To Love Twice

by McCoubrey, Heather

  “Kate? Honey? Open your eyes,” Georgie said as she patted Kate’s cheeks.

  Keeping her eyes closed, Kate whispered “Brad’s gone. He’s never coming back.”

  Georgie took Kate’s hand in her own. “I know, baby. I’m so sorry.”

  “Why didn’t he fight?” Kate shook her head. “I can’t focus, Georgie. I can’t open my eyes, because it’ll be real then. I don’t want it to be real, Georgie.” Tears started to leak through her eyelids. It didn’t take long for them to become giant racking sobs. Kate curled herself into a ball.

  Georgie laid down next to her and wrapped her arms around Kate. Rubbing Kate’s back, she whispered “Let it out, let it out.”

  Kate had no idea how long they lay like that. Slowly, reality crept back in. She wondered where Michael was. Had he left after calling her sister? She assumed he called Georgie. “How did you find out?”

  “Michael called in a panic.”

  “How long have I been out?”

  “Well, it took me fifteen minutes to get here.”

  “Is Mary still sleeping?” Kate’s heart broke thinking that Mary would never have a chance to know her father.

  “Yes,” Georgie whispered.

  “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to feel. I still can’t focus on it. It hurts so much.”

  “I know it does. You don’t have to think of it yet. Just stay put. You don’t need to rush into it.”

  Kate squeezed her eyes tighter. Could she have done anything? Could she have prevented this? Oh, how was she going to make it through this. It was impossible. Impossible to open her eyes and face reality. To face her life without Brad. To know that he was never coming back. There was no hope that they’d find each other again. It was well and truly over.

  It rained the day of the funeral. Kate found this a fitting predicament. She’d been crying all morning. Kate’s mother had come to watch Mary while Kate attended the funeral. She didn’t want Mary around so much sadness. The service had been beautiful. Michael had planned most of it. He’d asked Kate to help him, but she’d turned him down. She could barely take care of herself and Mary for the grief, there was no way she would have been able to help with the arrangements. Michael had thankfully understood.

  Erin had told her to take as much time as she needed. Kate would have loved to bury herself in work, but she could barely get herself out of bed. All of her energy went to making sure Mary was taken care of everyday. It had only been a week since Brad died, but she’d lost enough weight that her clothes hung on her frame. Dark circles were a permanent addition to her eyes.

  Kate walked slowly down the hall to her apartment. She walked in and closed the door behind her, closing her eyes and leaning up against the door. More tears fell unchecked down her face. They were never-ending.

  “Kate, dear?”

  “Hi Mom,” Kate whispered.

  “What can I do, Katie?”

  “I don’t know, Mom. I don’t know how to get past this. Time, I suppose. Isn’t that what they always say?”

  “Oh, Katie – I hate to see you in so much pain. You’ve had more than your fair share already.”

  “My lot in life, I guess. Do you mind staying for a little longer? I want to take a bath. I need to pull myself together.”

  “Of course, dear. I’ll stay as long as you need me. I found two envelopes stuck in the couch cushions. I left it on your bed.”

  Kate nodded her thanks and walked down the hall to her bedroom. She picked up the letters and read the front of the envelope. One was addressed to her and one to Mary. Kate’s heartbeat sped up. She dropped the envelope for Mary back on the bed and took hers to the bathroom with her. She started her bath, making sure the water was hot and fragrant.

  When the water was ready, she sank down into the water and sighed. She rested her head against the pillow and closed her eyes. Letting her mind wander where it wanted. Memories of Brad and their life played through her mind and abruptly, she remembered the letter. She reached for it and opened the envelope. Pulling the letter out, she tossed the envelope aside. Her heart racing, she opened the letter.

  Dear Kate,

  I don’t even know how to start this letter. I miss you so much it hurts. I am so sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. Please believe me when I tell you it was better this way and I was only thinking of you and Mary.

  I was diagnosed with cancer a week after we learned you were pregnant with Mary. It was already Stage 4 and nothing could have been done. It was a death sentence. I knew you’d fight, tooth and nail, for my life. And I couldn’t let you do that. I couldn’t let you waste the energy and time…when it would be all for nothing anyway. The doctor gave me a year to live.

  At first, I thought I could keep it from you and we could go on and live our lives until mine ended. You loved me so much and I you. I was falling fast in love with our baby and I hadn’t even met her yet. I knew that if I stayed, I’d never be able to leave. And I knew you’d eventually find out and make me fight. And I couldn’t let you do that, either. I didn’t want to jeopardize Mary’s well-being with the stress of treatments and care that would ultimately have fallen on you. And then once she came, to have her mother’s attention so divided, it wouldn’t have been fair.

  It broke my heart to see the pain I caused you. I would hear you cry yourself to sleep at night and that’s when I started sleeping at the office. I had to stay away or I’d confess everything. The day you left, it was the worst day of my life, but I knew it was for the best. You had to believe it was completely over, that I didn’t care you were leaving. And that was the day my life ended for me. All I had to do was wait it out, wait for you to file for divorce.

