Fearing Regret

by Barbara Speak

  The next morning I woke up still in his arms. I was scared it was all a dream, until I felt him pull me in tighter.

  "Good morning, mama."

  "That just sounds so weird."

  "Get used to it. It's your title now for the rest of your life."

  "This is all so crazy."

  "Today it's only going to get more insane."

  "What's today?"

  "Tell everybody, moving day."

  "Oh, no way Big Man, I'm not doing all of that in one day."

  "I'm not talking about all my stuff. I want to leave most of it to stage the house. But I do want my clothes and shower stuff here. Plus, your parents and brother already know, it's my families turn."

  "My brother has no idea."

  "What?"

  "Only my parents. Ash has no idea."

  "Shit!"

  "What's wrong?"

  "It was a whole lot easier talking to your parents, than it will be with your brother. He's going to want to kick my ass."

  "No, he won't."

  Two hours later we were at Sadie and Ash's house.

  "What the hell do you mean you are almost four months pregnant?"

  "Ash calm down, you’re going to wake the babies!"

  "I can't calm down Sadie, he knocked up my sister!"

  "Nobody knocked me up! We are having a baby Ash, whether you approve or not."

  Sadie hobbled over to me and hugged me tight. The poor girl was still recouping from her surgery, yet she walked over to comfort me.

  "Sadie, you need to take it easy. Please don't overdue it."

  "Ash, you worry too much." Then she turned to me and said softly in my ear "I'm so excited for you. Your brother will get over his fit and will be just as happy as I am. Give it time."

  "Do you have any intentions of marrying my sister or is getting her pregnant enough for you?"

  Tony looked at Ash, keeping himself under control he said, "We didn't plan this at all. We just found out yesterday! You can't act like this was calculated."

  "How else should I act?"

  "Asher, shut up! You have no idea what you are talking about."

  "I know how babies are made Kate, I have two upstairs!"

  "Well no shit you know how to make a baby, but you have no idea that Tony was told he was sterile! That he thought his only chance at having kids was through adoption. That this baby is a true blessing from God and doesn't deserve to have its uncle be pissed off about its existence."

  Ash looked down at the floor, while Sadie stared open mouthed at Tony.

  "Why didn't you ever tell me? How did I have no idea?"

  "It was personal. The only one that needs that information is the woman I plan to marry, because it affects her too."

  I remember when we talked about it for the first time. It was so early on. There was no way he knew then.

  He turned and walked over to me, kissed my nose and said, "Yes I did. I know what you're thinking and yes, I knew then just as sure as I know now."

  Ash walked up and pulled us apart. Tony looked ready for the blow, when Ash surprised us both by grabbing us into a hug.

  "I'm sorry I was a dick it just shocked the hell out of me. The last few weeks have been hard and now this." He let out his breath and then said, "If you plan on supporting her through this, than I respect you for it."

  "I don't just plan to support her Ash, I'm going to marry her."

  "Aw, that's so sweet!" Sadie started to wipe at her eyes, while I rolled mine.

  "Not anytime soon you're not."

  Tony looked from me to Ash and said, "That's still being discussed."

  We peeked in on the twins while they napped and then we headed out the door on our way to Tony's parent’s house.

  "That went better than I expected."

  "I told you he wasn't going to fight you."

  "I'm still not sure that he didn't want to."

  "Tony?"

  "Yeah babe."

  "I'm scared to tell your parents."

  "My parents are going to be a whole different experience than what we just left. I promise you."

  Twenty minutes later I felt like I was going to throw up, as we pulled into his parent’s driveway.

  "Kate, you need to calm down. They're going to love you."

  "It’s not just that, I forgot to eat."

  "I made you breakfast."

  "Three hours ago. I'm hungry again."

  "Seriously?"

  "Yes, seriously."

  "Well then, let's get you inside so my mom can feed you."

  Walking up the sidewalk, Tony grabbed my hand, kissed it and then squeezed it twice.

