Proof of Life: A Christian Romance (BlackThorpe Security Book 4)

by Kimberly Rae Jordan

  Christmas music played in the background as Adrianne and Melanie brought the decorations out of the storage room under the staircase. Alex was trying to keep his attention on what they were doing, but his thoughts kept going to that moment when that memory had struck him out of the blue. And when he looked at Rebecca, he’d known that she was remembering too.

  It wasn't the best place to come to the realization, but Alex couldn't help but acknowledge that there was a big part of him that was still drawn to Rebecca. She was the first girl he'd ever kissed. The first and only woman he'd made love to. Now that the door had opened on those memories, it was hard for him to dismiss the attraction as easily.

  He remembered their closeness—it had been more than physical—but at their young age, the physical part had been overwhelming. All-consuming. That week they had together before he'd returned to his base, they'd spent most of their time in that motel room, leaving only to grab food to eat. With him leaving for his first tour, they had tried to cram in as much together time as they could.

  The motel room had been cold and drafty. He had tried to shove towels along the window to keep the wind from coming in, but soon they’d just decided it was best to cuddle up under the blankets on the bed. So they’d spent time just touching, holding hands, cuddling…all the things they wouldn’t be able to do when he returned to his base and left for his first tour. And it was hard to not remember that time and want that closeness again.

  Over the years, there had been plenty of women interested in him. He was a catch, apparently. A man with his own company. Wealth. Security. He had what some women wanted in a man. There had been perfectly nice women who had expressed an interest in dating. Women from his church. But he had rebuffed them all, knowing that any type of relationship was impossible while he was still legally married. But truth be told, it was just an excuse. Though he had craved the intimacy — both physical and emotional —of a relationship at times, he had smothered over that need with his work at BlackThorpe.

  Rebecca’s reappearance in his life, however, had stirred things to life within him once again. Unfortunately, it appeared that he did not have the same effect on her. And he knew that he had no business pursuing a relationship with her when he needed to be focusing on Jordan.

  “Do we even have a ladder here?” Melanie asked as she stood surveying the height of the tree which somehow seemed a whole lot taller in the house than it had when they’d looked at it on the tree lot.

  “We do have a ladder,” Alex said. “But are you sure we have enough lights and decorations for this thing? It’s not like you can only just decorate the front half of the tree since you had us put it in front of the window.”

  “We have enough decorations. Jordan and I picked some more up the last time we went to the store.”

  Alex looked around the room, spotting his mom and dad sitting on a couch watching them. Adrianne had curled up in one of the armchairs, leaving Alex to wonder if she planned to participate in the decorating. Rebecca’s absence was noticeable, at least, to him. He wanted her to have the experience of decorating this huge tree just the way he promised her all those years ago. He knew it wasn’t in their home —one they shared together — but he hoped that she would enjoy decorating this tree all the same.

  As Melanie began to unpack boxes of lights and decorations, Alex turned to Jordan. “Why don’t you go get your mom so we can get this tree decorated?”

  Jordan nodded eagerly and dashed out of the room. Alex watched him go, wondering if he’d ever been so energetic and excited over decorating a Christmas tree. It made him happy to see Jordan like this. To see his eagerness to participate in doing something with his family. It gave him hope that one day Jordan would forgive him and accept him into his life as his father.

  When Jordan returned a short time later, he had his mother in tow, and soon she was caught up in the decorating spirit and helped Melanie sort out the decorations. The men began to string the lights on the tree, checking first to make sure each strand worked.

  Once the lights — hundreds of them — were strung to Melanie’s satisfaction, Alex stepped back to allow the others to begin to hang the decorations on the tree. His mom helped, and Adrianne also got out of her chair to hang a few. Alex found the ladder and set it up so that Jordan could climb up and hang the decorations that were handed to him by his mom and aunts. Alex settled onto the couch next to his dad, feeling strangely contented. Like this was the life he and Rebecca had been meant to live.

  As he sat there watching, Alex found himself praying for a Christmas miracle. That Rebecca would let him discover who she was now. He could tell she was different from the girl he fell in love with fifteen years ago, but the woman that stood at the tree, a smile on her face as she handed decorations to Jordan, was someone who fascinated him. He wanted to learn all about her and the life she’d led over the last fifteen years that had turned her into the woman she was now.

  Would she give him that opportunity?

  As he watched his family all together for the first time, Alex found his thoughts going to Justin and Caden. Would they have Alana back in time for them to be together for Christmas? That was another Christmas miracle that Alex found himself praying for as he sat there listening to the Christmas music and the conversation of his family and friends.

  ~*~*~

  Rebecca handed ornament after ornament to Jordan, who was perched at the top of the ladder, hanging the decorations as Melanie directed him. The atmosphere in the room was so much like what she had dreamed of during those early years. The music. The tree. The lights. The decorations. Being with family.

  Except they weren’t her family. They were Jordan’s.

  She had to remember that. She had to keep that in mind so that she didn’t allow herself to get trapped in the emotions of the moment. But being surrounded with all of this made it a huge struggle.

