Vampires Don't Sleep Alone

by Del Howison

  On most vampire dating websites, the decade in which a vampire was turned is openly listed. This helps preempt many potential problems detailed elsewhere in this book, because you know ahead of time where and when your vampire hails from and whether the residual quirks they may possess from having lived in a specific time period are things you can handle. Most of these dating services also enable you to discuss ahead of time what you are looking for in a mate. Do you only want the pleasures associated with the feeding process, or are you looking for long-term love? Is the vampire seeking thralls, food, friendship, or romance? While this takes some of the mystery out of the romance, it compensates by curtailing issues with miscommunication before they begin. These websites also make it easier for vampires on a practical level, as you can list your blood type.

  There are also now human-operated bars, dance clubs, religious institutions, and retail outlets that not only openly proclaim their support of vampires but also cater to the needs of the vampire population. Many stores and service businesses in major cities now offer two sets of operating hours: standard daytime hours for humans, and late night hours for our nocturnal brothers and sisters. Some restaurants have begun catering to a vampire’s narrow dietary needs by offering fresh blood from several different types of animals. All of these events and locations make for great options for finding prospective mates.

  If all else fails, in New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Boston, New Orleans, London, and Madrid, vampire-human speed dating is all the rage. A short chat and a quick bite, and you know if you are at least superficially compatible!

  Should I Bug Renfield about an Introduction?

  Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?

  —Abraham Lincoln

  The name Renfield, in association with Bram Stoker’s Dracula or vampires in general, has come to represent a sort of generic term for “servant” or “friend who serves.” You may need an intercessor of some sort, your own Renfield, to meet the vampire of your dreams. Let us take a moment to see where the word “Renfield” comes from.

  At the beginning of Dracula, R. N. Renfield is confined to a lunatic asylum, although the reader has no idea why. But by the way he acts, the reader knows he is a certifiable loony. He is zoophagous (life-eating) and consumes bugs as a regular course of habit. After a couple attempts to escape from the asylum, he succeeds. In the book and films, although Renfield proclaims his undying devotion to “the master,” Dracula ends up killing him. Always a friend, the term “Renfield” has come to mean someone who will stand by a dark presence until the very end. In most cases, this is a vampire’s thrall.

  In dealing with the question of whether you should bug your Renfield, the devoted follower of the vampire you have your sights set on, for an introduction, there is no simple answer. The relationship between a vampire and his thralls, or attendants, can be a murky one. It helps to begin by addressing the nature of the particular thrall and the essence of your vampire’s bond with all his subordinates. Thralls are under a mild (though in some cases acute) state of hypnosis. The process by which a vampire binds a thrall to him is psychochemical and leaves the subject of the procedure in a state of slightly soporific willing subjugation. The fortitude, wit, and physical strength of the thrall affect the depth of hypnosis. Some thralls retain almost all of their previous autonomy, while some unfortunate individuals have been reduced to raving lunatics by the procedure due to imbalances caused by a poor reaction to the effects of the vampire’s blood as it alters their neurochemistry.

  In any case, once a thrall has been infused with the vampire’s blood, he or she is bound, psychologically and physically, to the creature. The end result is a near-slavish devotion to the safety, protection, and well-being of the vampire. This may or may not act in your favor if you use a thrall to meet his master.

  Usually, vampires value their henchmen. They are treated like beloved pets and prizes, and sometimes, in rare cases, the vampires look fondly upon their thralls as charming children. On the other end of the spectrum, some vampires treat their thralls like slaves or fodder. In either case, it is of the utmost importance that you impress upon the thrall that you only have the vampire’s best interests at heart. Even if a vampire does not necessarily respect the opinions of their retainers, it is vital that you convince the thrall that you are not a threat to the well-being of their master, or you may find yourself in a precarious and dangerous position. If you make an unfavorable impression, you will likely be cock-blocked, at best, or at worst, attacked.

  If you find you need a thrall to get you the introduction to the vampire you so strongly desire, be very cautious, as they will pay no attention to the things that may get you in trouble since the thrall has no perception of his own safety or the safety of others. Keep your eyes open and always be on your guard. He knows the vampire better than you do, and he may just be leading you into a pen to be the next vampire meal.

  Befriend the vampire’s thralls and show them kindness. Unless you have another way to connect with the vampire of your dreams, your only entrance into the world of the undead may lie within the grasp of this nerdy servant who seems to have no life. Sometimes it is good to have friends in low places.

  No Matter What, Am I Too Young for Him?

  The dead might as well try to speak to the living as the old to the young.

  —Willa Cather

  It isn’t impossible to cultivate a relationship with a vampire, but it is challenging. One of the primary points of conflict lies in the age difference. It can be difficult enough for humans that are a generation apart to find common ground; the difficulty is compounded exponentially when the gulf is centuries wide.

