Rae of Sunshine

by Micalea Smeltzer

  I glanced behind me and saw his dad racing for the exit as well.

  I knew I needed to beat him.

  I was able to cut him off and ran for the locker rooms.

  I reached the locker room door, ready to burst inside. I slammed my shoulder against it and flinched when it didn’t budge. Fucking locked.

  Tears pricked my eyes and I whimpered in desperation.

  I looked behind me and saw his dad approaching.

  Double fuck.

  I stood against the opposite wall of the locker room door and slid down until my butt touched the floor.

  His dad stopped, looking from me to the door. He gave no indication of recognizing me. Just looking at him was getting my blood boiling.

  “You’re an asshole, you know that, right?” The words bubbled out of my mouth before I could stop them.

  “Excuse me?” He stopped pacing and stood in front of me. His hands were shoved into his pockets.

  “You heard me,” I sneered. “I know what you do to him.”

  “Do to who, sweetheart?” He chuckled, completely unaffected.

  “To your son, Cade. Remember him? The son you like to hit? I saw you,” I seethed, standing up once more. With my height I was eye level with him and I refused to cower from his domineering presence. “I saw you hit him, so don’t even deny it,” I spat. “He’s a good guy, which is more than I can say for you,” I looked him up and down. “You’re scum and like to take your anger out on your son. Who does that?”

  “You have no idea what you’re talking about.” His face grew red and a squiggly vein on his forehead threatened to burst.

  “I’m not stupid, so don’t treat me like I am,” I glared at him.

  Anger radiated off of both of us as we stood staring, neither of us willing to back down.

  His fists clenched at his sides and I briefly wondered if he might hit me.

  We startled apart when the locker room door opened.

  “Rae?” Brady asked, taking in the scene in front of him. “Is everything okay?”

  “I don’t know,” I answered honestly.

  Brady hesitated. “You want to come see him?”

  I nodded, brushing past Cade’s dad. Before the door to the locker room closed behind me I caught it with my hand. I turned back around and spoke calmly but with authority. “Watch what you say to him, I mean it. I won’t watch you tear him apart.” He didn’t say a word, just stood there. I pushed the door open wider. “Are you coming?”

  He finally cracked a smile…a small one, and not very nice, but a smile nonetheless. “Am I allowed or will you yell at me for that too?”

  I rolled my eyes. God, this man was a piece of work.

  I turned around and let the door swing closed. It locked behind me, barring Cade’s dad from entering the locker room.

  Brady stopped me, his eyes wide. “What the hell was that about? Did you get into it with Malcolm?”

  “We were having a discussion.” I straightened my clothes. Brady looked at me like he didn’t believe me. “Honestly,” I added.

  “Mhmm,” he hummed, not believing me at all. “He’s this way.” He turned down a different hall and pointed to a room. “You can go on in.”

  I pushed the door open and found Cade sitting on a padded bench like you’d find in a doctor’s office. He had already changed into sweatpants and a sweatshirt. His pants were rolled up exposing his right knee. A doctor gently probed the area and Cade didn’t flinch so I hoped that was a good sign.

  “Hey,” I whispered, and he looked up at me.

  He smiled beautifully, like I lit up his whole world. He reached his hand out for me and I stepped closer.

  “How bad is it?” I asked, and I wasn’t sure if I was addressing him or the doctor.

  “Not too bad,” the doctor answered. “There’s some swelling and it will bruise, but I don’t think anything was torn. It’s going to require rest and elevation to help with the swelling. Don’t overdo it, I mean it,” he warned Cade. He turned to the freezer in the small room and grabbed an icepack. “Sit tight for a little bit,” he directed. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  Cade sighed and rested his head against the wall, the icepack on his knee.

  “Come here,” he patted the empty space beside him.

  I hopped up, afraid to get too close in case I caused him more harm.

  “Closer,” he growled, wrapping his arm around my waist and drawing me fully against him. “I’m not going to break if you breathe on me.”

