Fearing Regret

by Barbara Speak

  My hand went up again, this time he caught it mid swing.

  "Let me go!"

  "Not until you hear what I have to say to you."

  "What? That you need something from me? You had all of me and you threw it away. I don't need to hear anything more than what you said that day at my house. ‘I'm done’ I think were the specific words you used. Well guess what Tony, so am I."

  I jerked my hand free and turned back to my car, got in and drove off without another word coming from him. I held onto to the wheel turning my knuckles white from my grip and lost it. I screamed at the top of my lungs and cried harder than I ever had. By the time I reached my house, I was short of breath from crying so hard. I reached for my phone and dialed a number that had always been faithful to me up until a couple of months ago. Of course it went to voicemail, but for the first time in forever I left a message.

  "Ryan, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I let you down. I'm just sorry I never put you first."

  I was bawling my eyes out, leaving a message I'm sure would be deleted before it was ever heard.

  "Please forgive me. I'm just so sorry."

  I hung up and threw my phone on the passenger seat, leaving it there when I got out of my car and went inside. I stripped out of my clothes and dove straight into my bed, only to fall asleep one more time while crying.

  CHAPTER 23

  The next morning I woke up with swollen eyes and was forced to remember seeing Tony. I couldn't believe how hard he tried to get me to listen. Why would I? I couldn't even look at another man and find them attractive anymore. He ruined any chance I had at happiness, because to be honest, I will be in love with that asshole forever.

  I got up, took a shower, got dressed and headed out the door to go see everyone at the hospital. Once I was in my car, backing out of the driveway, panic set it. I hit the brake hard and rested my head on the steering wheel. What if he was there? I couldn't see him again, it would kill me.

  I decided to call Ash and pretend I just wanted to know who would want a bagel or something to eat other than hospital food. I grabbed for my phone when I remembered I left it in the car the whole night. Shit! Of course when I checked it the battery was dead. I went ahead and plugged it in to the car charger, waited a few seconds and still no power.

  Not knowing what to do, I went ahead to the bakery and grabbed every variety they had of bagels and cream cheese. By the time I got back to my car, my cell had enough of a charge to turn on. I saw one missed call, opened the history log and saw that it was Ryan. "Oh my God!"

  My hands were shaking as I hit the message button that would lead me to hear his voice.

  "Hey there. Please don't cry or worry about me, I'm okay. You on the other hand don't sound so good. Call me when you get this."

  It was simple and to the point, but what else could I expect. Before I could think about what to say, I was hitting the call button. It rang enough times that I thought I would be leaving a message, when I heard, "Kate."

  I didn't even know I was crying until I heard myself speak for the first time.

  "Ryan? It's so good to hear you. I mean to-no, that's exactly what I mean. It's been so long..."

  "What happened?"

  "Nothing. It's just so good to talk to you, you know?"

  "I never understood why you've always thought you could lie well. You suck at it. Now tell me what he did."

  "It's a long story. I don't even care about that anymore it's just so good to talk to you again."

  "I've missed you too but I know there is more. Chad told me a long time ago you and Tony were over, what has you so upset now?"

  "He told you! I told them not too."

  "None of that matters now. I just need to know that you're all right. What can I do?"

  "It just hurts so bad."

  "Come here."

  "That's not funny. I know you have always said that to me before, but you're not here anymore to hold me."

  "That's why I said come here. As in, get on a plane and come see me."

  "Really?"

  "Absolutely. You need to get out of there for a while and I would love the company."

  "I can't just leave."

  "Yes, you can. Let work know you are taking a week off and get on a plane, my treat."

  "My brother just had twins yesterday."

  "No way! That's awesome. Tell him congratulations for me."

  "I'm on my way to see them now. They are so cute. One boy and one girl, Kaden and Kendal."

  "Make sure to take lots of pictures for me to see when you get here."

  "You're really serious?"

  "Never have I been more."

  "Okay."

  "Okay?"

  "Yep, okay. I will do it."

  "Great! I'll see you tonight. I will text you the flight information in a minute."

  "Wait! Today?"

  "You bet. See you at the gate. Love you, bye."

  He hung up! There was no way I could get on a plane today. Or was there? I did need to get the hell away from here and to get to see Ryan? I couldn't wait another minute.

  I drove to the hospital and luckily Tony wasn't in the room when I got there. Sadie was feeding Kendal while Ash sat in the rocker feeding Kaden. It was the most precious sight ever.

  "Hey guys! I brought bagels."

  "You are the best! This hospital food sucks ass."

  "Sadie, we're going to have to watch our language around the babies."

  "Oh give me a break; they can't even focus yet to see. They are not going to remember me saying ass."

  Life hasn't changed at all for these two.

  "So, I'm going to be leaving town for a week. I just wanted to see you guys before I go."

  Ash was out of the chair instantly.

  "Where are you going?"

  "To see Ryan."

  His stature immediately relaxed, but mine went stock stiff when I noticed Tony had walked in and heard me. His glare at me could cut ice. I looked back over to my brother and said, "Anyway, I just wanted to deliver this and tell you I love you. I have to get out of here if I'm going to catch my flight."

