To Have and to Hold

by Riley Knight

  “Excuse me?” Ran asked, and his voice must have seemed cold and offended because Vinnie gave him a bit of a sheepish grin.

  “No, not about that. I’m sure you’ll figure all that out, though. But until you do, how about you come back and work for me again?”

  Ran blinked. Now that he thought about it, it was perfectly obvious. Vinnie clearly needed him, and he needed a job to pay the rent. And them working together had always worked out before.

  It was really amazing that he hadn’t considered it before.

  With a grin, he reached out and offered his hand to Vinnie.

  “You’ve got yourself a deal,” he said, and though he didn’t say it, he knew Vinnie knew how grateful he was for the opportunity.

  Maybe Ran was saving Vinnie’s ass here, but it definitely went both ways. Until Ran had secured this job, he hadn’t realized just how freaked out about money he was.

  The two men shook hands, and then Ran groaned softly.

  “Wait, hold on. I have to go on my honeymoon soon,” he realized out loud. Which was maybe not a great idea, because he hadn’t even told Vinnie that he’d gotten married.

  “You have to go on what?” the man asked, understandably surprised by that.

  Short of outright lying, there seemed to be very little that Ran could do from there other than to explain the whole situation. Which was a bit of a risk, because while Ran never claimed to be straight, he often didn’t tell people he was gay, either.

  That sort of led to people making their own assumptions, and most people would assume straightness, he’d found. Even on the West Coast, there were biases.

  On the other hand, the people that he did come out to tended to take it pretty easily. Like, for instance, his parents. He had been so worried about it, but his mother had just smiled and told him that she knew. That she’d apparently known for a while. And his father had just nodded.

  So maybe he shouldn’t have been as surprised as he was when Vinnie nodded thoughtfully.

  “That makes a lot of sense. So you and your friend got hitched.” He looked shrewdly at Ran. “When do I get to meet you husband? And why haven’t I already?”

  Ran shook his head, amazed. He needed to start giving people more credit, it seemed. Vinnie hadn’t reacted at all with the fear or revulsion that he might have feared.

  “He doesn’t read, and anyway, it’s not like that. It’s not a real marriage.” It was a risk to tell too many people like that. If he said it too loudly, or to the wrong person, it could potentially endanger him getting his citizenship.

  “Okay then,” Vinnie said, and something about his tone of voice made it seem somehow like he didn’t believe Ran. Which was just ridiculous, but there was nothing in the actual words that he could take exception to.

  Before Ran could decide whether to be offended or not, the other man continued.

  “Well, when’s your honeymoon?

  “In a week,” Ran said, and as he said the words, he realized that he was really looking forward to it. When had he last been on that sort of adventure?

  The answer was never, and that was a little bit depressing. This might be his only chance for quite some time.

  “Well, then. I guess I’ll just have to work you hard every day until then,” Vinnie said a broad smile on his face. Ran grinned back at him, really smiled, in a way that he didn’t usually do.

  “Thank you,” he said, and he sincerely meant it. Oh, sure, he knew that the help went both ways, and he knew that Vinnie would work him hard, just as he said. But Ran had never been afraid of a little hard work, and the money he’d earn would make it possible for him to support himself while he got his citizenship.

  “Tomorrow, 8 a.m. sharp,” Vinnie replied, and Ran nodded. He knew that Vinnie had fired people for being late, but that was just one of the reasons they worked well together, because Ran was never, ever late.

  “I’ll be there,” he said, and then, just because he was feeling in a celebratory mood, he picked out a few inexpensive science fiction novels and walked out of the store feeling about a million times better than he had walked in.

  As he started to walk home, he already had his nose buried in one of his new books. Reading was and had always been, so much easier than dealing with his problems, and in this case, it helped him forget, at least for an hour or two, that his new husband seemed to be upset with him.

  * * *

  After a while, Ran looked up from his book. He’d gotten himself home without incident, and then he’d settled himself on the couch, dimly aware that it smelled like Justin.

  Which made sense, because Justin was sleeping on the couch now. Somehow, he found it comforting. Almost like he was cuddled up with his best friend, and somehow, that made reading, which had always been a safe space for him, feel even better.

  He was starving, he realized, and the day had mostly passed. It was already getting dark out, and given that it was only early September, that was saying something. From the looks of the light, it had to be going on eight o’clock.

  That was the power of a good book, Ran thought wryly. Or even a cheesy, overdone, unrealistic science fiction book, because there was nothing about the book that he’d been reading that could qualify it as ‘good.’ Other than that it had swept him away completely.

  Yawning, he stretched as he got to his feet. He should make dinner. Not that he had much in the fridge, he was pretty sure, but he’d pull something together.

  Actually, it wasn’t as bad as he’d thought. He had lots of veggies and some chicken, all the makings of a great chicken stir fry. Though he would have to go shopping after work tomorrow …

  After work. He couldn’t help but grin. Being out of work had never felt right to him. He’d always hated it. He felt like he should be doing something with his life.

  Maybe it was just an under the table retail job, but it meant something to him, and not just that he would be able to pay his rent and eat.