  I laughed, leaning my head on his shoulder. “You scared me.”

  “I did?” He seemed surprised.

  “Yeah,” I whispered, and tears started to fall.

  Seeing Cade injured on the field had reminded me of the helplessness I’d felt seeing my friends dead in the car. When you love someone, and I knew I loved Cade, it was terrifying to see them hurt. You want nothing more than to take their pain away.

  “Don’t cry, Sunshine.” He reached over and swiped my tears away.

  “I can’t help it.”

  He pressed his lips against my forehead and my eyes closed. “I’m okay.”

  “But it could’ve been worse.” My voice shook with emotion.

  “But it wasn’t,” he countered, rubbing his hand up and down my arm.

  I looked up at him, staring into his kind blue eyes. In five months this man had become my friend, my boyfriend, and so much more. He saved me.

  “I love you.”

  His eyes widened and his mouth parted, like he didn’t quite believe I’d said it.

  I wasn’t ashamed for having admitted my feelings. Instead, I felt stronger. Love didn’t make you weak, it gave you strength and a purpose, so when you found it, it was only proper that you shout it from the rooftops.

  “Love is a very powerful word,” he whispered, cupping my cheek. He brushed his nose against mine. His hair tickled my forehead and his lips were dangerously close. If I was a braver person I would grab his face and kiss him until we begged for oxygen. Instead, I was still slightly terrified of his rejection.

  “I know, that’s why I used it, because what I feel for you is a very powerful thing.” My hands began to shake and I was tempted to runaway. But I held my breath and stayed, waiting to hear his reply.

  He grinned, pressing his forehead against mine. “I love you too, Sunshine.”

  I gasped, but he silenced the noise with his lips. He tilted my head back, his tongue finding mine.

  My hands wound around his neck and I squeaked when he grasped my thigh and pulled me onto his lap.

  We moved against each other and I could feel him pressed against me, his desire evident, which only increased mine.

  He moaned into my mouth, gasping my name.

  “I love you,” I murmured again and again. Now that I said it I never wanted to stop. I wanted him to know that I meant it and I wasn’t going to retract my words.

  He bit my bottom lip lightly, his hand cupping the back of my neck. He pulled away and our gasps for breath became the only sounds in the quiet room.

  “What did I do to deserve you?”

  I reached up, brushing my fingers over his slightly stubbled cheek. “I’m the one that should be asking that question,” I murmured.

  “You underestimate yourself, Sunshine.” He ran his thumb over my bottom lip. “You can’t see what I see, and that’s a damn shame.”

  The clearing of a throat had us breaking apart.

  The doctor tried to hide his smile behind his hand. “That doesn’t look like resting to me.”

  My cheeks flamed with color, but Cade was unaffected.

  “My lips may have been moving, but my knee was stable doc. Don’t worry.”

  The doctor shook his head, muffling a laugh. “Get out of here.”

  Cade tossed the icepack at the doctor and took my hand.

  After grabbing his duffel bag we headed for the exit. I couldn’t stop myself from looking for his father.

  “What?” H
e asked, noticing that I was distracted. “Are you looking for someone?”

  “No,” I whispered.

  I was silently thankful that his dad had left. It meant I’d spared Cade from being hurt by cruel words and maybe even a fist to the face. A small part of me hoped that maybe my words had affected the man somehow and he could find it in his heart to seek Cade’s forgiveness.

  Forgiveness could heal immeasurable pain, and it was time that I forgave myself.

  twenty-five

  “Are you going home for the holidays?” Kathleen asked before I could even sit down in the chair. “I’m sure your family would love to see you.”

  Her words screamed ambush, but I kept myself calm. After all, I had no proof that she talked to my mom, but with a question like that it sure sounded like it.

  “I haven’t decided yet,” I shrugged, picking a piece of lint off my black jeans. “Maybe.”

