To Love Twice

by McCoubrey, Heather

  “I know and it’s fine, Kate. I know today is impossible for you. Why don’t you go to lunch early. Get Mary, enjoy some lunch and then go sign the papers. You won’t have your head on right until it’s done.”

  “You’re sure?”

  Erin laughed. “I’m sure. I’ll be in the meeting anyway and last I checked the voicemail system was still working.”

  “Alright. I’ll see you later this afternoon. Thank you.”

  Erin turned to leave. When she got to the door she turned back. “Kate, if you get done with those papers, and you’re wrecked, please take some time off and go home. I honestly can live without you for the rest of the day. Sometimes the best place for us is in the comfort of our homes. So if you need to, just go home after. I’ll understand.”

  All Kate could do was nod. She could feel the tears threatening and her throat felt swollen shut. Erin smiled at Kate and then walked away. Kate stared after her and again wondered what she’d done to deserve this job and Erin. Somewhere along the way they’d become friends.

  After tidying her desk and locking her computer, Kate put on her jacket and grabbed her purse. She called the daycare to tell them she was on the way and then walked to the elevators. She would do as Erin had suggested. She’d get Mary, grab some lunch and then go to Clair’s office. She wasn’t incredibly hungry, but she thought a nice bowl of Cheddar Broccoli soup from Panera’s might be enough to get her through the rest of the afternoon.

  “Kate Walker for Clair Forbes,” Kate told the receptionist.

  “Please have a seat, I’ll let Ms. Forbes know you’re here.”

  “Thank you.” Kate walked over to the chairs and sat down. She unfastened Mary from her car seat and took off Mary’s jacket, placing it in the car seat. Mary’s legs were getting stronger and she loved to balance on Kate’s lap. Kate would hold her upright and Mary would bounce and stand on Kate’s legs. Today it seemed that Mary was more interested in her surroundings than balancing on Kate’s legs. There was a picture behind Kate’s head that had captured Mary’s undivided attention. Kate turned to look at it and could understand why. It was a modern abstract painting with circles, squares and triangles all colored red, white and black. Kate was having a hard time keeping Mary’s hands away from the painting and was happy when Clair’s assistant Sara arrived.

  “Hello Kate, sorry to keep you waiting.”

  Kate smiled. “Not a problem. Although I may have to take this painting home with me. Mary seems to love it.”

  Sara laughed. “I’ll let Clair know. No one would miss that painting, I’m sure. I mean what’s it even saying? Squares, circles and triangles, that sounds more up Mary’s alley than ours.”

  “You’re right. What’s wrong with you guys? Art for babies in your reception area. What kind of statement are you making?” Kate and Sara laughed. Sara led Kate into Clair’s office.

  “Clair is stuck in a deposition, but asked me to get you to sign the paperwork. She also wanted me to ask you one last time. Are you sure you want to do this?”

  Kate sighed. She’d kept herself up most of the night wrestling with this same question. After spilling her guts to Clair yesterday, the memories had been swirling around in her head, unwilling to go back into their box in her mind. She’d reminisced while she drank some wine after putting Mary to bed. She’d gone back and forth and all she could come up with was ending it. There wasn’t anything left in her that pointed toward any hope of reconciliation. The Brad she’d fallen in love with was gone and Kate wasn’t willing to risk Mary’s happiness and well-being on waiting to see if the old Brad came back. If not for Mary, Kate’s answer may have been different.

  “Yes, I’m sure. But before I sign the papers, I just have one question. What if these papers snap Brad out of wherever he’s been? What if he wants us back? What happens?”

  “This is more of a question for Clair. Let me see if she can be interrupted to come talk to you or at least give me the answer.”

  “Okay, thank you.” Kate chided herself for being weak enough to ask that question. It didn’t hurt to know all the angles, but at the same time Kate couldn’t see Brad changing. And she was just setting herself up for a bigger fall when he didn’t come crawling back.

  Sara returned quicker than Kate expected. “She said if that happened and you wanted to stop the divorce, we could do that. She did say however, that it was her opinion if it did happen, that you contact her immediately. She said sometimes it’s a trick. Not that Brad would do it, but that she’d seen it once or twice happen to a client. She said the best thing would be counseling before dropping the divorce entirely.”

