Fearing Regret

by Barbara Speak

  Nothing short of a miracle could improve the day I was having. I had talked to Tony during my lunch hour, letting him know that tonight wouldn't work. I was going to be in the office until God knows when and then I was going straight to bed. He tried talking me into coming over to his house anyway when I was done, but I refused. Something about my own bed was calling for me. An hour before I was leaving the office, I received a text.

  Tony: I REFUSE 2 NOT SEE U TONIGHT. I WILL BE AT YOUR HOUSE REGARDLESS AND WILL NOT TAKE NO 4 AN ANSWER.

  I knew there was no point in arguing with him, he would be there anyway. His persistence aggravated the hell out of me sometimes, but I loved it just as much.

  When I finally peeled myself away from the stack of papers on my desk, I called him, but got no answer.

  "Hey, Big Man, I'm on my way home and wanted to know if you were hungry and wanted me to grab something for us. Call me back when you get this."

  I never heard from him, so I went ahead and grabbed a bucket of fried chicken. When I got home, his car was already there. Irritated that he didn't call me back, I grabbed the chicken and headed in to the house. All the lights were off and soft music was playing in the background. On the floor was a trail of yellow rose petals. I couldn't help but follow the path set for me. The closer I got to my bedroom, all of the bad from the day was fading. I opened the door and found that the path didn't lead to the bed, in fact it continued until I was in my bathroom, surrounded by candles, all in my favorite peach sent. There was no sign of Tony, but the water was already poured, with bubbles almost overflowing. I thought about turning around and looking for him, but that tub was screaming my name. He would find me eventually. I mean he's the one who set all of this up to begin with. I stripped out of my clothes and used my foot to test the water temperature. It was perfect. I let that foot sink in and brought the rest of my body in to join it, when Tony jumped out from under the water.

  "Oh my God!"

  I screamed at the top of my lungs and jumped out, grabbing the first thing I could get a hold of. I swung it back around ready to fight off whoever scared me so bad, when it registered that it was Tony.

  He was laughing at me so hard he could barely breathe.

  "You think this is funny?"

  "Are you going to blow me to death?"

  I hadn't moved. I was still in strike mode.

  "What on earth makes you think I would give you a blow job right now?"

  He continued to laugh at me and that's when I noticed what I was aiming at him, it was my blow drier.

  "No, I'm going to turn it on and electrify your ass if you ever think of scaring me like that again."

  "Oh shut up and just get in, its feels great."

  "Don't tell me to shut up, it’s not nice."

  "Are you going to stand out there and argue with me or get in and let me rub on you?"

  There was no point in arguing now, don't you agree?

  I climbed back in, this time facing the other way, coming to rest against his chest with his arms immediately wrapping around me. My head fell back against his shoulder and I let out what felt like the first breath all day.

  "Long day, baby?"

  "Uh huh."

  "I'm here to make it all better."

  We lay there for a few minutes before he leaned us forward to grab a wash cloth he had set out.

  "I'm sorry I have to move you, I know you were comfortable."

  He was right. In those couple of minutes I started to fall asleep. Just being in the water and held by him, it was all I could ever want. He plunged the washcloth into the water and then brought it up to my breasts, rubbing them to the point that I was no longer ready to sleep, let me put it that way. My back arched up as the ache between my legs became more evident. He took the hint and traveled lower with the cloth, until he rubbed exactly where I needed it the most. The more friction he got, the closer I came to climax, but I didn't want it to happen that way. I sat up, pulling my body off of his.

  "Where are you going?"

  I didn't answer with words. Instead, I turned around to face him, grabbing him in my hand and putting him where I needed him the most.

  "This was supposed to be for you tonight."

  "You did everything perfect already, let me show you my gratitude."

  As I said the last words, I sank down until I took every inch that I could.

  "Holy shit!"

  That didn't come from me. His eyes rolled practically into the back of his head as I sat up and then came down once again. The rhythm was set and the water stayed right there with me. With every movement the waves helped me along, making the pleasure grow with each pull on him. Tony's hands grabbed my hips to steady me, "Hold on baby, I don't want to come yet. Just give me a second.” I wanted him so badly that when I attempted to stop, the muscles clinched down on him harder.

  "You have got to stop that."

  "I'm not doing it on purpose. I need to feel you move in me, Tony."

  "Then you better hold on because this isn't going to last very long."

  He continued to hold my hips, but his thumb traveled to my nub as he started jack hammering into me. Water was splashing everywhere as he thrust time and time again.

  "Come on baby, go with me."

  Everything was building up and I knew it wasn't going to be long. He slammed into me so hard that I would have been bucked off had he not had such a strong hold.

  "Look at me, Kate."

  I couldn't even see straight. I started to come screaming his name when he yelled, "Look at me!"

  I looked down at him as he let go himself. We both remained locked into each other as we rode out the wave, until there was nothing left but fatigue.

  I fell onto him, completely limp. His arms came around me once more.

  "Baby, you can do that anytime you’re having a bad day if it makes you feel better. I'm here for you to use."

  We both laughed.

  "You keep doing what you're doing Big Man and we will see."

