The Bible, the Old Testament

by Spike Milligan

  9. There crieth a woman, “Boo hoo.”

  And Elisha sayeth, “What ails thee?”

  She sayeth, “Lo! The creditors came to take my furniture away.”

  Elisha sayeth, “What have you got in the house?”

  And she sayeth, “Nothing, save a pot of oil.”

  Elisha bringeth several empty pots; he waveth his arms over them and sayeth, “Abracadabra.” And, yes, all the pots were full of oil, which she selleth for two hundred shekels, and all was well.

  10. One day Elisha passed through Shunem where a great woman constrained him to eat bread. It tasted so good that Elisha continually passed by for the hand-out.

  The great woman said to her husband, “That man is a holy man of God.”

  “No, he isn’t,” said her husband, “he’s a bloody scrounger.”

  The wife said, “Let us make a little chamber on the wall, and let us set in there a bed, a stool and a candlestick.”

  “He’s not bloody moving in is he?” said the husband, filling in divorce papers.

  Sure enough, Elisha came thither; he climbed into the chamber and lay there scratching his parts, his rent problems solved. He sayeth to Gehazi, his servant [he’s skint and he’s got a servant], “Call the woman.” The woman cometh, and Elisha sayeth, “Have you got any more of that bread?”

  She answered, “I dwell among my people.” [Eh?]

  “Of course, you do,” said Elisha. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

  And Gehazi said, “She hath no child.”

  “Can I be of help?” sayeth Elisha, taking off his clothes. Then she let go with a Biblical bafflement. “Nay, my lord, thou man of God do not lie unto thy handmaiden.”

  Bits of smouldering cloth falleth from heaven. “That must be Elijah,” said Elisha, “he’s trying to get in touch.”

  11. She beareth a son and he grew up, which is the right direction. She calleth him Eyeshigher, because one eye was higher, but overwhelmed by his mother’s chicken soup, he collapsed. They took him to his mother, she sat him on her knees ‘till noon, then he died. At the autopsy they sayeth he dieth from being kept on his mother’s knees too long. And the mother ran to Elisha; she caught him by the feet, he goeth arse over tip. She taketh the prophet to her son, and he waveth a wand over him and sayeth, “Abracadabra, upsydaisy.” The child doth not upsydaisy – then the loony prophet stretched himself over the lad and the child sneezed seven times and opened his eyes. “You’ve got a cold coming,” sayeth Elisha.

  The child arose and said to Elisha, “Ta.” The mother sobbeth, she throweth herself at Elisha’s feet and arse over tip he goeth again.

  12. And Elisha came to Gilgal. There was a dearth on the land; the sons of the prophets were sitting in the dearth. Elisha said unto his servant, “Set on the great pot, and seethe pottage for the sons of the prophet currently in the dearth.” So they poured out for the men to eat in the dearth. They were eating the pottage when they cried out, “Man of God, there is death in the pot.”

  Elisha was puzzled, he didn’t remember putting death in the pottage, so he changeth it all for beans and, lo, there came many seat-lifters.

  13. Now there was Naaman, a great man, captain of the Syrian Army. He goeth to a physician and sayeth, “I think I have leprosy.”

  The physician asketh, “How do you know?”

  And Naaman sayeth, “My fingers keep falling off.” Then Naaman heard of Elisha and his miracles and he maketh an appointment. When they meeteth, Elisha sayeth, “Does thou want this on NHS or privately?”

  “I’m with Private Patients Plan,” sayeth Naaman.

  Then Elisha writeth out a prescription. “Immerse thyself seven times in the Jordan; that and a bottle of antibiotics.”

  Lo, the treatment worked. Naaman sayeth, “Thou hast cured me, how can I thank you, what would you like?”

  “Money,” sayeth Elisha.

  14. The sons of the prophets said unto Elisha, “The place where we dwell is too straight for us.”

  “Right,” sayeth Elisha, “but I’m straight as well.” They goeth to Jordan to build an unstraight house, they cutteth down trees. Now comes a delightful story. As one was felling a tree, the axehead fell in the river, and he crieth out, “Master, master, it’s fallen in the water.”

  “Where fell it?” said Elisha. He shewed him the place. Elisha took a stick and cast it thither; and the iron did swim. Elisha said, “Take it up to thee.” And he put out his hand and took it; and so ends another tale.

  15. For the umpteenth time the king of Syria warred against Israel. He took counsel with his servants, saying, “In such and such a place shall be my camp.”