  She and Alex would need to have a talk soon. It would be common courtesy to let him know that she planned to file for divorce. She couldn’t imagine that he’d object to that since there was no way that they had anything even close to resembling a marriage between the two of them. It was time to close the door on that part of her past and move on.

  Rebecca took a step back and crossed her arms. Why did the thought of moving on from Alex and a marriage that was basically nonexistent make her feel unsteady? Apprehensive? She supposed in some way there had been a certain amount of security in being married. She had known that she could never get involved with another man as long as she was married to Alex, which meant she hadn’t risked getting hurt again.

  “Jordan is doing a great job decorating the high part of that tree,” Alex’s mom said as she came to stand next to her. “Thank you so much for allowing us to get to know him and to spend time with him.”

  Rebecca was grateful they hadn’t been upset with her about keeping Jordan from them. She knew it was different to be introduced to a grandchild at birth than it was to be introduced to one at the age of fourteen. Thankfully, Alex’s parents had been accepting and tolerant of what had happened. Their focus, like hers and Alex’s, was on Jordan and what was best for him. She appreciated that about them.

  “He has always loved to decorate the Christmas tree,” Rebecca said, her gaze on Jordan as he reached to hang another ball on a tree branch. “Jordan has enjoyed getting to know you as well. I’m afraid he hasn’t been able to spend much time with my parents, so he’s really enjoying the time he’s able to spend with the both of you.”

  “Are your parents not living there with you in Chicago?”

  Rebecca hesitated to bring up too much about her family, but she had opened the door so she felt obliged to answer the question. “Though my parents have a home in Chicago, they spend a good chunk of their time with my younger sister and her family. I haven’t seen them since July when they left for Germany to visit her. As far as I know, their plans to return haven’t been decided on yet.”

  Alex’s mom glanced at her. “Will th
ey be home for Christmas? Because if not, we would really love for you to spend Christmas here so that we can celebrate with Jordan.”

  Rebecca stared at the tree, mulling over the request Alex’s mom had just made. She’d be lying if she said that the idea hadn’t crossed her mind. There really was no need for them to return to Chicago to celebrate Christmas there. Her folks wouldn’t be there, and she still hadn’t heard anything definite from Connor either. If he did decide he wanted to spend Christmas with them, he could come to Minneapolis as easily as Chicago.

  “I’ve been thinking about it. At this point, I’ll have to see what it is that Jordan wants to do. This is all very new to him, so I want to do what he’s most comfortable with. Right now, it does appear that he would be happy to stay here for Christmas, but we’ll need to talk about it a little bit more.”

  “Well, thank you for at least considering the option,” Alex’s mom said with a smile. “I know all of this is very confusing and new, for you as well as for us. I’d like to think that if we work together, we can figure out what’s best for Jordan.”

  Rebecca nodded. Jordan had always been the center of her world even though she tried not to spoil him, but in this situation he had become the center of it all. She was grateful that neither Alex nor his parents seemed too set on showering Jordan with gifts. It was clear that Alex could afford to do that, but for some reason, he decided not to go that route. Rebecca thought it was for the best. Otherwise it might seem as if Alex was trying to buy Jordan’s love. Of course, with Christmas coming, there would probably be no shortage of presents for Jordan under this massive tree.

  Once the tree was decorated to the satisfaction of Melanie and Jordan, attention turned to the supper that they planned to have. Rebecca and Melanie had put together a stew in a couple of crockpots earlier that day. The aroma of it drifted through the house and made Rebecca’s stomach rumble. With many people to help, it didn’t take long to get the meal on the table. The familiarity of sitting at the table with these people wasn’t something Rebecca wanted to get used to but it was hard not to. Her and Jordan’s presence at the table with this group of people seemed natural. Even normal. And the thought crossed her mind that this was how it should be.

  But the only way it could ever be that way was if things changed between her and Alex. Unfortunately, it wasn’t as simple as picking up where they left off. Too much had changed since they were first married. Alex was a stranger to her, even though she was getting to know him a little bit more just by virtue of having to spend time with him. But at the very bottom of it all was a need that could not be ignored. And that was her need to be able to trust him.

  Unfortunately, his response to the news that she was pregnant was deeply embedded in her mind. At a time when she had needed him the most, he hadn’t been there for her. He should’ve known that abortion was not an option for her, and it shouldn’t have been an option for him. The moment he had presented that to her, Rebecca had felt like she hadn’t known him at all. Though they hadn’t talked at length about having a family, it was something that they had agreed on. So his reaction to her news had taken her completely off guard.

  Hearing him explain to Jordan why he had said what he did had been an eye-opening experience. It brought clarity to her now, but Rebecca wasn’t sure that it would’ve made any difference back then. Over the years, as she’d matured, she’d come to understand that things were rarely black or white. That experiences could influence people in ways she never imagined. Back then, even if Alex had tried to explain to her his reasoning, Rebecca was sure that all she would’ve seen was that Alex was rejecting their baby.

  Unfortunately, understanding what had been in Alex’s mind back then really had no relevance now. He was a different man than he had been fifteen years ago. No doubt faced with the same scenario now, Alex’s reaction would be much different. She sensed that he had somehow developed the ability to separate his work from his personal life.

