Nathalia Buttface and the Most Embarrassing Five Minutes of Fame Ever

by Nigel Smith

  “Present?” said Nat, going hot and cold at the same time.

  “Yeah, I couldn’t think what to get her either,” said Chloe. “I mean, it’s not every day you become a teenager, is it?”

  Nat walked over to the present table as cheerfully as Anne Boleyn walking to the chopping block.

  She had forgotten to buy a present!

  She had been so excited by the words, ‘Flora Marling’s mega secret birthday pool party’ that she had totally forgotten the little word that came in the middle – birthday.

  She desperately rummaged about in her overnight bag to see if there was anything she could give Flora. She doesn’t want a pair of your pants, Nathalia, she thought hopelessly.

  In times of great stress, Nat did two things. First, panic.

  I’m doomed, I’m doomed, she thought, panicking.

  The second thing she did was to stop panicking and think: What would Darius do?

  Two seconds later, she whipped off a label from a present and wrote:

  Happy birthday Flora,

  Love Nat.

  Then she went off to get changed. A few minutes later, Nat emerged in her swimsuit and said hi to Julia Pryde and the other girls she knew from school. As per usual they were talking about boys and clothes.

  Nat played along for a while, smiling and laughing in the right places. But she soon got bored and wandered off to help herself to a marshmallow. She dunked it in the fountain and looked around. She saw that most of the girls were fiddling awkwardly with their phones.

  “What are they all doing?” Nat asked no one in particular.

  “They’re probably telling everyone who’s NOT here that they ARE here,” laughed Flora, floating up to Nat. “Instead of just enjoying themselves.”

  Flora was wearing the prettiest dress in the history of the world. “Totally,” said Nat, spilling chocolate all over her fingers.

  “If they’re not on their phones they’re always online,” said Flora, “and that’s so weak. It’s like they’re all trying to get five minutes of fame. Oh –” she put her hand over her mouth – “no offence.”

  “Totally,” said Nat. Oh, come on, think of another word, Buttface, she yelled at herself silently.

  “I don’t go online much,” said Flora. “It’s not real, you know?”

  “Totally,” said Nat. AAARGH.

  “I mean, if you’re going to talk to someone, look them in the eyes and talk to them.”

  “Totally,” said Nat. Shut up, you moron.

  “It means way more when you talk in real life.”

  “Totally,” said Nat. I give up.

  “You’re funny,” said Flora, and drifted off for another real conversation.

  Nat decided that talking wasn’t her strong point so she thought she’d slip into the pool, given everyone else seemed to be too busy on their phones or posing around the edges to have any actual fun.

  She couldn’t believe there was still no one on the dolphin.

  There is now, she thought, paddling over to it and scrabbling on, holding her chocolate marshmallow above her head.

  Done it, I win, ha, she thought, relaxing on the dolphin’s wide back.

  This lasted five minutes and twenty-eight seconds.

  Because that was when Hettie Putin, the girl who always won the shot-putt on sports day, decided to do a massive dive-bomb into the pool.

  It was a poor choice and might have been massively caused by the fact that she had just glugged a can of something she’d been saving for the party.

  That’s right, the very last can of WAKE UP!!!! pop.

  “Look at me, I can fly!” yelled the normally quiet and reserved Hettie. She took a massive run up and launched herself towards the water.

  Turned out she couldn’t fly, but she could hit the front of the dolphin with the force of a cannonball. There was a massive squeaky, farty noise as little Nat was pinged right off the dolphin, out of the pool and up into the air.

  “WAAAH, HELLLP!” shouted Nat as kids scattered beneath her.

  “Get out of the way!” she yelled as she came down on the table full of tasty party food.

  Squelch! She landed right in the sticky marshmallows, which at least broke her fall.

  Whoop! went the chocolate fountain, shooting up at the other end of the table and spurting dark chocolate liquid high in the air.

  Oh what a surprise, was the last thought that went through Nat’s mind, here comes choc-ageddon.

  Gloop! went the chocolate, as it started to come down.

