To Have and to Hold

by Riley Knight

  Doubtless, it was supposed to be a chaste little kiss. Just a mere ceremonial gesture. The moment that Justin felt it, though, the moment that he had Ran’s slender body close to his, it was like he lost it.

  Maybe it was just that it had been a long time since he’d been kissed. Maybe it was just that Ran was so beautiful that it actually physically hurt sometimes. Whatever it was, with that kiss, which he knew would never happen again, he sort of lost control.

  Wrapping his arms around Ran, he pulled him even closer to him, and his tongue pushed between the other man’s lips. Maybe in surprise, Ran’s lips parted, and then their tongues met, and the rush of arousal that went through Justin was more intense than anything that he could ever remember having felt.

  Who knew what might have happened if the JP hadn’t been there? He cleared his throat, and Justin pulled away, his cheeks feeling hot. It wasn’t like him to blush, but this was apparently a special occasion in more ways than one.

  Reluctantly, Justin let go of his grip on Ran, and he moved to take his hand, instead. He looked out at the guests at the wedding, all of them smiling and clapping politely.

  Most of them didn’t know that this was a marriage in name only. There hadn’t been time to go into all of that. Ran’s parents knew, and Justin had gotten the impression that they didn’t approve, but that was about it.

  So these people, most of them, honestly believed that he and Ran were in love. That the marriage that they’d just had would last forever, with luck.

  They didn’t know how clear Ran had been that this was only until he had citizenship. How forceful he’d been about that, how it had been a condition of him getting married.

  Nevertheless, they were bound together, if only for now, and that, whether it should or not, meant something to him.

  And so had that kiss.

  * * *

  Justin knew that Ran’s parents didn’t have much of a use for him, but they had definitely gone all out for their only son’s wedding. Maybe it was just that they felt bad about their failure to fill out that paperwork so long ago, but Justin didn’t think so.

  This was, after all, potentially their only chance to do this. Sure, the marriage would be over in a year, but who knew if Ran would even want to get married again?

  So they’d gone all out. They’d rented a room at an expensive, upscale restaurant, the sort of place where Justin had only been a few times in his life. Growing up, there hadn’t exactly been a lot of money kicking around for fancy meals.

  During the party, people kept coming up to them, over and over again, to congratulate them. It was then that the funny side of it started to hit Justin, and to judge by the way Ran’s dark eyes twinkled, him, too.

  There was a table filled with presents, too. It was almost funny. In a terrible way, of course. Justin sort of wondered if he should have asked that people not bring gifts. It didn’t seem fair since this wasn’t even a real wedding.

  But the best present of all came after dinner when Ran’s parents came over to them. They were a nice couple. Justin had always liked them, though he wasn’t sure the feeling was mutual. Just a couple that had always wanted kids, but couldn’t have them, not until they’d adopted Ran.

  “Do you two have plans for your honeymoon yet?” Eric, Ran’s father, asked. He was obviously holding something behind his back, and Anne, Ran’s mother, could hardly contain her excitement.

  Ran looked at him, and Justin looked back. They hadn’t even talked about that. Actually, nothing had really been planned past this point. They had both been absolutely focused on getting to the wedding, and now that they were there, Justin realized that he had no idea what was next.

  “I don’t think we’re going on a honeymoon,” Ran said hesitantly. Justin shook his head. Of course, they couldn’t. How would they afford something like that?

  “Of course you are,” Anne said briskly. She nudged her husband, and he brought a plain white envelope from behind his back. “You’re going to Hawaii.”

  Justin blinked, watching as Ran reached out and gingerly accepted the envelope. His husband (his husband!) opened it and peered inside, only to see plane tickets with the destination of ‘Honolulu’ very clearly written on them.

  “I don’t get it,” Justin said bluntly. He’d never been very good at keeping his opinions to himself, one of the reasons he really wasn’t that great at retail. “You guys know what this is. Why would you …?”

  Eric laughed, giving a little shrug.

  “We were pretty much sure that Ran wasn’t getting married ever. At least we get this.”

  Ran was blushing furiously. It wasn’t easy to see, given his golden skin, but his cheeks were a little bit pink, Justin was sure of it.

  “Dad!” he hissed, and Justin got a glimpse of what his introverted, calm, thoughtful best friend must have looked like as a teenager.

  Justin, meanwhile, nodded. That made sense. It wasn’t that they liked Justin so much, it was that they just wanted their son to be married, even if just for a year.

  “Thank you,” Justin said, and he meant it. Deeply and sincerely. He’d never been to Hawaii. He’d never really even been out of Oregon. Part of him found it hard to believe that it could happen at all.

  “We can’t go,” Ran said immediately after his parents had left. “You know that. You have work.”

  Justin glared at him, not even remotely amused.

  “I am not missing the chance to go to Hawaii because I have to flip burgers,” he hissed. This was his one and only, maybe, chance to actually go somewhere, and he wasn’t missing it. “Don’t think I won’t snatch those tickets and go without you. Because I will.”