  "Why twice?"

  "Twice? Oh, you mean when I squeeze your hand. I don't really know truthfully. Do you want me to stop?"

  "Never."

  We both looked at each other smiling until the front door opened and mine fell off. A little woman came running out at us, grabbed onto me and picked me up off the ground, jumping up and down.

  "You're here! You're here! Come inside, you have to meet my husband. He's going to eat you up."

  She let me down, but immediately grabbed my hand and pulled me into her home. I looked back over my shoulder at Tony, who was wearing a beaming smile and then he blew me a kiss.

  Once I was inside, a very large man came into the room and grabbed onto me as well, pulling me into a bear hug. Squeezing apparently ran in the family.

  "Dad let her go she's new to the family."

  He still had me in a death grip but I could tell that voice was not Tony's.

  "Dad, come on. Give the poor girl a break."

  That one either. When he finally let me breathe, I found Heather, Jason, Mike, their mom and Tony standing in the kitchen watching us. All of them at one time? A little warning would have been nice. On top of the fact I really did need to eat before I got sick.

  "You are more beautiful than Tony described.” His hands went to my face. "We are so happy to finally get to meet you. Thank you for forgiving my fool of a son."

  "Dad!" This time it was Tony.

  "Just saying."

  Tony walked over and grabbed me out of his father’s grasp, walking me back over to his brothers.

  Heather grabbed me into a hug and said, "It's so nice to not be the only girl anymore. Welcome to the family Kate."

  "Did you like the flowers?" I looked over Heather’s shoulder at Mike, who was standing tall and proud.

  "I loved my flowers, thank you."

  I walked over and gave him a hug too.

  "What about me? I'm the one who had to pull all of the damn petals off the roses. Look at my hands, I have proof."

  "That's what you get for not ordering just the petals like he told us too."

  "Jason! You pulled all of those by hand?" I was shocked stupid. Who does that?

  "Sure did. Tony wanted yellow rose petals. That's what I got."

  "You are the most romantic man on the planet and you're all mine."

  Heather kissed him and I wanted to laugh. This family was a riot.

  "Hey everyone. Kate come over here. We have something to tell you guys."

  I went to stand behind Tony. But he grabbed me, pulling me in front of him and wrapped his hands around my waist, landing on my belly.

  All eyes were on us, but all of their faces were smiling. This has to be the happiest group of people I have ever met.

  "I was lucky enough when Kate decided she would take me back. Never in my wildest dreams did I think she could tell me I am going to be a Dad, but she did! We are having a baby!"

  Everyone went berserk. Screaming, hugging, clapping, jumping around, it all happened at once. I was ripped from Tony’s arms and pulled in a million directions. His mom was openly sobbing, loud I might add. His dad had a few wet tears as well. It was such an amazing moment in my life, to see a group so loving and know they would be a huge part in my child's world.

  They all started to settle down, but the pride on Tony's face was perfect. Ho
w many people get to have what I have?

  My stomach growled so loud unexpectedly, that everyone turned to stare at me.

  "I'm sorry. I guess I'm a little hungry."

  His mother let go of her son and ran straight into the kitchen saying, "I bet you are, sweet child. Let me make you some lunch. That baby is going to need a good solid meal and that's exactly what I will give it. Oh my God! I'm going to be a grandma!"

  Mike walked over to me, never breaking his stare.

  "Too bad he got to you before I could. My brother is a very lucky man. I'm happy for you both."

  "Thank you Mike, that means a lot."

  "You're more than welcome. So, when is this baby due?"

  It was like a sledgehammer just hit me. I couldn't believe I didn't know the answer to the most basic question for a mother. I looked over at Tony, as my bottom lip started to quiver.

  "Oh shit Kate, I didn't mean to upset you."

  "It’s not your fault. I can't believe I don't know. How crappy of a mom am I?"

  Tony was at my side asking Mike what happened when I blurted out,

  "We don't even know when our baby is due!"

