Defiled

by A. M. Rivera

  “If you would do one little bump of coke it would wake you right up but I guess that would be a no for you.” He says and I shake my fuzzy head no! It is all too much with my foggy brain so I keep my eyes closed and fall back into a peaceful sleep where I don’t have to think at all.

  The next time I stir and start to wake up, I am wrapped in Nikolai’s arms and he is snoring softly. Though the room is mostly darkened I can tell it is at least mid-morning by what little light is streaming in to the room. This is the first time I have seen him actually sleep. I feel like I am both dying of thirst and in need of the bathroom at the same time. So I slip out of bed as easy as possible and sit a minute and drink the bottle of water to get my balance back before standing. Nikolai remains sleeping soundly.

  In the bathroom I begin to splash my face with water and change my mind deciding to take a full shower. I let the hot water stream over me for a few minutes and try to wash away my drug fueled sleep. After a few minutes I really start to feel normal again. Reaching out for the hotel shampoo, Niko opens the shower door and enters in all his naked beauty. He intercepts the shampoo and steps under the spray to wet himself. He gets behind me and starts to shampoo my hair. Wonderful. Sexy. Unforgettable. I can only soap myself since he is standing behind me but I want to wash him. He turns me around and puts me under the water to rinse my hair and while I do, he washes his own. Then, just like it says on the bottle, we repeat the whole thing. I apply my own conditioner and we wash each other and kiss and caress until we are both panting. He drops to his knees with the water running down his back and puts his mouth to my core. I don’t think I will be able to come standing like this but I was wrong. My legs give out when I come with a scream and he is literally holding me up. He stands up and lifts me to him. He enters me and instructs me to wrap my legs around his waist. I immediately feel myself starting to build into another climax and he is grunting into each thrust and tells me to wait for him. “Don’t come yet!” Followed almost immediately with “Now!” Come for me baby!” And I do. Thank God I do.

  Wrapped in a towel and one on my hair, we are lying in the bed again. Niko has dried himself and is rock hard again already. My hands are everywhere but he stops me from going too far.

  “Breakfast will be here any minute.” He says as he jumps up and puts on boxer briefs and nothing else. Calvin Klein models have nothing on this guy.

  He throws the bed covers over me to hide my nudity and answers the knock at our door. He lets the room service guy in and presides over him setting the table and tips him with a handful of folded bills when he sends him on his way. Nikolai walks to the table and pours our coffee and juice so I get up and start to grab my clothes to get dressed when he stops me saying “Come try to eat something before it gets cold. Keep the towel on. It will save you from getting undressed again in a few minutes.” I sit at the table with its fine china and white linen in a towel with my hair wrapped turban style and feel sick at the thought of eating anything. “Juice, coffee, and a piece of toast or fruit. You have to eat something. Believe me it will help you.” He says. I sip at my juice and it is cold and refreshing so not so bad.

  “I don’t ever care so I don’t ask questions because the answers mean nothing to me you understand, but I am curious about you.” He begins. “You are too old to have been a virgin. It is unheard of. How is it possible? You made it thru high school and now in college. You were in a bar the night I took you. It doesn’t make sense to me.” And he says this with suspicious anger.

  ‘Sorry, I didn’t deliberately “trick” you! My life has not been normal. The schools I have gone to, the friends I was allowed to hang out with. It’s all been very, very controlled. I never had a say in things. I just behaved as it was expected of me.” I explain.

  “Poor little rich girl huh?” he sneers. All the time eating as if my words have no effect. Like he said, he doesn’t feel anything. He doesn’t care.

  Taking my juice with me I walk to the sofa and click on the TV to avoid him and his meanness. The news channel is fine with me and I half pay attention.

  I guess he has polished off all of the food as he scoots back from the table and lights a cigarette. I’m sure there is no smoking allowed in this hotel. He sips his coffee and continues to ignore me.

  “I’ve never seen you smoke before.” I say.