  “Thank you, Sara. I just wanted to make sure there was an out if needed. I doubt there will be, but you never know. Where do I sign?”

  “I’ve marked all the spots that need your signature. Here’s a pen. Do you mind if I hold Mary while you sign the paperwork? I’m in desperate need of a baby fix,” Sara smiled.

  “No, not at all. Do you have children?” Kate asked.

  “Yes, three of them. One in college and the other two are in high school. It’s been so long since I held a baby and I know it’ll be even longer before I hold a grandchild. I have all boys. They aren’t notorious for marrying early and having babies,” Sara laughed. “I live vicariously through other people’s babies. Oh! I miss that baby smell. I wish it could be bottled,” Sara sighed.

  “Yes, I know what you mean,” Kate smiled. She watched Sara dance over to the windows to show Mary the view. Kate watched Mary’s reaction for a minute and then got to work signing the paperwork. After signing, she flipped back through the pages to make sure she got them all. “I think I’m all set here, Sara. Do you want to double check my work?”

  “Yes. Clair will not be happy if we have to call you back in,” Sara said. She snuggled Mary closer. “Oh, I don’t want to give her back to you. She is such a darling!” Sara handed Mary back to Kate. “Thank you for sharing her.” Sara looked through the paperwork and couldn’t find any spot Kate missed. “This looks good. I’ll leave it on Clair’s desk. She’ll review it again just to be sure. If it’s good to go, it’ll be delivered to Brad today.”

  “Wow. Today? Is that normal?”

  “Yes. It’s best to get these things out and rolling.”

  “Makes sense,” Kate said as she gathered up her purse. She’d left the car seat out in the reception area. “Thank you for your help. Will I hear from Clair soon?”

  Sara walked Kate out to the reception area. “Yes, as soon as Brad’s lawyer contacts Clair, she’ll let you know. If Brad calls you, just refer him to Clair, especially if he’s not being nice.”

  “Okay. I will.” Kate put Mary’s jacket on her and then buckled her into her car seat. She picked up the car seat and purse and shook Sara’s hand. “Thanks again. I’m sure I’ll talk to you soon,” Kate smiled.

  “Take care, Kate.”

  Kate walked slowly to the elevators. She couldn’t get a handle on her emotions. She was sad, relieved, angry, and happy all at once. It wasn’t until she had Mary in the car and herself buckled in that the tears came. A steady stream of tears rolled down her face. She rested her head on the steering wheel and let them wash through her.

  A light knocking on her window jolted her. She looked up and saw a petite woman looking at her curiously. “Are you okay, dear?” The woman asked through the window.

  Kate quickly rolled down the window. “Yes, I’m fine. Thanks for asking. It’s been one of those days,” Kate explained.

  “Oh, I know what you mean. Take care,” the woman said.

  Kate started her car and decided that the last place she wanted to be was back at work. She headed for the comfort of home.

  As she drove home, her thoughts continued to be dominated by Brad. She admitted to herself that she missed him. Missed him so much it was a constant ache in the center of her heart. She missed their chats, missed snuggling with him on the couch watching movies, missed lazy weekend mornings.

&
nbsp; She tried to figure out where it all went wrong. She probably wouldn’t be able to fix it, but if she just knew, she might have a chance at fixing it. All she wanted, truly wanted, was her life back. Her husband, her baby’s father. What had gone wrong?

  She pulled into the parking garage and hurried to the elevator with Mary. Kate called Georgie to tell her it was done, the papers were on their way to Brad. Georgie offered Kate her sympathies and a shoulder to cry and/or vent on. Kate declined, preferring to be alone with Mary until she went to bed. Then Kate planned to drink a tall glass of wine and soak in the tub before going to bed herself. Because really all she wanted was this day to end. All she wished for was to wake up from this nightmare.

  Chapter Eight

  Brad opened his door to a messenger. His heart lurched as he realized what the messenger held out to him. “Sign here, please.”

  Brad signed on the line. “Thank you.” Shutting the door, he opened the envelope and pulled out the papers. She had finally done it. Kate had filed for divorce. He sat heavily on his bed and cradled his head in his hands. It was better this way. Better that Kate hated him and Mary didn’t know him. Kate could move on, meet someone new and live a long happy life. Whoever Kate chose to enter her life would treat Mary the way she deserved to be treated. As a daughter. All Brad would have given her was heartache and pain.