  Ran frowned. Most people would be a little taken aback, and possibly scared, by the tone of Justin’s voice. Ran just took it in stride. It was remarkably hard to shake him up, actually, which was probably a good thing.

  “Okay, fine. But at least ask for the time off work this time?”

  Justin sighed. He had honestly been planning to just sort of not show up. He was ready to say goodbye to this job, anyway. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d just walked out, and he figured it wouldn’t be the last.

  But Ran’s poor little head would probably explode if he did that, so Justin nodded.

  “Fine,” he said, a little bit grumpy, but it didn’t last. Soon enough, someone grabbed them and dragged them onto the dance floor, and Justin let himself pretend, just for a few minutes, that this was a real wedding, that he and Ran were in love and planning to be together forever.

  Dangerous thoughts, maybe. Or just some fantasies. Regardless, it was fun to move with Ran, to have his arms around the other man and to be surrounded by people who accepted them.

  * * *

  It was many hours later that Justin and Ran stood in the room, which had emptied out, just looking at each other. Around them, the restaurant staff were cleaning up, and while they were unobtrusive, it was very clear to Justin that they’d like to go home.

  Which meant it was time for them to go.

  The only question was, where?

  “Well, now what?” Ran asked, and Justin shrugged. They had talked about having to live together, but that had kind of gotten pushed aside in the rush to get this wedding done and out of the way.

  Well, now it was, and that wedding would all be for nothing if they went their separate ways.

  Justin looked around.

  “Well, we can’t stay here,” he pointed out. The staff were being polite, but Justin figured it wouldn’t be long until they outright asked them to leave. It would be better for them to be gone by then.

  “Back to my place, then?” Ran asked, and Justin nodded. Damn it. He wasn’t used to feeling so awkward with his best friend, and he didn’t like it. But he probably should have expected it, considering that kiss that he’d pretty much forced on Ran.

  He hadn’t expected for that kiss to feel so good, but then, he hadn’t expected a lot of this.

  Would it be better or w
orse if he brought it up? He couldn’t tell. His instinct was always to just go for it, but who knew if this would be one of those times where it was far better to keep quiet?

  So he was quiet as they left. Should he say something? If so, what should he say? Should he apologize for having done it?

  He wasn’t sorry. At all. Even if he should be.

  “It’s been a crazy day,” Ran said thoughtfully, and he even held the door for Justin as they walked out of the restaurant together, leaving behind some no doubt relieved restaurant staff who didn’t have to kick them out.

  “Yeah,” Justin said. It was no less than the truth. “I’ll follow you back to your place?”

  They’d come in two separate cars, from two separate houses. Somehow, that seemed fitting. Now the two of them were somehow going to have to make a partnership work. It was all very symbolic, the way Justin saw it.

  Sighing, he looked around for his car and then frowned. The parking lot was nearly empty. He saw Ran’s car and a few others that probably belonged to the staff who were still in the building.

  Otherwise, nothing. His crappy little car should have stood out like a sore thumb, but it was nowhere to be found.

  “Shit,” Justin commented. Not a great end to the day, he had to say. His car had been stolen. There was no way it had been towed since he and Ran had parked at the same exact time and Ran’s car was still there.

  No. His piece of crap car had been stolen, probably because it had been the easiest car in the parking lot to steal. He didn’t have a security system. His car had never been worth protecting.

  “I guess you’re coming with me, then,” Ran said, and it was comforting to hear his voice. Comforting to have him with him after something so terrible had happened. Even more comforting when Ran put his arm around Justin’s shoulder and tugged him over to his car.

  * * *

  The trip home was fairly quiet.

  At first, of course, Justin was making a call to the police to report his car stolen. Not that he thought that would do any good, but Ran insisted, and Justin figured it couldn’t hurt.

  Once his report had been taken, though, they were both silent. Justin considered turning on the radio, but he was also comfortable just being with his thoughts if Ran was.

  By the time they’d arrived at Ran’s house, Justin had pretty much decided that he wasn’t going to say anything about the kiss. They could just leave it as it was. Ran could make of it what he would. If Justin were very, very lucky, maybe Ran would even see it as nothing more than just a symbol of their wedding.

  When they pulled up to Ran’s house, though, Ran stopped him by gripping his hand when Justin went to reach for the door handle.

  “Look, I think there’s something we … there’s something I need to say.”

  Justin looked at him, waiting. His guilty conscience told him this had to be about the kiss, and as it turned out, he wasn’t wrong.

  “Look, I just wanted to apologize for kissing you like that. I don’t know what came over me.”

  Justin stared at him, not quite sure that he understood. Ran was apologizing to him? After Justin had kissed him like that? It didn’t make any sense.

  His silence seemed to make Ran nervous, and the other man let go of Justin’s hand.

  “I’m sorry,” he repeated and then got out of the car quickly before Justin could even fully process what had just happened.

  Justin watched Ran walk away, and he groaned softly. Damn it. It seemed like Ran just wanted to make it clear that it hadn’t meant anything. Like Justin hadn’t already known that.

