Not That Easy

by Radhika Sanghani

  I kept my eyes semi-shut on the overground train to Highbury & Islington, and let myself be pulled along by the crowd onto the underground. I normally spent the tube ride thinking nasty thoughts about the passengers invading my personal space, but I was too depressed today. After what I’d done last night, everyone should be thinking bitchy thoughts about me. I was a horrid person.

  I felt my eyes welling up and willed them not to leak tears. I just felt so damn guilty. Now that it had all sunk in, the whole thing felt even more sordid than it had in A&E.

  Why had I done it?! Okay, it was flattering that the hot unattainable guy I’d fancied for ages had wanted me, but he was just using me for a quick shag. I knew he had a girlfriend. How had lust trumped my morals? It wasn’t even like I’d particularly enjoyed the sex—it had just felt nice to be wanted so badly. I’d felt sexy and cool. God, what a pathetic reason to do something so awful. Blue eyeshadow lady had probably felt sexy shagging Sergio.

  Even if Yomi never found out, I’d still altered their relationship forever. And if she did find out . . . I imagined her smiling face with the expression Emma had worn when she’d seen Sergio cheating. The thought of being responsible for making someone feel like that made me want to cry all over again. I no longer felt sexy or cool—I felt filthy.

  • • •

  I’d spent the entire day reliving Sunday night. By the time five p.m. rolled around, I was the first one out of the door and now I was almost home. Every time the bus got one step closer to the house I felt sicker and sicker. I was going to have to see Ollie again. What was I going to say?

  The bus pulled up outside our place and I walked down to the house. I had to just grow up and do it. If I was going to be so stupid and sleep with my flatmate then I was going to have to face the consequences. I pushed open the door and scanned the downstairs. He wasn’t there.

  I ran upstairs and saw his bedroom door was wide open. He wasn’t home yet. Thank God. I heard a noise from Emma’s room and knocked on the door. I didn’t really want to face her either, especially as she’d been so disappointed on the phone last night, but I missed her, and right now I really needed a friend.

  “Come in.”

  I walked into her room. She was lying on her bed watching House of Cards.

  “So, what’s new?” she asked. “You slept with Will?”

  “What? No, of course not,” I cried. “I . . . Are you mad at me about the Ollie thing?”

  She sighed. “Ellie. He’s left.”

  “What?” I cried out. “What do you mean? Who?”

  “Ollie has moved out. He must have taken the day off work and moved out today. All his stuff is gone and he left us a note saying that he’s decided to move home to live with his parents in Bow for a bit.”

  I stared at her blankly. “Because . . . of me?”

  She shrugged. “I guess so. I can’t think of any other reason why he would just bail without even saying bye to any of us. I mean he’s not a complete bastard because he’s left us with his deposit to cover next month’s rent, but it does mean we have to find a new housemate. And, you know, the whole vibe of the house is fucked up.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I whispered. “I had no idea that would happen. I thought it would just be casual and . . . I don’t know, like something on an episode of Friends where they all get over it and it’s not a big deal.”

  “Life isn’t a TV episode,” snapped Emma.

  “I wasn’t . . . I mean, I know. Have you spoken to Will?”

  She let out a dry laugh. “Erm, if by ‘spoken’ you mean, ‘listened to him rant about breaking a rental contract,’ then yes I have. He’s pretty pissed too.”

  “Oh fuck,” I said quietly. “I can’t believe this. That Ollie has actually gone. I can’t believe he didn’t even say bye to me. After everything that happened.”

  “Naturally your first thought is about you, and not the fact that our whole house situation is ruined,” said Emma, as she un-paused House of Cards.

  I stared at her in surprise. This was so unlike her. She had never been angry with me before, and even when we’d spoken on the phone post-Ollie-sex, she hadn’t been as pissed off as Lara was. She’d forgiven me—she’d even quoted Gone with the Wind at me.

