Vampires Don't Sleep Alone

by Del Howison

  Pros & Cons of Dating the Undead

  We boil at different degrees.

  —Clint Eastwood

  So you think you’re sold on dating a vampire, but what about other creatures of the night? Simply put, if you were interested in dating a human, you would not be reading this book. As far as mates go, disembodied spirits, zombies, werewolves, and humans all have their pluses and minuses.

  Disembodied spirits can be entertaining, and we have rarely met a girl who has been disappointed by a nocturnal tryst with an incubus. However, it is extremely difficult to form long-lasting relationships with incorporeal beings. Ghosts are irrevocably stuck in the violence of the moment they were killed and will spend most of their time relating the details of the incident ad nauseum. Conversations with ghosts tend to be one-sided streams of consciousness. Ghosts have no care for the future and are notoriously scatterbrained. Any semblance of domestic bliss is usually out of the question, particularly with poltergeists, and if you value your grandmother’s china, it’s best to keep these guys out of the house.

  Zombies are just plain messy, and they are only interested in one thing: brains. Realize, however, that it isn’t any big loss, as they really have nothing to offer.

  Humans? If you want to date a human, you are best served by signing up with an online dating service, though it is not uncommon to find zombies there, too.

  However, the werewolf’s curse is different. If you’re not sure that a vampire is the right monster for you, a werewolf would likely be the next place you would turn. Werebeasts tend to be extremely clannish, gravitating to their own out of a desire for safety and a loyalty to their community. They are an emotionally volatile, primal, and extremely violent species, and are noted for their pagan piety. Because of their insular nature, werebeasts rarely choose a mates without infecting them with lycanthropy. While there is a great deal of wild freedom to be found in werebeast society, it is a condition best left to nature lovers and rural types. Urban werebeasts are uncommon and often find themselves uncomfortable in polite society. As opposed to being a part of daily life, the werewolf’s curse recurs on a monthly cycle. (Hmmm… We wonder where this tale had its beginning?) The vampire, on the other hand lives with his curse every day (or should we say night?) of his existence.

  Both the curse of the werewolf and that of the vampire allow for special attributes that help offset any awkwardness of the conditions. Vampires enjoy far superior strength, agility, speed, stamina, and senses compared to normal humans, as well as the ability to heal any injuries with incredible speed. They are impervious to almost all forms of disease, expect for leprosy. Werewolves also enjoy increased strength, speed, agility, and stamina. Vampires have a heightened sense of smell, as do werewolves, who also have a heightened sense of hearing. So far, it is fairly even except for that nagging time-lag thing.

  If a werewolf catches the odor of fresh blood, or if it is the time of the blood moon, the first full moon after the harvest moon, his primal instincts become uncontrollable and he spirals into a feeding frenzy. For this hairy beast, the transformation will begin as soon as the full moon rises completely above the horizon. He doesn’t even have to look at it—it needs only to happen. His body goes through a rapid, agonizing series of changes. While transformed, he has absolutely no control over his body, and his entire existence begins to revolve around the thrill of the hunt and the desire to feed. While these points may hold their own form of attraction for you as a prospective date or mate, for most folks, they are at least minor red flags. Any creature that the werewolf bites or scratches but does not kill will carry the burden of the same curse.

  If your attraction to a werewolf can overcome the physical repercussions of his curse, the biggest problem with your wolf boy is that as soon as daylight starts popping its head above the horizon, he will revert back to his human form and have no recollection of the events that took place during his transformation. It’s very much like a drinking binge. So much for eternal love. If you find a way to overcome a werewolf’s little memory problem, you just might have a good life together.

  However, don’t be so quick to dismiss the vampire’s charms. He can enthrall humans with irresistible charisma. There is an incomparable connection when two people are bound in blood, especially if you eventually join your mate in undeath. Together, the two of you will then be entwined throughout all time. You share a real piece of each other, blood and soul.

