Dirty Secrets

by Lush, Tamara

  Since Leo's reappearance on Palmira, he hadn't mentioned his mom, and I hadn't brought up the subject. But I remembered when we were teens Leo told me all about his mother's death as we sat on the sand, watching the sunset together. He'd been only five when his mom had died. I hadn't known what to say, so I'd grabbed his hand and squeezed. That was the first day we met, the first time we'd held hands.

  I read on farther in the journals, and was astonished to find pages and pages of Mom's recollections of her relationship with Adam. I'd had no idea Mom and Adam had been so in love. How she'd hung out with him at the bakery, how they had traveled to music festivals together, and how they'd made love under the stars as they camped one summer.

  Those entries I skimmed, embarrassed I was just now finding out about this part of my mother's life. Adam had been ten years older than Mom, it turned out.

  According to what I could glean, Mom and Adam were poised to marry shortly after she graduated from college. But Adam had been unfaithful, and Mom was unable to forgive or forget. She'd moved back to Palmira, settled at the hotel, and met Brendan soon after at a beach bar. I flipped back and forth between the journals and years, trying to piece Mom's life together.

  I guess I love Brendan. But not like my feelings for Adam. I'll never feel that way again for any man. But now that I'm pregnant with Brendan's baby, we're going to do the right thing and marry. The baby's a girl, and he wants to name her Nicole. I just wish Brendan wouldn't drink so much...

  The journals raised so many questions. There seemed to be big gaps in certain years. Had Mom ever gotten over Adam's betrayal? What had she felt when my father had run off? Where was her father?

  My head spinning, I set my wine and the journal on the coffee table and laid down on the sofa, staring at the ceiling.

  One of the worst parts about losing someone you love was when you had questions for them, they would forever go unanswered.

  Chapter 28

  Cinnamon Kisses

  JESSICA

  I awoke with a surge of fear to the sound of footsteps and banging. I sat up with a start, sending Mom's journal tumbling to the floor. Looking around, nothing seemed out of place. The front door was closed. The lights in the living room were still on, and yet, someone was moving around in the kitchen.

  Was that the squeak of the oven door? My apartment shared the kitchen of the hotel, but a locked door separated my living room from the communal cooking area. Guests often stored drinks in the kitchen's second fridge, but they normally didn't poke around at night.

  I squinted at my smartphone. It was ten-thirty. I took a long inhale, and my stomach rumbled when I smelled cinnamon.

  I rose to unlock the door. Maybe a guest couldn't find something and needed assistance, or maybe I could offer someone a cup of herbal tea. One of the guests from London had mentioned she suffered from insomnia. Maybe it was her.

  I gasped as I burst into the kitchen and saw Leo slipping a tray into the oven. Suddenly, it seemed obvious he'd be the one moving around in here.

  "Oh! You startled me." I pressed a hand to my chest.

  He straightened. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to wake you."

  I licked my lips. The smell of his baking made me hungry.

  "Cinnamon?"

  Leo nodded and pushed another tray into the oven. "Muffins. I'm making two batches."

  A zing went through me. There were worse things than waking up to warm muffins and a hot guy in my kitchen.

  "Do you want something? Maybe hot chocolate?" he asked.

  I swept past him, rubbing my tired eyes, shaking my head. "No. I was thinking maybe water."

  Leo leaned against the counter, folding his arms, grinning, and his hungry, searching eyes made me wonder if he wanted more than a late-night snack. Was he thinking, like me, of earlier in the day in the ocean?

  Those forearms of his were so muscular, accentuated by his tan skin and that short-sleeved black T-shirt. Never had I imagined I'd want to stare at a man's forearms, but my fingers lost the grip on the fridge door as I did a double take.

  I covered by talking fast. "I guess I was exhausted, because I fell asleep on the sofa. That's why I heard you. I don't normally sleep there."

  Leo's eyebrow quirked upward. "You okay?"

  "Yeah. I'm fine. It's just kind of strange because..." my voice trailed off.

  "Because?"