  Tony's mom walked into the family room and said, "It's still early. You have eight more months to figure that out, don't worry."

  Tony looked down at me again and then said, "She's already almost four months Mom."

  "WHAT?"

  "Did you not want to tell us in the beginning for a reason?"

  And here it goes. I waited for Tony to tell them how I went to see Ryan but he never did.

  "We wanted to make sure everything was okay before we told people."

  "Well, I wish we could have known sooner but I guess I understand. Lots of kids now are doing that. I still think grandparents should be the exception."

  She was talking to herself, under her breath by the end, but I was still shocked. Tony lied. Mr. I never lie, lied! I looked at him and gave him the stink eye but he just smiled, leaned down and kissed me.

  "Do I call them Mr. and Mrs. Harrison?" He let out a belly laugh and said, "I think we are a little past formalities. My mom's name is Janet and my dad's is Nathan. Sorry I forgot to tell you."

  "It’s okay, I just wasn't sure."

  "Didn't I tell you it would be different here?"

  "Your family is pretty perfect, Big Man."

  "You bet they are."

  "Did I just hear her call you Bug Man?"

  I looked over to Heather and cracked up. Tony was turning bright red. I guess I never thought about what the name represented to describe it before, leading me to have to correct her was difficult as hell.

  "Yes, she did. I kill bugs for her because she's scared of them."

  I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Lie number two in less than five minutes. Tony grabbed my hand and squeezed it two times, making the correlation hilarious.

  "What's so funny about killing bugs?"

  I loved her already.

  "It's just an inside joke between Kate and me. Sorry, I don't think you want the details."

  Tony winked at me and then went to join his mom in the kitchen.

  "So, when we were at Sadie’s wedding, were you guys already together?"

  "No, you had it right back then. He and I had met a few times out, but I had no idea he was Sadie's best friend."

  Heather smiled and said, "That's because I am. He's runner up."

  I laughed, knowing Kara would have said the same thing about Ryan. It hurt to think about him in the past now but I needed to move on. Speaking of Kara, "Hey Tony, when can we get all of my friends together. I want to tell them too."

  He was grabbing something from inside the refrigerator when his head popped out and said, "Why don't you invite them all over for dinner tonight. I'll barbeque."

  Two things about that made me smile. First, I was going to get to see everyone for the first time since before the accident, and two, I had a man to barbeque! I never have been able to do a good job at that myself.

  I reached for my phone and started to call Kara when Tony’s mom announced lunch was ready. Instead of calling, I just sent a mass text to all of them with the time and what to bring. I was in the best mood ever. Once everyone knew, we could celebrate this baby and maybe even find out my due date, ha ha.

  We all sat down to eat after we said grace, which I enjoyed his family even more for. The banter between them all, along with the love you could feel from the group, was powerful. His mother had made a potato salad that was to die for, sub sandwiches and baked beans. I hadn't realized how much I can consume until Jason said, "Damn girl, you can put it away like a man can."

  I dropped my fork and looked up at him, just as Tony's father from one side and Heather from the other, slapped him upside the head simultaneously.

  "You never comment on a pregnant woman's appetite! Have you no manners?" His mother screamed from the other side of the table.

  Tony looked from my reaction to his brother and said, "Apologize now!"

  "Hey guys, I appreciate your concern, but I have always ate like this. My mother is Italian, we eat large meals. It's okay."

  No one even looked at me as I said it. They all continued to stare at Jason, until he finally turned to me and said, "I'm sorry, Kate. That was very rude of me." And that was it. Everyone picked up their forks or sandwich and it was as if it never happened. What a strange family. It was obvious that the matriarch had laid her foot down long before, setting the expectations for her three sons. My respect for her only grew in that moment.

  After we ate and joked around until it was time to go collect all of Tony's things from his house. I hugged all of his family and thanked them for such a welcoming greeting.

