Bernard was cold and tired when he finally ran into the lady. All she said before she disappeared was, “You’re almost there!” while laughing.
Finally, he got home, where Leonard had been for quite a while now. He was sent to bed without supper, hungry and alone.
When he went to bed, Leonard was content and happy. For a zombie, he had made a lot of friends that day.
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Cinderella
In a far away kingdom, there lived a small family. Although it was just the three of them, mom, dad, and daughter, they were well off and happy.
Then one day the whole family got deathly ill. Although the father survived, he couldn’t save his wife. As a last minute effort, he was able to turn his daughter into a zombie.
The illness wrecked his business, and he was forced to close shop. He got a job as a traveling salesman so he could support his daughter. Since that took him out of town on many occasions, he found another family to adopt her.
The mother of the family was also widowed, and she had two daughters, so the father thought it would be the perfect match. In fact, it seemed so perfect, he went ahead and married the widow before he left on his next business trip.
But he didn’t realize how self-centered and selfish the family was. The oldest daughter, Hedwig, was tall and long legged. She often wore short skirts just to show off her legs. But all of that did nothing to hide the fact that she was snotty and rude. She never had more than one date, because the boys couldn’t stand her.
The younger daughter, who was still older than her new stepsister, was named Fatima. She was short and stumpy, but she had a big bosom. She often wore so much cleavage that it looked like something inappropriate would pop out the top of her shirt.
But the mom was the worst. She tried to emulate her daughters’ styles, but she had neither Hedwig’s legs, nor Fatima’s bosom. And no matter what anyone said about her girls, instead of teaching them propriety, she would stick up for them.
Into this household, the petite little girl was thrust. Her new stepmom constantly berated her. She was given all of the chores and no time to play or relax, so she was always covered in dirt and soot. Soon, her stepmother and stepsisters started calling her Cinderella. With the ravages of time and the reality of her undead condition, she eventually forgot what her living name had been.
Since Cinderella’s time was often occupied with cleaning the house, she had no friends, not even other zombie children. Instead she took solace in talking with cockroaches and mice. Her best friend was the family cat, who loved her because she was the one that fed him and cleaned his box. Sometimes she thought her friends even talked back to her.
One day, a courier came by as Cinderella was cleaning the front room. When the bell was rang, her stepmother yelled at her to answer the door. But when she saw that the courier was from the king, she yelled at Cinderella for answering the door in such a filthy state.
After he left, the stepmother read out the contents of the scroll to her two daughters. There would be a grand ball this weekend in honor of the, as yet unmarried, prince.
Immediately, their mother took Fatima and Hedwig out shopping for dresses, with orders that Cinderella have supper on the table by time they got home. During supper, in which Cinderella spent cleaning the kitchen while they ate, they did nothing but complain about their new dresses.
“My dress isn’t short enough,” said Hedwig, “and it’s too big.”
“Mine’s too big too,” said Fatima, “and the neck is too high.”
“That’s okay my daughters,” said their mom, “Cinderella can alter them for you.”
So in addition to her regular chores, Cinderella was also helping her stepsisters get ready for the ball. By the end of the week, she hadn’t had a chance to sleep, nevertheless get herself a dress.
She returned to her room with the intention of falling straight to sleep, when she was surprised to discover a beautiful dress on her bed. She picked it up, and a cockroach and mouse skittered out from underneath it. The cat woke up from his sleeping place on her pillow and walked up to her, a beautiful pearl necklace around its neck. “Oh, thank you my friends,” she said to them.
She went another night without sleep fixing and altering the dress and jewelry to fit her. The next day when her sisters said they were going to the ball, she said, “Oh yes, me too.”
“Silly girl,” said her stepmother. “Do you think they really want a zombie among all the beautiful people?” And they left without her.
Cinderella went to her bedroom, laid on her bed, and cried until her cat pawed her on the head. She brushed him away, but he said, “Come on, get up already.”
Her head shot up off the pillow. “What?”
“I said get up,” said the cat. “You’ve got a ball to go to.”
“But you’re talking.”
“That won’t postpone the ball. Now come on, get your dress on.”
Cinderella was still bewildered. “Why have you never talked before?”
“Because I haven’t needed to,” said the cat. “We went through a lot of work getting this dress for you, now get up and get it on, or you’ll be late.”
Cinderella did as she was told. When she sat in front of her mirror, the mice scurried in and out of her blond hair, and soon it was in a beautiful updo. The cockroaches shined her shoes and helped her get her jewelry on.
She looked beautiful, far more so than either of her stepsisters. “But how am I going to get there?” she asked the cat.
“There’s a dog at the limo company that owes me a favor. He’s waiting out front.”
She went outside and slid into the back of the limo, which was driven to the castle by a combination of a dog at the wheel and mice pressing the pedals. The cat lay on the seat next to her. When they pulled up in front of the caste, before she got out, the cat said, “We’ve got to get this limo back by midnight, so be out here before then.”
