Rae of Sunshine

by Micalea Smeltzer

  “I am mortified,” I continued, still sitting on the ground. At this point I wasn’t sure if I could even walk. “This is the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me.”

  “Oh, I doubt that sweetheart,” he chuckled.

  I leveled him with a glare, which only made him laugh harder.

  I slowly picked myself up off the ground and together we headed back to the tunnel and through the locker rooms. I silently thanked whichever god was listening that the room had been empty. I didn’t think I could handle any more humiliation.

  The campus was clear of students as Cade walked me to the dorm. It was still early in the morning and people hadn’t started roaming around yet. I was glad that no one was around to witness the two of us together at this time of the morning. If someone caught us the rumor mill would start up.

  Cade stopped beside the doors of my dorm and glided his fingers over my cheek. He did that a lot. “Thank you for last night,” his voice was low. Leaning forward, he whispered, “For the record, I really wanted to kiss you.”

  ***

  The dorm room was dark and I eased inside, making sure the door closed silently. I was still reeling from Cade’s admission and I didn’t know what to make of my feelings. They were all over the place. A raging storm.

  “Where have you been all night?”

  Fuck.

  I’d never imagined I’d have to worry about waking Thea since she usually slept like the dead until her alarm went off.

  “Tell me everything.” She clapped giddily with a grin. Suddenly she frowned. “On second thought, maybe you shouldn’t tell me. You were probably with my brother and that would be gross.”

  I leaned against the door and sighed. I knew there was no way I was getting out of this. “Yes, I was with your brother.”

  “And did anything happen?” She prompted.

  I frowned, thinking of the almost kiss. “No.”

  “Did you want something to happen?”

  “Thea,” I snapped, “would you please stop prying? I have no idea what all these feelings inside me mean and talking about them with you only makes them get even more jumbled.” I started to pant from lack of oxygen.

  “Oh.” Her eyes widened in surprise. “I’m sorry I asked.”

  “Please, don’t be mad,” I pleaded, “but I hardly understand what I feel and when you ask me questions it only makes it more confusing.” I pressed a hand to my head, feeling a headache coming on. “God, this is confusing.”

  “Have you ever been in love before? Sorry,” she slapped a hand over her mouth, “that was another question.”

  I sat down on my bed and decided to open up and share a little bit of myself with Thea. “Yes, I’ve been in love. I thought he was my forever.”

  “So…what happened? Did he turn out to be a jerk?”

  I closed my eyes and swallowed thickly, tears pricking my eyes. “He died.” And it was my fault.

  “Oh,” her mouth parted, “Rae, I’m so sorry.”

  I looked away, not wanting to see the pity in her eyes. The people that didn’t know the whole story were always so sympathetic. I didn’t deserve it. Not when I was the one responsible. Sometimes, I felt like the hate was easier to deal with than the pity. At least the hate I could understand. I felt it too, because I hated myself. That didn’t mean I wanted to surround myself by those people, though.

  “Some things just aren’t meant to be,” I shrugged like it was no big deal. I didn’t want her to know how much I was still affected by Brett’s death. Forcing my eyes to hers, I pleaded, “Could you do me a favor and not tell your brother about this?” It had been hard enough telling Thea, I didn’t want Cade to know too. I didn’t want to become that girl, the one where whispers were heard behind her back as people pointed and speculated. I’d gotten enough of that back home and the last thing I wanted was Cade asking questions, because he would.

  Thea nodded slowly. “If you don’t want me to, I won’t, but I don’t see what difference it makes if he knows or not.”

  “You wouldn’t understand,” I muttered.

  She sighed. “Maybe I would if you’d actually trust me.” With a sigh, she lay back down and rolled over with her back to me, effectively ending the conversation.

  I pinched the bridge of my nose.

  I could see now that if I didn’t open up to Thea, and Cade too, about everything I would inevitably lose them.

  I wasn’t sure which pain would be worse—having them know the truth or not having them in my life?

  fourteen

  “What the hell should I wear?” I asked Thea, as she primped in front of the mirror in the bathroom. “I don’t think I’ve ever been to a club before.”