  Here we go, thought Nat, splayed out in the squashed marshmallows. Here comes a gallon of chocolate. With any luck the fountain will hit me on the head and I’ll be knocked out until everyone’s gone home.

  Nothing happened. Only a huge gasp from all the kids around the pool.

  Funny, thought Nat, finally realising the fountain hadn’t landed on her. It’s always me that gets covered in stuff. Well, result.

  The chocolate didn’t land on Nat.

  It landed on Flora Marling and the world’s prettiest dress.

  LORA STOOD, STILL AS A FROZEN STATUE, ABSOLUTELY covered from head to toe. She looked like a melted Christmas tree decoration, a chocolate angel put too near the fire.

  Until that moment, Nat had thought the worst thing that could possibly happen was for the chocolate to land all over her, in front of all these other girls. But as she watched the gooey brown mess drop steadily off Flora Marling’s perfect nose, she realised this was far, far worse.

  No one said anything for an entire five long, awful doom-laden seconds.

  And then Flora Marling did the coolest thing of all time ever.

  She laughed!

  She threw her chocolate-covered tresses back and said:

  “Chocolate’s on me, guys.”

  Everyone cheered and started dipping their strawberries and marshmallows on her.

  Eventually, Nat scraped herself off the table and walked up to Flora, head hung in shame.

  “I’m so SO sorry,” she said.

  “It’s a party, it’s not meant to be serious,” laughed Flora.

  “You are awesome,” Nat blurted out. “However famous I became, I would NEVER have been as cool as you.”

  Whoops, she thought, did I say that out loud? Well I just proved my point. NOT cool.

  Unfortunately, though, all the other girls weren’t quite as cool as Flora Marling was about choc-ageddon. As they crowded round Flora, they twittered and gossiped, whispering about Nat.

  “Who does she think she is?” said one.

  “She ALWAYS has to be the centre of attention,” muttered another.

  Nat, who’d had quite enough of being talked about, sighed and went to get cleaned up. She spent ages showering off the marshmallow goo in the little wet room next to the pool house. She didn’t really want to come out of the shower, ever. Not for the first time recently, she wished Darius had been there.

  Darius. Her heart sank as she thought about his cheerful, evil little goblin face. She’d let him down, she’d let the ugly animals down, and for what? So she could make a total spanner of herself in front of a bunch of boring girls who she didn’t even like that much anyway.

  Nat looked at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. She didn’t much like what she saw. It’s fame that led you here, she thought. Well at least I can put a stop to that.

  She sighed. She knew she didn’t belong in a swanky wet room in a super-posh house full of boring posers.

  She belonged at a stinky ugly pets’ home full of horrible drooling animals. And the horrible drooling Darius Bagley.

  As she left the bathroom, Nat saw Chloe Marling in the corridor, frowning at a door that was slightly ajar.

  “Hmmm,” Chloe said, “no one’s supposed to be in here.”

  She opened the door and found a small gaggle of girls, including Julia Pryde, huddled over a laptop.

  “Out,” said Chloe, sounding very grown up.

  “We’re just doing our hair,”
said Julia Pryde guiltily.

  “Don’t lie to me,” said Chloe, sternly. “Now you aren’t supposed to be in here, are you?”

  “No, Miss,” said Julia Pryde. She looked very small and young and silly.

  “Now run along,” said Chloe. The girls shuffled out, casting envious glances at Nat, who was standing next to the awesome Chloe.

  “Doing their hair, my foot. Just cos I’m a model now, everyone thinks I’ve changed into someone stupid,” said Chloe.

  She went over to the laptop to see what they were looking at.

  “Does fame change you?” Nat blurted out, remembering she was talking to a genuinely famous person.

  Chloe tapped a few keys on the laptop.

  “Nah,” she said. “Fame’s just a magnifying glass, that’s all. I’ve met a bunch of famous people. And I reckon if they’re spanners now, they were always spanners.”

  Uh-oh, thought Nat.

  “Which famous people have you met?” she asked, finally.

  Chloe Marling reeled off a bunch of names like she was reading a shopping list.

  “And you,” she finished, with a smile.

  “Very funny,” said Nat. “I’m not famous any more.”

