Fearing Regret

by Barbara Speak

  That didn't help Tony one bit. He looked more nervous than ever.

  "It's going to be okay, Big Man. Calm yourself."

  Just using the words I hadn't for him in so long, made it all better. His eyes snapped to mine and softened immediately.

  "We will follow you, doctor."

  Tony took my hand in his, as we followed Doc into a room down the hall. Once in, he closed the door and asked us to take a seat of the couch together. Tony never let go of my hand.

  "Tony, Kate has something she needs to tell you. Let it be known, she is also very new to this information so there is no expectations on your reactions or feelings."

  His grip got tighter as he searched my face for clues. My eyes never left his as I said, "Being here has taught me a lot. It allowed me to grieve the right way and let Ryan go, but also how to forgive. I know you didn't want to let me go and you did it the only way you thought you could."

  "I'm so sorry that I hurt you."

  "Please let me finish. We have a lot of work ahead of us before I can trust you again, but I'm willing to try."

  "That's all that I'm asking for."

  I was getting aggravated and apparently Doc could tell.

  "Tony, you need to let Kate talk for now. You will have plenty of time to say what you need to when she is finished."

  "I'm sorry. Go ahead."

  "What I was trying to say is I'm willing to try because it's not just about us anymore. There is another part of 'us' that we need to focus on. I don't want any more talk of moving in together or getting married. We need to focus on a public relationship, no more hiding. I want our parents to get to know each other. You have the advantage being you already know Ash but I don't know your brothers at all really. They are going to be significant in this and-"

  "Kate, you are making no sense. I understand about hiding, but what is the significance of them when it comes to us. We proved that we were happy without anyone's input. Why would you let them factor in how we live or what we do?"

  I needed to just say it but I didn't know the right words. I looked for Doc to help, but he shrugged his shoulders letting me know it was all on me.

  "Tony, several months ago something amazing was given to us. I just found out today myself. I doubted it too but when I saw it, I knew it was true. We made a baby, Tony. You are going to be a dad."

  He was speechless. He stared at me and then at Doc, then back to me. He looked lost. His hand dropped mine and then he scooted back from me on the couch.

  "Is this some kind of sick fucking joke?"

  It was my turn to go speechless. Never in a million years would I have expected him to react like this. Tears swelled in my eyes before I pushed them back as hard as I could.

  "Kate, don't do this. I explained to you he might have a hard time understanding all of this. Talk to him. Don't shut down. We have worked too hard. Tony, I understand why you would think this, but I assure you there is no joke being pulled here. Kate is almost four months pregnant. She had no idea until today like I tried to explain earlier."

  Tony never once looked at me. He shook his head back and forth, showing he clearly didn't want to believe what he was being told.

  "Tony, it's real. I didn't believe them either. Doc, can we get the ultrasound tech to do another one so Tony can see himself. Maybe that would help him like it did me?"

  "I don't need to see anything. I know that I can't have children. I know this because I was tested thoroughly. You may have a baby in your body but it's not mine."

  It was like he slapped me across the face. Did he just insinuate that I cheated on him? Yep, I thought so too. I jumped up from the couch and screamed, "How dare you say I cheated! I never once even looked at another man. This is your baby 'Big Man' so man up and take responsibility!"

  "Whoa, whoa, hold on you two. This is a lot of information in a very short span of time. Let it sink in a little before you start throwing accusations at each other."

  "Did he once ask me if I was okay? Or how the baby is? No! I didn't believe it either but I never blamed anyone. It's a baby, a baby! It doesn't deserve this or what I have already put it through. I'm done here. My stay is up, I'm ready to go home."

  "Sit down!"

  I spun around to Tony with fire in my eyes.

  "No!"

  "Sit down!"

  I sat, but not gracefully. I threw myself back and folded my arms over my chest, saying nothing. He looked at me and said, "Do you have any idea how impossible it is to make a baby when you are sterile, Kate?"

  "Do you have any idea how hard it is to make a baby when you take birth control and never miss a day or even are off by an hour! Shit Tony, I'm still taking the pills and still having periods. How the hell do you think I felt?"

  "Excuse me for the interruption but you both need to calm down."

  Tony and I both looked at Doc and said, "Butt out!"

  "Well you had to miss a few and forgive me for saying, I wasn't there like your brother to blame for the miss and I can't accept this like he did either. There is a huge difference between him and me Kate, he's not sterile!"

  "Listen to me asshole. Neither. Are. You. OBVIOUSLY!"

  "Can we do a DNA test?"

  He actually said those words! He said them to Doc instead of me, but he still said them!

  "I'm not having an amnio just to prove I'm telling you the truth. Kiss my ass! I will raise this baby alone, it will probably be better off that way anyway."

  "Like hell you will! That is my baby and I will be there for everything, EVERYTHING!"

  "Oh now it's your baby, two seconds ago you wanted a test to prove it!"

  His body relaxed and his voice grew soft when he said, "We are really going to have a baby?"

  "I am. I'm not sure if I'm going to let you have any part in it anymore."