  “Emma, I’m really sorry,” I repeated. “I’ll find someone new to replace Ollie. I’ll sort it all out.”

  “Whatever.” She shrugged. “I’m watching this.”

  I bit my lip and walked out of the room. I wanted to call Lara, but I had a horrible feeling she was going to just repeat what Emma had said, but with a few more expletives and angry tones. I couldn’t believe that Ollie had just gone. I needed to see it for myself.

  I stood outside his room and pushed the door open. The room was bare, with just an old mattress on the bed and a wooden desk in the corner. For a second, I thought about moving my stuff into the room so that I could finally have a double room of my own, but then I remembered Emma’s face. That probably wouldn’t go down so well with her and Will.

  All of the pictures of Ollie and Yomi had been pulled off the wall, and the off-white walls were now just stained with Blu-tack marks. I stuck my head into my hands.

  This was not how I imagined everything to turn out. Why was it all getting so complicated? I pulled out my phone to call Lara, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I wished I could call my gay best friend Paul, but he was living in the Czech Republic with his boyfriend, and this emergency wasn’t worth paying £1.50 a minute for. My fingers hovered over Nick’s name. Obviously, he was just a casual sexual partner and I couldn’t talk about my feelings to him, but I could maybe arrange to see him? That might cheer me up?

  Oh fuck it. I pressed call.

  “Ellie,” he said. “Good to hear from you. How are things?”

  “Um, not bad, thanks. What about you?”

  “So how’s it going?”

  “Stressful,” I blurted out. “My flatmate has just moved out without telling us so we’re kind of in the lurch.”

  “Shit, that’s so annoying,” he said. “Do you know why he left?”

  “Nope, no idea at all,” I lied. “So weird.”

  “Well, let me know if I can help.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “If you know anyone who wants to move into a cheap double in Haggerston, then that would be a huge help.”

  “I’ll ask around,” he said, “but most of my friends are probably, erm . . .”

  “Living somewhere a lot nicer?” I finished for him.

  “Something like that,” he laughed. “Hey, it’s nice to hear from you. I think this might be the first time you’ve ever called me, you know.”

  “Really?” I said. “I guess, yeah, maybe it is. I’m not much of a phone person though.”

  “Well, there’s been a serious lack of texts from you too,” he said. “I was hoping you’d suggest meeting up soon.”

  I smiled. “I could say the same.”

  “You’ve got me there. But why don’t you come over tomorrow night? I’d love to see you. Bring a change of clothes for work the next day and you can stay over. How does that sound? We can just hang out and watch TV or something.”

  “Sure,” I said. “That would actually be really lovely.”

  “Okay, great. I’d better go make some food, but I’ll see you then.”

  “See you later,” I echoed and hung up.

  Nick had been unexpectedly nice. It was a relief considering none of my real friends were feeling particularly friendly towards me right now. Thank God I had a decent fuck buddy and not one who was going to blow me off when I really needed him.

  I walked back to my bedroom feeling better until I bumped into Will.

  “So the slut shows her face,” he growled.

  I swallowed. “Will, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for Ollie to leave.”

  “Yeah
, well, he’s gone now, isn’t he? My best friend has bailed on us, without even fucking telling me to my face, and now we’re all screwed.” I looked around to see if I could squeeze past him and head upstairs, but Will’s broad shoulders filled up the whole corridor.

  “I’m so sorry,” I said. “Please don’t hate me. I really didn’t mean to fuck everything up.”

  “I don’t care who you sleep with—I don’t care if you cheat,” he said. “But I do care if you fuck my best friend and turn him into a wanker.”

  “Maybe . . . maybe he was already a wanker?” I suggested. “And we just didn’t notice?”

  “Maybe you brought it out of him.”

  “Will, that doesn’t even make sense,” I cried out. “Can you just move so I can go up to my room?”

  “Fine, run away, Ellie, but I want you to know that I hold you directly responsible for this whole mess. Ollie loved Yomi and it’s just you on your crazy slut quest who seduced him and made this happen.”