  "I found Mom's journals the other day. I've been reading them off and on when I get spare moments. It's wild. It's as if she's speaking to me."

  "That must be a good feeling, right?"

  "It is. Oh, and you know what I read tonight? Your dad and my mom dated. I had no idea. My mom wrote pages and pages about it. How they met when she was in college. Fell in love. Did you know that?"

  Leo cleared his throat and rubbed his neck. "Yeah, I guess I vaguely remember my dad telling me something about that."

  I extracted a pitcher from the fridge. "Water?"

  He shook his head.

  "I wonder what happened between them that vacation. I was so into…well, you, I didn't pay attention."

  He laughed. "Yeah, it was hard to think about anything else than what we were doing."

  I fidgeted with the water pitcher handle as we gazed at each other.

  "Hey, thanks for making room for me here. I tried to find other accommodations, but they were all booked because of Winterfest. I wanted to be close by so I could continue work on the bakery—"

  I interrupted, taking a glass from a cabinet. "I'm glad you're here. I actually was hoping you'd be around anyway. Nicole and Grace are coming over for dinner Saturday. Catalina, too. Nicole and I try to eat together once a week. Dunno why, when she's so annoying and wants to get rid of the hotel."

  "I'll definitely be there." He glanced at me. "So, how is business? I mean, since your mom passed. I can't imagine this hotel being owned by anyone but your family."

  I paused, loving that he was taking an interest in me—something Jacob had rarely done. It was surprising we hadn't discussed this in the past four days, but I suppose there had been other things to discuss. "Not bad, I guess. We've been full or close to full on lots of weeks."

  "You're doing an excellent job," Leo said. "I heard some of the guests raving about this place. They love you in particular. For what that's worth."

  "Thanks. I feel like if I stay, I can make it into something bigger. I have plans for yoga retreats and cooking weekends, different events to draw younger people. But my sister doesn't seem to want to listen. She just wants to sell. She just..."

  Leo eyed me. "Family can be difficult, that's for sure."

  I nodded. He understood. And maybe he was right. My sister was trying to honor Mom in a different but valid way. "We're supposed to get the appraisal done soon. You know, how you overheard what my sister set up? I'm planning on talking to her about it after Valentine's Day. Is it cowardly if I'm not sure I want to leave?"

  "No," Leo said. "If something's in your heart, you have to fight for it."

  That was an interesting way of looking at it. I wondered what exactly Leo would fight for.

  He reached out and swept a lock of hair from my face. My stomach clenched. I couldn't help but remember how he'd bailed on me all those years ago. I busied myself by putting the pitcher back in the fridge.

  "Sorry about your asbestos," I said. "That happens a lot with these old buildings."

  Leo shrugged. "It's not the end of the world. It doesn't really affect the bakery much. It's only the upstairs that has asbestos in the walls. The bakery had been previously remodeled, so that's why it was problem-free. I'm hoping to still open on time, and it's a lot easier to coordinate everything from here instead of a hotel on the mainland, seeing as all the local ones are booked. It's a lot more comfortable here too."

  He grinned, and my stomach flip-flopped. Did he want me as much as I wanted him?

  I thought so, but I'd always allowed myself to be led, always gone along with whatever the stronger people in my life want
ed, like my mother and sister. I'd always catered to everyone else's desires and never my own, except maybe that time five years ago with Leo.

  But we'd both wanted that and reached the decision together. Maybe now...well, maybe it was time to take a stand and really put some effort into what I wanted and desired. Assuming we both wanted it.

  "Leo?"

  He tilted his head. "Yes?"

  "I know we...earlier you and I..." I found it difficult to say out loud. It was really hard to voice what I wanted. I couldn't handle rejection. Especially not from Leo.

  He grinned again and eyed me expectantly. "We...?"

  "We kissed. And I pretty much begged you to touch me in the water today." I exhaled, my body tingling. "But with you staying here, we're going to be around each other a lot, so I wanted to make it clear that…um, you don't have to do anything you don't want."

  "Like?" His voice was a slow growl. "What should I not want?"