  "Just stop. You know I have wanted this my whole life. You know how hard it was for me to talk to you about adoption and you know that I have always thought this wasn't even an option for me. How can you expect me to react any different? It doesn't mean that I don't want you or my child, but like hell will I let you dictate how this is going to go. We are raising this baby together, which means you are moving in with me or I'm moving into your place, but I'm not letting you out of my sight. As far as the wedding goes, you will marry me too. I will let you choose when, but you’re going to be my wife until the day I die whether that comes sooner or later. Do you understand me?"

  "I'm going to interject whether you two like it or not. This is doing far better than I anticipated but there is a whole lot more you need to agree on, without demands being set into place."

  "Doc?"

  "Yes, Kate."

  "He's right. Everything he said is right." I turned to Tony and said, "I don't want to do this by myself, I'm scared. But I need you to understand I don't want your family judging me, thinking I did this to trap you. They know nothing about me yet. We need to take the time and do this the right way."

  "They know all about you. From the second I let you go, all I have done is talk about you. I couldn't tell my friends or even my brothers about the results, but I never will keep my parents from knowing again. My own mother called me a fool for pushing you away. My dad tried giving me the “when you find the one” talk. They know all about you Kate. Hell, they have been on your side since day one."

  I didn't know what to say. My parents knew about us and my brother and Sadie obviously knew by my brother's reaction in the hospital room. If all of his family knew about me, then I guess the secret is out.

  "I've still never met them Tony. What do you think they are going to say when you tell them the girl you fell in love with, practically killed herself and your baby, after she watched her best friend get shot to death protecting her? Do you think they're going to open their arms and welcome me to the family? Hell no! They are going to say, 'She's a train wreck'."

  "Don't you ever, and I mean it, ever, say something like that about yourself again. You witnessed the worst th
ing a person can go through, and anyone would be sad. Add on top of it the hormones that I'm sure took a huge part in the depression you fell into. Third, you would have never let yourself hurt that baby, my baby. You have the biggest heart in the world. I love you so much for who you are and I don't care if no one else understands or not. But that isn't even an issue, because I know they will love you just as much as I do. You are also the mother of their first grandchild, they have to like you or they won't get to see the baby. You hold all the power, Firecracker. Don't worry about a thing."

  "Me again here but I have to ask, what's with the Firecracker name? Kate never said anything about it in our talks but this is the second time you have used it?"

  "I didn't mention it because I hate it."

  "No you don't and it's just something between us."

  "Well, that answers a lot. So, if you guys can speak without ripping each other's head off, I'm going to start working on the discharge papers. Kate, your parents will be here shortly to sign all of them."

  "Okay, thank you Doc, for everything you did for me."

  "You did all the work. I just listened."

  He got up with a smile and then winked one time before he walked out of the room. I turned back to Tony and watched for his reaction to my release.

  "You get to come home? Now?"

  "Yep, I sure do!"

  He grabbed me and picked me up from the couch, spinning around in circles until we were both dizzy. Then he laid me back down on the couch and positioned himself over me. We locked eyes and then I watched as those lips were moistened by his tongue before they met with mine. It had been so long since I felt him near me. My body went into overdrive out of withdrawal can be my only guess. My legs wrapped around his waist, as my pelvis arched to meet his hard on. I rocked up and down while his kiss became feverish, along with the moans that were coming from the both of us.

  The doorknob started to turn, when we heard it, we jumped three feet away from each other on the couch. I was dripping wet and needing Tony like I never have needed a man before. I looked over at him and it wasn't hard at all to read my thoughts.

  "You keep looking at me like that and I won't give a shit who’s on the other side of that door, Kate. I will pull down your pants and take you right in front of them. Don't forget, I haven't had sex in months either."

  If it were possible to climax from words alone then that is exactly what just happened to me.

  The door opened and before I saw anyone, my parent’s voices could be heard. Then without warning they were running into the room. My father grabbed my arm, pulling me from the couch and both of them threw their arms around me. My mother was crying while my dad was petting my head.

  "My God it’s so good to see you, Katie Cat."

  "I've never wanted so badly to hold you before now, my sweet baby girl."

  It hit me, how hard it had to have been on both of them, knowing their own daughter was having a psych evaluation done.

  "I'm okay. I know I worried you, but I'm okay. This was the best thing for me. Doc, I mean Dr. Eisner, helped me so much."

  "That's what matters most."

  I pulled back from their embrace and walked over to a quiet Tony, sitting on the couch. What I was about to do scared the shit out of me, but it was now or never.

  I grabbed his hand and pulled him up to stand next to me. Still holding his hand like a lifeline I said, "Mom, Dad, I know you both know Tony. What you don't know is that we started dating almost a year ago and I'm in love with him."

  They said nothing but both continued to listen.

  "We aren't sure how it is even possible but we are expecting a baby, as you both knew already, before we even did. It’s brand new to us and will take some adjusting to get used to but we plan to raise this child together as loving parents. Mom, before you even suggest it, I have no interest in getting married right now. We are not Sadie and Ash nor do we want to be. My pregnancy is almost halfway over and I have yet to enjoy the idea of what is coming. I want to focus on this baby and nothing but this baby, until I'm holding it in my arms. I'm sorry if this decision upsets you, but I'm firm on it.”