  No answer. I am staring at the news but I see him in the corner of my eye using his napkin and getting up. He puts out the half smoked cigarette and comes to the sofa and sits down beside me. I think he is trying to intimidate me, but I am not rising to the bait. How can sex be so good between two people that hate each other so much?

  A news story comes up about San Francisco and I turn the volume up a little and pay attention.

  Beside me, Nikolai tenses up. Three men brutally murdered last night …at the shipping yards… Left in shipping containers from overseas… most likely mob related retaliation of some kind. Etc.

  And I know without hearing any other details. This is what brought us to San Francisco. This is why we are here. This is why I was drugged all night. Nikolai did this.

  He reaches out and takes the remote from my fingers and turns off the television. I meet his eyes that are, of course, almost black with anger, and I say softly “You did this Nikolai?”

  He inhales deeply and asks “Do you really want me to answer that?”

  I think for a minute and I realize I don’t want him to be honest. I don’t want to know. He is a horrible monster. The worst kind. And he owns me. Not just my body, but all of me. I don’t want to face the truth of what he is or what that makes me want to give myself to him the way I do. I am a monster too. So I shake my head and he takes me in his arms. He removes my towel and puts it beside him as he caresses my body a little too roughly. No kissing, just caressing and squeezing my breasts, my throat, and my waist. He is eating me alive with his dark gray eyes. This isn’t seduction

  This is staking ownership. He realizes I am a monster just like him. I am his monster. His creation.

  After a few minutes of this he leaves me to go over to his little bag and pulls out the foil packs of condoms. He slides off his boxers and wraps the condom on. Before he sits back down on the sofa he places the towel down under him and lifts me to straddle him. I slide down onto his erection and impale myself deeper than he has ever been before. I lean in to kiss him and he pulls me away by my still damp hair. No kissing. Fine.

  Once I start sliding up and down on him without his guidance, he is rubbing my little bundle of Nerves with his thumb while holding my throat with his other hand. He begins lifting his hips and thrusting into me harder as I throw my head back and fight my way thru to my orgasm. I let out a scream again and he moans saying he loves to hear me when I come. It is rough and raw sex. No love, no gentleness. We are fucking.

  He pulls me so I am lying down on the towel and he is on top of me slamming in as far as he can get. His hands are squeezing and pinching my breasts and his mouth finally goes to my neck where he sucks and nips at me. Biting not kissing but it is something and I love it. With what can only be described as a roar, he comes saying “fuck” over and over.

  Still no kissing, he pulls out of me and goes into the bathroom.

  I raise up awkwardly on the sofa and grab my brush to try and salvage my now almost dry tangled hair. Returning, Nikolai says we will leave within the half hour and begins dressing himself. I am surprised to see he has put on dark jeans and a black tee shirt. I have never seen him in anything but a suit. The gun is placed firmly in the waist band at the back of his jeans.

  I decide to follow his lead and go casual with yoga pants a tee and flip flops. I dry my hair and pull it up unto a ponytail.

  When Niko sees me he almost cringes and says “My God you are so young. You look like a high school girl dressed like that. We will be lucky if I can check out of the hotel without getting arrested”

  I continue to finish my packing and ignore that. I am not sure but I think it was an insu
lt.

  As we walk out of the hotel Vlad jumps out of the car and opens the back door for us.

  Niko presses a hand to my back to lead me into the car.

  When I pass Vlad I say “Glad you are still alive Vlad.” And I feel Niko’s hand tighten on me and I know I am in trouble again.

  I try to slide over to the far side of the car but Niko has a tight grip on my arm to halt me. He leans into my ear and says “Watch yourself.”

  “Did you kill your other driver Niko?” I boldly ask him.

  His nostrils flare in anger and he looks straight ahead showing no emotion other than a lethal anger.

  I try to stare at the passing scenery out the window and ignore him.

