The Bible, the Old Testament
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40. Finally, Josiah died, he was cremated and they threw his ashes in his bank manager’s face.
41. Jehoiachin came to the throne; he was very short and had to stand on a chair to reach puberty. He had Hodges’ disease and Hodges had his. He started to do evil, he putteth Araldite on door knobs and on toilet seats. The Lord was wrath. He maketh Nebuchadnezzar attack Jehoiachin and plunder the city taking the fish knives, and take king Jehoiachin as hostage and waiter.
CHAPTER XV
Then there was the time of David, the Lord God spoke to him from an apple strudel; He sayeth, “Build me a temple.” So David built it, he gave gold for all things gold, and silver for all things silver, gold candlesticks, silver candlesticks, gold for the table of shewbread, gold for the fleshhooks, all was gold, even the chariots of the cherubims. It was finished in the third month and king David declared bankrupt and the Lord blessed David and his overdraft. Then David gave the Lord a burnt offering, a thousand bullocks, a thousand rams, a thousand lambs, thus decimating all the flocks of Israel. David died at a great age, all that was left on his grave was the undertaker’s bill. Now Solomon the Wise came to the throne, so he went to the temple to make a burnt offering to God, chicken and chips, because after his father David had finished, that’s all that was left. A time came when king Solomon passed all the other kings of the earth in riches and wisdom, so he fainted. He goeth into the temple to thank the Lord, he mounted steps six cubits high and he knelt down, he raised his arms to heaven and went arse over tip, backwards.
2. When the Israelites received planning permission the builders laid the foundation of the temple. The builders were very good at laying, they’d laid half the girls in the district. Now the priests blew their trumpets, clashed their cymbals and beat their drums, and from everywhere came cries of ‘Noisy buggers’. And ancient men seeing the new temple wept with a loud voice, many shouted for joy, so that people could not discern the noise of the shouts of joy from noise of weeping; to solemnise the occasion it was called Noisy Buggers’ day, and the Lord blessed it. Then the Lord was woe again. He sayeth, “Woe to them that work evil in thy bed, at night and in the morning light they practise it, it is in the power of their right hand, if they go on doing it they will go blind. Thou shall sow, but shall not reap, thou shall tread the olives, but no oil will come, thou shall tread the grapes but no wine will come.”
“And if thou callest the fire brigade, verily they will not come. And, lo, there began a recession and it lasted and lasted and lasted and lasted.
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