  * * * *

  The Aequitas Foundation

  One of the first vampire attorneys to publicly declare her vampirism, Ekuwa Adutwumwaa Adofo, a Philologi, founded the Aequitas Foundation along with Sandalio Mahin Romero, a prominent werewolf tribal leader from the mountains of Aragon. The Aequitas Foundation works to educate the vampire and lycanthrope communities about the laws that are in place to protect their kinds as well as to protect human society from vampiric and lycanthrope depredations, helping to create a safe environment in which all can coexist.

  Ms. Adofo is the preeminent vampire champion of human rights and has campaigned to ensure that the penal codes of each country are expanded to include vampire and lycanthrope crimes of violence; she is particularly vigilant with regards to the savage acts perpetrated by Interfectors and Transeo. Although she also fights against hate crimes directed at vampires, her activism for human and lycanthrope rights have made her exceedingly unpopular with some facets of the vampire community. As a result, she is almost always accompanied by her bodyguards, the twin lycanthropes Atá Pánin and Ataá Kúmaa, three of her most loyal progeny (also attorneys), and her pack of Schutzhund-trained side-striped jackals.

  Part II

  How to Date a Vampire:

  The Etiquette & the Information

  How to Dress for a Vampire

  A sweet disorder in the dress Kindles in clothes a wantonness

  —Robert Herrick, “Delight in Disorder”

  In motion pictures and books, vampires are often described as what can only be called “dandies,” dressed in formal wear. In actuality, it does a vampire absolutely no good to stand out in a crowd in such a way. In fact, a vampire desires exactly the opposite. He wants the ability to blend in with humans. As with a drove of sheep, the last thing the vampire desires is to appear the wolf. Consequently, he will dress in everyday clothing best suited to the situation at hand. Those who lay claim to being vampires and dress outlandishly or in extreme Victorian or Edwardian apparel can almost assuredly be pointed out as phonies who want to take on the vampiric mystique without having the knowledge of how to actually do so. However, the same cannot be said of a vampire’s companion, who should dress to attract not only his eyes but the eyes of the crowd as well so as to take attention away from him.

  Vampires are sensualists, and physical beauty is, to most of their kind, paramount in their initial attraction to humans. This may seem shallow, but it is simply an indication of their unique psychochemistry, which leads to an almost childlike fascination with the sensual pleasure of aesthetic stimulation. A vampire’s concept of beauty is often influenced strongly by the time period, geographical location, and culture in which they lived as humans, so when dressing to charm your vampire, you’ll want to consider the type of body shape and facial features that were considered prized in their particular era and also use cosmetics, fashions, and accessories that were popular in his the vampire’s lifetime.

  You should dress with the same intentions you would in order to attract a warm-blooded human mate. Be alluring yet tasteful, and most importantly, be yourself. Do not try to be overtly sexual in your attire, either. If you dress well, your sexuality will burst through without excessively revealing garments. Instead of offering up your “goods,” as it were, with a plunging neckline or too-tight trousers, be more conservative in your attire and exhibit some dignity and grace in your presentation. Style is key, as vampires have, generally, developed extremely refined tastes over the centuries. Pique his or her interest without selling yourself cheaply. Being alluring wit
hout being overtly sexual grants you some small measure of control, and you will need all the control you can muster if this relationship is to end with something other than you losing your arterial virginity.

  When you first meet your vampire, you’ll have no idea if he likes current fashion the best, or maybe something that speaks to his memories of ancient Egypt or precolonial Zimbabwe. Once you do get to know him a little, do some digging. Many vampires, whether or not they choose to admit it, harbor a secret fondness for their homelands, and for the eras in which they lived their human lives. This innate, ingrained nostalgia is something to be aware of in both your social interactions with vampires and in something as seemingly mundane as your choices of attire when you are on the hunt. Remember: We see with our eyes before we see with our hearts.