  When we get to the airfield he roughly pulls me by my arm out of the car and frog marches me. We board the same private jet and head back to LA. I expect a silent uneventful flight like our trip here was and start to settle in when Niko says “Come over here.”

  “No. Why?” I answer.

  “Just do what I tell you to do.” He says.

  “No.”

  “Now Lauren! I can always make you. Come. Here.” He says thru his gritted teeth.

  True. So I get up and walk to his seat behind a low table and stand awkwardly.

  “Take off your pants and bend over the table Lauren.” He says quietly and calmly.

  “No Nikolai please.” And my eyes go to the front of the plane. “Not here. Not like this.” I beg. He reaches out and starts pulling down my pants and underwear in one go. I try to wiggle away and he gets them all the way down and off. Tossed aside on the floor of the plane. Oh God this is degrading.

  He holds me still by the throat with his punishing grip while tearing a condom open with his teeth. He opens his pants and pulls himself out but never lowers his jeans.

  “They won’t come back here unless they hear you scream or cry out. So shut the fuck up and bend the fuck over. Now.” He barks while moving me into the position he wants me in and getting a firmer hold on my throat. He enters me roughly and now I am crying for real. I refuse to continue begging him because he has told me how that affects him. I let the feeling of shame wash over me as I picture how vulgar this must look in my mind. He is using me because he can. He is abusing me because he gets off on this. “I should fuck you in your beautiful ass. Such a beautiful ass you have.” He says while rubbing it with his free hand and I am afraid he is going to do it, when he comes with a groan. Scooping up my discarded pants with his hand he lets go of my throat and leads me back to a small bathroom I didn’t realize was there. After disposing of the condom, he wets a cloth with warm water and washes my tear stained face again. He lowers his head and kisses me lovingly and gently.

  “This is who I am lubimaya. I cannot change.” He says trying to explain his actions I guess.

  “You’re bi-polar and I hate you.” I say.

  “Good. You should hate me. I want your hate.” He answers. He bends to help me slide on my pants and I push him away and do it myself and return to my seat. We speak not another word for the rest of the flight.

  Eighteen

  When we enter the house I head straight upstairs and Nikolai heads towards his office. I am ready for this to be over. My nerves are frayed. I want off this emotional roller coastal. Kicking off my shoes, I plan to shower the feel of him off of my skin again, when the door slams open and Niko enters carrying our luggage.

  He stands too close to me and I smell the fresh liquor on his breath as he says “I have a job. I will be back in a few hours for dinner. We will eat in tonight. Yelena is making a big effort. We can tolerate each other for these last few hours together. Be ready to eat around eight.”

  “More people need killing? This must be your busy season.” I reply tartly and turn away but he holds my arm again roughly.

  “I am growing tired of telling you to be careful what you say to me. You know nothing. You are a rich, entitled, spoiled brat that is feeling neglected and wants more attention. You know nothing.” He says while not easing up on my arm.

  “I know enough. I know you are a misogynistic, murdering, drug addict, alcoholic, criminal that should be locked away forever.”

  With that, he loosens his hold on me and leaves the room with a bang of the door.

  I unpack our things and decide to do the full shower shampoo shave program and try to feel normal. I don’t know if I can ever feel normal again.

  It’s still early evening when I return down stairs in the navy and white dress with navy heels. I don’t understand myself why I took so much time with my hair and light make up. I tell myself it is not for him. I am trying to dress for my return to my real life. My world. Where I belong. These clothes are like my uniform or my armor. I am even wearing one of the little hated cardigans. I feel aloof. I feel like this version of me is above all of the things we have done in bed. He cannot touch this version of me.