  And that was the truth. My mom had started calling me every day and it was becoming harder and harder to say no to her. My parents had been nothing but supportive since the accident, so I had no real reason to stay away except for my own insecurities.

  “Have you thought about visiting your friends?” She questioned, chewing on the cap of her pen.

  I knew what she was asking. Did I decide to visit the cemetery where they were buried.

  “I haven’t made up my mind,” I sighed. “I didn’t even go to their funerals. I was still in the hospital and afterwards it just…it felt wrong,” I mumbled, closing my eyes at the onslaught of memories. Oh God, the hate I’d received had been crippling. My friend’s parents needed someone to blame and I was the only person they could fault, and rightfully so. But I was only human. I had feelings. I bled. I cried. I hurt. But they didn’t think about what I was going through, only themselves. Going back to school had been just as bad. People looked at me differently, whispering under their breath as I passed. It had been horrifying and I was completely alone. But I always felt so selfish anytime my thoughts strayed down that path. I was alive and I should be thankful for that, any rude comments thrown my way shouldn’t even matter, but they did.

  Kathleen stared at me, twisting her lips as if she thought deeply about her next words. I held my breath, waiting for what she might say.

  “You act as if because you were responsible for the accident that you don’t have a right to grieve their deaths.”

  I flinched, turning away.

  She continued, “You’re allowed to mourn them, Rae. You lost them too.”

  My hands began to shake and I felt the telltale burning in my eyes that indicated the threat of tears, and lots of them. Kathleen was exactly right.

  “You have to let yourself mourn them,” she reached out, gently placing only the tips of her fingers against my knee. “Say goodbye to them and put this all to rest. I’m not saying you need to forget them, or that this will magically heal you, but it is a huge step. This will always be a part of you, Rachael, but it doesn’t have to define you.”

  She sat back and grabbed a tissue. She held it out to me and I accepted it, dabbing at my now damp face.

  Right after the accident I cried all the time, especially when I woke up in the mornings and realized it wasn’t a nightmare. My tears had dried up about six months after the accident, but coming to college seemed to have stirred them up again.

  “It’s okay. Let it out.”

  And I did.

  A year and half’s worth of tears burst forth and nothing else had ever been so cleansing.

  ***

  “I can’t believe Cade isn’t coming home for Christmas,” Thea whined, neatly folding her clothes and packing them in a suitcase. “It’s Winter Break! Who wouldn’t want to go home? Well…except for you two apparently.” Her mouth fell open with a sudden gasp. “Oh my God, are you two planning like a romantic getaway or something?”

  I snorted. “Absolutely not. I don’t have a romantic bone in my body.”

  “But my brother does.” She eyed me with a hand on her hip.

  I raised my hands in surrender. “Honestly, we have no plans. I just don’t feel like going home and he doesn’t either.”

  “Whatever,” she huffed, zipping her suitcase. “You’re both so boring.” Her phone beeped with a text message and she read the screen. “That’s my mom. She’s picking me up since Cade obviously won’t be taking me home. I need to get my own car,” she rambled. “Anyway,” she walked over to me and held her arms out, “I’m going to miss you and I’ll see you when break is over.”

  I hugged her back. “I’ll miss you too,” I said and meant it. I’d become so used to seeing Thea every day, and listening to her prattle on about random nonsense that it would be weird to be without her for two whole weeks. Maybe while she was gone I could have a ceremonial burning of all the pink shit on her side of the room. With the way she was dressed—leather jacket, torn jeans, and boots—I doubted she’d mind seeing the stuff gone.

  “Text me!” She called over her shoulder as she left the room.

  I wasn’t prepared for the amount of loneliness I’d feel the moment Thea was gone. She was always so fun and energetic and while at times it was annoying I had grown comfortable with her exuberance.

  I spent a few hours editing photos, talking to Nova on the phone—she’d flown home to California—and watching Netflix.

  College life. What could I say?

  I wasn’t surprised when there was a knock on my dorm room door around dinnertime.

  I opened the door to find Cade holding an armful of food and other bags.

