Fearing Regret

by Barbara Speak

  "Why does it feel like it’s been years? One week is not forever."

  "It is when you are in love."

  "Did you just tell me you love me?"

  "No, I said..."

  "You said you love me. So before you try to take it back this time, you need to know that I'm so in love with you. More than I have ever known from life, as it was before you."

  I had been prepared to back pedal but in that moment, everything was right. We hadn't only been dating for a week like in the beginning when I knew. It has been months and no shame should come from confessing a love like we have.

  "Those are now my favorite words ever heard."

  "Would you like me say them again to you, Firecracker?"

  "Why did you have to ruin it by calling me that?"

  He pushed my hair behind my ears, opening up my face and said, "Because, my little Firecracker, you're worth the risk, you're worth it all."

  I hate the idea that he thinks I will ever hurt him, but when he puts it the way he just did, I love him all the more for it.

  "I will never hurt you."

  "Good to know, because you hold the power to destroy me."

  "Then you have trusted it in the best hands possible."

  His gorgeous lips met mine. This kiss was the slowest, most passionate kiss I have ever shared with someone. We weren't trying to dive into each other, it was more like time stood still. When he pulled back, he looked into my eyes and we both smiled.

  "It's never felt so good as to be able let those words out. I have been holding them in for so long."

  "Me too."

  He took my hand and led me over to the floor where the pillows were arranged exactly as they were the first time.

  "This is crazy. How did you remember exactly where it all was?"

  "The same way you know it’s all in the same spot. That night will be imbedded in my memory forever."

  I thought about what he said, while I looked around some more and then something came to mind.

  "What ever happened to that surveillance video?"

  He busted out laughing.

  "You suck! Why did you have to call me out?"

  "I knew it! Nice try, Big Man."

  We both were laughing now.

  "So you watched it?"

  "You bet your cute ass I have, a lot. I told you I would."

  "But without me?"

  "You want to watch it?"

  "Absolutely!"

  "We could do that, but we can also one up it."

  "That's your best idea yet."

  After we worked our asses off to ensure it was going to be the best sex tape ever, we fell flat on our backs. Tired and spent, we laid there in perfect silence. Tony pulled me into his arms and if we hadn't been in my office building, I know I would have peacefully drifted off to sleep.

  "Whatcha thinking about?"

  "Nothing. I could sleep and never wake up now that I'm in your arms."

  "I'm exhausted too but we can't afford to get caught. Come on baby, we need to clean up."

  He attempted to pull me up with him but I wasn't budging.

  "Listen here woman, I'm not cleaning all this by myself. It took me forever to set it all up."

  "I know but you need to give me a couple of more minutes. I promise I will help you."

  The next thing I knew Tony was pulling me close to him again. Nothing in the world felt better.

  "Baby, we have to get going. It’s almost four o'clock."

  I sat straight up, my eyes not yet being able to focus. Once everything became clear, I noticed the lobby looked just as it should. He had done everything for me to be able to sleep.

  "Tony, I'm so sorry."

  "It's okay, I love to watch you sleep anyway. Speaking of which, I was thinking this whole time about that. I hate that we rarely get to see each other with our schedules being what they are. Kate, I know this is going to sound crazy, but what do you think about moving in together?"

  "WHAT? Tony, we haven't even told anybody we are together yet. Hell, I have to go to my gala alone because of it. How would we explain to all of our families what we have been doing this whole time?"

  "I've thought about that too. My brother's wedding is six weeks from now, we tell them then when you come as my date."

  "Just, SURPRISE! Hey everyone, we have been together for the last six months and wanted to let you all know we now live together also?"

  "We would have to work on the wording, but yeah, something like that."

  "You're crazy!"

  "Crazy in love with you. I'm tired of hiding, Kate. I love you. I want to scream it from the rooftop, not keep it to myself like it's a secret. Can't you understand that?"

  "Are we really going to do this?"