  However, it is not necessary, or advisable, for you to fully outfit yourself in historically accurate accoutrements from eras past in order to catch a vampire’s eye. This would certainly be over the top and considered gauche, unless it was within an appropriate environment, such as a costume ball. Subtlety is key in the art of love, be it with vampires or with other humans. Many modern fashions take their cues from other times, and it is easy to cleverly incorporate a little bit of history in your mode of dress or choice of hair and make-up.

  Ungirdled tunics and draped shawls would likely appeal to a vampire of ancient Assyria, while a sleeveless, straight-waisted garçonne-style dress would catch the eye of a vampire turned in the 1920s. Platform shoes mimic chopines, and corsets, widely utilized throughout Europe and North America in the sixteenth through nineteenth centuries, are extremely popular in current fashion. Kohl-rimmed eyes may pique an Egyptian vampire’s interest, and an elaborate updo might catch the eye of a vampire from Louis XIV’s court.

  Vampires are consummate sensualists, and their condition lends to a heightened sense of touch. Bearing this in mind, you can also utilize textiles whose textures are reminiscent of fabrics from a vampire’s homeland and generation. Flowing, finely embroidered, elegantly draped silks may enchant a twelfth century Japanese H?j? Regency vampire, while bold brocades would appeal to a Byzantine vampire.

  When dressing to impress, also try to be aware of the social mores of a vampire’s era. A belle époque vampire would be delighted by a bit of exposed dé-colletage and dramatic flair, and an Egyptian Fourth Dynasty vampire would be at ease with the scantiest of outfits. A Mesopotamian vampire will generally be as sexually open as an enlightened modern vamp, while a vampire that hails from medieval Europe or colonial America may be significantly more conservative. Take this into consideration when you are debating how much skin to expose and how tight your bodice should be.

  In the midst of all this, keep one thing in mind: Don’t overdo it. We repeat—Don’t overdo it.

  Although you’ll want to dress to your vampire’s tastes, outfitting yourself as a stereotypical media-inspired vampire is often considered vulgar, as are the trappings of too-pale makeup and anything else that smacks of vampire costuming clichés. Fake fangs and stage blood? Toss them out, unless you are deliberately trying to offend potential mates or doing a badly exaggerated vampire comedy sketch. Such things mark you as prey, not as partner.

  Religious icons, specifically the crucifix, are considered to be in poor taste by most vampires, while some vampires embrace the irony of the stigma. Our advice is to skip such things altogether until you are far enough into the relationship to know better about your partner one way or the other. Onyx, garnets, and black diamonds are considered by some superstitious vampires to be boons of good fortune. It would not hurt to utilize these stones in your choices of jewelry.

  Also think well of the placement of jewelry and accessories, as it can make all the difference when considering the practical aspects of dressing to impress a vampire. If you consent to your vampire feeding on you, is it something that you would both want to flaunt, or is it something you would rather keep between yourselves? If it is the former, a well-placed jewel will draw attention to that spot you want to show off; if the latter, chokers and scarves are a tasteful choice. That is, if your neck is where he feeds from.

  However, this advice regarding physical beauty is in no way an attempt by us to urge you to be hypercritical of your physical features, nor is it a suggestion that you change yourself dramatically. There are myriad types of beauty, and a vampire’s taste, while usually heavily influenced by their cultural upbringing, is as unique as a snowflake. But just be warned: A dirty, unkempt, sloppy mess of a person will only really appeal to a Cicuta (a vampire who was physically deformed when he turned).

  A vampire’s stereotypical obsession with physical graces does not preclude his or her need for stimulation in other areas; as they say, beauty is only skin-deep. Vivacity and enthusiasm, varied intellectual pursuits, and an earthy worldliness go far in charming most vampires. A sharp and sparkling wit will lend to romantic longevity more than a mathematically flawless face or stunning figure. Your beauty may attract a vampire, but the only way you will keep his or her interest is if you have something more to offer.

  On the Prowl: Where to Find Your Future Mate

  Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster and if you gaze into the abyss the abyss gazes into you.