  "You're part of this family now, Kate. There is nothing we wouldn't do for you."

  "Thank you, Nathan. That means the world to me."

  He put his hands in front of my belly and asked, "Do you mind?"

  No one had ever done this before but his eyes were so endearing.

  "Not at all."

  His hands fell on my stomach and he let out a long breath.

  "It’s been a long time since I was able to feel this. I'm so happy for you both. What a blessing."

  I wrapped my arms around him and thanked him again. I would have let him squeeze me forever but Tony interjected.

  "All right old man, let her go. We need to get out of here."

  His dad let me go but then grabbed his son into a hug as well. What a great memory to store.

  We eventually got back in the car, went and got all of Tony's stuff, dropped it off at the house, went to the grocery store and then back home. By the time we unloaded the groceries I needed a nap.

  "Go ahead and sleep babe, I told you I would take care of dinner."

  He didn't have to offer twice. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was out.

  I woke up to voices carrying through the house. I realized that I had slept for several hours instead of minutes. I jumped out of bed, brushed my teeth and then went to go enjoy my friends. As soon as I walked into the family room, Kara was running at me. She pulled me into a hug and I don't think a hug from her has ever felt so good.

  Over her shoulder I noticed, Tony, Chad, and Chris but no Reed. When she let me go, it was only enough to pull back still gripping my shoulders.

  "I'm so thankful you're okay. You scared the shit out of all of us."

  I looked out to everyone and said, "Yeah, I'm really sorry for putting you all through that. It wasn't by choice and I wish I could change a lot of what happened. But life doesn't allow you to rewind, so all I can offer is my apology."

  Chris and Chad were across the room in two seconds flat. Both of them grabbing onto me as well, pulling us into a group hug I will never forget.

  Once everyone had gotten their fill, we all pulled away enough for me to go for the man I loved.

  By the time I reached him, he was ready for the kiss I was offering.

  "Did you get a good nap?"

 
"The best, thank you."

  It wasn't until I saw the kitchen that I noticed all of the food was cooked and ready to be eaten.

  "This all looks amazing!"

  "Anything for you, Firecracker."

  I gave him a dirty look but he just slapped my ass and said, "Whatever, you know you love it secretly."

  I turned back to everyone and the conversations started. I got to hear how the funeral went, how poor Shawna handled it and how the shit head kid was being prosecuted for murder one. Chris had apparently admitted to himself finally that he was bisexual and Reed couldn't live with that. I applauded Chris's honesty and felt for his loss. Reed was a great guy.

  Chad and Kara announced that they had something to tell us but Tony demanded that our news was first.

  "We brought you all here today for a reason. Kate missed you all so much and a lot has changed recently. I'm not going to share her news for her so Kate, do you want to go ahead?"

  "Um, well, I went to the hospital as you all know and some tests were ran. Um, I, I found out yesterday that I... "

  "Just spit it out."

  Kara was losing her patience with me but I was having a hard time getting it out for some reason.

  "Do you remember my Ethiopian baby belly?"

  "Well duh, how could I forget?"

  "You got the Ethiopian part wrong but not the rest."

  Chris said, "I'm lost." But Kara's eyes almost shot out of their sockets.

  "No way! Me too!"

  "Shut up!"

  "No, seriously!"

  "Oh my God!"

  We ran at each other, grabbed each other's hands and started jumping up and down screaming.

  "How is it I'm still lost over here?"

  Chad turned around to Chris and said, "We are all having babies."

  "I'm not having a kid unless you know something that I don't."

  "No, you dork. They are. Kate and Kara are pregnant."

  Tony walked over to Chad and shook his hand while Kara and I flipped out.

  "When did you find out?"

  "Yesterday, you?"

  "Two weeks ago."

  "And you're just now telling me?"

  "You were kind of predisposed."

  "Touche."

  "How far along are you?"

  "Almost four months, you?"

  Her jaw was hanging open and the momentum of our conversation was lost.