  I am so sorry for everything. Know that if it had been possible, I would have been with you until we were old and gray. I’ll love you forever.

  Brad

  Kate pressed a kiss to the letter. She had her answers, but they didn’t bring her the closure she thought they would. Brad had been right. She would have fought for his life as he’d fought for hers. Their future had been so bright. She could imagine his devastation when he learned of the cancer. An abrupt end to a beautiful life. And now she understood his coldness. He’d been protecting her and Mary.

  As Kate went to put the letter back in the envelope, she noticed more papers inside. She found a copy of Brad’s will and fresh tears rolled down her face. As she scanned the document, she realized that Brad had kept her as his beneficiary. And her jaw dropped when she realized that he’d cashed in his life insurance policy and set up an account for her. At the bottom of the letter was a quick, handwritten note.

  Kate, I didn’t really get rid of everything. I moved it into a storage unit. The code is our wedding anniversary. The house is all yours too, if you want it. All my love, Brad.

  Kate dropped the letters and envelope onto the floor and sobbed. Would the pain never end? She’d found the perfect man, husband and father and now he was gone. Life would never be the same. She’d never be the same.

  As her tears subsided, she splashed her face with water. Kate leaned back onto the bath pillow and closing her eyes, she did the only thing she could think of, something she hadn’t done in a really long time. She prayed. She thanked God for the precious time she’d had with Brad. She thanked God for bringing him into her life. To keep his soul safe and loved until she could join him in eternity. And she asked for peace and healing for herself and Mary. They had a long road ahead and she knew she’d never get through it without His help, love and guidance.

  Chapter Nine

  Kate sighed a little as she glanced out the plane window. They were close to Heathrow airport and she expected to hear the announcement of their imminent arrival any minute. The past five years had been hard. Losing Brad had torn a hole in her soul. She had patched it up as best she could with group therapy and going to church. But Mary had been what kept her going those first months, and was what kept her patched even now. Mary was the light of Kate’s life an
d she shuddered to think what her life would be like without Mary.

  Georgie and Erin had been suggesting lately that she needed to get out there and meet someone. She’d been able to fend off their attempts at matchmaking so far, but it would only be a matter of time before they trapped her.

  Kate wasn’t sure if she was ready to meet anyone new. When she’d married Brad, she had envisioned it for life. Even when she’d served him with divorce papers, she still had held out hope he’d change his mind and want them back. His death had changed everything. Some days, she would wake up and forget for a split second and when the memories came crashing down, the pain would feel fresh and new.

  Those days were fewer and further between now, but she was still unsure. It was a big step. But what made her consider it at times wasn’t Georgie and Erin’s interference. It was the way Mary would sometimes watch a father and daughter play in the park. Or when she’d come home from daycare and talk about all the fathers that picked up their children.

  Kate wasn’t going to lie. She missed the intimacy of a husband. She missed sharing a bed, sharing the shower for some early morning fun. Sharing meals and inside jokes. She missed having someone there to reach the items on the top shelf. Or someone to help bring in the groceries. Someone to snuggle on the couch with. Someone to talk to and share the day with. And she knew Mary was missing out too.

  Kate sighed again and closed her eyes. The only way to deal with it would be to let fate take the reins. Going out and forcing the issue wasn’t how it worked for Kate. Fate had brought Brad into Kate’s life. She was content to let fate bring someone new into her life. And if it never happened, Kate would accept that.

  “Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We will be landing in about twenty minutes. Please return to your seats and fasten your seat belts. We know you have a choice when it comes to air travel. Thank you for choosing British Airways.”

  Kate watched as the flight attendants snapped to action. They came around to take last minute trash, made sure the seats were upright and tray tables were stowed. Kate took out her compact and checked her appearance. She quickly dusted her nose with powder, reapplied her lipstick and fluffed her hair. She replaced her makeup bag in her purse and put it under the seat in front of her.

  The captain touched down with barely a bump. Kate appreciated his smooth landing. It was the one part of flying that always unnerved her. The taxi to the gate was short. Too quickly they were parked and it was time to fight the masses to get her bags and get off the plane…all in one piece. She’d done this trip so many times in the past five years and she understood the mad dash. They’d been on the plane for eight long hours, everyone was ready to stretch their legs and breathe in fresh air. Kate kept her seat until most of the people had deplaned.

  She caught a cab and headed to the hotel in Mayfair, The Washington Mayfair Hotel. Kate loved this hotel. It was so elegant, posh and just beautiful. This was definitely one of the more fabulous perks of working where she did. How often did you find a position that allowed you to travel to one of the world’s greatest cities, work for part of the day and then be free to sight-see and enjoy the city? She thanked God everyday for this position.

  Kate checked in to her room and quickly went upstairs to unpack. She’d arrived two days late because she’d had to get Mary registered for Kindergarten. Kate couldn’t believe it was time for kindergarten, the time had flown by. She certainly wasn’t ready to watch Mary take this next step. Pretty soon she’d be graduating from high school, heading off to college, getting a job and getting married. Pushing these bittersweet thoughts out of her mind before she broke down in tears, Kate headed out to find Erin.