  My mouth dropped open. “Will, it was Ollie who was coming on to me. He kept telling me he’d been thinking about me and had wanted to do it for ages. I tried to resist.”

  “Hm, well, you didn’t resist very well, did you?” he said tartly.

  I shook my head and walked past him to my room, feeling just as shit as I had before speaking to Nick. Somehow, one harmless little shag had resulted in one flatmate moving out and the other two hating me. I even hated myself for what I’d done. If it wasn’t for the fact that things at work were looking up and Nick still wanted to see me, I didn’t know what I’d do.

  My phone rang and I glanced at the screen. Lara. I let it ring and then quickly pressed the mute button. I couldn’t face a lecture from her right now. I’d rather lose myself in a Netflix marathon and pretend none of this was happening. It was either that or wallow in how much of a disaster everything was.

  29

  I sat at my desk trying to write a column. I had no idea how to write something truthful and interesting without even touching on the whole Ollie saga. So far all I had was:

  Sex can be messy. So messy that you end up in A&E.

  I deleted it and sighed loudly. I needed inspiration. I pulled out my phone and checked the WhatsApp group with Lara and Emma. There was nothing new, and I had a sneaky feeling that the two of them had been messaging privately without me. Probably about me.

  • • •

  Me: Hey, guys—it’s been ages since we hung out. Shall we do something this weekend?

  Five minutes later, there was still no response. Not even an emoji. My friends were officially ignoring me. Maybe I should try to call Lara. I grabbed my phone and wallet and asked if anyone wanted a coffee. This time Camilla looked up at me gratefully. “I could murder a latte,” she said. I nodded, waiting for her to hand over some coins, but she just mouthed “thanks” and looked back at her computer.

  I rolled my eyes and walked out of the office to Pret. I dialed Lara’s number, praying that she would pick up. It was only yesterday I’d ignored her call, so she couldn’t hate me that much if she was still trying to get in touch.

  The second she answered, I wished I hadn’t called.

  “Oh, finally, she calls,” said Lara. “Feeling brave enough to face me?”

  How did she know? “Maybe,” I said. “I guess you heard that Ollie moved out without a word, and Emma and Will are furious with me?”

  “Yeah, I heard. That’s why I called you yesterday, to see how you were feeling.”

  I felt a pang of guilt for assuming she’d been calling to yell at me. “Really? I thought you would be mad at me too.”

  “Ellie, you’re an idiot and you shouldn’t have slept with him, but obviously I’m not pissed off with you. I just think you’re a bit, I don’t know, lost at the moment.”

  I felt my skin prickle at Lara’s bluntness, but remembered that concern was highly preferable to her yelling at me. Besides, she was the only friend still talking to me. I wasn’t in a position to argue.

  “What do you mean?” I asked neutrally.

  “Just . . . everything. Are you okay, El?”

  I burst into tears. “I’m sorry, it’s just . . . everything is a massive mess, and now you’re being nice and I presumed you hated me.”

  “Breathe, babe. What’s up?”

  “I just feel sick with guilt about the whole Ollie thing. I keep having daydreams about Yomi finding out and it’s scaring me to death. I would just hate to make someone so miserable, you know?”

  “Oh, El, there’s no way she’ll find out, unless Ollie grows a conscience, which doesn’t seem likely considering you said he’s done it before.”

  “I maybe even had a daydream about telling her . . .”

  “Ellie. No. Just get that idea out of your head now.”

  “Okay, okay.” I sniffed, my tears drying up. “I wasn’t ever going to act on it, it was just a thought. But don’t worry, there’s no way I could put myself through watching her face fall like Emma’s did when we caught Sergio cheating.”

  “Poor Emma. I think this whole Ollie thing is reminding her of what it all felt like.”

  “Great, let’s add that to the list of things for me to feel guilty about.”

  “Oh stop it, you know I didn’t bring it up to try and make you feel bad. I just think maybe it would be nice if you hung out with Emma a bit, and maybe suggested a night out this weekend?”