  Slowly, he raised his head. The pain in his heart was intense. He had wanted to wait. Wait until Kate gave up on him. And now that the time had come, he could finally end all his pain. Forever.

  He laid back on the bed. Closing his eyes, he relived the past ten years. God, he missed Kate. The night he found her. The long scary days in the hospital waiting for her to wake up. The blissful and bittersweet year after the attack. Their wedding. Their honeymoon. Their home. The minutes, hours, days, weeks and years in between then and now. He’d been lost and alone when Kate had entered his life. She’d filled it so perfectly that a day hadn’t gone by his cup didn’t spill over from happiness.

  And then he’d visited the doctor. It had been a week after they’d found out Kate was pregnant. God, she’d been so beautiful. And they’d celebrated the news with a lovemaking marathon that lasted two days. Blissful. He was so happy. He didn’t even care what sex the baby was. So long as it was healthy, it would be perfect. He’d been looking forward to being a father. To prove that it could be done right. To prove that he wasn’t anything like his father.

  Then he’d received news he’d never wanted to hear. Cancer. Stage four. Terminal. And so, he’d had to be strong. Strong enough for all of them. Kate would have wanted him to fight. He could picture how she’d be, in his face, demanding that he fight. Fight for her, fight for the baby and fight for himself. For their life. Their precious life.

  He couldn’t though. He never told her the diagnosis. Of course, she hadn’t been aware that he’d even gone to see the doctor. The doctor gave him a year, two at the most. He’d given Brad the standard lines about treatment. But they both knew the truth. No matter what they did treatment wise, Brad was still facing a death sentence. And he wasn’t going to impose that on his wife and new baby.

  So he started pushing her away. But she clung to him and their life. She let him off the hook so easy, and so he’d had to kick it up a notch. She just wasn’t getting it. She wasn’t letting him push her away.

  He allowed himself a minute to imagine what Mary looked like. She was almost six months now. She was probably sitting up, rolling over and maybe even crawling. He bet she looked just like her mother. She’d be a beauty for sure. He stifled a sob at the thought of never seeing her grow up. Watching her graduate. Walking her down the aisle on her wedding day. Of holding his grandchild. Of growing old with Kate.

  The pain of those thoughts tore through his soul. He curled in on himself to hold it at bay. It would never ease. This intense pain of loss. And now that Kate had given up on him, he could finally find peace in the end of his life. He knew it was near. The pain in his head was never-ending, no amount of pain pills dulled it. His vision was blurry most of the time and he had no appetite, which showed in the fifteen pounds that had disappeared off his frame in the past couple weeks.

  Brad rose from the bed and went to his dresser. Collecting the letters he’d written over the weekend, he put them in his pocket and walked to the kitchen. Michael was supposed to stop by soon and Brad could imagine the earful he was going to receive, especially once Michael found out about the divorce papers. He didn’t have the energy for the visit tonight, but Michael would show, come hell or high water. Brad grabbed a beer out of the fridge and walked out onto the back deck. He sat down heavily in the deck chair and took a sip of his beer. From his shirt pocket he pulled out the one thing he’d kept. It was a picture of Kate, Brad and Mary at the hospital, minutes after Mary had been born. Closing his eyes, he kissed the picture, and tears streamed down his cheeks. He missed them so much, time didn’t ease the pain. It only increased the pain.

  Brad leaned his head back against the chair and gazed into the sky. Twilight was settling in, darkening the sky and washing the clouds in a rainbow of beautiful colors. Brad’s eyes were drawn to the first star of the night. Smiling slightly, Brad remembered Kate’s penchant for making a wish on that first star every time she saw it. Brad closed his eyes and made his own wish on the star. He wished for Kate to forgive him and for her and Mary to find happiness.

  He lifted the bottle to his lips, cursing when it slipped out of his fingers and crashed to the deck floor. He sat up to retrieve the bottle and was blinded by pain exploding in his head. Falling back against the chair, he tightened his hold on the picture. He raised it to his lips again and then allowed the darkness to take over.

  “Brad?” Michael called as he prowled through the house, turning on lights. “Brad, where the hell are you?”