  "We sure are. God, I love you. It feels so good to say that."

  "You don't have to stop you know."

  "I love you, I love you, I love you."

  He was pushing me down and climbing on top of me as he said those amazing three words I would never tire of hearing. By the time he stopped repeating them, our bodies were aligned and he was staring down into my eyes.

  "I am so undoubtedly in love with you, Firecracker."

  I couldn't even tell him how much I hated him calling me that. He said everything with so much emotion wrapped around it, the only thing I could respond with was, "I love you, too."

  We laid there for a few more minutes before we were forced to leave the building. Tony walked me to my car, but when I thought he was just going to say goodbye, I was surprised.

  "Move in tonight. Come home with me and never leave. Be there in my arms when I wake up and let me hold on to you every night when I fall asleep."

  "This is the hardest thing I have ever had to say no to, but we can't. I feel bad enough keeping this from everyone; I don't want to hide that too. Moving in with you should come with nothing but happiness. Please, don't ask me to do this."

  His face dropped and I knew I let him down.

  "I get it and I'm sorry I put you in that place. I guess I've never looked at it as lying to them but more like not letting their opinions persuade our own."

  "I love you, Tony Harrison. We have forever to be together. We're only talking about two months, not years. We can wait, it’s worth the wait."

  "YOU are worth it all."

  He kissed me goodbye and held my car door open for me to get in. Once I was seated, he closed it behind me. I blew him one more kiss and then I drove away with the biggest smile on my face. He said he loved me!

  CHAPTER 18

  Heather and Jason's wedding day came and nothing felt more strange knowing we were going to be in the same room, pretending to barely know each other. I had backed out several weeks ago on the idea of announcing us to everyone this way. It seemed wrong and disrespectful. Tony agreed, surprisingly, and we decided a couple more weeks wouldn’t hurt. Now I wasn't even sure why I was going, but Heather invited me, leaving me with no way out.

  Tony stayed with me the night before and could sense my nerves the second we woke up.

  "Stop acting like this is torture. It’s going to be fun. No one knows which means I can secretly kiss and make out with you when no one is looking."

  "I'm just glad my parents aren't going to be there. I don't know how you can be so comfortable knowing we have been keeping this from them."

  "My family will be preoccupied."

  "I don't like it."

  "But I love you. Don't worry woman, it will be fun. I gotta go meet up with my brothers and start getting ready, but I will see you soon. Oh, and don't wear any panties tonight."

  He was putting on his shoes while I still lay naked in bed.

  "You're a pervert."

  "Tried and true."

  He jumped back on the bed, gave me a quick kiss and then left me to start getting ready myself.

  I loved him enough to do this but was apprehensive to say the least. My brother was going to be there for God's sake and he was almost as good as my mother at
reading me.

  It was time to leave for the wedding. I checked my appearance one last time and knew I would at least have Tony drooling. My dress was a pale pink, one shoulder, fitted, knee length Vera Wang. I paired it with camel colored, strappy high heels. My toes matched the dress perfectly as well as my lips. I even pulled my hair up to emphasize the cut of the dress.

  "It as good as it's going to be."

  I said to myself just before I grabbed my purse and was out the door.

  The church was magnificent. Sitting in one of the back pews, attempting to go unnoticed, I got to take in the beauty of it all. When Sadie came through the doors, a gasp was heard. She did look gorgeous, belly and all. The dress on the other hand was atrocious. Why Heather would ever choose that shade of purple or even that cut, was beyond me. Ewww. All of my thoughts about the dress vanished when I stood for Heather to enter. She looked like a Barbie doll, perfect in every way. I glanced up to the front to see Jason waiting for her. He looked amazing as well but what stole my eye was the man standing next to him. Tony had never looked more handsome. His tuxedo fit him flawlessly, his hair was styled just the way that I love it but God, that face. It took me back to the first night I saw him, he stole my breath away then and still did. I watched as his eyes combed the room finally resting on me. When it happened, his face I instantly lit up, with a smirk added to my favorite lips finishing it off. Just looking at him up there had me day dreaming of our own wedding. Half of the people attending would also be at ours and all of them were complete strangers to me. We still had a long way to go but I knew without a doubt, we could do it together. The wedding ceremony was over before I even pulled myself from my thoughts. I hurried through the crowd trying to leave unnoticed. I had zero intentions of meeting Tony's parents for the first time in a receiving line.