  She peeked around the doorway of the bathroom. “I can tell you right now that I know for a fact there is nothing remotely club related in your closet.”

  “I don’t even want to go to a club,” I whined.

  I’d been talked into going, because Thea was desperate to go to this new club and I refused to let her go by herself. Stranger danger and all that jazz.

  “Then you don’t have to go,” she countered, putting on a necklace.

  I sighed. “And let you go by yourself? I don’t think so.”

  “Then stop complaining,” she chided, heading to her closet.

  She grabbed a slinky black dress and threw it at me. “Wear that.”

  I eyed the short dress with strategic cutouts. “I think a nipple might pop out.”

  She snorted. “Rae, you’ll be fine. Have I ever steered you wrong?”

  So far she hadn’t but there was a first time for everything.

  I slipped into the dress and felt extremely naked in it. “I’m going to freeze to death.”

  “Oh, please,” she rolled her eyes, “you’re such a baby. I know you have that super cool leather jacket with the studs on it in your closet somewhere. That’ll work just fine and keep you warm.”

  “That might keep the top half warm, but what about all of this,” I waved a hand at my bare legs.

  “Sometimes you have to suffer for fashion. It’s a fact of life.”

  I didn’t really think one should have to suffer, but I knew there was no arguing with Thea.

  I pulled a pair of combat boots on and said, “Okay, I’m ready.”

  “You’re not going to do anything with your hair?” She asked.

  I tugged on a curly strand. “Nope. I’m leaving it down.”

  She smiled and grabbed her clutch. “Well, if you’re ready, let’s get out of here.”

  I followed her out the door feeling like this had been a very bad idea.

  ***

  “It’s so nice to get out on the weekends!” Thea yelled over the music, taking a sip from some fruity concoction.

  “It is,” I agreed, because it seemed like the right thing to say. I would’ve rather been at the dorm editing photos but I knew Thea wouldn’t understand.

  “Ah!” Thea sat her glass down on the bar roughly, so that some of her drink sloshed over the sides. “I love this song! Let’s dance!”

  I wrinkled my nose. Dance? Um, no thanks.

  But the girl would not take no for an answer and whatever she was drinking must’ve been strong because she was definitely not in control of herself.

  She dragged me onto the dance floor and started dancing in a way that would make other clubbers think we were lesbian lovers. Not cool. Not that there was anything wrong with lesbians, but I didn’t want anyone getting the wrong idea or to think we were going to put on a show.

  “Thea, stop,” I groaned, when she started getting touchy feely. “This is weird.”

  “You’re no fun, Rae,” She pouted. “I need fun!”

  I groaned. We’d barely been here thirty minutes and I could already tell I was going to have to drag my drunk roommate home, which was going to be so much fun. We’d taken a cab here, so I’d have to call one to come get us and I was sure they’d be thrilled if she threw up in there.

  But
I didn’t need to be thinking about that. Instead I needed to focus on what she was doing now, which was—

  “Thea! Did you just grab my ass?!” I gasped.

  She giggled and hiccupped, before sashaying her hips. “Maybe! You need to lighten up!”

  “Thea,” I groaned, when she put her hands on my hips trying to get me to move to the beat of the song, “stop it.”

  “Fine,” she pouted. “You’re no fun.”

  “Thea!” I called when she melted into the crowd of dancers and disappeared.

  I should’ve just kept my mouth shut, because now I’d lost a drunk girl in the middle of an insanely large crowd. Not good.

  “Thea!” I called again, pushing my way around people. I even elbowed some dude in the gut when he tried to grope me. Honestly, couldn’t people keep their hands to themselves?

  I looked and looked, moving through the crowd but Thea was gone.

  Fabulous.

  I made my way back the bar, figuring it would give me the best vantage point to try to find her.

  I grabbed an empty stool and sat down, craning my neck.

  “Looking for someone?”

  I jumped at the male voice.