When Cinderella walked into the ball, all eyes turned her way. She scanned the crowd, and was pleasantly surprised to find many fellow zombies there as well.
Throughout the night, Cinderella rarely had a chance to sit down. She was being asked to dance left and right, by zombies and humans alike. By the end of the night, she had danced with a handsome young male zombie more than anybody else.
They were in the middle of a dance when Cinderella heard the fist bell chime. “Oh no!” she cried. “I have to go!” She broke away from his embrace and ran out the door.
“Wait!” he called out after her. “I didn’t even get your name!”
But she was running as fast as she could down the stairs. Halfway down, she tripped, and she broke her ankle. Broke it clean off. She managed to hobble on her stump and her good foot to the limousine before it took off, leaving her foot behind.
They rushed her home, dumped her out of the car, and sped off. She went to bed and dreamed over and over again of her fabulous night.
The next day she woke up like usual and started breakfast and her morning chores. She overheard her stepsisters talking to their mom about the night before. “There was this little slut that was coming on to all the guys.”
“Yeah, what a bitch.”
Their breakfast was interrupted by someone at the front door. “Go get that, Cinderella,” her stepmother snapped.
She looked through the front door, then called into the dining room, “It’s the king’s courier again.”
“You stupid girl, get your unattractive dead body out of here. You’ll put him off his breakfast.” She shooed Cinderella into the kitchen.
Naturally, Cinderella stood in the doorway so she could hear all of it.
“By royal decree,” said the courier, “Every young woman who was present at the royal ball is required to present her feet for inspection.”
“What?” said the sisters.
The courier sighed, as if he had explained this a thousand times already. “The prince fell in love with a
young lady last night who was called away from the dance early, before he could get her name. As she ran away, she lost her foot.”
“Will you pardon us a minute?” asked the stepmother, and took her daughters into the next room. She got a hacksaw from the shed. “If you haven’t noticed, you have both feet. They’re looking for someone who is missing a foot. We can cut one of your feet off and you can marry the prince!
Hedwig hobbled back out to the front room and displayed her feet to the courier. He brought out a box with the foot inside and compared the two. “I’m sorry, yours is much too long and narrow to match with this foot.”
“Oh come on,” she said. “That foot is starting to rot. Of course it looks a little different.”
Then Fatima hobbled into the room. The courier compared her feet, and said, “I’m sorry, your foot is much too wide to match this foot.”
“My feet are swollen from dancing all night. Of course it looks a little different,” she said.
“Do you have any other young ladies in this house?”
“Not any that went to the dance,” said the stepmother.
“Wait,” said Cinderella.
“What are you doing, silly girl?”
She held out her foot to the courier. “It’s an exact match!” he said. Then she held out her stump, and the foot matched up to it exactly.
Cinderella had her foot sewn back on, and she married the prince.
And they lived happily ever after.
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All the King’s Horses
On a beautiful summer’s day, Hal Dahl sat on top of the wall watching the ocean in the distance.
It was his favorite spot, because no one else would ever climb up there. He could sit by himself in the nice weather, fairly undisturbed. Every once in a while, someone would walk by and yell, “Hal Dahl, you should get down from there. Some day you’ll fall to your grave.”
On this particular day, the pleasant wind blowing from the west picked up, and it blew him over the edge. He grasped at the wall, but he couldn’t stop himself from going over.
As soon as he thought he would hit the ground, his fall was broken by something soft. He looked down to find that he had landed on a passing zombie. In his surprise, he didn’t move right away, therefore pinning the zombie to the ground.
The zombie was mad that the man wouldn’t let him up, so he bit him. Hal Dahl ran off, screaming in terror.
That night, Hal Dahl couldn’t sleep. He tossed and turned with a fever, and he ached all over. When he woke up in the morning and looked in the mirror, he realized he had passed during the night. He was now a zombie.
He was ecstatic. Now he didn’t have to do anything. He could go sit on his wall all day. So back to his wall he went, sat on top, and enjoyed the sun.
A neighbor passed by and said, “Hal Dahl, you should get down from there. Some day you’ll fall to your grave.”
“Ha ha,” Hal Dahl called. “If only you knew!” If he wasn’t scared of falling before, now he really had no fear. Now if he fell, he wouldn’t even die!
Several days later, on a warm but windy day, fearless Hal Dahl climbed atop his wall again. And again, he was blown off the top by a gusty wind. But this time, he hit the ground with a sickening crunch.
His neighbor saw him fall, and rushed over to his aid. Hal’s arm was two feet away, and his leg was across the yard. A nearby dog trotted up with his hand in his mouth. The neighbor tried to reassemble him, and called on his friends for help.
But as hard as they tried, they couldn’t put Hal Dahl together again.
So they perched his torso back up on the wall where he could enjoy the rest of his days.
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The Tortoise and the Hare
“Zombies are better!” the zombies yelled.
“Zombies are just walking bones!” said the humans.