  Once I was in my car again I felt I could breathe. Only a couple more weeks. Once my gala was over we could quit with this stupid secret and begin living together as a couple. The smile that spread across my face at the thought was priceless.

  The reception was more beautiful than the wedding, if you can believe that. Fabric was strung from the ceiling matching the table cloths below. I couldn't imagine the expense put into this, but it was worth it to see Heather and Jason in the forefront of the crowd, smiling ear to ear. Tony and Sadie sat at the head table as well as the third brother Mike and a girl I was unfamiliar with. I think I heard someone say her name was Megan. I took my assigned seat next to my brother and Sadie's parents, feeling awkward to say the least.

  Tony stood up to give his toast and he found me again. This time he wasn't as obvious with his smirk, but my heart melted all the same. He talked about Jason always being the softie. How he and Mike would always pick on him for being a ladies man. Heather was different and they knew it was going to last. It was a fairytale story and I loved everything he said.

  Then it was Sadie's turn. She talked about the first night Heather and Jason got together. Her nerves were getting to her like mine would be and I could tell she just wanted it to be over as soon as possible. When she finished, her hands were visibly shaking.

  Tony grabbed one of them, leading her out of her chair and on to the dance floor. It was sweet how they looked at each other. And to think, I was jealous in the beginning of what they had. Now, nothing could make me doubt Tony's love for me. We were solid and nothing felt better in the world.

  When the song ended, Tony let go of Sadie and went to talk with Mike. Ash got up from his chair and followed Sadie out into the hallway for something while I just sat back and took in the room. Everyone was having a blast. Heather and Jason were in the middle of the dance floor but I couldn't see Tony. I looked for him when, "May I have this dance?" came from behind me.

  I turned to find that the man I had been searching for had found me once again instead.

  "You may."

  “Damn, you’re sexy as hell!"

  "Stop it. Don't embarrass me please."

  "Oh Firecracker, the night has just begun."

  He led me out on the dance floor but I forced him to keep it clean. His parents were somewhere and I was sure they were watching.

  "I remember you!"

  I heard it, while Tony looked down at me concerned. Two seconds later an arm was draped over my shoulder. It was Mike and I was scared.

  "Me too, That night was interesting to say the least."

  "More than you know. Tony here never gets turned down, ever. I fell in love with you myself that night."

  "Mike, go get a drink or something."

  Apparently Tony didn't like the joke.

  "Hell no. Say, pretty girl, how did you get in here?"

  "This is Kate, Ash's sister, asshole."

  Now I knew Tony was mad.

  "Oh, shit! I'm sorry." Then he looked at Tony, "How the hell didn't I know that?"

  "The wedding you didn't make, remember."

  "Damn, I'm so sorry Kate. It's nice to meet you formally, I'm Mike."

  "It's nice to meet you."

  "You guys want to get a drink?"

  "You go ahead; I want to talk to Kate about something."

  "All right but you guys need to come over to the bar when you're done."

  He walked away and I turned back to Tony.

  "This is worse than I thought."

  "Okay I get it. We need to tell them now."

  "No we don't! I'm not going to bust in on your brother's day. I won't. Tony calm down. We only have a couple more weeks."

  "I can't handle people hitting on you especially my fucking brother, Kate."

  "How about we just spend the rest of the night apart and just meet up at my house after it’s all over?"

  "I will hate every minute of it."

  "You will be fine. It's only a couple of hours."