  Dating a fledgling vampire also poses a set of challenges. The transformation from Homo sapiens to Homo striga can be extremely traumatic, and adjusting to the colossal physical, psychological, and social changes that accompany the transition take time. An individual that possesses a strong personality, or a great deal of wisdom, character, and verve, will usually have a smoother transformation than someone with a weak spirit. If you are a nurturing individual, you may be able to play a part in helping a young vampire adjust to his new life, but the role of caretaker is not right for everyone.

  Is the vampire of your dreams a new vampire or an elder? If he is an elder, although he may be youthful in appearance, there is really no choice here for you or him—it just won’t work. Everyone he meets is like a child in their knowledge base compared to his. You can’t compete. You can’t read the encyclopedia to catch up on centuries’ worth of information (or watch the film, for those of you waiting for that event). You can’t bluff your way through this. His only peers are other elders who, like himself, have existed for centuries. Our one bit of advice in this case is stay away. The two of you would be a deadly combination. You would no more want to date him than you would your grandfather. Even if he did not treat you like feeder cattle, your conversations would be as dull as dishwater. His priorities and needs are often dramatically different from a human’s, and sometimes this causes difficulties in seeing eye-to-eye. Finding a compatible temperament and sharing a worldview is key, no matter how many hundreds of years separate your birthdays. We would advise against relationships with elder vampires, but if you insist, use extreme caution.

  A fledgling vampire is a different story. He or she will be closer to your age, give or take a century. You need to have some sort of age or ideology equality to spark a vampire’s interest. He needs for you to be able to relate to his likes and dislikes. If a vampire was turned in 1920s America, and was the sort that loved a free and easy lifestyle, frequenting speakeasies and drinking the night away, and you are a twenty-first century party-going club kid that loves dancing and bar hopping until dawn, you will likely find yourselves very compatible.

  No matter what age vampire you date, the real trick is to find the common bond between the two of you. Dig out his interests during conversation and then exploit them for your own gain within the relati
onship. If you are the contemplative, introspective sort with a love for philosophy and witty discourse, you may find true love with a vampire from ancient Athens, while a Spartan vampire would make an excellent mate for a modern Navy SEAL. If you want to share your life with a “traditional” gentleman or lady, seek out Victorian vampires. If decadence and debauchery light your fire, you can quench your lusts with a pre-revolutionary French aristocrat or a former follower of Paculla Annia, the notorious Roman priestess who made many reforms to the Bacchanalia, expanding the range of its indulgence and including all—women and men, young and old, free men and slaves—in a monthly five-day-long celebration of the ecstasy of wine, sex, and madness. It is not difficult to find someone whose needs and desires match your own. Again, patience is integral.

  Another point to be aware of is to never, ever discuss your age or his. It will only make him more aware of your differences and start him thinking about just how temporary (at least through the eyes of his lifespan) your relationship will be. Keep the conversation away from age, and anytime you feel it slip in that direction, quickly intercede with something upbeat to distract him. Of course, you could always intervene with your main distraction—you. But you may want to save playing that trump card for the worst of times when nothing else will get his mind out of those places you do not want it to be in.

  The best advice we have is to use the same criteria you would for dating mere mortals. Even though it is easier to tell ages with humans, you have to find out whom and what exactly you are dealing with in terms of your vampire quarry and then simply use a little common sense. However, your charms may be your greatest asset and your easiest entrance into his inner circle. But even your charming ways will not excite him forever, so be sure you make good use of “pillow talk” to unzip his personality, reach inside, and pull out his personal interests.

  To Play It Safe, Should My First Date Be a Double?

  One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. The bamboozle has captured us. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back.

  —Carl Sagan

  You have met your vampire in a public place or at a social gathering, such as a club, theatre, a friend’s house, or, just by dumb luck, at the blood bank. You have spent enough time with him to feel somewhat safe in his presence. You want to go out on a date with him alone.

  ARE YOU NUTS?

  It is going to take time before you can begin to ascertain whether he is being charming and gracious because he is enamored of you, or if he is buttering you up for his feast. We aren’t speaking ill of vampires; these are cold, hard facts. After all, you’re reading this to find out how to date a vampire, and we have spent a lot of time with them. You should take all of the intelligent precautions you would in dating anyone you have just met, human or vampire.

  Some would say that it is always best to go on double dates when you first start seeing someone new. Going out in a group can soften the awkwardness of being with a new person, particularly if you are a little shy, and when your prospective mate is a vampire, a group can lend a sense of additional security. The latter is true even if your date is human; you never know if a pretty face and charming demeanor are masking sinister intentions. With vampires, you should figure it like this: If someone was a real asshole in life, then they will usually be an even bigger one after they’ve turned. If someone was a thief and smuggler in their human incarnation, then you cannot expect them to suddenly become enlightened and much more loaded with moral fiber as a vampire. Do you get it? Some vampires transcend the crimes and frailties of their mortal lives, and some rise above the brutality of their vampiric existence, but it is a rough road to travel, and it takes willing introspection and a vast reservoir of strength to be able to change for the better.