  I turned around to face the man. He wasn’t much older than me, maybe twenty-two. He had light gray eyes—they almost seemed white, like they were leached of color. His brown hair fell in messy waves over his forehead. “Uh, yeah,” I muttered, feeling a bit creeped out. I scooted the stool a smidge away and prayed he didn’t notice. “My boyfriend.” The lie slipped out of my mouth easily. Something about the guy was just…off. I hoped that if he thought a guy was going to appear any second he’d stop looking at me like…like he wanted to lick me.

  “A boyfriend? Really?” He raised the glass of whatever he was drinking to his lips. “You came in with another girl and I haven’t seen you with a guy.”

  My pulse jumped and a sweat broke out across my skin.

  This was not good and my gut told me I needed to get away.

  “He’s meeting me here,” I mumbled. “Excuse me.” I slid off the stool, scurrying away from Icky Guy.

  I was going to find Thea and we were getting the fuck out of here whether she liked it or not. I was also never ever letting her talk me into this ever again.

  When I still couldn’t find her I headed to the back where the bathrooms were, figuring she had gone there.

  I hadn’t made it far when my body was slammed roughly into the wall, causing my teeth to clank together and blood to blossom on my tongue.

  Before I could scream a hand slammed against my mouth.

  My eyes connected with Icky Guy’s. I was so screwed.

  Panic began to choke me, but I tried to talk myself down. If I panicked I wouldn’t be able to think straight and since I couldn’t count on someone coming along and helping I had to rely on myself.

  His other hand groped my side where there was one of the cutouts. “You have beautiful skin,” he whispered, lowering his head to mine. “It’s soft. Like velvet.”

  I whimpered when his nose grazed mine. I didn’t want any part of him touching me.

  “I love your hair,” his fingers went to grasp one of the long curly strands. “There’s something exotic and hypnotizing about your eyes,” his voice lowered. “They tell a story.”

  I wondered if they told the story of how I was going to kick his ass, because if he thought he was taking advantage of me then he was insane. I was not going down without a fight. He wasn’t the biggest guy on the planet and I was fairly certain I could get him off me and have time to run away.

  The question was, how far would this go before I found the opportunity to get away?

  He lowered his hand from my mouth but before I could suck in oxygen to scream his mouth was on mine in a bruising kiss. I bit down on his lip and the fucker bit me back like he enjoyed it.

  Stay calm, Rae. Stay calm and think.

  Brushing off my rising panic, I tried to relax my body. Maybe if he thought I was giving in he wouldn’t hold me so tight. With the way he held me now I knew I’d have bruises on my arm and hip from his hold.

  I hated the taste of his lips on mine—ashy like cigarettes mixed with alcohol. It was enough to stir my stomach. I was sure he wouldn’t be thrilled if I threw up in his mouth, but it would be sure to get him away.

  I felt tears prick my eyes and about that time, his hold lessened.

  Now was my chance.

  I maneuvered my legs so that one was between his.

  And then I kicked.

  With a yelp he fell to the ground.

  I stood for a few seconds, stunned that it had actually worked.

  Then my mind screamed at me to run, so I did.

  My legs couldn’t carry me away fast enough. Panic still choked me and I was terrified that at any second he would grab ahold of me and drag me back to that dark corner.

  My hands slammed into the exit doors and I ran outside.

  Breathless, I sat down on the sidewalk, trying to calm my racing heart.

  I was in shock and my body shook uncontrollably.

  Did that really just happen?

  The tracks of my tears on my cheeks told me that it did.

  I expected the guy to bust out the door any second and I wished I had driven here instead of taking a taxi, because now I was stranded here.

  I heard footsteps and jumped up, ready to run, but when I turned it was Thea.

  Seeing Thea did nothing to calm me, though.

  “Rae!” She cried, all but falling in her heels. “I saw what happened! Oh my God, I couldn’t believe that! Are you okay?!”

  I backed away from her with my hands held up and my lower lip trembling. “Stay away from me,” my voice cracked. I was livid with Thea. This had been her idea. Then she’d run away and because of her I’d end up having Icky Guy try to…I wasn’t going to let my thoughts go there.

