Sucks to Be Me: The All-True Confessions of Mina Hamilton, Teen Vampire (maybe)

by Kimberly Pauley

  I like being almost a senior. They’ve loosened the leash quite a bit in the last few months or so. As long as I call, they’re cool if I stay out. Of course, if I came home puking drunk, I’m sure I’d get a severe talking to and be grounded until I was like thirty, but I’ve got no plans to do that.

  Nathan gives us a tour of his McMansion, even the inner sanctum (his bedroom: blue walls, not too messy, lots of movie posters, and his own entertainment center complete with TV, stereo, and the latest gaming system). I see what Serena was talking about when we make it down to the pool. Whizz-bang! They could charge admission. Seriously.

  Unlike Jill’s pool, which is huge and rectangular (i.e., ostentatious but boring), Nathan’s is all curved and blue lagoon-like with two waterfalls and a cute little bridge. One of the waterfalls is even big enough for two people to hang out behind. With all the tropical plants and mood lighting and the music softly playing out of hidden speakers, it’s like being in paradise.

  “I wish I’d brought my suit.”

  “No problem,” says Nathan. “Just go in the tiki hut. We keep suits in all sizes in there for visitors.” He looks me up and down. “Try the green one. I think that one would suit you.”

  Hmmm. I cross my fingers, hoping that the green one is a cute little two-piece and not one of those horrible things with a little skirt attached to it.

  The green one turns out to be a one-piece, but it’s kind of a sexy one with high-cut legs and a back that dips really low. It fits perfectly. I wonder if that means that Nathan has a good eye or has he been fantasizing about me so much he knows exactly what size I am? I hope it’s the latter.

  Serena picks another one-piece in red. Now that she’s escaped the clutches of Goth-hood, she’s embraced color completely. Nathan and George change too. (No Speedos, thank God—I’ve yet to see a guy that actually looks good in one and I’d also have to find something to look at when we talk because your eyes are inevitably drawn to where they shouldn’t be. You just can’t help it. It’s like their crotches become magnets or something.)

  We hang out in one of the smaller lagoons, which turns out to be a hot tub. No one says anything for a good twenty minutes as we just sit there and soak. The only sound is the bubbling of the water and the music (sounds like Morcheeba). Nice. Much better than a crazy party. There’re probably people hanging from the chandeliers at Jill’s place by now. If the chandeliers are still attached to the ceiling, that is.

  Serena’s the first one to break the silence. “This is so nice,” she says. We all murmur agreement.

  “Truth or Dare,” George blurts out suddenly.

  “For who?” asks Nathan.

  “Anybody.”

  “I’ll bite,” says Serena. “Dare.”

  She’s a brave girl, my Serena. Especially since the last time she took a dare she had to wear a pair of underwear on her head to school. Clean, of course.

  “Okay … don’t worry, I’ll be nice.” He thinks a minute. “Do a full on impression of your favorite singer.” Funny. I figured he’d do the old standby of “give so-and-so a kiss” but I guess he can’t do that when he’s the one she should be kissing. That would be kind of self-serving.

  Serena stands up and does her best Gwen Stefani with pouty lips and attitude, singing “I’m Just a Girl.” She takes a bow and sits down a little out of breath when she’s done. If she could actually sing, it would have been perfect.

  “My turn now. Nathan. Truth or Dare?”

  “Truth.”

  “Do you know who you’re going to ask to prom?” Wow, she just goes right for the jugular. I kick her under the cover of the Jacuzzi bubbles. Not that I don’t want to know, but still. Let’s not be obvious or anything.

  “Yep.” He smiles at her.

  “Well, who then?” she asks.

  He wags his finger at her. “You’re only allowed one question, you know.” She groans. “Now it’s my turn. How about you, George?”

  “I’ll take Dare,” he says.

  “Okay. I dare you to take Mina back behind the waterfall and kiss her.” Say what? I do a double take. This was definitely not in the plan. What’s he doing fobbing me off on someone else? Is this to throw me off the trail or what? Is he just testing me to see what I’ll do?

  Serena kicks me and I snap out of it and follow George over to the waterfall. You can’t back out of a dare, even if it was someone else’s.