  Thinking of his personal life, Rebecca wondered if he’d had any relationships over the years. Obviously, he couldn’t get married, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t get involved with someone. She glanced across the table to where he sat between Ryan and Adrianne. He was attractive in a more mature way than he had been at nineteen. His hair was more styled. His face was leaner with lines that he hadn’t had back then. All in all, however, he was still an attractive man.

  Rebecca steered her thoughts away from that direction. Thankfully, Alex’s mother was happy to engage her in conversation about her books. It was just the distraction she needed. A good reminder that she had a life that she needed to get back to sooner rather than later.

  After dinner was finished and the dining room cleaned up, they returned to the living room where the tree was. They each had a cup of coffee or hot chocolate, and Adrianne also carried a plate of Christmas baking that her mom had brought over. They hadn’t turned on the lights of the tree earlier, wanting to wait until it was dark to get the full effect of it. Rebecca sat down on one end of the loveseat, tucking her feet up under her, and gripped her mug of coffee tightly in her hands. She took a sip, watching as once again Melanie and Jordan surveyed their work.

  She was a bit perplexed by how involved Melanie was in the decorating and yet Adrianne didn’t seem as interested in it. Alex’s twin had been present for everything, but she hadn’t participated in the way everyone else had.

  Movement to her right grabbed her attention and she looked over to see Alex settling onto the loveseat beside her. She didn’t let her gaze linger and hoped it appeared natural when she looked back to where Melanie and Jordan were. Alex leaned forward resting his elbows on his thighs as he held his own mug of coffee. It shouldn’t have felt as right as it did. To have him sitting there beside her like it was the most normal thing in the world. But she couldn’t allow herself to think that way. Not with the way things were between them.

  “They did a good job, don’t you think?” Alex asked as he glanced over his shoulder at her.

  Rebecca nodded, not sure what sort of conversation Alex was looking for. “I’m glad Jordan was able to be here for this. He had a really good time today.”

  Alex’s head bobbed once, his gaze still on the tree. They sat in silence for a few minutes then Alex straightened and leaned back. He took a sip from his mug and shifted slightly in her direction. His knee brushed against hers and she fought the urge to pull back.

  “I know that I don’t have the right to ask, but I’m wondering if you would be willing to consider staying on here through the New Year. There is still cause for concern on the safety side of things, but to be honest, I just want you and Jordan to stay to see if we can work this out somehow.”

  Her heart thudded in her chest. Was he asking for something more than just the opportunity to get to know Jordan? The idea both frightened and excited Rebecca. But she knew that this could never work. Their life was in Chicago. And there was just no way to erase fifteen years and try to make a marriage out of what was left.

  “I’ve already been thinking about when we should return to Chicago.” Rebecca looked over at Jordan, watching as he laughed and joked with Tyler and Ryan. “I think Jordan will want to stay at least through Christmas. At this point, I would probably be willing to commit to that, but beyond that, I don’t know. We do need to get back to our lives in Chicago. That’s where our home is.”

  Alex nodded. “I understand that. I just want the chance to get to know you again.” He paused and cleared his throat. “To get to know you and Jordan. If I’m going to be part of Jordan’s life, it’s important that you and I also get along. I know we’ve both changed a lot over the years, so I’d like to get to know the person you are now a little bit better before you go back to Chicago.”

  Rebecca knew that Alex was right, but the prospect of getting to know him better scared her. She didn’t want to find herself falling for this man again. Not when she was in the midst of trying to untangle their lives. The past just made her more su
sceptible to Alex. If she allowed herself to, she could still feel the emotions she’d had back then for him. She thought the years had dulled the memory of it, but after spending even just a few days with Alex, everything was back in full force. It wouldn’t do her any good to put herself in a situation where those emotions and feelings would compromise her ability to make the best decisions for her and for Jordan.

  “I also want you to know that I am very thankful for the opportunity you’re giving me to get to know Jordan. You didn’t need to do that given the circumstances, so I just want you to know that I appreciate it.” He glanced one more time in her direction then pushed to his feet, leaving her alone to mull over his words.

  Rebecca took another sip of her coffee and tried to remember all the reasons why letting Alex close again was a bad idea. It was too easy to see all the ways their lives could mesh together even now. With her writing and Jordan being homeschooled, the only things they’d really be leaving behind in Chicago of any value were their church family and friendships.

  But she would basically be starting over again if they moved even though this was where she had grown up. After leaving with her parents, she had made no effort to keep up the friendships she’d had in high school.

  The cushion beside her dipped and she glanced over to see Adrianne in the spot Alex had vacated. She held the plate with the cookies and other Christmas dainties on it.

  “Do you want one?” Adrianne asked as she held the plate toward Rebecca. “My mom makes the best Christmas stuff. Unfortunately, I can never eat as much as I want or I’ll pay for it later.”

  “Everything does look very delicious,” Rebecca said as she took two different dainties from the plate. “I’m just going to have to hope the calories eaten at Christmas don’t count.”