  Michael opened the screen door and froze. “Brad,” he whispered. His eyes raced over his brother and took in the scene. Brad was slouched in the deck chair at an odd angle, eyes closed. The beer bottle shattered on the deck floor. He reached into his pocket and dialed 911 as he moved through the door and put his fingers to Brad’s neck.

  “911, what’s your emergency?”

  “I need an ambulance at 145 Willow Lane. There’s something wrong with my brother.”

  “I’m sorry, there’s nothing we can do.”

  “I don’t understand,” Michael said to the doctor. “I had no idea he was sick.”

  The doctor nodded. “I know, it was his wish. We diagnosed him with an inoperable brain tumor a little more than a year ago. By the time we saw him it was already Stage Four. He’s been managing the pain with pills.”

  “Why wouldn’t he get some sort of treatment?”

  “Because he knew it wouldn’t help. I asked and asked. He didn’t want anything. He said he was staring at a death sentence, no matter what we did.”

  “Stubborn ass!” Michael fumed.

  “We can make him comfortable with morphine until he passes. I doubt it will be long now.” The doctor reached into his coat pocket and removed some envelopes and a picture. “These were with him when they brought him in, I thought you’d want them.”

  Michael took the envelopes and quickly scanned them. Four envelopes all addressed to a different person. One for Michael, one for their sister, one for Kate and one for Mary. “Shit,” Michael whispered to himself. “He’s put his affairs in order. He knew.”

  Michael stuffed the envelopes in his coat pocket and looked down at the floor. Taking a deep breath, he let it out slowly, giving the emotions a chance to pass. “Can I see him?” Michael asked in a ragged voice.

  “Yes. He won’t be conscious, but it’s a good time to say your goodbyes.”

  The ringing of the phone woke Kate from a fitful sleep. She couldn’t quite grasp what she’d been dreaming, though she knew it hadn’t been good.

  “Hello?”

  “Kate? It’s Michael.”

  “Michael?” Kate glanced at the c
lock and sat up. “It’s two in the morning, Michael. What’s wrong?”

  “Come to the door, Kate. I’m outside. Please let me in.”

  “I’ll be right there, give me a second.” Kate pulled on her robe and went to let her brother-in-law in. Soon to be ex-brother-in-law. Kate peeked out the peephole to ensure Michael was alone. She unlocked the door and opened it. “Michael? What’s going on?” She led him over to the couch and sat down next to him.

  He took hold of her hand. “Kate, it’s Brad. He’s…he’s gone, Kate.”

  Kate’s face paled and she squeezed his hand. “Gone? What do you mean, gone?”

  “Kate, he died tonight.”

  “Died? Michael, are you sure? What are you talking about?” Kate snapped angrily. “What’s really going on, Michael?”

  “Kate, look at me,” Michael said sharply. “Kate, he’s gone. I-I saw him.” Michael closed his eyes. His voice dropped to a whisper that Kate could barely make out. “I found him, Kate. We had plans tonight. We were planning to go out and get a drink. I planned to grill him about you two and kick his ass a bit for letting you go. But then I ended up having to work late. I left him a message on his phone and told him I’d be late. I got to the house around ten. It was dark, and I didn’t think anything of it. I figured he was out on the deck drinking a beer,” Michael hung his head, shook it and relayed all that had happened that evening, ending with passing her the envelopes that Brad had left behind for her and Mary.

  She barely looked at the envelopes, dropping them on the couch next to her. Kate flung his hand away and stood up, her eyes darting around the room.

  Michael stood with her and placed his hand on her shoulder. “Kate, please sit down. Can I call someone for you?”

  Kate eyes stopped darting and settled on Michael’s, widening slightly. “Oh my God, you’re serious? He’s dead?” She asked in a whisper. “NO! Michael, NO! NO! Stop it. Stop this! He can’t be dead, Michael. I still love him. I’d know.” And just that quick her dream, no nightmare, came back to her. Brad standing in front of her. Clutching a photo of the three of them and telling her goodbye. ‘I’m so sorry I had to hurt you, Kate. I love you. I always have and I always will’, he’d whispered right before the ringing of the phone had woken her up. Kate reached out, grasping at the air. “NO!” she whispered. “NO!” Dimly she heard Michael calling her name. She couldn’t focus. The room was spinning and she couldn’t focus. He was gone? How could he be gone? What had she done? Why? Her mind couldn’t grasp it and then it all went black.