  “Rae?” She stopped, looking at me with a hurt expression.

  “This is your fault,” I accused. “Stay away from me.” I crossed my arms over my chest and started to walk away.

  “Rae! You can’t just leave!”

  “Watch me,” I growled.

  “Rae! I called Cade, he’ll be here any minute!”

  I whipped around and screamed, “I don’t care! He can pick you up then, which is great since I really don’t even want to look at you right now!”

  I felt like if I was stuck in her presence for a minute longer I might end up strangling her.

  “Rae, please be sensible,” she pleaded.

  Oh, she’d gone and done it now.

  “Sensible?!” I screamed. “Sensible would’ve been staying in the fucking dorm like we’re supposed to! Not going to a fucking club in the middle of fucking nowhere!”

  “You didn’t have to come with me,” she defended.

  “Yeah, well guess what, Thea? I came because I was scared something like that,” I pointed towards the building, “would happen to you! I was looking out for you, but where were you when I needed you? Huh? He could’ve hurt me, Thea!”

  She started to cry. “You’re right. I’m so, so sorry. This is all my fault,” she buried her face in her hands.

  Wrapping my arms around my body I sat down on the sidewalk once more. When I heard her heels clack towards me, I snapped, “Thea, seriously back off.” She cried harder, but my own tears seemed to have dried up. Now I was angry and I was taking it out on her. At least this time the person I was angry at actually deserved my wrath.

  A few minutes later headlights lit up the parking lot and Cade’s black Jeep screeched to a halt in front of us. He got out of the car and slammed the door shut, making me flinch.

  “What the fuck were you two thinking?” He shouted.

  “I’m sorry,” Thea sniffled, “I’m so sorry.”

  Cade stormed over to her and spoke in a hushed voice. Thea’s head lowered and she nodded, muttering something back.

  He opened the back passenger door and helped her into t
he Jeep like she was a small child.

  Then he stalked over to me. His body towered above me and for the first time in a long time I felt small. Fragile. Like I could break apart into a million pieces too small to be put back together.

  “Rae,” he crouched in front of me and reached a tentative hand out to my face. I recoiled against his touch, but he was unfazed. “Rae, please let me take you home.”

  Home. What was home? Certainly not the place I’d grown up and not where I was now. I didn’t have a home. I belonged nowhere.

  Now that my anger was fading, sadness was taking its place.

  I slowly brought my head up and my eyes connected with Cade’s. He looked worried, his brows drawn tight.

  A million different emotions swam through my body and I wasn’t sure if I could wade through them.

  “Take my hand, Rae,” he held his hand out for me, “take my hand, and let me get you away from here. Please.”

  With my fingers trembling I placed my hand in his. It closed around mine and he hauled me up into his sturdy arms.

  Suddenly my tears came back in full force and I was helpless to stop them.

  He wrapped his large arms around me and I cried against his solid chest. If it wasn’t for him I was pretty sure I would’ve crumbled to the ground.

  “Shh,” he hushed, rubbing his hand up and down my back. “I’m here now. You’re safe.”

  I clung to him, my hands grasping the fabric of his sweatshirt so tightly in my fist I was sure it would be wrinkled later.

  “Let it out, Rae,” he cooed, laying his head on top of mine. “I’ve got you.” I felt his warm lips press against my cool forehead. My eyes closed and I inhaled his scent—clean, woodsy, Cade.

  “I’m so sorry this happened to you,” he continued, “but it’s over and I’m here, and I’m not going to let anything hurt you ever again.”

  It was a promise he couldn’t keep, but I appreciated the gesture nonetheless.

  He pulled back a little, holding onto my arms with his hands, and lowered his head so he could peer into my eyes. “Are you okay now?”

  I nodded slowly. “I’m okay,” I echoed. Now that you’re here.

  “Come on,” he wrapped an arm around my shoulders and guided me to the Jeep. My body still seemed numb and when he saw that I didn’t possess the energy to climb into the vehicle he helped me inside.