  “You kidding? I wouldn’t miss an episode of Nat the Normal Girl.”

  “Who? What?”

  “… although I was a bit disappointed in you. About your big decision tonight.”

  “Wha-wha-what big decision?” said Nat, sitting on the bed and feeling the world moving from under her.

  “I was hoping you were going to try and save the animal home,” said Chloe.

  “Animal home? How do you know about that?” said Nat, cold with fear.

  Chloe’s face broke into a massive smile. “OMG,” she said. “You’re such a great actress. OK, I’ll play along. Let’s pretend you don’t know. I’ll tell you how I know.”

  But even before Chloe explained, Nat realised that she DID KNOW.

  She knew why everyone had been acting weird at school.

  She knew why her life had turned into a soap and why everyone around her was always playing with their phone.

  She knew why Darius had locked himself away over a laptop every night.

  Even before Chloe turned the screen towards her, Nat knew.

  Even before she read the words:

  MY NORMAL LIFE

  A REALITY SHOW STARRING NAT THE NORMAL GIRL

  Episode 4: A BIG DECISION!

  She knew.

  Her life had felt like a reality show – because it WAS a reality show!

  H, WOW, THIS EPISODE IS UP TO DATE,” SAID Chloe. “Look, there’s you in the pool house taking the label off one of Flora’s presents. Oops, naughty!”

  Nat covered her eyes, and then peeked through her fingers like she was watching a horror movie. It WAS a horror movie. There she was, caught red-handed on camera (well, wobbly mobile phone footage) swiping the label.

  “I hope they’ve got the scene with the dolphin and the chocolate fountain,” said Chloe.

  “Turn it off, turn it off!” wailed Nat. “Who knows about this? Does anyone actually watch it?”

  “About a million people, that’s all,” said Chloe. “But more are tuning in every day.”

  Nat felt sick, but Chloe chatted on happily. “I mean, you haven’t got Dinky Blue, Girl Guru viewing figures yet, but give it time.”

  “This is so horrible,” said Nat, throwing herself full length on the bed. “My life is literally over.”

  “Oh, that looked great, but I haven’t got a camera,” said Chloe. “Do you want me to film this bit?”

  “No, I do not!” yelled Nat. “I don’t want to be filmed by anyone ever again for anything.”

  “So – you really didn’t know? And you’re not pleased?” said Chloe, finally understanding. “Not even a little bit?”

  “No. I hate my life and now I’m going home to jump in a big hole and …”

  She stopped and clenched her tiny fists in fury.

  “No, I’m not,” she said with a chill to her voice that Mum would have been proud of. “I’m going to the ugly pets’ home.”

  “Oh, you are going to save them!” said Chloe. “Yay!”

  “No, I’m going to kill Darius Bagley, live on air.”

  “I’ll drive you over there!” said Chloe helpfully. “Let me get my car keys.”

  Nat was waiting by the front door when Flora Marling walked past her.

  “I just found out about that stupid reality show,” she said.

  “Hilarious, isn’t it?” asked Nat unhappily.

  “I think they were all horrible to you. I’ll be crossing some people off next year’s party list.” She smiled at Nat and floated off. Nat was too stunned to reply.

  Porter Ogden was in the front garden of his doomed ugly pets’ home, smoking a pipe. He was wearing a suit that was old but surprisingly clean.

  Behind him in the house, animals howled and lights flickered.

  “They didn’t want me inside,” he said as Nat hopped out of the car. “They said I was getting in the way and scaring off the viewers.” He coughed and spat. “Now they’re complaining that without the pipe smoke, it smells too bad in there. Can’t win.”

  He ushered them through the front door, which was covered in the scratches of a thousand claws.

  The kitchen had been turned into a sort of ramshackle TV studio. The boxes and crates and dirty dishes had been pushed to one side in a big heap and they’d draped an old tablecloth over them to make a backdrop.

  Someone had painted ‘Save the ptes’ on it.

  Nat guessed it was Darius.