  “Moving in?” I joked.

  He laughed. “If you let me.”

  I closed the door behind him and he set the bags on Thea’s bed. He began unpacking them and I saw that he’d brought Chinese and… “Candles?” I questioned. “Why did you bring candles?”

  He turned to me and smiled, that same smile that always made my knees quake. “I may be a guy, but I thought girls liked candles.”

  “Candles are fine, I just wondered why you brought them,” I shrugged, my stomach rumbling as I inhaled the scent of the food. “Besides, I think it’s against school rules to light candles in the dorms.

  “Rules were made for breaking,” he countered.

  He grabbed the fluffy blanket I kept on my bed and spread it on the floor along with several pillows. He then set the food on the blanket and scattered the candles around. He pulled a lighter out of his pocket and lit all the candles before dimming the lights in the room.

  He surveyed the room with his hands on his hips. “What do you think?”

  Cracking a smile, I said, “I think we’re going to burn down the building with all these candles.”

  “I guess we just can’t roll around,” he winked, causing my insides to squirm. The last week, ever since I told him I loved him, things had changed between us yet again. The intensity between us had become electrified like we were combustible.

  He stepped forward, closing the distance between us and ghosted his fingers along my cheek. I was sure he could feel the heat there from my blush.

  “Don’t get shy on me,” he whispered, brushing his lips softly against mine.

  A small moan escaped me and I grasped his shirt in my hands, pressing up on my toes so I could kiss him fully.

  I always tried to keep things from getting too out of hand between us, but it was growing increasingly difficult to do that. I wanted Cade in every possible way and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could wait. But I knew Cade, and he wouldn’t be the one to initiate things in that direction. He thought of me as a skittish cat that might run if he made one wrong move. If things were going to go farther than kissing, I would have to be the one that pressed for more, and that scared me. I’d always been more comfortable letting someone else take the lead.

  His hand that rested at my waist skated beneath my shirt and I shivered at the feel of his hand against my bare back.

  He backed up and my legs hit my bed. I sank down and he followe
d. The bed was far too small for the two of us, but I didn’t mind.

  He was careful to hold his weight above me. Always so gentle with me. Sometimes I missed the Cade that he was when we first met, the one that wasn’t afraid to joke with me. I wasn’t as breakable as I used to be. I was growing stronger every day and I wouldn’t be able to say that without having him in my life. I wished he could see that.

  “I love you,” he growled, his fingers tangling in my hair.

  I didn’t respond. My lips were otherwise occupied.

  My body grew warm with the heat we were generating and I pulled my shirt off. He hummed in approval, peppering small kisses over my breasts.

  I closed my eyes, soaking in the moment.

  The room could burn down around us and I would never even know.

  ***

  I curled my body around Cade’s and laid my head on his chest. His warmth wound around me.

  Our make-out session had ended long ago. We’d eaten and cleaned up, and now were ready to go to sleep.

  There was no discussion about whether or not Cade would stay the night, we both just knew it would happen.

  I’d changed into my pajamas and Cade had stripped down to his jeans—like I’d pitch a fit if he wore his boxers.

  He rubbed his fingers lazily against my arm, humming under his breath.

  He cleared his throat suddenly and I lifted my head to look at him. My hair brushed against his bare chest and he shivered.

  “I was thinking that maybe we should go somewhere tomorrow.” His voice was soft and hesitant.

  “Sure,” I agreed readily. “Where do you want to go?” Getting away for a little while sounded like a good idea—even if it was only a day trip. A change of scenery would be nice.

  “Xander’s dad has a cabin close to here. I was thinking maybe we could stay there for a few days,” he suggested, tangling his fingers in my hair.

  “A cabin? Is there plumbing?” I wrinkled my nose, envisioning some shack in the woods.

  Cade started laughing and then couldn’t seem to stop. Tears streamed down his cheeks. He wiped them away. “Of course it has plumbing, silly girl,” he grinned.