  As he cooked, he started to wonder where Justin was. After all, his friend had gone to work pretty early and really should have been back ages ago.

  Unless he went back to his own apartment.

  Unless he just couldn’t face coming back to see Ran again.

  That kiss had been a mistake. Only he’d wanted it. Oh, he could lie and say that he had just been doing it so that the marriage seemed more legit, and that was part of it, but not all of it. Not even close.

  Looking at Justin, looking into those stormy gray eyes and seeing those full, pretty lips, it had seemed to Ran like there was no choice but to kiss him. So he had. And Justin had kissed him back, and it had been amazing.

  Even just thinking about it, Ran was smiling. Not only that, but he was hardening and had to reach down to adjust the front of his pants, which were suddenly feeling too tight.

  Not that he really wanted his best friend or anything. But even if he did, the way that Justin was acting made it pretty clear that wasn’t going to happen.

  Justin was straight, or at least, as far as Ran knew, Justin had never been with a man. He’d been with many women, though, so functionally, he was straight. Which meant that the best thing Ran could do, despite these alarming new feelings, was to ignore them and hope that he hadn’t alienated his best friend forever.

  Without even thinking about it, though, he made enough stir fry for the two of them. Justin would be back eventually. Surely he would? Justin wouldn’t just abandon him after promising to help him out with this.

  Still, he was starting to wonder. When it started to get late, when the sun went down, when dinner was done and the leftovers put away, and Justin still hadn’t come, Ran had to think that maybe, just maybe, his best friend had gone back to his own apartment.

  Or, somehow even worse, maybe Justin had gone to someone else’s house.

  Which made Ran wonder, what was this marriage? Under normal circumstances, in the very unlikely scenario that Ran had ever gotten married, he would have expected loyalty out of his husband. He w
ould have expected him to be faithful, and he never, in a million years, would have considered cheating himself.

  But, as he kept reminding himself, this wasn’t a real marriage. Did that mean that Justin thought he could just …?

  Well, if so, it wasn’t any of his business. Right?

  After his solitary dinner, Ran settled down on the couch again to read for a bit. Really, he should be going to bed, but the book was very good, and …

  And he was waiting for Justin to get home. Whether he liked to admit it to himself or not.

  But he had just about given up on that, and had, in fact, just closed his book in preparation for going to his bed, when the door opened.

  It was Justin, and Ran closed his eyes for a second. He was not going to demand to know where the other man had been, damn it. He wasn’t. He didn’t own Justin.

  “I made some dinner, if you’re hungry,” Ran said instead, getting to his feet and carefully marking his place in his book.

  “I ate while I was out with Chelsea,” Justin replied, and Ran tried very, very hard not to feel like he’d just been stabbed in the stomach.

  He’d met Chelsea at the wedding. She was the one person that Justin had invited from his work, and she really was a lovely person. Or had seemed to be, from the very limited contact that Ran had had with her.

  Even being gay, he could tell that she was very pretty. Small and quick and with a ready smile, she looked like some sort of pixie, all big, dark eyes and soft brown curls and sweet lips.

  Justin walked closer, and as he did, Ran could smell the beer on him. It hit him all at once, like a wave, strong and overwhelming.

  So what? Justin had gone out drinking with a pretty girl, and he’d come back late. Not that it was really that late. It was only ten o’clock. For most people, that wasn’t really late.

  “Okay,” Ran said quietly. He wasn’t hurt. Not at all. He also wasn’t wondering if Justin had kissed her, or if he’d gone even farther than that. It wasn’t his business.

  “Goodnight,” Ran said. “I have to go to bed.”

  He wasn’t running away. He just had to work early in the morning. That was all there was to it. He wasn’t at all intimidated by his drunken best friend, who had just been out with a woman.

  He turned to go but was stopped when Justin reached out and gripped him by the hand.

  “What’s the hurry? It’s not that late,” Justin said, and he tugged Ran close suddenly in a way that felt far too intimate. Although surely that was Ran’s imagination. Wishful thinking, based on that brief kiss at their wedding, that was all there was to it.

  “I have to work tomorrow,” Ran breathed, but he was suddenly far too aware of Justin’s warmth as the other man pulled him against him. His warmth and his distinctive scent, which Ran could smell even with the fumes of the beer.

  Ran would have expected some sort of question about that, but Justin just seemed to take that in stride. He laughed softly, then pressed himself against Ran so tightly that Ran could swear he felt something hard against his hip.

  “Just stay up with me for a little while,” Justin murmured, and his hands slid around to rest on the small of Ran’s back, holding him flush against him. Justin shifted just a little and Ran was sure of it. Justin was hard.

  Hard because of that girl, no doubt. Hard and drunk and willing to settle for Ran, maybe. But how much would he hate himself in the morning? Actually, that went for both of them.

  “I can’t. Goodnight,” Ran said firmly, and then pulled away from his best friend, though his body was begging him to stay and check out that intriguing hardness that had been pressed against him.

  God, he’d never been this hard in his life, and there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing other than his own hand, as usual.

