. After fifteen minutes, he finally texted me.

  Xan: I’m sorry. It’s going to be a while

  Me: Should I come in?

  Xan: Not a good idea

  Me: Go home?

  Several more minutes passed. Loud shouting came from inside the house, followed by a long moment of silence. Then my phone dinged.

  Xan: I hate for you to sit in the truck all night long

  I waited, but the conversation ended with that. I bit my lip, refusing to cry—or shout obscenities—before climbing out of the truck.

  “It’s about damn time,” a female voice called from the dark front porch. Alina, the older of Xandru’s two sisters, a year or two out of high school, leaned against the log post. There was just enough age difference between us that we’d never been remotely close to friends. Of course, her typical Roca attitude toward the Petrans—and the world—had a lot to do with that, too.

  “About time for what?” I asked.

  “About time you went home. My brother has more important things to worry about. You need to leave him alone. He needs to focus on what’s important, and that’s not you.”

  My jaw clenched and my hands fisted, but I forced myself to bite back several comebacks popping through my head.

  “Tell him he knows where to find me.”

  “I won’t. He doesn’t need to go looking. He needs to stay here and take care of his family, not be fucking around with the whole reason we’re in this mess.”

  Nostrils flaring, I turned my back and started down the street without another word. Starting drama with Xandru’s little sister wouldn’t help anything.

  “And you smell like shit,” Alina called from behind me. “Take a shower once in a while, pig.”

  A low growl caught in my throat. She’s still human, I had to remind myself. It’d be a crime to kill her. The Court would lock me up, and since I hadn’t officially been sworn into the Petran family seat yet, they’d likely throw away the key. Or banish me, sending me out of town, never to return this time.

  Perhaps that was what I needed.

  No. Leaving town will be my choice this time. Nobody else’s.

  As I opened the door to the cottage, my phone buzzed several times with new text messages. Xandru had apparently lost signal, because he’d sent the same text eight times.

  Xan: Please forgive me

  Chapter 6

  Xandru

  With my arms crossed and jaw muscles twitching, I glared at Tase. Dressed in jeans and a button-down, he stood at the liquor cart in front of the sliding glass doors that opened to the deck, Mt. Sousa looming in the darkness beyond. He reminded me entirely too much of our father as he poured a glass of bourbon and held it out to me. I didn’t budge.

  He held out his other hand, fingers pinching a fat blunt, its end orange and hot. The definitive odor of pot was admittedly enticing, but I still didn’t move.

  “You sure?” He downed the amber liquid, then poured another glass as he toked, holding the s
moke in when he spoke. “You look like you could use both about as much as me.”

  “It’s not a drink or a hit that I could use,” I muttered.

  Exhaling the smoke, his dark brows lifted, his forehead wrinkling in the same way our father’s used to. The same way all of ours do. It’s a Roca family trait.

  “Oh yeah?” His arms flew out to the side. “Come at me, bro. Is that what you want? A fight? Need to take out your anger?”

  Tempting. But I remained a statue. “What I need is for you to stop acting like a fucking idiot. You held a human hostage tonight, Tase. What the hell is that shit?”

  He shrugged, blowing it off like it was nothing. Thirty minutes ago, he was about to kill some guy who was probably barely old enough to drink. I’d walked in just in time. Our other siblings couldn’t control him like I could, not even Adrian, who was also turned. Hell, I struggled tonight. Addie was right—something had changed. He’d gained strength since the last time I had to take him down. His temper had grown nastier in the last few weeks, too.

  I’d been trying to watch him more closely since my conversation with Addie, but nothing specific caused the change. Just the curse itself strengthening. Or, perhaps, he’d simply given up and stopped fighting it, letting it take over. Leave it to my brother to take the easy way out, even if it would kill him.

  “He was trying to steal from me,” Tase answered. “Rocas don’t put up with that bullshit.”

  He quoted one of Dad’s favorite lines.

  “Run a con business, and you’re gonna get conned. What’d you expect?”

  “I expect some damn respect!” Another of Dad’s lines.

  “Then why don’t you try doing the right thing for once?”

  “Hey!” He gulped down another glass full of bourbon, then held his finger out from the rim, jabbing his whole hand, glass and all, at me. “I’m trying, man. I’m doing this all for us. For our family. And for that woman of yours.” He took another hit off the blunt, then burst into a coughing fit. When he spoke again, his tone dropped. “I owe her. I know that. I owe all of you. I’m trying to get everything set up right, before—”

  I wouldn’t let him finish that sentence. I refused to believe there was an after. I wasn’t ready to give up yet, even if he was.

  “If you want to do right by Michaela, then stop making me disappoint her. Do you realize you’ve fucked up every single date we’ve tried to have?”

  He smirked. “Maybe that is how I’m helping her. She deserves better than you.”

  Well, I couldn’t argue with him there. “And Addie deserves better than you.”

  “Touché. Which is why we’re not together and never will be.”

  After watching him for a moment, I crossed the living room to the bar cart, deciding I did, indeed, need that drink. “She deserves a better friend than you. She’s busting her ass trying to save you, and what do you do in return? Offer to be a fuck buddy every once in a while?”

  His smirk grew into a cocky grin. “But I’m an awesome fuck buddy. At least there’s that.”

  “You’re an asshole.”

  “Not news, brother.” He sighed. “We all know I can’t be what she wants.”

  I threw back the bourbon, the liquid burning its way down to the pit of my stomach. “And for some reason, she’s still always there for you.”

  “I know.”

  “Then keep your shit together, so when she succeeds, she doesn’t regret it. And be honest with us.” I turned toward him to look him dead in the eye. “Did you kill anyone when we were in Montrose?”

  He flinched. “What the fuck, man? No! Like I said, I’m trying.”