  George is waiting for me under there, sitting on a ledge. It’s just as private and cozy as I imagined it would be. I pull myself up next to him.

  “So … ” I say, at a complete loss. I’m just not mentally prepared for this.

  “We don’t have to kiss, if you don’t want to,” he says. “I don’t think they can see back here anyway.” I look through the waterfall and see that he’s right. I can only sort of make out their shapes in the hot tub through the water.

  “No, that’s okay. A dare is a dare. You don’t have cooties or anything, do you?”

  He laughs. “Not since I was five.” Then he leans over fast, like he wants to just get it over with, but time slows down as soon as his lips touch mine. His kiss is soft and gentle like a butterfly fluttering against my lips. He tastes like strawberries (from the daiquiri, I guess). He finally pulls back until I can’t even see his face. He clears his throat and then just hops in the water without saying a word and swims back to the hot tub.

  Wow. George is a good kisser.

  I sit there for just a second and then splash on over, hoping my face isn’t blazing red. George looks perfectly calm, but he doesn’t quite look me in the eye when I get back in.

  “So, your turn, George,” says Nathan.

  I’d be the obvious next choice, but George says, “Why don’t we play secrets and lies instead?”

  “How do you play?”

  “You have to tell a secret and then everyone guesses whether you told the truth or not.”

  “But how do we know if you really told the truth or not?” asks Serena, ever the practical one.

  George just smiles and shrugs. “That’s part of the fun.”

  “Ok,” says Serena. “I’m game.” Nathan and I agree. I’m a little relieved, actually. I’m not sure where the Truth or Dare game was going, but it sure wasn’t where I’d expected.

  “My secret is, I’m scared of making the wrong choice after high school and winding up alone forever.” He looks at me now and gives me a little half-smile. I know he’s not lying and when he says forever, he really means it. In fact, I know exactly what he means. At least my parents had each other. But how do I know if I’ll find someone? What if I turn and wind up alone forever, sucking blood all by myself?

  “Lie!” shouts Serena. “You know you’re too nice a guy to end up that way.”

  “Lie,” says Nathan. “You seem too together for that.”

  I debate about whether to say truth or not and decide to go along with the crowd, but still let George know I understand. “Lie,” I say. “Because I know you won’t make the wrong choice.”

  “Got me,” he says and this time I know he’s lying.

  We take turns and learn a few things about one another:

  a) Nathan hates cows and has ever since one stepped on him when he visited a farm on a school field trip. He once cheated on a test that he didn’t prepare for.

  b) Serena would like her sister to be kidnapped by wild dogs (I knew that). And she thinks emo is so over. Yet again more proof she’s no Goth Girl.

  c) George had a crush on his fifth-grade teacher and sent her anonymous love notes. And he once snuck into a movie theater to see an R-rated film, but wound up walking into the wrong theater and seeing a boring subtitled movie.

  I don’t give up too much on myself, just that I secretly wanted to be a ballerina until I actually tried on toe shoes and they pinched too much and that I’m afraid to dye my hair (what if it doesn’t grow out right or it comes out purple or something?). We don’t go back into real serious territory again.

>   It’s kind of nice to know that George is freaked about his decision too. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one. Lorelai is so gung ho (maybe it’s a cheerleader thing, I don’t know) and Raven, sheesh, she seems like she’s been in training since she was five. Even Linda is committed.

  Nathan walks us all out to the car and gives Serena and me a hug and George a healthy pounding on the back. “It’s been fun hanging tonight,” he says. “We’ll have to do it again sometime.”

  Serena drops George off first and then heads on over to my house. “Too bad we didn’t play Truth or Dare a little longer,” she says as I get out of the car. “Who knows what could have happened.”

  “Yeah,” I say and tell her goodnight. At least she doesn’t seem mad about me kissing George. Yeesh. I can’t believe I kissed George.

  I can’t believe how much I liked it either.

  17

  Considering what time I went to sleep, I wake up amazingly early: 11 a.m. I brush my teeth and get a quick shower and then call Uncle Mortie to remind him of his sponsor duties, since I sort of invited George and Aubrey. Well, George anyway. Aubrey kind of invited himself.

