To Love Twice

by McCoubrey, Heather

  “Kate! So sorry to keep you waiting,” Clair said as she rushed into her office.

  Reluctantly, Kate turned from the windows. “How do you get anything done with a view like this?”

  Clair laughed, “It’s hard some days.”

  “You must have willpower of steel. I’d never get anything done,” Kate laughed as she walked over to shake Clair’s hand and then sat down in one of the vacant visitor chairs.

  Clair surprised Kate by sitting in the opposite visitor’s chair, taking Kate’s hand and giving it a slight squeeze. “How are you doing today, Kate?”

  “I’m okay if I don’t think about it. I’ve never been arrested, detained, before, so that was pretty traumatic for me. I’ve never had to worry about Mary like that before. All I could think about was what if I’m thrown in jail?” Kate looked out the window and sighed. “I know my sister would have looked out for her. I let Mary sleep in my bed last night,” Kate said sheepishly.

  “I probably would have done the same thing. And I hate to say this, but it’s going to be a long road and it’s going to get tougher before it gets better.”

  “I know. This whole situation is hard. It’s hard for me to reconcile the man I married, with the man he is now.”

  “Well, we may not get those answers for you, but we will make this situation better for you. Tell me about when things started going wrong,” Clair said calmly.

  Kate’s palms dampened. Wiping them on her slacks, she blew out a breath. “Wow. I’m really doing this, aren’t I? That’s such a personal question, but I suppose nothing is going to be personal again for a long time.”

  “No, I’m afraid it won’t. I’m hoping we can handle this divorce between the lawyers and just get the judge to sign off on it. But if he fights you on any part, we’ll have to go to trial,” Clair said softly. “Before we actually start, let me ask you a question. Are you ready for this? Are you ready to take this step? Because once we start, there really is no going back.”

  Kate took a deep breath and searched her heart. She took the question as seriously as it was asked. She glanced toward to windows again, letting her mind wander. Was she ready for this step? She had to be. Already there was no going back. He’d let her walk out the door. He’d let her take Mary with no fight. He’d gotten rid of everything she owned. There was no coming back from that.

  “Yes, I’m ready. I want to take this step. There is no other course for me to take,” Kate said quietly but with finality.

  Taking another deep breath, Kate started the story. “In order for you to understand when things went wrong, I think you need to know how we met.” Kate looked out the window and let her mind go back to that awful day.

  “I was a senior in college. MBA program. My father had had a heart attack a couple of days before. He was in ICU and my mother had been staying with him at the hospital. I had finals coming up and a few term papers that I’d needed to work on. I didn’t get Mom’s voicemail until late. I went by their home, grabbed the things she’d requested and went to the hospital. By the time I had visited, and was leaving, it was very late. My sister was out of town for her best friend’s wedding. If she’d been home, she probably would have been the one to handle this and handled it much earlier in the day. She’s always been better at handling Mom when there’s a crisis. I never had enough patience for Mom. Anyway, it was very late and I normally would have asked a security guard to escort me, but I was tired, and irritated with my mother. God, I was so tired. Between the stress of my father’s heart attack, the stress of school and my internship – I was exhausted. All I wanted was to collapse in bed and sleep for days. I remember arguing with myself, as I rode the elevator, about how much sleep I could allow myself before I got up to cram some more before work.” Kate paused and collected herself. “I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings and I’d gotten off on the wrong floor of the parking garage. It wasn’t until I got to where my car should have been, that I suddenly realized where I was and why my remote wasn’t working.