  "I can live with that."

  We lay in the same position until the water turned cold and my body started to quiver.

  "I'm freezing."

  "You're shaking babe, why didn't you say something sooner? Come on let’s get you out of here."

  "I fell asleep I think. I just noticed it or I would have."

  I stood up while Tony got out and grabbed a few towels from the linen closet.

  "Come here so I can dry you off."

  I stepped out, still shaking as he rubbed me up and down, removing every drop of water from my body.

  "You're still so cold. Come in bed with me, I will warm you up. I can't believe you're that cold. Let’s go."

  He never took a towel to himself. He just wrapped one around his waist, scooped me up into his arms and carried me to bed.

  "I can walk."

  "Don't be silly, you can't even talk without your teeth chattering. I want to take care of you, let me."

  He laid me down softly and then came in to join me.

  "Something about lying naked with you makes me never want to do anything else."

  "I grabbed fried chicken on the way home."

  "Where is it, I'm starving."

  "On the kitchen counter."

  He jumped out of bed and ran, coming back in with the whole bucket.

  "So much for never wanting anything else."

  "You and food, is that better?"

  I sat up and grabbed a chicken leg for myself. One bite and I was in heaven.

  "Totally agree..."I was cut off by my phone ringing.

  Tony got back up and said, "Let me grab it for you."

  I wasn't going to complain one bit. Food and sleep were all I wanted anyway. Well, that was before I had Tony here.

  He came back in, holding it out for me to take, "It's your brother."

  I grabbed it out of his hands and answered, "Hey Ash, what's up?"

  "You're never going to believe this."

  "Do you guys have me on Blue
tooth?"

  "Sure do, we are having twins!"

  Ash sounded so excited. I jumped out of bed, causing the bucket of chicken to go flying.

  "No way! Are you kidding around with me? It's not funny if you are."

  "No, I swear. Can you believe it, there are TWO! I'm going to blow up before they even get here. I mean how much bigger can one person get?"

  "Sadie, you are perfect don't worry about how big you are. Seriously guys this is great! I can't believe it!"

  Poor Tony was sitting there with a clueless look on his face. These are the times that it sucks that we chose to keep quiet. I was trying to listen and making a round movement over my belly, insinuating pregnancy so he would have a clue as to what we were talking about. I almost put up two fingers but decided it was Sadie's place to tell him not mine.

  "Have you told Mom and Dad yet?"

  "We called all the grandparents first. You were next in line, now we have Heather and Tony."

  "Well, make your calls but just know I'm so happy for you both and I love so much."

  "We love you, too" they said in unison.

  "Bye."

  I hung up, sat back down on the bed and laid the phone down in my lap, stunned quiet. Twins? Holy crap! That is going to be a lot of work.

  "What? You can't do that and not tell me. What is it, a boy or a girl?"

  It didn't occur to me that he would still be on that thought or more so, that I forgot to ask. What are the sexes of the now babies, plural? That was going to take some getting used to.

  "I don't know, I forgot to ask."

  "Come on! You can't do this. What did they say?"

  His phone started to ring. He dove for it as I said, "Find out for yourself."

  "Hello."

  His face went white.

  "What? No way!"

  "I can't believe there are TWO! Holy shit."

  "Well, what are they?"

  Pause

  "How lucky are you guys. I'm so excited for you."

  Pause

  "Yeah, it’s going to be a lot of work but you can do it, you're Sadie, the woman who can do anything."

  Now I was dying to know. I held my hands up in the air, trying to get him to tell me what they were but he just smiled and shook his head no.

  "I'm happy for you guys."

  Pause

  Yeah, I know. "

  Pause

  "All right, I'll talk to you soon, yes, bye."

  He hung up the phone two seconds before I jumped on his ass.

  "What are they?"

  "I can't tell you. You have to call them back."

  "No I don't. You can just tell me now."

  "I can't. How would you have found out if we weren't together. You can't say your mom told you, she will deny it. You have to call them back."

  He was smiling ear to ear, asshole.

  "Haha, I know and you don't."

  He sang that to me. Can you believe that?

  "You're a jerk."

  "One who has fallen madly for you.”

  "I will pretend to be surprised, just tell me. They're my babies, not yours."

  "How are they yours?"

  "They are my .... whatever they are. Nieces, nephews, one of each, they are mine."

  When I said one of each his face contorted.

  "There is one of each isn't there?"

  "I can't say."

  He was having too much fun irritating me.

  "You aren't going to tell me are you?"

  "Nope."

  "Congratulations, you no longer have a girlfriend willing to have sex with you."

  His body went completely stiff. Well, except for one particular area that looked more upset than Tony himself.

  "You wouldn't do that."

  "I just did."

  I hit send and heard both my brother and Sadie answer. They were laughing about something and sounded so happy.

  "Hey guys, you forgot one huge detail."

  "We did? Oh my God Ash, we didn't tell her what they are. I'm so sorry Kate, it’s a girl and a boy!"

  "No, it's a boy and a girl."

  "Ash it doesn't matter what order you say it, it's still the same thing."