  But this was the second sign that Ran had given Justin that made him think that his best friend was trying to warn him against getting too attached. This wasn’t a serious thing, and if Justin thought it was …

  Well, he didn’t. He knew better. Someone like Ran, amazing and so damn smart and gorgeous and funny and really just the epitome of everything that Justin could ever want, wasn’t in his league.

  He was lucky to get friendship from him, and he knew it.

  With a sigh, he got out of the car. Well, that was that. They’d had the discussion. It hadn’t gone the way that Justin might have expected, but it had happened, anyway.

  Very quietly, he followed his best friend and husband out of the car to the back of the house. To the very small basement suite, where the two of them had to live.

  It wasn’t like they hadn’t been in close quarters before, but the fact was, that kiss had made Justin see Ran in a new way. A dangerous way. He’d always found his best friend attractive, sure, but not like this.

  He’d never really wanted to be with him.

  And he didn’t now, either. And it wouldn’t at all be hell to live in the same small space with him and not be able to have him.

  It wouldn’t.

  Chapter Five

  Ran

  At first, after that kiss, Ran had figured it was fine. That Justin wasn’t upset with him. But he’d wanted to make sure, because, well, for the next year, they were going to have to be married. It would just make sense for them to get along as best they could for that time.

  So he’d set out, just for his own peace of mind, to clear the air between them. Only it seemed that he’d somehow made things much, much worse by doing so.

  Justin had been almost completely quiet since they’d come home, and Ran figured that he probably shouldn’t have said anything at all.

  They’d barely exchanged two words. Justin had been getting ready for work in the morning, determined to catch a bus, and Ran had tossed him the keys to his car. That meant he was pretty firmly tethered to his own house and the area, but that was fine.

  There was only one place that he wanted to go. Only one place where he knew he would feel comfortable and safe and where he could let himself just exist without having to think about everything.

  The bookstore.

  He’d worked there on and off for years, and it had always been a place where he could just be. Where no one judged him for being quiet and bookish, where no one cared that he was gay, where the only thing that mattered was that he loved books.

  He had a lot on his mind. He already had the rent set aside for the next month, so that wasn’t a problem, but the month after that definitely would be. Add that to the fact that his husband was acting quite odd, and he could definitely use the escape of a good book.

  Not that he should really be buying books, but he knew Vinnie, the owner of the shop, would be more than happy to give him a discount. Besides, it couldn’t hurt to check and see what they had.

  The moment he stepped into the bookstore, he felt instantly calmer, just like he’d known that he would. He smiled as he looked around, but that smile soon turned to a frown.

  The place was a mess.

  There were books all over the place, not just on the shelves, and he could see, even from where he was standing, that there was no order to how the books that had made it onto the shelves had been stuffed in there.

  Immediately, a sort of proprietary anger went through him. While he’d been working here, this never would have happened. He wouldn’t have let it. It was a used bookstore, so it was never going to be prim and proper, but Ran had at least kept it tidy.

  His fingers itched to get to work, to straighten this place out, though he knew it would take months to fix. It didn’t seem fair somehow. He’d only been gone for … well, he wanted to say a couple of weeks, but it had been a couple of months, hadn’t it?

  Ever since he’d officially graduated and had wanted to focus on his job search full time.

  It was odd, though. There were actually people in the bookstore, all of them looking to be under thirty. That wasn’t normal. Usually, there was, at most, one customer in the place at any given time. The store barely scraped by.

  Something had changed because there were at least ten people browsing through the stacks, which Ran found fascinating. What had happened while he’d been gone?

  “Ran!” A man who loo
ked more like he should be a mechanic than the owner of a used bookstore looked up at him from behind the counter. He had long, curly black hair, receding just a little around the forehead and temples, friendly dark eyes, and a ready grin as he looked at Ran.

  “Hey Vinnie. Who did you sell your soul to in order to get all of these people in here?” Ran grinned as he walked up to his friend and his former boss. Vinnie was a blast to be around. He talked a lot, but that was okay because he also didn’t expect Ran to say much in return.

  “I don’t know. I guess word just got out.” Vinnie leaned in and whispered in Ran’s ear, “Actually, I think it’s just a bunch of hipsters who discovered this place, but whatever. I’ll take their money.”

  Ran laughed. He couldn’t even help it, and it felt good. Well, Vinnie was a good guy, and this unexpected prosperity was definitely well deserved.

  “So how’s the job search going?” Vinnie asked, after a little bit more catching up, mostly on Vinnie’s part. Mostly what he required from Ran was to smile and nod every once in a while. Otherwise, he basically took care of the conversation all on his own.

  “Well, it’s a bit complicated …”

  To Ran’s surprise, he told Vinnie what was going on. Not all of it, but a lot. The part where he wasn’t supposed to work in the United States, where he was struggling to get things together so that he could. How he had only a year.

  Vinnie’s face brightened, which seemed to Ran to be a little bit insulting, at least at first. It seemed almost like Vinnie was happy about what Ran had said, which was a little bit rude.

  “That’s great!” Vinnie said, and Ran looked at him like he’d grown another head. That was just not the normal sort of reaction to bad news being given, and Vinnie might be loud and boisterous but he wasn’t usually an outright jerk.