  “As I berated myself for not paying attention, I saw a movement out of the corner of my eye. I flinched, but it wasn’t enough. He hit me and I went flying to the ground. He kicked me in the ribs and I could hear them crack. I was so aware of everything that was happening, but I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I tried screaming, but no sound came out. I learned later that it’s some type of defense mechanism. I was paralyzed with fear and all I could do was try to protect myself,” Kate paused again. Slowly inhaling and exhaling as she ran her fingers over her short, choppy hair. “I had long hair then. He grabbed me by my hair and hauled me to my feet. He punched me in the face and broke my nose. I would have fallen, but he still had a hold of my hair. He threw me up against a car and punched me in the stomach and then hit me in the face again. This time I went down. My ears were buzzing, my vision was going black and all I could do was lay there on the ground. I know I was whimpering because he told me to shut up. He dragged me between the two cars and straddled me. He grabbed a hold of my throat and squeezed. He told me that if I made one sound, even a tiny whimper, he’d strangle me. I nodded my head as much as I was able. He ran both hands down my chest and lifted my shirt. I was wearing sports bras then because they were more comfortable than my regular ones. He sneered when he saw it and pulled that up as well. I was panicking. I didn’t want to be raped, no one does, and I didn’t know how to get myself out of this situation.” Kate reached up and brushed away the tears that were running down her face. “The light was dim in the garage and my eyes were swelling up. I really couldn’t make out his face, but I knew I needed to memorize what he looked like. I stared and stared at his face trying to commit each feature to memory. He was squeezing my nipples and I remember how much it hurt and all I wanted to do was scream and scream for help. He grabbed my throat again and started to slide my pants down my legs. He was getting his pants down when Brad showed up.” Kate paused, taking several deep breaths to calm herself down.

  “Would you like some water?” Clair asked hesitantly.

  “Please.” Kate took a deep drink of the ice cold water Clair handed to her.

  “Take your time, Kate. We have as much time as you need.”

  Nodding, Kate took another drink of water. “It’s just not something that I actively think about everyday. And when I do think about, or talk about it, it all comes rushing back and I’m there again. Broken, helpless and scared. No one likes feeling that way, and I know that. And I try not to feel sorry for myself, there’s so many people out there who got it worse.” Kate took another sip of water and continued. “I was so scared. I thought Brad was with this guy. I knew I wouldn’t survive it. My eyes were swelling shut and my face couldn’t register the shock and fear of Brad appearing. I’ve never seen someone move so fast. Brad took his briefcase and bashed the guy upside the head. He fell into the car next to us and jumped up. Brad threw his briefcase on the ground and dropped into a fighting stance. The guy who attacked me took a swing at Brad. Brad ducked and came up with a punch to the guy’s face. I don’t know how long the fighting went on, it seemed like forever. I was so scared, I didn’t move. I felt like if I moved and my attacker won the fight, it would be worse for me if I wasn’t exactly as he left me.

  “Brad got a few good punches in, before another man drove up and joined the fight. I found out later that Brad was there with his brother, Michael, visiting their sister who’d just had a baby. Michael called the cops and then jumped out of his car to help Brad. Michael didn’t even know I was there until after they’d gotten my attacker under control. Brad left my attacker with his brother and came over to help me cover up. And it was then that I was finally able to scream. I screamed until my voice went hoarse. I was backed up against the wall, my clothes all askew and my arms held out in front of me. My legs were curled up to my chest and I wouldn’t let him come near me. He knelt down in front of me with his hands out. I could see his lips moving, but I had no idea what he was saying. All I knew was that he was
a man and I wasn’t letting him come near me. When the cops showed up, it was even worse. They both were men and I wouldn’t let them come near me either. I just kept screaming when they would look at me or try to come near me and then whimper when they backed off. My brain, it was like it had shut off. Other than the screaming and whimpering, I couldn’t do anything else. I was sitting there, crouched up against the wall, my clothes hanging off me and all I could do was scream.

