Nathalia Buttface and the Most Embarrassing Five Minutes of Fame Ever
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“Glark,” said Darius.
“Why did you do it?” she said, mashing harder. “Why why WHY?”
“You liked being popular,” he blurted out. “And you said being famous made you popular.”
Nat stopped mashing.
“You wanted to be friends with the popular girls. So I tried to keep you famous. So you would stay popular. I thought you’d be happy.”
There was a long, long silence, save for Simba slowly crunching the unfortunate lizard in the corner.
“OMG, Darius, you’ve ruined my life and that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me.”
Chloe and Penny wiped tears from their eyes. Even Porter Ogden’s wheezy cough was gentler than usual.
Dad was on the phone. He shouted: “Someone’s offered us a tenner if Nat keeps mashing Darius!”
But she’d dropped the masher.
“Chimp,” she said.
“Buttface,” he said.
They turned to Penny, row forgotten.
“Bighead,” said Penny.
“Airhead,” said Nat.
Penny smiled.
“Sorry,” said Nat.
“All right,” said Penny.
Nat picked up the potato masher and handed it to Penny. “You can mash Darius if you like,” she said.
“No, you’re way better at it than me,” said Penny.
“Come on then,” announced Nat to the room. “Stop standing about. Let’s get to work. We’ve got a pets’ home to save!”
Just then, Mum walked in.
Nat gave her a massive hug and said: “It wasn’t my fault I’ve been the star of my own show. I knew nothing about it, honest. I was trying not to be famous and everything …”
“What show?” said Mum.
“Forget I said anything,” said Nat.
“I came here to support your father’s silly fundraiser. My company are offering him a thousand pounds if he promises never to play the ukulele again.”
“Is that your company or you really?” whispered Nat. Mum grinned.
“Right, kids, let’s get the show back on the road!” said Dad. “Come on, round up the animals, rebuild the set, put the camera back and stop Simba eating my foot – AAARRRGGGH!”
That night, everyone took part in the Dosh-a-Thon.
Dad set fire to his ukelele for twenty quid.
Darius got a pound for every verse of his epic poem Diarrhoea he could remember off the top of his head. He got five hundred and six pounds.
Porter Ogden told rude jokes that made Dad cover Nat’s ears.
Penny Posnitch drew a picture of fairies on unicorns being chased by Simba and sold it for two hundred pounds.
Miss Hunny popped by and did a magic act, which was great until she went to pull a rabbit from a hat and just pulled out Simba with a bunny tail in its mouth.
Chloe Marling gave a make-up tutorial and almost crashed the Internet.
Mum went on camera and told everyone firmly that they needed to donate – she got over ten thousand pounds in thirty seconds.
“How much more do we need to get to a million?” asked Nat sleepily, at about two in the morning.
“Nearly a million,” said Darius.
“How about you?” Mum said to Nat. “You’re our star.”
Nat shook her head. “I’m done with fame,” she said.
“Well, that’s good,” said Mum. “You shouldn’t go looking for fame. But occasionally, just maybe, fame finds you for a reason.”
There was a pause. Finally, Nat stood up. “Mum,” she said, “there’s something I have to do.”
She walked in front of the camera.
“Hello, viewers,” she said, hopping up and down, “why are you watching us? Can’t you be normal?”
HE DOSH-A-THON MIGHT HAVE SAVED NAT’S friendships with Darius and Penny.
But it didn’t save the home.
By Sunday afternoon, the money had been counted. They were still a way off from their million-pound target. Darius quickly worked out how much off:
£985,235.21p off.
It looked like the Black Tower Estates people were going to flatten the home and the sad fate of the animals – and Darius – was sealed.
But then …
On Monday morning a man in a suit from a big company came round with a chequebook to buy Porter Ogden’s incredible paint cleaner. The man’s daughter was a big fan of Nat’s reality show and her favourite bit was the paint fight. Her father couldn’t give two hoots about two silly kids chucking paint over each other, but he almost fell off his chair when he saw the cleaning gloop in action.
On Tuesday morning Porter Ogden put on his best suit, went round to the council offices and gave them the money and a right telling-off. He made sure the local news was there too. He fancied a bit of this fame thing.
He never revealed how much he got for his invention, but he also bought the house of the boss of Black Tower Estates, knocked it down and put a car park on it.
“Did you hear Chloe Marling got her own reality show?” Nat asked Darius as they were sitting in maths the following Friday.
“No, don’t care,” said Darius. “X is twenty-four by the way, not two hundred and six.”
“Ta,” said Nat.
Julia Pryde looked across at them and scowled at Nat.
“It’s OK,” said Nat, ignoring her. “Some people are meant to be popular, and the rest of us just aren’t.”
Monkey noises appeared to be coming from inside Darius’s desk.
“You do know you can’t actually bring King Kong to SCHOOL, right?” said Nat bossily.
“Nat,” said Penny, who was sitting behind her, “wanna come to my house tomorrow? Princess Boo’s got a new song out. We could do another dance video.”
After all she’d been through, all she’d learned, it would have been absolutely utterly, completely bonkers for Nat to say yes.
“Yes,” said Nat.
ALSO AVAILABLE:
Nathalia’s dad has been embarrassing her since before she was born.
FOR INSTANCE, it’s his fault that she has the world’s worst surname and has collected more hideous nicknames than she can count on both hands AND feet. It’s not easy making friends when you’re (not exactly affectionately) known as Nathalia Buttface. Or worse.
And don’t mention Dad’s old van so full of junk that it’s like a bin on wheels – and prone to do things like burst into flames in the school carpark IN FRONT OF EVERYONE IN NAT’S CLASS.
Now, finally, Nathalia has a chance to start afresh – at a new school, in a new town – but with the same old Dad. Unfortunately.
This isn’t going to end well.
Most girls would be over the moon if their dad told them they were off to the South of France for the summer.
But unlike Nathalia, most people don’t have the MOST EMBARRASSING DAD IN THE WORLD. Not only does his surname mean she’ll be called Nathalia BUTTFACE for the rest of her life (or even longer), but he also looks RIDICULOUS in shorts, gets all pink and peely on his bald spot, and thinks speaking French means speaking in English with a stupid accent.
Maybe this holiday will be different, though. A farm in the South of France with a pool. Surely even Dad can’t ruin this?
Don’t bet on it!
About the Author
NIGEL SMITH has been a journalist, busker, TV comedy producer and script writer, winning an award for his BBC 4 radio comedy, Vent, based on his own life-threatening brain illness. More importantly, he has been – and still is – an embarrassing dad. Much like Nathalia Buttface, his three children are continually mortified by his ill-advised trousers, comedic hats, low-quality jokes, poorly chosen motor vehicles, unique sense of direction and unfortunate ukulele playing. Unlike his hero, Ivor Bumolé, he doesn’t write Christmas cracker jokes for a living. Yet.
This is Nigel’s third book about Nathalia Buttface.
Also by the Author
Check out these great reviews from Lovereading4kids:<
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“Without a doubt the funniest book I have ever read.” Sam, age 10
“The plot was hilarious and the ending was brilliant and unexpected.” Eloise Mae, age 11
“This book made me laugh out loud many times and I didn’t want it to end.” Lily, age 9
“I rate this book five stars because it is so funny and really cool.” Jenny, age 8
“This book is hilarious, amazing and gives me an embarrassing feeling on behalf of Nathalia!” Elspeth, age 9
“Nathalia Bumolé is one of the unluckiest kids ever, and most of it is her dad’s fault!” Elise Marie, age 9 ½
“Makes me glad my dad is nothing like this dad, although he is still very embarrassing.” Emma, age 7
About the Publisher
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