  "Be safe and tell him we said hi."

  "Will do. Love you guys."

  I turned and walked right past Tony. I was almost out the door when I heard, "Kate, don't do this."

  I kept walking, never faltering in my step, even though my heart felt like it had been stabbed once again. Why was he doing this to me?

  "Don't do what?" came from Sadie but I didn't stick around to hear his reply. I walked out the door of the hospital and was on my way home to pack.

  By the time I pulled back into my garage Ryan had sent the itinerary by email. Just as he said, the ticket was paid for and my flight was leaving in three hours. That gave me thirty minutes to pack, thirty minutes to get to the airport, two hours to get through security and the best part, something to look forward to. After just seeing Tony, it only reaffirmed my feelings for him hadn't gone anywhere. I was still just as in love with him as I was in the beginning. How screwed up was that?

  The flight wasn't bad but when we landed my excitement was through the roof. My legs couldn't stop shaking as I waited in my seat for all of the rows ahead of me to get the hell out of my way. Harsh I know, but Ryan was at the end of only one walkway. When I finally stepped off the plane, I burst into a full out run. Bobbing and weaving through the crowd, I spotted Ryan as soon as the room came into view. I think I even knocked one lady down in my mad rush. Once I was close enough that I knew he could reach me, I was airborne, leaping into his arms. My legs wrapped around his waist while my arms flew around his neck. I squeezed the hell out of him until he started to fake cough.

  I pulled back laughing and said, "A little too much?"

  "Not ever enough."

  This time he squeezed me back. I knew that I missed him, but nothing brought all of it to the surface like seeing him again.

  "All right pretty girl, it’s time to get down. Peo
ple might get the wrong idea here and think we are a couple."

  He set me down giving me way to smack him in the arm. "Nice one. So, where are we going?"

  I grabbed my bags and looked up at him smiling, like the biggest dork on the planet. I felt happy for the first time in months, without the sadness that paired itself with it.

  "For someone who was miserable, you sure don't look it anymore. Did you pretend to be upset, just so you could talk me into asking you to come to see me? I get it, I'm hot, sexy and irresistible, but you could have just said so."

  "You're an ass, Ryan Eaton."

  "What did you say? I have a fine ass. Well thanks Kate, I appreciate that."

  "That too."

  We were both laughing as he took my bags from me, refusing to let me carry anything as we walked out of the airport to his car.

  "Nice!"

  "Glad you think so."

  I was looking at a solid black F250.

  "Never pictured you as a truck guy but it kind of fits you."

  "It's a Carolina thing. Now get in, I'm getting hungry."

  "Did you cook for me? You didn't have too."

  "Keep it up and you're getting drive through at its best."

  "I'm easy. Whatever sounds good to you will be fine."

  "You have changed. What happened to the, ‘I want what I want’ Kate?"

  "Oh, I'm still here. I'm just so happy to see you that I thought I could give in a little at first."

  He gave me one of his mega watt smiles and drove off.

  We did go through a drive through after all, but he was right, it was the best burger I have ever eaten.

  "This is so good! I can't believe you never told me about this place."

  "Some things are best kept a secret. If they went nationwide, they would probably start skimping on the meat quality and become just as gross as all the other fast food burger joints out there. This way it stays small and we can enjoy it any time we want."

  I looked at him with one eyebrow raised.

  "You put some serious thought into this, huh?"

  "Whatever, you asked."

  We laughed again as we pulled into the driveway of a cute, little, ranch style house.

  "Is this yours?"

  "For now it is. I'm renting until the guys buy me out. Then I plan on taking the cash and buying my own place with it."

  I was shocked.

  "You really don't plan on coming back?"

  "Come on, let’s get you inside and we can talk."

  He got out, walked over to my side and then helped me out as well. I walked to the door but he decided to grab my bags instead.

  "I could have gotten those."

  "You could have, but I would never have let you."

  This felt good. Ryan and I always were so comfortable around each other. Well, until I screwed it all up by sleeping with him.

  He came back up the sidewalk, placed my bags on the ground, unlocked the door and then turned and pulled me into another hug.

  "It's so good to see you again."

  "Believe me, I needed this more than you know."

  Ryan grabbed my hand and pulled me inside the door and then turned to grab the bags from the porch. His place was adorable. Very beach house themed. Bright yellow and pale blue spread across the entire place, it felt like home. I could see why he chose it.

  "Can I get you a glass of wine?"

  He moved to the kitchen, leaving me to sit on the couch or follow him. I followed.

  "So, are you going to tell me why you're not coming back?"

  He turned to look at me and said, "Are you going to tell me what had you so upset?"

  "Touche'."

  "Let me get the wine and then we both can say what needs to be said."

  "I'm not looking forward to this."

  As he walked back into the family room with the bottle and two glasses he said, "Well, how about this, we do all the heavy discussions tonight and then hit the beach in the morning?"

  "How is it we haven't talked in months but we have to dive into the dirty first?"

  "Because I need to know when you go home you are going to be okay."

  "We have all week to do that."

  "No, we have all week to have fun!"