  What we are trying to encourage is the use of common sense. Unfortunately, it will be harder for you to use common sense with a vampire than with a human. You have a lot of things working against you: the vampire’s supernatural charm, his knowledge base from centuries of accumulated information, his need for blood to sustain himself, his hypnotic grace and elegance, and his ability to completely sweep you off your feet and take you off on an eternal romantic relationship. It would be very easy for you to get caught up in his psychological embrace. Stop! He is a charmer, yes, but you need to keep some distance between you and his smoldering personality. The more recently you’ve met him, the greater that distance needs to be, psychologically speaking.

  Who you will take with you on this double date is a very important choice. You need a trusted friend, a confidante, whom you can bounce ideas off. You don’t want to bring anyone who is closed-minded, and it goes without saying that you should absolutely refrain from bringing any friend who may have negative feelings about vampires. Their animosity or fear would certainly taint the date from the start, unless you bring them along as a free snack for your date.

  It is best to bring along an easygoing, sociable couple that possess a warm, passionate chemistry with one another, and it would be best if it were a couple with a strong, loving relationship. It can only help to have an example of a good interpersonal connection along with you on a first date. Keep everything as light and positive as possible. Upbeat, friendly people are naturally buoyant, and will help you through any awkward moments. You want someone not to encourage you and to be a cheerleader, but someone who has more mental distance from your vampire than you do. You need to listen to your friend, and every time you two have opposing ideas about the date, you should stop and talk them out.

  The downside of a group or double date is that it cuts down on opportunities for intimacy, both sexual and psychological, but you don’t want to invite too much intimacy, on that first date, or even the next few that follow. Remember to go slow: You may meet the vampire of your dreams, but you may also just meet a charming, bloodsucking killer who would like nothing more than to take you to a bed that you would never leave. Patience is the most valuable commodity in this case. After all, if you are working on a relationship that will last an eternity, what is a little extra time in making sure you are safe and not sorry?

  Can We Only Meet at Night?

  When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving ones self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.

  —Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

  Meeting your date at night brings with it an entire emotional and psychological stigma that may or may not be correct. Night is the great concealer. It is a place to hide, away from the sun, away from the revealing light of daytime and scrutiny. If you’re hesitant about meeting your vampire at night, could it be that you don’t want to feel you have something to hide? Or is it because you have classes or a day job that make it impossible to be awake all night? We again come to one of the central dilemmas of dating a vampire: Do you adjust to him or does he adjust to you? A schedule of when both of you are going to be awake and able to be with one another is only one small hair on the entire rat of your relationship.

  As was previously discussed, the vampire’s choice to avoid sunlight is not an aesthetic one, and it is not a matter of preference: for vampires, solar radiation causes illness, injury, and in some cases, death. For this reason, vampires avoid exposure to sunlight as much as possible, and they are very scheduled beings due to their survival instincts.

  But there are some experts who believe that the entire “vampires can only go out at night” idea is a myth in itself. Scientists have been experimenting with topical sunblock that will protect a vampire from the adverse effects of sunlight, but as of this writing, none of these experiments has come to complete fruition. The rising sun does not instantaneously render a vampire comatose, so they can function normally during daylight hours as long as they stay indoors and away from sunlight, particularly the suns ultraviolet rays. Remember that even Christopher Lee’s Dracula was fine in the daylight unt
il that schmuck Van Helsing, played by Peter Cushing, tore down the curtains, letting in the sunlight.

  Many fiction authors have assumed that the vampires they write about are quite capable of existing in the daytime. Such classics as Nancy A. Collins’s Sunglasses After Dark, Nancy Baker’s A Terrible Beauty, and Chelsea Quinn Yarbro’s Count Saint Germaine series make no bones about their heroes walking around in the daylight, although they usually have some minor protections, such as sunblock and dark glasses. The general consensus seems to be that the vampire’s powers are considerably diminished during the daylight hours. They fall into a trance or coma but can be easily awakened if they are disturbed. Even though they are weakened in this state, they are still stronger and more powerful than a normal human. This should serve as a warning to all ill-educated vampire hunters.

  It has been said, however, that some of the older and more powerful vampires do not need this daytime coma. If you are dating one of these, you may be able to meet discreetly during daylight hours. But your vampire will always be much more comfortable venturing forth from the sanctuary of his or her lair in the evening, and you shouldn’t expect a vampire to meet with you, even in the safety of a secure building, during daytime hours until you have established a very strong bond of trust.

  Dining Out: Is It a Date Option?

  What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.