  I hated what I was saying too, but we had only two options and I refused the first. He looked at me and I knew he could read my thoughts. He leaned in without thinking, which caused me to pull back.

  "I want your lips so badly but we can't."

  "I'm going to tear you to shreds when this night is done."

  "I hope so."

  I winked at him and started to walk toward the bar when I heard, "I need to go to the bathroom and do something about the hard on you just gave me. Damn woman you are one mighty fine piece of..."

  I spun around seeing him standing in place. Apparently he had been watching me walk away from him.

  "Don't you finish that sentence!"

  He just laughed, adjusted himself and walked toward the restrooms. I continued to go over to the bar area where everyone was.

  "Kate, come over here. There are some people I want you to meet."

  I went to stand by Mike's side and noticed a whole group of people I didn't know staring at me.

  "Kate, this is Shawn and his girlfriend Ashley, Dave and his girlfriend Angie and finally Bryan and his.."

  "Girlfriend?"

  "Haha, you thought you got me but no, this is his sister Marissa. She goes to college here. Bryan and Dave did too, that's how we all met. Well, really it was through '51'. Shawn and Colt ran the bar and we all worked there at some point."

  Colt? Sadie's Colt? Was he here?

  "No kidding. I just went there for the first time a little while back."

  "It’s not the same without us, I can promise you that." I think it was Shawn who said that. I met too many people at one time for me to remember all of the who’s who.

  "I bet not. It's very nice to meet all of you."

  "Kate is Ash's sister."

  An "Oh" was heard from all of them.

  "Did anyone want a shot of tequila?"

  "I knew we were going to like you!"

  Mike put his arm around me as we ordered the drinks. Once the bartender placed them all out for everyone, we made a toast in honor of Heather and Jason. Everyone started talking about where they were from and how they all met. It was really cool to see such a large tight group of friends be able to come back tog
ether. If only my small little one could.

  "What did I miss?"

  Tony came into the group laughing and joking with everyone. It was awesome to see him in his element. He was so comfortable and at ease. Ash came over and did another shot with me, leaving poor Sadie to be an observer. He made sure she knew she wasn't forgotten though. My brother's love for her was obvious.

  We all danced and had a blast until it was time to go. I said goodbye to all of those I met, other than Mike and Marissa. They were the only ones who didn't have an early flight to catch. We all wished Heather and Jason a safe trip on their honeymoon and then headed over to Denny's for breakfast food, Sadie's pick.

  The food was too greasy for my liking, but I wasn't really focused on eating anyway. Tony kept making little comments that I knew no one other than me would catch, but I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Marissa was apparently a freshman at school. It didn't shock me too much since she looked young, but she was going to be gorgeous when she got a little older. The softness she still wore on her cheeks I knew would morph into perfection within a year. I remember being that age. Poor Bryan. How do you fight away the boys from California? She was eyeing Mike and I saw the crush from a mile away, too bad he didn't. Either that or he didn't care, because he paid her no attention.

  Finally, the bill came and it was time to leave. I told Mike and Marissa how nice it was to meet them, kissed and hugged my brother and Sadie and then told Tony it was good seeing him again. I got in my car feeling two things. I was ready to end the charade, but more so to get to my house as fast as I could.

  I pulled into my garage just as Tony whipped into my driveway. I wasn't even out of my car yet before he scooped me up into his arms, closed the car door with his foot and then used mine to hit the button to bring the garage door down.

  "You drive me crazy, woman. You have no idea what it is like to be that close to you and not be able to touch you. I have wanted to rip this dress off all night."

  "Please don't, it's Vera Wang."

  "Am I supposed to know what that means?"

  "It means money, lots of it."

  We reached my bedroom seconds before I was being thrown out of his arms, landing safely on the bed. Tony started pulling at his clothes like he couldn't get them off fast enough. I jumped right on board, slipping my dress up over my head, when I noticed Tony had stopped moving.