  "You know. More than a kiss. I don't want you to think anything else has to happen while you're staying here." I swallowed hard. "We can be friends if that's all you want."

  Was it wrong to say this again, to remind him he should only kiss me from pure desire? Why wasn't he answering? Old insecurities raged, worse because I could now potentially spend the night with Leo. Or thought I could. Was I trying to push him away before my body did?

  "So...um, don't hesitate to do whatever you want while you're here. With whomever. Don't let me—"

  My words were interrupted by Leo taking two steps forward. With feather-light fingers, he cupped my jaw and neck as if I were fragile and shook his head.

  "You really don't get it, do you?" he said softly. "I don't want to go out with anyone else. I don't want to be with any other woman on this island or anyone else in Florida. Or anyone else in the world."

  Heart thundering in my chest, I looked up at him, and he smoothed back my hair. "Why would I want anyone else when you're here?"

  My gaze drifted to his full bottom lip. "I...I just wondered if maybe our connection was a teenage crush. One that went away. One that sparked again when we saw each other but could vanish in a heartbeat."

  "Do you think that's all it was?" he murmured.

  "No." I could only muster a whisper as I tilted my head toward his, wanting his lips. His fingers worked into my hair, and the tingle in my body intensified. Spread downward.

  "Neither do I."

  He bent to kiss me, but at that moment, the oven's timer let out five chirps. I jumped out of Leo's arms, and he went to collect his muffins.

  "Almost ready. They just need to cool down," Leo said, setting the muffin tins on the range.

  The mood ruined, I tried to catch my breath. They needed to cool down? I turned away and faced the counter, shaking. Started straightening some errant napkins. I folded a napkin into a little pyramid.

  He turned and stood behind me as I continued folding napkins, and I thought I would melt when I felt his lips press against the back of my head and his hands slide down my arms.

  I was wearing another of my oversized T-shirts, but he found the bare skin of my stomach underneath. Electricity surged through me when he swept my hair off my neck and bent to kiss the sensitive skin near the edge of my jaw. With his lips parted slightly, he ran his mouth over the edge of my ear.

  God, I'd never felt anything so erotic.

  He continued trailing his mouth over my ear as his fingers skimmed the undersides of my breasts. My nipples tightened and poked through my T-shirt, then tingled when his thumbs reached them, circling and pinching, circling and pinching.

  Wait, no. This was even more erotic than his soft lips near my ear. Everything he did made me want him more.

  I spun around and looked into his gray-blue eyes. There, in the late-night silence of the kitchen, in a room that smelled like cinnamon, I'd never experienced desire like I did in that moment. It was so overwhelming in its headiness, I allowed my eyelids to flutter shut.

  "Doesn't this feel real?" he murmured, almost as if to himself. "Because it does to me. The way you fit against me, the way you gasp a little when I touch you here." His hand went under my shirt again and continued the gentle assault of my nipples. Sure enough, I groaned.

  "The way you respond to me instantly."

  Now, both hands were under my shirt, and he kissed me again. My whole body coiled with needy tension. It was as if there was an invisible thread tugging between my breasts and clitoris. I felt an insistent throbbing between my legs.

  "This feels right, Jess. You felt right all those years ago and still do."

  I shuddered in a breath, fighting a war inside myself. One side wanted to strip off my clothes and beg. The other told me to run into my room, lock the door, and hide—there was no way I could withstand another heartbreak.

  I raised my head to look at him. Just as I was about to move in for another kiss, I heard footsteps on the tile kitchen floor.

  "Why, hello!" chirped a woman in an English accent. It was the guest with insomnia. I stopped myself from screaming in frustration. Instead, I glanced at Leo and moved away. His hand went to his mouth, wiping the corner of his lips with his thumb. He was obviously trying not to laugh.

  "I thought I smelled something tasty," the woman said. "Do we have snacks?"

  "Uh, yes. We do. Can I also get you some tea?" I asked, silently cursing my deeply ingrained manners. I watched Leo pop the muffins out of the tin and hand one to the woman, along with a napkin.