  "You two crack me up. So I have a niece AND a nephew on the way, that's freaking crazy!"

  "How do you think we feel?"

  "I can only imagine. I'm not going to keep you guys, but I want to tell you how excited I am for you both and that I love you one more time."

  "Thanks Kate, we love you too."

  I hung up and looked at a smile that matched my own.

  "A boy and girl, can you believe it!"

  "It blows my mind that she is going to push two out, poor girl."

  "I hope that never happens to me."

  "You want kids?"

  "More than anything. Someday, not now."

  The look on his face had changed and I wasn't sure if it was the idea all together or just with me.

  "What about you?"

  I had to know, it could be a deal breaker if he didn’t.

  "I can't."

  "Sure you can, I won't bite, just tell me."

  "I mean I really can't, it's not that I didn't want them, I did. Hell, I expected it to be a part of life for me. A lot changed when the cancer came. The chemo killed my chance." My face lost its smile and sadness took over. "Don’t pity me please. It is what it is. I guess I just plan on adopting someday. I'm not giving up on being a father, ever."

  Not have one of my own? That thought never crossed my mind. How would I feel if this situation were reversed? Would I be okay if he said he couldn't be with me if I couldn't? Still, to never carry a baby myself?

  Tony walked across the space and sat down next to me.

  "It's a weird time to have to discuss this, but would you be open to adoption?"

  "I've never given it any thought truthfully. I always assumed I would have my own."

  "Assumptions don't always pan out, trust me. But I understand that it isn't you, it’s me. If you want a baby of your own, you should have it or them, whatever you want, you deserve that."

  I couldn't think about this right now. Too much thought was needed and I felt on the spot.

  "I guess we have nothing to worry about seeing as you are getting no more sex from me."

  His eyebrows shot up.

  "You're not serious about that, are you? Come on Kate, I couldn't tell you."

  I said nothing.

  "You found out. Don't take that away from me."

  Still quiet.

  "You know what? I don't need it anyway. I love being with you and it's not for your body. So we don't have sex anymore, I'm okay with that."

  He fell backward on the bed, laying there, naked, sexy, enticing me. Slowly, his erection grew as I stared at it salivating. He used the muscle to lift it up, as if it were waving to me, saying, "Are you sure you don't want me?"

  To answer its question, I leaned lower and lower, down until my mouth hovered over it.

  "You know, you said no more sex right?"

  "This isn't officially sex. Now it’s your turn to shut up."

  CHAPTER 17

  Another day, after the day before and the day before that had gone by and still no word from Ryan. Can you tell I have been counting? It has been three months since that awful night and I miss him more than words can explain.

  Tony and I have never been better, but that doesn't heal the wound left open over Ryan. He never came back. Kara told me he asked the guys to buy him out, but they refused. They won't let him continue paying into the practice nor will they officially take him out of it.

  No one blames me like I thought they would, but nothing has been the same since. Chris apparently convinced Reed he would never do it again, another lie being told. Chris will never be able to abstain from women; it's just how he was made. Reed accepted him back regardless. My only hope is that Chris can live up to his word.

  Kara and Chad are my rock since I lost Ryan. Whenever Tony has a case keeping him
busy, they fill right in to occupy my time, which I have had quite a lot of lately. Tony warned me when he was loaded down with work I wouldn't see much of him and he wasn't exaggerating. Over the last two weeks, I have seen him twice. As jealous as I am of his job, I understand that work is work, I just missed the hell out of him.

  Finishing up my own agenda had been a pain in the ass. Contributors are not as easy to find as they once were, so in the attempts to raise funds, I decided a gala was in order. To be honest, it was a time filler too. All donors were contacted, along with some global businesses that were showing interest. I wanted it to be on the grandest scale of events. The country club was rented and it was set to be a black tie affair. We had over two hundred attending and the number continued to climb by the day. With only three weeks left, the countdown began. My secretary was fired and my new one was a breath of fresh air. Sophie was more organized than me and that said something.

  The day wrapped up but I chose to stay behind to tie up a few loose ends. Chinese food was delivered and I was prepared to ride it out all night if need be. I had spoken to Tony earlier in the day, explaining my plans for the evening, but it made no difference seeing as how his night matched mine. Grateful to have work to keep me busy, I dove in. By the time I yawned for the sixtieth time, it was eleven o'clock and I was cutting myself off. I packed up, turned off all of the lights, locked my office and headed home to bed. Getting off the elevator was like déjà vu. There he was, in the shadows, a basket was on the floor in a sea of candles and rose petals. Tears fell from my eyes this time. How unexpected and romantic was this man? And he was all mine.

  "I'm not going to run this time."

  He stepped out, dressed in a black suit that fit him perfectly. His face, lit only by the candle light, was more gorgeous than I have ever seen him.

  "I'm glad to hear that, but I would have chased you all over again."

  "No more chase needed, Big Man. I'm all yours."

  He took his last step, ending in front of me. Both hands came up to my face and wiped away the happy tears that had fallen.

  "I missed you woman, more than you will ever know."

  "I think I already do. God, it’s so good to see you, to feel you, to know that you're really here."