  "Then you might want to start pouring that wine."

  He laughed but grabbed the bottle anyway. After he filled the glasses to the rim he handed me mine and said, "So, I met someone."

  My jaw dropped. I was so happy to hear that, but surprised at the same time.

  "And? What's her name? What's she like? Am I going to get to meet her while I'm here?"

  "Slow down, girl. All right to answer the first question, Shawna is her name. She's a cardiologist and yes, I hope you will. Did I get them all?"

  "So far yes, but I need more. When and how did you meet her?"

  I had gotten up to sit back down on my feet. This was getting good.

  "Well, I kind of crashed into her car the first weekend I came back."

  "No way! That's bullshit. Noone actually starts dating like that."

  "We did. I told her I would not only pay for her car, but would take her to dinner to apologize."

  "And she said yes, seriously?"

  "No, she said hell no."

  I laughed. I might like her after all.

  "Good for her. So how did you get her to let you take her out?"

  "A lot of persistence. In the end, she couldn’t resist my charm."

  "Haha, nice try. But really, I bet she's great. I'm happy for you."

  "Thanks." He paused and then said, "Kate, you and I should have never let ourselves get to where we couldn't be friends anymore. It was my fault and I never did say how sorry I am for putting you in that position."

  "You have no reason to apologize, at all. I know you were right. I never did give you a fair chance. In the end I lost you anyway and now you live here, so I ruined the dynamic of our group regardless."

  "Yeah, you kind of did."

  He was smiling but I threw a couch pillow at him anyway.

  "It makes so much of this better to know you're here and happy."

  "I'm glad it happened truthfully. I would have never met Shawna if it hadn't. Now on to you. I really thought Tony and you were going to make it, what happened?"

  I didn't know where to even start, so I just went from the beginning. By the time I finished, I was crying and in his arms.

  "So let me get this straight. He not only told you he loved you but countless times asked you to marry him, then out of nowhere he says he can't do it anymore?"

  "That's it."

  "You're missing something."

  "No, I told you everything."

  "That's not what I'm saying. He’s keeping something from you. I don't have a clue what, but there's more to this."

  "He doesn't deserve my patience Ryan. I don't want to even give him the time to explain."

  "Yes you do because you want the answers. You love him Kate, still."

  "Are you telling me I should just forgive him and act like he didn't rip my heart out and stomp on it?"

  By this time, I had sat up and was facing him, pissed that he would even suggest it.

  "Not at all, it will be your choice, but only once you hear him out. He might have met someone else and cheated on you, I don't know. All I'm saying is you haven't had any closure. You need it."

  "I will get past all of this on my own. I don't want to have to need anything from him, not even closure."

  "You can do it your way; it will just take that much longer. Wouldn't it be easier to just hear him out and then move on?"

  He watched my reaction and whatever he saw lead him to say, "That's the real problem isn't it? You don't really want to. You want to hate him but you don't. You're hurt and pissed, but you’re still in love with him."

  "I honestly don't understand how. I want to hate him more than anything but I can't. Why is love so cruel?"

  "You’re asking the guy who loved a girl for over six years,
watched her fall for every guy but him and when he finally confessed, it was too late."

  My face fell along with my head. I knew I was going to have to deal with this at some point. There was no way he was letting me off the hook that easy.

  "Hey", he lifted my chin so I was forced to look at him, "that was wrong of me. It was supposed to be a joke. I should have known you would take me seriously. I'm sorry."

  "I feel so bad about never giving us the chance it deserved."

  "I don't. I have Shawna and I'm good with how things worked out for me. As far as you, you have always feared the regret that may follow a decision. Taking chances is living, Kate. For the first time I saw you do that with Tony. You let yourself fall for him without over thinking it. Sometimes you're going to get burned but it’s worth the pain to feel the happiness."

  "Firecracker."

  "What?"

  "It's just something Tony would say."

  "As long as you understand, because I'm lost now."

  "He would call me that. He always said I was worth the risk of getting burned."

  "Then I'm going to go back to the beginning of all of this and say that man has more to tell you."

  "He might, but I'm not interested in hearing it. Whatever his reason, the outcome is still the same. He hurt me."

  "I get what you're saying but I hate seeing that you are still hurting from this. It’s been what did you say? Two months or was it three?"

  "Fourteen weeks."

  "See I knew it, you're counting."

  "I came here to feel better, you're not helping."

  "Oh, I am. You're just not willing to take the help."

  I yawned huge. The wine had taken its toll and this conversation was going nowhere. Ryan looked at me and said, "It's an hour later here so I won't give you trouble for wanting to sleep at eleven o'clock. Besides, you have cried enough to exhaust anyone. Let’s get you to bed and tomorrow we can have some fun!"

  "Lately I have had no energy and am tired by nine or ten anyway. You just haven't been around to notice."

  "Are you getting old on me?"

  "No, I just have no life to stay up for I guess."

  "Well, get some sleep because I'm teaching you how to surf tomorrow."

  "No you're not. I'm going to lie out and get some color."

  "Maybe after I tire you out from surfing but definitely not before. Now, stop arguing and go to sleep."