  But Elisha, the little sneak, runneth to the king of Israel, and sayeth, “Beware, thou go not to such and such a place, the Syrians are there.”

  The Syrian secret service put the finger on Elisha. They told the king, “Elisha telleth the king of Israel even words thou speaketh in thy bedchamber like, ‘Darling, where’s the po?’”

  16. The king of Syria waxed wrath, and it dripped all over him. “Go, fetch me that creep Elisha and I’ll cut his balls off.”

  So a hit squad goeth to cut his balls off; they sur-roundeth his home. Elisha seeth them with garden shears and he putteth on an armoured jockstrap. And he calleth out, “Lord, save my balls,” and the good Lord smiteth the hit squad with blindness. And Elisha sayeth, “Follow me.” They seeth not, but in the Bible all is possible. So the blind men followed Elisha; when they arrived at such and such a place the Lord opened their eyes and, lo, they were surrounded by the king of Israel. [How he did it on his own is another Biblical mystery.] “Shall I smite them?”

  “No,” said Elisha, and he calleth to the hit squad. “Promise thou will not chop off my balls.” And they promised and threw away their garden shears.

  17. But the king of Syria waxed wrath again, and he attacked the Israelites; he besieged Samaria, and there was a great famine. An ass’s head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and part of a cab of doves’ dung for five pieces of silver; what a meal! Boiled ass’s head with dung à la pigeon.

  18. The king of Israel was hiding from the fighting.

  There cried a woman, “Helppp!”

  The king said, “What aileth thee?”

  She said, “This woman said unto me, “Give thy son that we may eat him today, and eat mine tomorrow.” So we boiled my son with new potatoes and lentils and we ate him with a full-bodied red. Next day I said, “Give thy son that we may eat him” – but she hath hid her son, and tried to put us off with a tin of beans.”

  19. Then the king speaketh more Biblical mumbo jumbo. “God do so and more also to me, if the head of Elisha, the son of Shaphat, shall stand on him this day.”

  And God said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  And the king said, “I’m talking about ten words a minute.” And then the king appointed the lord on whose hand he leaned to have the charge of the gate and [wait for it] the people trode upon him in the gate and he died; another baffling Biblical death!

  20. Now the king of Syria was ill and sendeth Hazael, a servant, to Elisha.

  The servant sayeth, “The king is ill, will he live?” Elisha sayeth, “What has he got?” The servant sayeth, “Flu.”

  “Oh yes,” said Elisha, “he’ll live; you don’t die from flu.”

  Next day the king of Syria dieth of flu and they sendeth out bouncers with iron bars to look for Elisha.

  21. In the fifth year of Joram, Jehoram began to reign, and he walked in the way of the kings of Israel; that’s why he kept getting run over.

  22. Now the loony prophet Elisha called one of the children of the prophets. He said, “Gird up your loins, take this box of oil, pour it over his head, say ‘I anoint thee king of Israel’ then open the door and run Uke fuck.” And the boy doeth it all and runneth Uke fuck.

  And Jehu sayeth, “I’ve just had an Oilogram.” And his friends seeth him, saying, “Wherefore cometh this mad fello
w to thee?”

  23. “Well,” he sayeth, “I am the king of Israel, then he runneth like hell.” Then, unexplainably, all the serv ants rushed upstairs, each taking his garment with him and putting it under him on the top of the stairs.

  And they blew loud blasts on the trumpets, giving half of them prolapses. Jehu waxed up his wrath ‘till it dripped all over the floor, all his smiting licences were up so he went to smite Joram, who was concubining.

  Jehu drew nigh to Joram; he could hear the grunting. It was night and from the watchtower the night watchman gobbeth over the battlements, and a cry came from below, “You dirty bugger.” It was Jehu, who was cov ered in it.

  Then Jehu came unto Joram and said, “Is there to be peace between us?”

  Joram arose from his concubine and sayeth, “There can be no peace as the whoredoms of Jezebel and her girls continue.”

  “But,” said Jehu, who was an investor, “she’s doing well, profits are up eighty per cent, and the FT Index shares have gone up three shekels.”

  24. Then Jehu said to Jehoram, a total stranger, “Stand still and smile.” So he standeth still and smiled, and Jehu shot him. They buried him with one trouser leg rolled up as he was a mason.