  He answers on the fourth ring with a “Yo!” I don’t know what decade he thinks he’s in, but it sure isn’t this one.

  “Hiya, Uncle Mortie. Just thought I’d check in with my favorite sponsor. See if you had anything planned for this weekend.”

  “Sure, kiddo,” he says. “Didn’t you get my note?” Yeah, like he really left a note. “I’ll be there to pick you up in, oh, an hour or two.”

  Hopefully George is awake already, but it may not matter, since “an hour or two” to Uncle Mortie might add up to three or four.

  “Would it be okay if a couple of my friends tag along?”

  “From the vampire sessions?”

  “Yep. Aubrey and George. You met Aubrey the other night at dinner.” I cross my fingers. I don’t think he was all that impressed with Aubrey when he met him.

  “Ah,” he says. “I suppose it would be okay.”

  “Great! You’ll like George. He’s got a great personality and an awesome sense of humor.”

  “Oh, so he must be the ugly one.”

  “What? No, he’s not ugly. He’s a normal-looking guy. He just really does have a great personality. Really.”

  “Uh-huh,” says Uncle Mortie. “So he’s not like that Aubrey character?”

  Yeah, I knew he didn’t get a good vibe from Aubrey. Well, I’m not so much anymore either, so I guess that’s fair. “No, I think you’ll like George.”

  “Ok,” says Uncle Mortie. “But I’m not feeding them. Tell ’em to meet us at the Thistledown Café on the corner of Market and Eleventh Street. How about at three?” Heh. Yeah, I thought that “in an hour” thing was a little optimistic.

  After I hang up with Uncle Un-hospitable, I ring Aubrey and George and give them the warning. George is miraculously awake and doing his laundry, but he said it could wait, he still had some clean underwear. I don’t know how he does it all alone. Paying bills, making his own dinner, all of that. I give a silent thanks to Mom and Dad.

  Uncle Mortie shows up reasonably close to on time and honks the horn until I climb in to the banana-mobile.

  “Okay, Uncle Mortie,” I say as soon as I get in, “It’s pop quiz time.”

  “Alrighty, go ahead and shoot, kiddo” he replies and cracks his knuckles and his neck like they do in movies right before they go into fight. I totally want to learn how to do that. I can only manage a pitiful little snap. Maybe Uncle Mortie will teach me the trick someday.

  “Number one: Why can’t I just refuse to decide right now? What could The Council do anyway? Number two: What do they do to people who decide not to turn after they’ve been through all the sessions and everything? Number three: Who or what are the Black Talons? Number four: What’s the real scoop on when you got turned? Number five: Do you know who Elizabeth Bathory was?” I think that’s it. Somehow I get the feeling that I’ve missed one, but heck if I can remember what it is now.

  “Geez, kiddo, that’s enough. I’ll start with the easy one. Elizabeth Bathory was a Romanian Countess. She liked to bathe in blood and killed hundreds of young chambermaids to get it.”

  I cannot believe he knew that. Oh man, I am going to have to remember this crap.

  He must have seen the look on my face because he puts the car back in park and pats me on the arm. “Don’t worry, nobody quizzes you on that stuff or anything. I only know it because that Riley woman gave me a way-too-detailed overview of the stuff you missed in the first sessions. I was supposed to clue you in on it, but I don’t really see the use.”

  “Like Chemistry,” I say. “I’m never going to use that in real life.”

  “You’d be surprised,” he says cryptically and puts the car into drive and takes off, nearly running over Mrs. Finch. Good for him. She was probably just trying to get close enough to spy on us anyway.

  “I’ll tell you about my turning once we get back tonight. I need to not be driving for that one. Just remind me after we’re alone again. As for the Black Talons … where did you hear about them, anyway?”

  “This girl in Thursday’s session. She wanted to kick my ass and threatened to sic the Black Talons on me.”

  “Oh, really,” says Uncle Mortie. “We’ll have to do something about that. Did you take her down?” Uncle Mortie knows I can kick some booty when I want to, unlike Dad, who would like to believe that I’m forever his little princess and wouldn’t hurt a fly.