  “Ohmigod, what has she said to you about me? You’ve discussed it, haven’t you?”

  “I refuse to get caught up in this. All I’m saying is, call her. And get back to your bloody column.”

  “Okay, and thanks for not being mad. Love you, Lar.”

  “You too, even though you’re a massive idiot.”

  I hung up feeling emotionally exhausted. Lara didn’t judge me; she was just worried about me. And if she was on my side, Emma would eventually come round too. But I still felt so stupid for following my lusty vagina without a second thought.

  Even karma was pissed at me. The fact that our encounter had ended in A&E just proved that. Hell, I deserved a latex infection after what I’d done. Poor Yomi. The only thing that was making me feel a tiny bit better was the thought of going to see Nick later.

  Weirdly, I’d started to miss him in between dates. I was ninety-nine percent sure I didn’t want him as a boyfriend, and a hundred percent sure that he didn’t want to go out with me, so it didn’t really make sense that I thought about him at least five times a day.

  Then again, he was becoming a friend. It was about time we started living up to the “buddy” part of our fuck-buddy relationship. And Nick was a nice guy—I bet he’d hang out with me in A&E without complaining if the condom got lost in me.

  But, more importantly, he was single. We could fuck to our hearts’ content without ruining anyone else’s life.

  • • •

  “Hey, Ellie,” said Nick, after he gave me a long kiss on the lips.

  “Hey, yourself. How’s it going?”

  “Pretty good thanks,” he said. “Come in, I’ve got a surprise for you.”

  Oh God. Please don’t say it was handcuffs or some kind of kinky sex. I mean, I was keen to experiment, but not yet. I’d only been a virgin six months ago, for God’s sake.

  The dining room table was set with plates, cutlery, candles and two dishes. My mouth dropped open in surprise. “Oh my God. That is so impressive!”

  He laughed. “Don’t look so shocked. I do have a couple of basic skills you know.”

  It was official. Nick was the best fuck buddy in the world. Why did no one ever explain that casual shags cook you dinner, give you sex and basically do everything that boyfriends do, without being exclusive? This was ideal. I had all the benefits without any of the commitment stress. I pulled a lid off one of the dishes.

  “Cannelloni!” I
shrieked. “That’s like my favorite dish ever. How did you know? Ohmigod, this is so nice of you, Nick.”

  He smiled and pulled me towards him for another long kiss. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him back. “I’m glad you like it,” he said. “I remembered you saying you loved Italian food. But you might want to try it before you thank me. It’s been a while since I’ve made homemade sauce.”

  “I’m so ready to try it; I’m famished,” I announced, as I sat down.

  “That’s what I want to hear,” he said, as he opened a bottle of wine. I felt a pang of guilt as I realized I probably should have brought a bottle with me—but his wine was definitely over a year old. That already beat anything I could afford.

  “Cheers,” he said, raising his glass to mine. “To meeting you that night in Drop and Pull, and to me persuading you to go home with me.”

  “To the most successful one-night stand I’ve ever had,” I added, ignoring the fact it was basically the only one-night stand I’d ever had. Unless you counted Ollie, but, with all the drama that had led to, I’d rather not.

  We clinked glasses and I dug into the food. The meal was nice, but, more than anything, it was just amazing that he’d cooked for me. I couldn’t even remember Sergio ever cooking dinner for Emma and they’d been together for ages.

  “So how has your week been?” he asked.

  “What, all two days of it?” I grinned. “Not bad, thanks. My posh work colleagues are finally acknowledging me, so that’s making life a bit better.”

  “Oh yeah? What made them finally do that?”

  I couldn’t exactly tell him that it was because of my inappropriate sexual antics. Or that the bar he’d taken me to had helped. “Um, I came in early one day. They approved of my newfound commitment to the job.”

  “Cool,” he said. “Well, uh, congratulations, I guess.”