  The Dosh-a-Thon show was in full swing. Penny Posnitch was behind Dad’s old video camera set up on a tripod, filming everything. Dad and Darius were sitting in front of the screen. There were wires everywhere. Dad looked tired. There was a ukulele with only one string left unsnapped at his feet. Nat guessed he’d been trying to entertain the world for hours.

  There was a monkey on Darius’s shoulder, eating bits of wax out of his ear.

  To one side of them rested a huge picture of a unicorn. The horn had been left blank, to be filled in as donations came in.

  There was a sign on the horn reading:

  Donation totaliser.

  Target – one million pounds!

  At the bottom was a tiny felt-pen line, showing how much had been raised so far.

  It stood at £2.50.

  “It’s going well then,” whispered Nat to Chloe sarcastically.

  Penny must have heard something because she turned around. When she saw Nat, she burst into a big, relieved smile. She ran over to her.

  “I knew you’d come!” she said. “It’s been a disaster. Darius is up to verse 391 of his revolting poo poem, your dad played his stupid ukulele for two hours nonstop and Miss Hunny said she’s coming round later to do a magic act.”

  Then she saw Chloe.

  “Flipping heck,” she said, trying to get her hair in place.

  “Who’s that on the screen?” said Chloe, looking at a young girl wearing too much make-up and being very intense.

  Nat’s mouth dropped open.

  Live on the screen was none other than the biggest vlogger of them all:

  Dinky Blue, Girl Guru.

  And she was talking about Nat!

  But not in a nice way.

  “I mean, what sort of whacko person leaves these sick animals for a party?” said Dinky Blue.

  “They’re not sick,” said Dad.

  “And she’s not a whacko,” said Darius.

  “They sure look sick. And she sure looks like a whacko.”

  “You don’t understand,” said Dad. “I wanted her to go to the party. I’m glad she did.”

  “I don’t get it. Hurry up and explain. I’m a very busy vlogger. I’ve got to prepare a video on how to be kind to people, even if they’re not really worth being kind to.”

  “I’m now going to de-giblet Bagley live on air,” whispered Nat.
“I don’t care how famous it makes me.”

  But Chloe grabbed her. “Wait,” she said. “I wanna hear this.”

  “Nathalia really wanted to help these animals,” said Dad. “And she doesn’t want to be famous. Or at least, maybe she did for a bit, but not really. And I feel terrible about it because I put her dance video online in the first place. So that’s why I didn’t mind when tonight she just wanted to go to a normal party like a normal girl, not ‘THE Normal Girl’, if you see what I mean.”

  “It wasn’t a very normal party,” giggled Chloe.

  “Yeah, right,” said Dinky Blue. “EVERYONE wants to be famous. If she doesn’t want to be famous, why has she got her own reality show?”

  “What reality show?” said Dad. “Darius, do you know anything about this?”

  “We’re losing the connection,” said Darius quickly, hopping off his chair and running towards the laptop.

  But before he could get there, someone jumped into his path and grabbed him. He looked up.

  Right into the cold, furious eyes of the world’s latest reality star – Nathalia.

  ARIUS BROKE FREE AND MADE A RUN FOR IT. Unfortunately, he tripped over a trailing wire and went headlong into the backdrop with a huge crash. The carefully stacked boxes, crates, cages, dishes, pot, pans, garden chairs, bits of wood, pipe, tiles, buckets and other rubbish …

  … all fell on top of him.

  Nat dived into the pile after him. For a few moments, the two of them thrashed their way through a sea of rubbish, fur, feathers and scales as a bunch of the animals broke free and joined in the fight. The noise was tremendous.

  Nat thought she’d finally got him, but found she was throttling a large one-eyed lizard. Something licked her face. She pushed it off and dived into the rubbish again.

  “Get filming,” she ordered Penny. “I don’t mind this video going worldwide. People need to know I’ve got rid of this evil for good.”

  She saw one of Darius’s scruffy trainers and pounced.

  “Aaaarrgh!” he yelled.

  She hauled him up. He had a dirty saucepan stuck on his head and she clanged him with a potato masher until his eyes rolled round.

  “Give me one good reason why I don’t carry on mashing you!” she said.