  —Friedrich Nietzsche

  Even though it seems incredibly logical that the best place to meet a vampire might be a crypt, it is probably the last place you would ever look for one. Vampires are as diverse as humans, and their interests range far and wide. Like most night people, vampires out and about where humans gather: clubs, entertainment events, public transportation depots, etc. In fact, it might just be easier to list all the places you aren’t likely to meet a vampire.

  It is commonly believed that vampires frequent goth clubs. This is only partially true. Many vampires are amused by the veneration their kind receive among spooky kids, while some are outright offended by it, particularly by the propensity of some clubgoers to emulate vampire stereotypes through their behavior and dress. You are taking a risk in seeking out a vampire mate in this environment, and you will certainly be competing with every other vampire-loving human in the building. In a pinch, it’s worth a shot, but most vampires of our acquaintance see goth clubs and bars more as hunting grounds than anything else. As with human dating, the bar scene is best reserved for one-night stands, as that is likely the best you can hope for. But be careful—that one night could be your last.

  Our first suggestion for finding a true vampire relationship is simple: When seeking out any mate, human, vampire, or otherwise, it’s good to start by exploring opportunities with those who share your same interests—just make sure the events you attend occur after dusk. If you are an avid reader, join nighttime book clubs. If you are the sporting type, attend evening games or participate in competitive sports that take place after sunset. If you are a patron of the arts, seek out nighttime gallery events, concerts, and theatre productions. None of these suggestions will ensure that you will find a vampire, but if you want to have common interests from the start, patience is the key.

  When looking for spots to meet your vampire, consider the likelihood that he would find a human to easily feed on there. Human food establishments, in general, should be at the bottom of your list. Odds are that you will not meet a vampire in the grocery store. For one thing, he doesn’t need groceries. He has a better pick of feeder humans at other places, and the fluorescent lights in the supermarket are particularly unflattering to vampire complexions. The same goes for most restaurants, unless they become nightclubs later in the evening, in which case you have a shot at finding a vampire there.

  Although it might seem a likely place to meet a vampire, it’s probably be a safe bet that you would not find one in a prison. Since he or she could just walk out of the cell, using their guile or their strength, a vampire probably would not stay long even if he had allowed himself to be arrested so that he could feed on an unattended prisoner. A funeral home is a bad choice, as a vampire
still needs his blood red and blooming, and some vampires find reminders of human mortality to be distasteful. Hell only knows what would happen if he were to drink from the veins of an embalmed corpse. A hospital may be a better bet, as there are comatose patients and ready blood supplies just hanging like fruit ripe for the picking.

  If you’re looking for a date on public transportation, only a train offers a real eat-and-hide opportunity. A plane is too confined and offers no real escape. Sure, vampires may be able to shift into bat form, but getting sucked (no pun intended) into a jet engine at 30,000 feet is no treat, even for them. Since vampires have the instinct to be secretive, sporting events, where the crowd is concentrating on something else may prove to be choice locations for meeting your vampire.

  In general, vampires do enjoy places where the public gathers—all vampires are not recluses. In most metropolitan cities all over the globe, community centers are opening up for vampires as places where they can discuss common political issues and social interests with one another. These community centers often hold public events and gatherings geared at promoting awareness and acceptance of Homo striga while developing a sense of kinship among these often solitary individuals. Generally, humans are welcome at most events. The passionate activism of these community centers coupled with society’s advances with regards to the rights and realities of vampirism in the general populace is making itself evident in many ways.

  Since the advent of the Internet, many online dating services geared toward vampires and those who love them have sprung up. Using personals ads was once seen as an act of desperation, but in recent years, it has become an increasingly acceptable method of meeting potential mates. You run the risk of the same dangers as with human-to-human dating services, but we have found that in reality, humans are more predatory in nature, emotionally and literally, than your average vampire, and vampires, relieved at no longer having to hide their true natures, tend to be more upfront and honest than humans when utilizing this medium. After all, the people who are looking for mates through these online services are obviously open-minded and accepting of vamps!