  25. Then Jehu’s appointments’ secretary said: “Sire, it’s time for your next smote.” And he goeth to the Rye Golf Club, he taketh king Ahaziah on to the first green and he smote him in one. Jehu was feeling great, did a few kingly press-ups and was ready for some new smiting. And when Jehu came to Jezreel, Jezebel heard of it; she painted her face, tied up her hair and looked out of the window, and when he saw her, he screamed, “Barbara Cartland!”

  26. And there looked out three eunuchs, and Jehu said to them, “Throw her down.” And they threw her. Some of her blood was sprinkled on the wall and on the horses. “Don’t worry,” said Jehu, “that will come off with Flash.” Then he trode her underfoot. And the doggies came and eateth her, and Jehu said, “After this they’ll never eat Pedigree Chum.”

  27. Now blood and more blood. Ahab had seventy sons, all with different tutors. And Jehu wrote asking them to return. But no, they were ambushed by Jehu who cut off their heads [the slaughter goes on, folks] and put them in baskets and sent them to Jezreel. Jehu said, “Lay ye the heads neatly in two heaps at the entering in of the city gate.” But the police said it would cause hold-ups and fainting. Jehu went on to slay all the house of Ahab, except the parrot. “Cat And Parrot Survive Slaughter,” said the Jewish Chronicle.

  28. Jehu meeteth Jehonadab and said, “Is thine heart right, as my heart is right?”

  “No,” said Jehonadab, “I’ve got a heart murmur. Give me thine hand.” He did so and Jehonadab gave Jehu his knee. Then Jehu went to Samaria. He called all those who worship Baal to worship, then he smote them all. He broke the house of Baal and made it a draught house, and until today it only sells beer and snacks. And the Lord said to Jehu, “Bless thou, thou hast done well in executing that which is right in mine eyes.”

  29. When Athaliah saw that her son Ahaziah was dead, she selleth all his clothes to the Red Cross. And Jehoiada, a priest, calleth all the great captains to shew them the king’s son [whoever he is] and he announceth to the crowd, “This is the king’s son.” The people rejoiced; they blew trumpets and got ruptures. But from a window Athaliah came to the people in the temple and the Lord, rent her clothes and she sheweth two beauties. She crieth out, “Treason, treason.”

  “Never mind treason,” they said, “look at those boobs.”

  Jehoiada calleth the woman; he giveth them a quick squeeze, then said, “Take her hence.” And in good old Biblical style they took her forth and slew her. All of the people of the city rejoiced, then whooped! They slew Athaliah, it was a lovely end to the day, and a crowd of bloodthirsty Biblical bastards.

  30. Now Elisha, the loony prophet, had fallen sick of the sickness; soon he would be dead of the deadness. Joash, king of Israel, came and wept over him; Elisha got soaked, and died of pneumonia. His last words were, “Someone call a doctor.” After he was dead, they buried him up a tree; he had always wanted people to look up to him. And many people sought a miracle by touching the body of Elisha, and they carried a dead man up the tree who touched the bones of Elisha, click, click, and, lo, the dead man recovereth. “I have never felt better,” he said. Then he falleth from the tree and died.

  31. Now the next dozy character is king Amaziah. He did all things as Joash, his father, had done except die. The high places were not taken away, so those people in penthouses were safe from rent increases. As yet people did sacrifices and burnt incense on the high places so the landlords banned all rooftop barbecues. And it came to pass, as soon as the kingdom was confirmed, king Amaziah slew his servants. This made a big difference in household bills. Jehoash sent Amaziah a message saying, “The thistle that was in Lebanon sent to the cedar that was in Lebanon.”

  Amaziah sent it back saying, “Sorry, it’s all double dutch – is it supposed to be funny? Come, let us meet face to face.” So they went up and met face to face, and it was a nasty shock for both of them, “No, Lord, no.”

  32. Jeroboam, son of Jehoash, restored the coast of Israel from the entering of Hamath unto the sea of the plains, the only mention in the Old Testament of an effort to save the environment, then he died. Before he did he asked to see the fish knives.

  33. With the death of Amaziah of Judah his son Azariah, aged sixteen started to rule. He was a spotty lad with big ears that kept him permanently in the shade. He did that which was right in the sight of the Lord; he grovelled before him. But there were those who sinned against the Lord, so the Lord smote the innocent, spotty Azariah with leprosy ‘till the day of his death. By the time he died there wasn’t much of him left. Then Jotham, his son, ruled Judah.