  Chapter Six

  Justin

  After Ran had left, Justin was so tired, and so drunk, that he’d immediately laid down on the couch and fallen into a light, fitful sleep. Still in his clothes, and still very, very aroused, it still didn’t take him more than a second or two to pass out.

  But he didn’t stay asleep.

  His dreams were all of Ran. Of kissing him again, of holding him close to him and feeling him yield in his arms. Of taking off his clothes, of kissing every inch of his body, of worshiping him and making him come over and over again.

  It was like that one kiss had opened a floodgate for him. Like this attraction, which he’d always acknowledged but which had always been something that he could push away and ignore, was getting stronger and more uncontrollable all the time.

  In the dreams, there was no reason for him not to go for it. He didn’t have to worry about losing his best friend. He didn’t have to think about anything other than that he wanted Ran, and Ran wanted him.

  It was his jeans that eventually woke him up. Looking down in confusion, he tried to figure out why he felt like he should be naked. In the dreams, he had been, but in reality, his fingers scrabbled over the front of his pants, trying to grope his own cock.

  When he managed to push those jeans down, when he freed his aching, leaking cock, it only took him a few seconds after he wrapped his hand around himself until he was crying out softly in pleasure as he came hard.

  Shit.

  Now that he was awake, he remembered just why he wasn’t allowed to think of his friend that way. Now he had to deal with the fact that he’d had erotic dreams about Ran, and that he’d jerked off after.

  Not to mention that, if Ran hadn’t wisely run off to bed, maybe Justin would have tried to make something happen. Maybe he had already been trying, and Ran had derailed it.

  With the pressure off a little bit, though, Justin found he could sleep. Even if he did briefly have the almost overwhelming urge to go crawl into bed with Ran, he managed to fight it off and fell into a much deeper, satisfying sleep.

  * * *

  Justin had often heard the opinion that things would look better in the morning. After a night of sleep, the things that had seemed so bad the night before wouldn’t seem quite as terrible.

  In this particular case, that was pretty much a steaming load of crap.

  First off, there was the hangover. Once upon a time, he’d been able to drink as much as he wanted, and then get up the next day and work a full shift without so much as a headache.

  Those days were long gone.

  And then there was the whole mess with Ran. He winced as he sat up on the couch, gingerly stretching out cramped muscles. Ran.

  He’d come onto him, and he just had to hope that Ran didn’t think about it too much. Or, if he did, that he would assume it was just the beer talking. Justin would very much like to think that he’d only done what he’d done because of the beer, but really, he knew better.

  On some level, he’d always wanted Ran.

  Well, he couldn’t have him.

  When he glanced at his phone to see the time, he found out there was one more reason why this morning sucked.

  He had to be at work in half an hour.

  Cursing, he seriously considered just calling in, or not showing up. But he had a very good reason to go, given that he’d asked for a week of vacation so that he could go on his honeymoon.

  Today, he would get the answer from his manager. In some ways, it didn’t matter if he got the vacation days or not. Either way, he was going.

  It would be nice not to have to look for a new job, though.

  So he rushed around and sprinted out the door, and as he did, he reminded himself to be grateful. He had a job to rush off to, for one, and for another, he didn’t have to take the bus there. He had a car, thanks to his amazing husband. If things were ever right between them again, Justin would have to remember to thank him for that.

  * * *

  There were only two people at work who even knew that Justin had gotten married. Chelsea was one, of course, and Justin’s boss was the other. Of the two, only Chelsea knew that he’d married a guy.

  So at least Chelsea was, it
seemed, able to be discreet.

  It wasn’t exactly that Justin was ashamed of marrying a guy. He just didn’t want to deal with the grief. He was quiet, and he kept to himself at work, and he didn’t want people who were rude or curious or homophobic or all of the above to be bothering him while he was trying to do his thing.

  During one of the rare times when work was not all that busy, Chelsea wandered back into the cooking area where Justin was working that day. She really wasn’t supposed to be there, but she had been working at the restaurant long enough that she knew just what she could get away with.

  “So, did you get the time off?” she asked, watching him flip burgers.

  Justin shrugged.

  “Don’t know yet,” he said, and one of the best things about her, and the reason that they were friends was that she didn’t take offense. He could be as taciturn as he wanted, and she didn’t take it personally.

  “Hey, get a room, you two,” one of the other workers called out, making everyone snicker. Even Justin was amused, though he felt a little bit ashamed that he didn’t even know the guy’s name.

  Maybe he should make more of an effort, but it seemed like he was rarely around long enough at these crappy jobs to make it worth it.

  Still, he laughed, and when he caught Chelsea’s eye, he laughed some more. People assumed that they were together. As in dating. Which was not something that either of them did anything to challenge.

  Chelsea was cute. Justin could easily see that, even if he saw her more as a friend than as a lover. She had gotten harassed at work quite a bit, and people seeing her as being with Justin cut that down almost to nothing.

  Of course, it was messed up that it was only that which would keep people from treating her like an object, but at least he could help.

  She was fun to drink with, and pretty, and funny, but Justin had never been interested in her like that. He knew that she felt the same about him. They made great friends but would make terrible lovers.