  “Someone finally had the brains to call in a woman cop and someone from the ER. They came running, a nurse and a trauma doctor. And thankfully they were both women. They scooted past the cops and Brad and knelt down in front of me. I knew they were women, I knew they were speaking to me and asking questions but I couldn’t respond. All I could do was look at them. The doctor told the nurse to go get a stretcher. When she got back, the doctor and nurse helped me onto the stretcher and pushed me back to the hospital. The next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital room. The sun was shining and Brad was sleeping in the chair next to my bed. I learned later that I had been in some sort of coma for five days. I’d had a fractured skull and they figured the injury plus the trauma made my brain shut off. It was very strange, because as scared as I was of him that night, when I saw him in the chair next to my bed that day I wasn’t scared. I felt protected. And I knew that I would get through this. I’d make it out the other side and I’d be a different person for it, maybe even a better person. Time heals all wounds they say. God, I heard that so many times during my group therapy sessions. It doesn’t “heal” them, it just fades them. They’re like scars on your soul. And this, this was a major scar. But there he sat and even though I had no idea why he sat there, or even who he was, he gave me something tangible to hold on to. I know that sounds weird,” Kate finished.

  “No, it doesn’t. I completely understand what you’re saying,” Clair said.

  “I must have made a sound because his eyes snapped open. His face looked startled, like he wasn’t expecting me to be awake. I tried to smile at him, but my face was still a mess and I imagined it looked pretty gruesome.

  “He put his hands up and whispered ‘Don’t panic, I’m not here to hurt you.’

  ‘I know. I remember you.’

  ‘How do you feel? Do you want me to buzz the nurse?’

  ‘Not yet. What’s your name?’

  ‘Brad. I’m Brad.’

  ‘Thank you Brad.’ Some tears escaped then and when he saw them he panicked. He pressed the buzzer on the bed remote for the nurse. When she came in and saw me awake, she immediately went back out for the doctor. Brad started to get up, but I asked him to stay. He was the only familiar face I knew. He asked if he could call anyone for me and I asked him if he’d call my sister, Georgie. Of course, ironies of ironies, my mom and dad were still in the hospital but they had no idea that I was there too. They hadn’t really worried too much when I never answered the phone, they knew about my term papers and finals and I was notorious for avoiding all distractions when I need to. Anyway, I gave him Georgie’s name and number and when the doctor came in, he slipped out to call her. He came to see me everyday that I was at the hospital. He came to see me everyday when I went home. He would sometimes cook for me, he’d go to therapy with me, he’d go grocery shopping with me. We were inseparable. It was just natural that we get married. So we did. Exactly one year after my attack, we got married.” Kate smiled dreamily as she brought back the day of their wedding. “I picked the day. Brad wasn’t sure at first. He didn’t think it would be smart to have our wedding anniversary on that same day. But I told him that even though that was my absolute worst day, it had also been my absolute best day. It had brought him into my life. And that, well, that was something to celebrate.” Tears began to pour down Kate’s face. She reached for the tissue that Clair held out to her. “I just wish I knew why. Why did it change?”

  “That is an incredible story,” Clair said softly. “You both have a lot invested in each other. Are you sure you want to do this?” Clair asked again.