  Kate wandered in to the hotel pub, hoping Erin would be there. Kate enjoyed the hotel pub, the atmosphere was cheery and she always felt at home inside. Not finding Erin in the pub, Kate wandered back out and strolled along the street, stopping to peer into shop windows and enjoy the alone time. She loved Mary fiercely, but Kate was able to admit to herself that having a break every few months was good not only for her own well-being but also for her relationship with Mary.

  As Kate wandered the streets of Mayfair, she reveled in the lovely warm air. She enjoyed walking in London. She loved the hustle and bustle of the the more commercial areas and she loved the quiet streets of the residential areas. She’d read somewhere about a man named Samuel Johnson who in 1777 said, ‘When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford.’ The more time Kate spent in London, the more she could understand what he meant. There really was so much to do here. Museums, theater, food, sports, parks, castles and so much more. Kate figured it would take her at least a lifetime to get through all the things she wanted to see.

  Realizing she was hungry, Kate decided to end her search for Erin and she returned to the hotel pub for dinner.

  The rest of the week flew by and before she knew it, Friday had arrived. She and Erin finished up early and Erin was planning to spend the evening in her room catching up on emails and skyping with her family. The week had been so busy, that she hadn’t gotten a chance to eat at her favorite restaurant. Kate grabbed her purse and quickly walked out of the hotel. Pappagallo’s was a warm, intimate little Italian place. Kate picked up her pace, eager to eat some dinner. As she neared the end of Curzon Street, she looked around in confusion. How had she missed it? She turned around and kept her eyes open.

  She finally found where Pappagallo’s used to be, but in it’s place was a restaurant called Tempo. Starving, Kate shrugged and walked in. It was no longer the dim, intimate restaurant Kate remembered. Now it was a classy, upscale place, with a lot of light. The walls had very little artwork hanging on them and the tables were lined up in twos. The tables were glass and iron and were set with fine china and crystal glassware. To give the tables some color, the chairs were a turquoise suede. The salt and pepper mills were the only thing on the tables that even hinted at Italian cuisine. This did not look promising.

  “May I help you?” The hostess asked.

  “Uh, yes. I’d like a table please,” Kate said.

  “Do you have a reservation?”

  “No, I don’t. Do I need one?”

  “Well, it is recommended, however we aren’t incredibly busy yet this evening.”

  “It’s just me,” Kate smiled. “I’m sorry, but I’m so curious. Can you tell me what happened to Pappagallo’s?”

  “They closed about three months ago. My husband and I bought the restaurant and gave it a facelift. My husband is the chef.”

  Standing in front of her was a woman of Japanese descent. Her black hair fell straight down her back. Her almond shaped eyes were wide-spaced and a deep chocolate brown. Her cheekbones were angled sharply and she had a beauty mark at the corner of her right eye. She wore the traditional Japanese kimono, and Kate wondered what she’d gotten herself into. “Do you serve Japanese cuisine?”

  The hostess smiled. “Not entirely. We serve Italian food with a Japanese flair. Would you care to follow me to your table?”

  “Yes, why not,” Kate shrugged again. She was starving and willing to give the place a chance.

  “Enjoy your meal,” the hostess told her.

  Kate placed her napkin in her lap and looked around. She had to admit that the light coming through the windows was beautiful. It made the crystal on the tables shimmer, casting a million rainbows all over the room.

  “Hello ma’am! Welcome to Tempo! My name is Ricardo and I’ll be your server this evening. Here is our menu for this evening. Our chef is preparing a roasted organic salmon with monk’s beard and salsa verde. Pan-fried scallops with golden beetroot, lemon and chili. And finally we have roasted duck breast with wild garlic mash, green kale, blood orange and red wine. May I get you something to drink?”

  “Yes, please. I’d like a chilled chardonnay and an ice water, no lemon.”

  “I’ll get those for you right away. Would you care for a moment
to review our menu?”

  “Please,” Kate said. She watched the waiter walk away and was surprised at how eager and excited he was about the restaurant, the menu and it seemed, even his job. They must pay well, or he gets incredible tips!

  Kate looked over the menu and sighed a sad sigh. None of the menu items were traditional Italian dishes. She was really craving a hearty lasagna but she didn’t even see that option on the menu. Looking each option over carefully, Kate finally settled on Cappesante. They were pan-fried scallops married with golden beetroot, lemon and chili. Scallops were her favorite seafood, she was curious to see how this restaurant would prepare them.

  While she waited for Ricardo to return, Kate gazed around the restaurant. There were a few couples in the restaurant and Kate wondered if they had ever dined at Pappagallo’s and like her were trying out this new place. She was willing to try this new restaurant, but she missed Pappagallo’s. She wondered what happened to Mama Maria and Papa Don. She hoped they were okay.

  “Here we are ma’am,” Ricardo said as he placed her drinks on the table. “Have you decided what you’d like?”

  “Yes. I’d like the Cappesante, please. I’d also like an order of the roast potatoes.”

  “Certainly. If there’s anything else you need, just let me know.”