  “I was going to, but Ms. Riley came in about then and broke it up.”

  “Well, the Black Talons are a small fringe faction among vampires. Pretty evil-minded, actually. They believe that vampires should rule the earth and that murdering humans left and right is perfectly acceptable. Do you think this girl really knows any of them?”

  “I don’t know for sure. She’s a total wannabe, but I guess she could.”

  “I’ll talk to Riley then.” Uncle Mortie frowns. “And try not to kick the girl’s ass for a while, just in case she really does have an in with them. They aren’t exactly reasonable.”

  That’s one of the things I like about Uncle Mortie. He doesn’t tell me not to kick her ass, just to try not to. And he fully knows I could do it.

  “As for ignoring The Council … don’t even think about it. When they mean business, they mean business. I don’t agree with them all the time, but you’ve got to follow along.”

  “Or what?”

  “Or else.”

  “No, seriously, like what could they even do?”

  Uncle Mortie actually pulls the car over and stops. He turns and looks me deep in the eyes. “The Council has a lot of power. They could make it very, very hard on your parents. And on you.”

  “Hard like what?”

  “You’re a stubborn kid,” he says. “Like getting your parents fired from their jobs. Like making sure the IRS reviews their taxes every year. Or worse.” He pulls back on the road again. “They’ve already fined your parents for having you in the house. So don’t even think about not choosing.”

  “They’ve fined them? How much?” Uncle Mortie just looks at me. He probably wasn’t even supposed to tell me that. “Alright, alright. I don’t like it though.” Blech. I guess I really have no choice. I don’t want to be responsible for Dad losing his job or anything like that. That’s just wrong they can push us around like that.

  “I don’t like it either, but that’s just the way it is.”

  “Well, so what do they do to you if you decide not to turn after you’ve heard all the secrets?”

  “They kill you.”

  “Say what??” My jaw drops somewhere near the vicinity of my ankles.

  “Just kidding. You’ve heard about the Vampire Corps, right?”

  “Yeah. Some insane woman came in and gave us the drill.” I give Uncle Mortie a good smack on the arm for teasing me.

  “Well, they have a special task force.”

  “T
hat does what, follows you around to make sure you don’t spill the beans?” That would suck. Like the vampire secret service or something.

  Uncle Mortie chuckles. “No, they just erase your memories.”

  “They can do that? What, like all of them??”

  “No, no, they try to just get the ones that deal with vampire stuff.”

  They “try” huh? That doesn’t sound too good to me. What if they “try” and accidentally erase like all the memories of your birthday parties or something. Or everything you need to know to pass your Chemistry final?

  “Yeah, but what would they do to me? I’ve known about the whole vampire thing since almost forever.” It’s not like they could just erase my whole memory of my family. Right?

  “Well, they don’t know how long you’ve known, but I’m not sure what would actually happen once the Corps got involved. But I can guarantee it probably wouldn’t be pleasant,” says Uncle Mortie.

  Hmmm. I don’t like the sound of that at all, not one bit. Maybe they would just erase everything. If they aren’t above getting someone fired or, you know, some “safe” bloodletting, who’s to say they’d mind leaving me brain dead? Or worse.

  We pull up at the café and George and Aubrey are already there, sitting on opposite sides of the place. Not like I expected them to be buddy-buddy, but I have to smile at the obvious testosterone-ness of it all.

  I wave them over, and we take a table in the corner. Uncle Mortie treats us all to a café au lait. I knew he’d come through in the end.

  “So, where’re we going?” I forgot to ask him earlier. “What’s the next stop on the vampire train of knowledge?”

  “I’m taking you all to meet Harriet Melman.”

  That name sounds vaguely familiar, and I’m about to ask who the heck that is when both Aubrey and George go into some kind of weird fit, waving their hands around like crazy people and practically hyperventilating. What, is she some kind of porn star or something?

  “I knew it,” Aubrey exclaims. “I knew she had to be a real vampire!” Uncle Mortie and I shush him. Luckily there are only a few people in the café, and they look spaced out on espresso.