  “I don’t see any other way,” Kate said sadly. “Going back and reliving that. It brings back all the best memories. All of our best times. But he doesn’t want that anymore. He’s different. He’s not that man anymore. I don’t know why. It was a little more than a year ago. Right after we found out I was pregnant. Brad’s always been a little moody at times. He explained them away as his “moments of panic,” when he’d relive my attack. Sometimes it was his moments of panic and other times he was just grumpy. Then he started having nightmares and in those nightmares, he never got there in time to save me. We started going to therapy together since we were now both having nightmares. The therapy helped and we gradually stopped going. And then the nightmares came back for him. But this time, it wasn’t just me being attacked. He was picturing me pregnant and being attacked or sometimes I’d be walking to my car with the baby in my arms. I suggested therapy again, but he didn’t want to go. He said they’d go away, that it was so easy to explain. Just old fears resurfacing and mingling with new fears. So I let it go. The closer and closer I got to delivering, the worse the nightmares got. He started sleeping on the couch. And then one day he came home from work and it was like a switch had been thrown. He was rude. He was critical. He would ignore me. He stopped sleeping in our room, preferring either the couch, or later, his office. He stopped coming home for dinner. Most nights, he’d wait until I was already in bed. And then he’d be gone before I was up in the morning. I’d see him briefly on the weekends. He wouldn’t talk to me. I begged and pleaded for him to tell me what was wrong, but he just ignored me. I loved him so much and I couldn’t find a way in. I couldn’t reach him. And then it was time. I went into labor. I called his cell, his work, his friends. No one knew where he was and he wasn’t answering his phones. I called my sister. She and I went to the hospital. Her husband tracked Brad down. He was at home, drinking. Tim dragged Brad to the hospital. Brad made it just in time to see Mary born. I remember feeling so thrilled that he made it in time. He’d held my hand, he’d gazed at Mary. Had brushed his fingers over the downy softness of her hair. He’d even held her once they’d cleaned her up. And when they moved me to my private room, he would just hold her and gaze at her. He’d look at me and sometimes there would be tears in his eyes. He’d sit with me on the bed and we’d hold hands and just stare at her. I thought things were back to normal. I thought that maybe all that had happened had just been him freaking out and not being able to talk about it. Until we went home from the hospital. And it all started again. I’d ask him to hold her while I heated her bottle and he wouldn’t. I’d ask him to hold her while I went to the bathroom and he wouldn’t. I’d ask him to watch her while I took a shower. He’d tell me to get a babysitter. I was exhausted and I knew she could feel the tension. She was fussy a lot and it irritated him that she cried so much. She didn’t sleep well unless he was out of the house. I didn’t sleep well unless he was gone. It had all flipped. There had once been a time when I couldn’t sleep unless he was there. And now, I couldn’t sleep unless he was gone. I couldn’t even relax unless he was gone. So, I packed our things and left him. And now, here I sit, ready to divorce him. I’m scared to death. But I see no other option.”

  Clair took Kate’s hand in hers. “That’s where I come in. I’ll be here for you every step of the way, Kate. And I’ll do my absolute best to try to keep this out of the courts. Have you thought about any of the details?”

  “The only detail I’ve thought of is whether he’ll sign away his rights to Mary. If he’s going to continue being the way he is, then I don’t see why he should get a say in anything regarding Mary.”

  “If you do that. If you allow him to sign away his rights to Mary, you’ll get no child support.”

  “I know. And I’m okay with that.”

  “Okay. What about alimony?”

  “No alimony.”

  “I assume you want sole custody of Mary. Do you want to come up with a visitation schedule?
”

  “A visitation schedule? Isn’t that contradictory to him signing away his rights?”

  “Yes, but it’s best if we have all the angles ironed out before we serve him with the divorce papers.”

  “Oh, in case he decides not to sign away his rights, I understand. Well, I hadn’t really thought about any visitation schedule. What is normal?”

  “Usually, the non-custodial parent will see their child once or twice during the week and then the parents will switch off weekends, holidays and school vacations – which of course doesn’t apply yet.”

  “That sounds fine to me.”

  “Okay.” Clair asked Kate more questions, scribbling notes as they went along. Kate breathed a sigh of relief when Clair said they were done. “I’ll have my assistant type up the documents. I’ll need you to come back tomorrow to sign them and then we’ll have them delivered to Brad.”

  “Okay. I can swing by on my lunch break tomorrow. Do you mind if I bring Mary with me?”

  “Not at all. You won’t be here long, just long enough to sign the papers,” Clair assured her.

  Kate stood up and shook Clair’s hand again. “Thank you so much. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Chapter Seven

  Kate was a nervous wreck. She’d been disorganized and distracted all morning. Twice Erin had to poke her head out of the office and ask Kate if she was going to answer the phones. She’d even misplaced Erin’s presentation this morning. They both had been searching Kate’s space when Kate had discovered the presentation in the recycling bin. “I’m so sorry, Erin.”