“We’ll prove it,” said the zombies. “We challenge you to a race. One human, randomly picked, against one zombie, randomly picked.”
“You’ve got a deal,” said the humans, with their fingers crossed behind their backs.
The zombies organized a lottery. Every zombie that was interested put his name in. A week before the race, they pulled a name out of the hat. Franklin Atherton, an elderly shuffling zombie, was randomly picked to be their representative in the race.
On the human side, they let people submit their names. Out of all the names submitted, they picked the best athlete, Keith Jacobs, to compete against the zombies.
On the day of the race, the humans and zombies assembled at the starting line. The zombies brought signs and wore t-shirts to root Franklin Atherton on. Keith Jacobs’ clothing was covered with sponsorship logos.
The zombies brought handheld video cameras, the humans brought news crews. Zombies stationed people along the route, humans had blimps and planes and helicopters and high speed cameras so they wouldn’t miss a second of the action.
The green flag was waved, and the racers were off. Keith Jacobs started off at a sprint for the first two miles. Franklin Atherton shuffled on.
Keith Jacobs stopped to film a commercial. Franklin Atherton shuffled on.
Keith Jacobs stopped to sign autographs. Franklin Atherton shuffled on.
Keith Jacobs wooed one of his female fans, and they went off to spend a romantic time together. Franklin Atherton shuffled on.
The media found out that Keith Jacobs was married, and the televised the scandal. Franklin Atherton shuffled on.
The woman that Keith Jacobs had been with sued for sexual harassment. Franklin Atherton shuffled on.
Then, Keith Jacobs was informed by his agent that Franklin Atherton was nearing the finish line. He ran to the track as fast as he could, but he got there seconds after the zombie crossed the finish line.
Shuffling, undead, and steady wins the race.
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The Three Little Zombies
Three zombies were building their houses next door to each other.
The first zombie ordered drywall and siding from Home Depot and made himself a suburban ranch house. He hired contractors to do all his building so he could sing and dance in the sun all day.
The second zombie cut down trees from the nearby forest and made himself a log cabin. He stacked and mudded the logs so his house was done in no time, so he could sing and dance in the sun all day.
The third zombie got limestone from the local quarry and made himself a stone house. It was hard, heavy work. While the other two zombies were singing and dancing in the sun, he was still stacking the limestone bricks. Finally his house was done when winter came, so he could keep warm by the fire.
Then the zombie hunters came. They went to the first zombie’s ranch house and said, “Come out, come out you evil brain eating zombie. Or else we’ll get our gas, and we’ll get our torches, and we’ll burn your house down.”
“Not by brains in my noggy nogg noggin,” the zombie called out.
So the zombie hunters got their gas, and they got their torches, and they burned the first zombie’s house down. But the zombie got out in time and ran to the second zombie’s house.
Then the zombie hunters were outside the second zombie’s log cabin. “Come out, come out, you evil brain eating zombies. Or else we’ll get our gas and we’ll get our torches, and we’ll burn your house down.”
“Not by the brains in my noggy nogg noggin,” the zombies called out.
So the zombie hunters got their gas, and they got their torches, and they burned the log house down. But the zombies got out and ran to the third zombie’s house.
Finally, the zombie hunters stood outside the third zombie’s limestone house and said, “Come out, come out, you evil brain eating zombies. Or else we’ll get our gas, and we’ll get our torches, and we’ll burn your house down.”
“Not by the brains in my noggy nogg noggin,” the zombies called out.
So
the zombie hunters got their gas, and they got their torches, and they tried as hard as they could, but they couldn’t burn the limestone house down.
They dressed up as a religious group and knocked on the limestone house’s door. But the zombies just yelled, “We’re zombies, we aren’t worried about the afterlife,” and wouldn’t open the door.
Then zombie hunters disguised themselves as Avon ladies and knocked on the limestone house’s door. “Avon calling!” they called out, but the zombies said, “We’re zombies, we don’t wear makeup,” and wouldn’t open the door.
Finally the zombie hunters dressed up as funeral plot salesmen and knocked on the limestone house’s door. The zombies looked through the window and said, “We’re zombies, we don’t need gravestones,” and wouldn’t open the door.
But the zombie hunters wouldn’t give up there. They climbed on top of the roof and tried to climb down the chimney. But the zombies lit a fire in the fireplace, and the zombie hunters couldn’t get in.
While the zombie hunters were trying to get in the house, the zombies called the police. As the hunters were climbing down from the roof, the police pulled up and arrested them for disturbing the zombies.
The zombies filed a restraining order against the zombie hunters, and they lived happily ever after.
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Sleeping Beauty
Justin and Hailey Bowlin wanted nothing more in the world than to have a child.
They tried everything. Hailey had her biological schedule down to the minute and it seemed that their life was dictated by what her body demanded, but they were unsuccessful. They went to a fertility expert and had every test done, yet every attempt to conceive was met with failure.
Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) Page 18