  "I'm sorry if you felt we deceived you both, it was not our intention. We wanted to see where we were without outside opinions clouding our judgment. It just snowballed out of control; turning into what we felt was lying. If you are unaware, I have leukemia. I have been in remission for quite some time but a scare caused me to pull away from your daughter. I feel I am the reason for her downward spiral and the cause of her needing to run to South Carolina. Without my stupidity, Kate would never there been here and Ryan could still be with us as well. With all of that said, my treatment for the cancer rendered me sterile or so I was told. This baby is truly a miracle from God and the woman who is carrying it is my miracle as well. I love your daughter. I have asked her several times in the past if she would marry me but she continues to shoot me down. I wouldn't want you to think I am dishonorable and wouldn't want to make an honest woman of her. She just won't let me."

  All of our jaws were touching the floor, including Doc's. I can't believe he blames himself for Ryan or my downfall. Life happens. We don't get to make all the choices. Free will only goes so far and the rest is up to God. It's out of our hands. I was going to have to put a lot of energy into fixing his way of thinking. But first, I needed to hear how my parents were going to respond.

  "Son, you owning up to your mistakes makes you more of a man than most. I won't let you take the blame for Ryan though. That was a careless act of a junkie and no one is to blame but him. As far as your intentions with my daughter, I know my baby girl. She's a tough one to crack but somehow you did it. I welcome you as a part of this family, even if she won't marry you. You are the father of my next grandchild. That is all that I care about."

  "She WILL marry you though, correct Katherine?"

  "Maybe, someday."

  Both of my parents smiled, then my mom finished by saying, "You are impossible sometimes."

  "She's impossible all of the time but that's why I love her."

  CHAPTER 27

  Tony demanded he was the one to take me home. After he asked my parents for their permission, that is. Before we had pulled in the driveway, he had called a moving company and a real estate agent.

  We got to the house when Tony cut the engine and was about to get out. I needed to say something that couldn't wait another second.

  "Listen hear Big Man, my house, my rules. Don't think you're going to come in here and start running things."

  "Shush down, I'm the man in this. Don't start acting like you can be the boss."

  "Well, I'm the thirty-one year old, pregnant bitch that will turn into your worst nightmare if you even try."

  "Point taken."

  He got out, walked around to my side, opened my door and then scooped me up in his arms.

  "I can walk you know."

  "Do you ever be quiet? Let me just do this okay. I want to and never thought this day would come. Let me."

  I zipped my lips and wondered what he was planning. He entered the garage code and then opened the door to the house.

  "I know we aren't married, but I've always known that day will come. What I never imagined, was that you would be carrying my child. Mine. So me carrying you across this threshold represents so much more for me than you know. You are my one and only, Firecracker. I love you now more than I have ever loved you before and that's saying a lot."

  He walked us through the door as I wiped the tears that were running down my face. When my vision cleared, I was able to take in the yellow rose petals, scattered as far as the eye could see.

  "How did you do this?"

  His face lit up.

  "So you like it?"

  "I love it! Really though, how did you do this?"

  "I had help from my brothers. I hope you don't mind that I gave them your code."

  "For this? I don't mind at all."

  He set me down, but I wasn't on my own feet f
or more than two seconds before I was jumping back into his arms and kissing him. Once he opened his lips, I dove in, letting him know how much I needed this to go as far as it could. He walked backwards until we bumped into the couch, started laughing into our kiss and then finished our journey into what was now going to be our bedroom.

  He set me softly on the bed, slowly removed my clothes and then stood back and stared.

  "You're more beautiful now than I could ever imagine," he leaned forward and sweetly kissed my baby bump, "and it is only going to get better."

  I closed my eyes, imagining how life will be in five months. Most couples get nine months to figure this out. Yet the idea alone that I was looking into a future with Tony in it was beyond my comprehension. It's almost as if the last few months never happened and we just get to forget.

  Every move he made over my body was controlled. When he licked my breasts, as he licked my center, even as he entered me and began to rock back and forth, I was losing my patience.

  "I don't mean to sound ungrateful here but why are you going so slow?"

  He looked down at me with the cutest expression to date.

  "I don't want to hurt you," came out in almost a whisper.

  "You don't want to hurt me? What are you talking about? You have never had a problem pushing my pain tolerance before."

  And then it hit me.

  "This is about the baby! Tony Harrison, if you think I'm going to accept sex this way through the rest of my pregnancy, you are insane."

  "I don't want to hurt the baby. I wouldn't feel right doing what we did now."

  I leaned up and bit him, hard.

  "Ouch!"

  "I'm going to bite you every time you take it easy on me, like it or not. Nothing is going to happen to the baby just because we have kinky sex. Now, let’s get going."

  "I don't want to. Ouch! Damn it, woman."

  "I warned you."

  Once he picked up the pace, everything fell back into what we do best. And let me tell you, I screamed out every curse word there is before I fell into numbness. He stayed inside of me, just like he used to, and pulled me into him as we slept our very first night as soon to be parents.