  I wasn’t sure if I believed him. Vampire senses made it easier to detect a lie—we could almost smell it coming off the skin, see it in the subtle changes to pupils and expressions not visible to the human eye, hear it in the liar’s fluctuating heartrate. I detected nothing now, but I had no doubt the curse’s effects were escalating.

  “Try harder.” I poured another drink. “To start with, stop with the illegal shit. You do know pot’s legal now, right? I mean, our brother owns the damn dispensary in town. Isn’t that enough? You gotta sell the hard stuff?”

  “Eh. Legal’s no fun, bro.”

  “Tase.”

  “Xandru.” He mocked, taunting me, but I refused to bite. He was pulling me in. Again. “This isn’t about drugs. Not even close. I promise you. This is a mess I’m trying to clean up. I swear.”

  “By holding a human against his will? By killing him? If the Court gets any wind of this—”

  “But they won’t, right? The only way they would is if someone here told them. I know the rest of the family wouldn’t say anything. That only leaves you.”

  “And the human?”

  “He’s compelled.”

  “And if it doesn’t stick?”

  His smirk grew, something flickering in his eyes. “Like everything else, that power is growing.”

  Awesome. He was even admitting to it. This wasn’t good. I needed to talk to Addie.

  I rubbed a hand over my face. “You’re gonna fucking kill me, bro.”

  “Nah. You have too much to live for.”

  “You could, too.”

  He shrugged. “Maybe if I cared enough. Look, I got one more job and some loose ends to tie up—”

  “Damn it. You’ve said that before.”

  “One more. I swear, just one more, and I’m out.”

  I looked up at him, studying him. He held his palms up to me.

  “One more,” he repeated. “I promise.”

  I rubbed the back of my neck, but didn’t answer. If he wanted permission, he was asking the wrong person. Of course, Atanase Roca never asked for permission for anything. He was more an ask-for-forgiveness type. I supposed we all were. Our parents had taught us well.

  When he realized I wasn’t going to respond one way or the other, he poured himself more bourbon, then dropped onto the leather sofa. “Is everything progressing at the inn?”

  I sank down on the opposite sofa. “Yeah, it’s moving along. Weston and McCabe say it should be open before the first snowfall.”

  He offered me what remained of the blunt, and this time I took it. “Have they started on the conservatory?”

  I tilted my head, wondering why he cared. “This next week, I think.”

  He nodded. “Good. Maybe I’ll give McCabe a hand, since it’s a metal framework. Is she still bitching about me paying for it all?”

  “You know …” I thought about it. “She really hasn’t lately. I guess she’s come to accept it.”

  “She doesn’t really have a choice.”

  “I don’t know why you’re wasting your time and money,” interjected a female voice. Alina leaned against the rail that set off the sunken living room, apparently sensing that the tension had eased and Tase wasn’t going to bite off anyone’s head tonight. Literally. He’d spilt bourbon all over her earlier during the scuffle, so she’d showered and changed into fresh clothes. Her wet, brown hair hung to her shoulders, dampening her shirt. “She doesn’t deserve shit.”

  “Shut up,” Tase and I both growled simultaneously.

  She snarled in response. “The bitch killed our parents! And you both think we owe her?”

  “Don’t twist the story,” I warned. “You know the truth.”

  She snorted. “Yeah, I do. Their family treated ours like shit since forever. She and the rest of them had what was coming to them. You’re the one who’s twisted the story, Xandru, acting like the Petrans are the victims in all this. You even have Tase believing it half the time. But if not for them and their stupidity, none of this would be happening in the first place. Our parents would still be alive—right when things were finally getting good around here.”

  “The only reason they were getting good is because Dad was screwing over everyone in town,” I reminded her. “Including the Petrans.”

  “Hey, I helped,” Tase jumped in, his words beginning to slur.r />
  “Bro. Not something to brag about. Between the two of you lying and cheating on every business deal you ever made, the Court was going to come around looking for your heads anyway.” I snuffed out the blunt in an ashtray on the end table and turned back to Alina. “We have a chance to make things right.”

  She rolled her eyes and turned on her heel. “Are you really going to let the Court be your alpha and bare your neck to them?” she called over her shoulder.

  I growled at the shifter insinuation. A wolf shifter, no less.

  “She has a point,” Tase slurred. “Rocas deserve some damn respect.”

  “Respect and fear aren’t the same thing,” I reminded him. “Especially in this town. Provoking fear gets you killed.”

  Tase snorted. “She’s been back for what? Four months? And you’ve already gone soft on me.”

  “Almost five.” I shrugged. “I have something to care about again. And I’m not letting you ruin it.” I leaned back in my seat. “So what the hell was that tonight?”

  Now that we’d both cooled down, maybe I could get some answers. My brother’s eyes glassed over for a moment, and I thought I’d lost him. Sometimes, liquor mollified the violent mood swings; other times, it seemed to feed them. The pot helped, but Addie’s magic was the only sure thing that worked. I wasn’t about to invite her over tonight, though, with the way Tase had been when I’d walked in.

  “I don’t know,” he finally said, his voice soft. “That kid just … he got to me, Xan. I lost it.”

  “No shit. You really were going to kill him.”

  He leaned back, his eyes drifting closed. “Not at first. Just needed to scare him. He can’t be pulling shit on me, stealing product.” His lids lifted a little. “I didn’t mean to lose my temper like I did, but I have to finish this out. I have to follow through and can’t have some little snot messing it all up.”

  “What are you into? Who are you tied up with? If it’s not that witch anymore, then who?”

  “You don’t want to know, bruh. You don’t want to know.” His eyelids drifted down again. “Hey, you wanna go to Vegas tomorrow?” he asked sleepily.