  "Babe, I'm headed to bed," he said, leaning to kiss me on the cheek. "We'll continue this tomorrow."

  He walked out, and I maintained my fake smile as my heart sank.

  Why had he said tomorrow and not later tonight? Didn't he want to spend the night with me?

  Chapter 29

  In Her Arms

  LEO

  "Leo! Leo!"

  I shuddered awake. It had been the nightmare about the explosion, like usual, but now a woman was screaming my name? Was she hurt? Bleeding? Dying?

  Where the hell am I?

  Oh.

  In bed.

  In Jessica's hotel.

  Exhaling, I turned on the light perched on the nightstand next to the sleek, art deco style bed. I blinked several times and tried to collect myself. Had someone really been calling my name?

  I heard a knock at the door. It was insistent.

  "Leo! Are you okay? Please open up."

  Shit.

  I groaned inwardly and checked the time. It was three in the morning. I must have shouted loud enough to wake Jessica. Only a few hours ago I'd chastely kissed her goodnight in the kitchen. It was good the guest had come in. I'd been poised to take Jessica to bed. And while it was exactly what I wanted, I still wasn't prepared to tell her about my nocturnal issues. So, I'd been proud I'd mustered the willpower not to bust into her room once the clueless insomniac guest went upstairs.

  I rose to unlock the door and opened it slowly, grateful I'd worn a T-shirt and cotton boxers to sleep.

  "Oh, thank God, you're fine." She let out a breath.

  "I'm sorry. Sorry for waking you."

  "I was worried something was really wrong. You were shouting. At first, I thought someone was breaking in, but then I realized it was you. And I got concerned."

  I looked up at her, fearing my eyes screamed with fear and sadness. Or worse, weakness.

  "You're having a nightmare," she said.

  I nodded and stared at the floor, embarrassed.

  "Hey," she whispered. "It's going to be okay."

  She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around me. Hesitantly, I returned her hug, running my hands over the soft cotton of her shirt, up and down her back. She wore a matching sky-blue top and little shorts. If I weren't so drained from the nightmare, I would have had a difficult time controlling my desire for her. The little pajama outfit barely concealed her body.

  "Come on." She pulled me back toward the bed.

  "Jessica, I'm okay. I'm going back to sleep, and you
should too," I protested. I wanted her to leave, but was too tired to put up a fight. Or, no, I didn't want her to go. What I really wanted was her comfort.

  "Hush. Get back in bed."

  She cranked up the air conditioner, and a cool breeze washed across my overheated skin. Since it was so warm in the room, why hadn't I thought of that? I wasn't thinking straight. Hadn't been since...well, for a long time now. I slid between the sheets and tried not to act surprised when she climbed on the bed and sat next to me.

  "Lie on your side. Away from me. And take off your shirt. It's soaked with sweat."

  I did as she asked, and she rubbed my back. While my skin was scorching, her hand felt soothing, cool. I flopped onto my stomach, and she caressed me with long, slow strokes of her fingers.

  "Just go back to sleep," she whispered. "You're okay now. Safe."

  I felt her lean over and turn out the light, the movement bathing me in her floral, feminine scent. I rolled onto my side, anticipating she'd leave. It was only right. This was no way to sweep a woman off her feet. Who would want to deal with issues like this? She was just being nice before she made her escape.

  But she didn't leave. Instead, she slipped between the sheets and spooned me, her back to my chest. She wrapped my arm tight around her waist and snuggled close, her body soft and wonderful. For a few seconds, I held my breath, not quite believing the joy I felt at being so physically close to her. The last thing I remembered before drifting off to sleep was her contented sigh.

  I woke up several times, worried I was going to talk in my sleep and inadvertently reveal my dark secret. Fearful I would wake up screaming—or worse, that I'd get out of bed and do something stupid.

  By the time the sun came up, I'd been awake for hours, but hadn't stopped holding Jessica in my arms.

  Chapter 30

  Awake

  JESSICA

  My eyes fluttered open, then widened in panic. What time was it? Where was I? The sheets were white and crisp, not soft and flannel like mine, and the bed was smaller.