  34. First Shallum smote Zachariah, then Menahem smote Shallum, then Tiphsah, then he smote all the women with child then a captain of the guard smote Pekahiah, then Hoshea smote Pekah (twice in one day). The Jewish Chronicle said, “Outbreak Of Smoting In Holy Land.”

  35A. Now Hoshea ruled in Samaria, a sort of Jewish Peckham Rye, but Zonka king of Assyria waxed wrath at Hoshea for he sendeth not his monthly tithe of smoked salmon, Bovril and Paxo stuffing. So he put Hoshea in prison, and he sayeth, “How long will I be in here?”

  And the king sayeth, “Not long, it’s timeshare.” Now the Lord was wrath with the Israelites as the men eateth lobster and bacon sandwiches, and the women weareth not knickers, and they built high places at exorbitant rents and they wrote sinful graffiti, ‘Bum to God’. And in the high places they burn incense and smoke themselves out. And the Lord speaketh from a thick sea mist and He collideth with a ship. “Turn ye from your evil ways,” He sayeth.

  And they sayeth, “Piss off.” So using a funnel He did. Now Hoshea did right in the sight of the Lord. He removed the high places, broke the images, cut down the groves, broke in pieces the brazen serpent of Moses; the damages ran into thousands of shekels.

  35B. And the Lord was with him and Hoshea prospered; the gown shop and the delicatessen were doing well. He rebelled against the king of Syria and sendeth not smoked salmon, Bovril nor Paxo. For this the king of Syria attacked Samaria and captured it; he taketh away all smoked salmon, Bovril and Paxo.

  36A. Now Hezekiah, king of Judah, was afraid of the Assyrian king and as a peace offering he sent Sennacherib peace offerings. He cut off the gold from the doors of the temple, he took the pillars away and the roof falleth in. It came to pass, Hezekiah rent his clothes, covered himself with sackcloth and crap. He said, “O Lord God, who dwellest between the cherubims, who speaketh with difficulty from fiery bushes, clouds, thick sea mists and jellies, the king of Assyria hath destroyed the nation, all the smoked salmon, Bovril and Paxo have gone and all I have left is the Oil of Ulay and the hereditary fish knives. Three years have the Assyrians stayed, during which I have digged and drunk strange waters, Highland Spring, Badoit, Malvern, and Perrier, and with the sole of my feet I have dried up all the r
ivers of besieged places.”

  The Lord said, “My son, I knew not you could drink water through your feet.”

  It came to pass, an angel of the Lord gave the Assyrian camp a terrible smoting: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses; not one corpse was left alive, and Hezekiah gave thanks to the Good Lord.

  36B. In those days was Hezekiah sick unto death. He had been drinking water through his foot and fell ill. Then came cheerful Charlie, Isaiah, he said: “Set thy house in order for thou shalt die.” Then the Lord spoke from a waterfall, all the while being washed downstream: “Listen not to Isaiah; he is a miserable sod, you will not die.”

  “Oh, thanks, God,” said Hezekiah.

  But the Lord heareth not, being washed out to sea.

  Then Isaiah prophesieth, “Come the day when your sons will be taken by Babylonians as eunuchs.”

  “My boys,” sayeth Hezekiah, “have their balls chopped, oh no.”

  37. Now it came to pass, Josiah came to the throne. He doeth what is right, he walked in the way of David, and turned not aside right nor left, so he always walketh forward in a straight line and was eventually never seen again. Now a priest, Hilkiah, read the book of the Lord unto Josiah. It sayeth servants shall have a rise, a five-day week, four weeks’ holiday a year. “Oh, my life,” moaned Josiah and he rent his clothes.

  38. It was a beautiful day so the Lord sayeth to Josiah, “Thou shall be gathered into thy grave in peace.”

  “I’m not dead yet,” sayeth Josiah.

  “Don’t worry, you soon will be when you’re buried. I don’t wish thine eyes to see the evil I will do to this land.”

  “Can’t I stay and see it?” sayeth Josiah.

  So the Lord sayeth, “I’ll put thy death on hold.” Then the Lord smote the land, he causeth the brothels to burn and the women scream to their clients, “For God’s sake, hurry up, we’re on fire.”

  39. At this time the king of Babylon was Nebuchadnezzar, and the Lord sent against him bands of Chaldees, bands of Syrians and bands from Ammon; they were never successful and never got in the charts.