  I wander room to room noticing all of the fresh flowers everywhere and feel guilty. If Yuri new the words I threw at his boss earlier, he certainly wouldn’t be picking flowers for me. He would hate me. They all would hate me. I make my way into the kitchen and Yelena is busy cooking and when I offer my help she physically removes me from the kitchen with a hand on my shoulder smiling indulgently at me. I feel no hostility at all from her, just a kind of a motherly affection. Nowhere left to roam, I sit down outside on the pool patio and watch the sun go down. Yelena brings me a cold delicious drink. I don’t taste alcohol in it, but still sip it slowly just in case. I lounge back with my legs stretched out in front of me and my eyes closed so I can just enjoy fragrant floral filled air. So much beauty here I forget all of the ugliness that really goes on.

  I almost doze off when I hear the door open and someone approach me. Without opening my eyes, I know it is Nikolai. His clean, crisp, masculine fragrance overpowers every flower on the property. He sits beside my legs on the lounger and I hear the ice clink in his drink, but refuse to open my eyes. I am not ready yet. My heart starts racing and I feel like I cannot swallow. Remembering my words before he left, I am expecting round two of the fight to begin.

  “I know you are awake Moya. Stop hiding and open your eyes.” He coaxes with his gravelly seduction voice. When my eyes meet his I am dumbstruck with his beauty. He is wearing a pristine light blue shirt with the cuffs folded back and dark slacks. But that is not what makes him so attractive. It’s his gray eyes penetrating mine. He is all freshly showered with his still damp hair combed straight back and his permanent stubble on his jaw only adding to his beauty. I never thought I would use that word to describe a man, especially a man that lives the lifestyle Nikolai does. But he is beautiful.

  “You look very beautiful tonight. I like how restrained you are. It works. You are almost modestly dressed, but sexuality is coming off of you in waves. You are perfection baby.” He says as I try to sit up and put some space between us without making it dramatic.

  Yuri opens the door and stands there holding it for us to enter so we rise and go in. I stop to thank him for all of the beautiful flowers and see Nikolai studying our exchange.

  Yuri leads us to the dining room not the kitchen counter this time and Yelena has laid a lovely table. As he pulls my chair out, Nikolai leans into my ear and says “The savage is almost civilized sometimes.”

  “I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I am sorry for what I said earlier.” I offer.

  He surprises me by saying “I won’t argue with the things you said to me Lauren. Everything you said was true. It is good to have someone hold a mirror up once in a while. A reality check, if you will.” I smile at him and say “truce.” He nods in agreement. We eat the delicious meal while once again we find conversation easy. He asks me about my Mother and then about my experiences being raised without her. He comments that it makes a lot of sense now but I don’t take the bait. I just let his comment pass. We talk about Russia and I am surprised to learn how often he goes there. He tells me more details about his “legitimate”
businesses and I want to know why someone so financially well off with a very large steady flow of honest income would continue doing the dirty work he does with the Petrov Family.

  I keep quiet to avoid conflict when he reads my mind and offers “It’s about loyalty Lauren. Anatoly gave me my life when I would have died on the streets from hunger or worse.”

  I accept that and don’t push any further. Nikolai would be the ideal man if it wasn’t for this one enormous flaw in him. I mourn inside for what could have been and I understand I will never feel about another man the way I feel about Nikolai. I do love him and it took nothing. No dating, no gradual getting to know one another, none of those things I thought had to be checked off of a long list before you fell in love with someone. I just love him. I will marry another man someday and have his children but whoever that guy is, he will never own me the way Nikolai does. The saddest thing about all that is Nikolai doesn’t care. He doesn’t want me to love him. How screwed up I am. Once again, we have spent almost two hours over a meal when Nikolai asks if I want to go to bed or back outside for a while. I can’t stop myself from averting my eyes and blushing when I say to bed.

  Nineteen

  Taking my hand and trailing me behind him up the stairs, Niko seems very happy with my choice. As we enter the bedroom, I expect the rough, desperate, grabbing at me and my clothing I am used to from him, when he gently lowers his mouth to mine. His hands softly roaming my waist, my back, and up to my shoulders, like he is memorizing every curve. The kisses continue with me stretching up and him bending down. We are so mismatched, but so perfect together.