To Have and to Hold

by Riley Knight

  Justin was standing by the stove, a wooden spoon in his hand as he stirred the pot. When Ran entered, Justin turned and gave him a quick grin. That was a good sign, right?

  “Hey,” Justin said. It wasn’t much, but it was something, and more than Ran had thought he was going to get tonight.

  “Hey,” Ran said back, just a little cautious. He was on edge. Things had been weird between them ever since the wedding.

  There was a long pause then, and then Justin spoke again.

  “I made stew.” He turned to look at Ran, his eyes thoughtful. “Where were you all day?”

  The tone of his voice was curious, yes, but was there a hint of possessiveness there, too? Or was that just something that Ran was imagining?

  “I think there’s a lot for us to catch up on,” Ran admitted. He didn’t know about Justin, but it had been an eventful few days for him.

  Justin nodded, then turned back to the food, and Ran very firmly did not look at the other man’s strong, tight body. He especially was not looking at the round curve of his ass.

  He didn’t, really.

  “Okay,” Justin said quietly. “Well, dinner’s ready. We can talk while we eat.”

  * * *

  Setting the table while Justin cooked felt strangely domestic to Ran. Not only that, but he liked the feeling far more than he would have expected.

  Settling down at the table, Ran looked at Justin and wondered who was supposed to start. Maybe Justin was feeling the same because he was just as silent and for a few moments, they both focused on eating.

  “Where were you today?” Justin finally asked, looking up at Ran. He had a weird look on his face like he wasn’t sure he wanted to be asking that question, but it came out somehow anyway. Or maybe that was just Ran projecting since he was holding so much back himself.

  Well, that was pretty much the perfect opening, and Ran didn’t waste it.

  “I got a job,” he said proudly, and then corrected himself. “Well, it’s not a new job, really. I’m back at the bookstore.”

  Justin actually grinned, then reached over the table to clap Ran on the shoulder.

  “Hey, that’s awesome, man!” He frowned suddenly. “But wait, what about …?”

  Ran grinned. He already knew what Justin was going to ask. He liked that. Once upon a time, he’d felt like he had mostly known what Justin was going to say, just because they’d been friends for so long. He’d been missing that.

  “No, it’s okay. Vinnie knows that I’m going away next week. He’s just working me extra hard this week.”

  And boy, was he. Ran had forgotten how much actual physical work it was, hefting books around all day. He rolled his shoulders, feeling the tension there.

  Justin must have noticed. The problem was, Justin seemed to notice most things. He was quiet, but he looked around, and those gray eyes seemed to see nearly everything around him.

  That was why this new, and growing, attraction to him was especially dangerous because there was a good chance that, sooner or later, Justin would notice it.

  In any case, Justin got up, walking around behind Ran and putting his strong hands on his shoulders. Just like that, he started to rub them, those fingers digging into his muscles.

  It hurt. Justin had very strong hands, and he didn’t seem to be holding back. But the relief was immediate, too. Yes, there was pain, but only the good kind. The kind where he needed it, where his muscles were actually relaxing because of it.

  “Oh God,” he whispered, and he shifted forward in his chair to try to give him the best angle that he could. He hadn’t realized how much he’d needed this until he was getting it, and it was perfect.

  “Christ, your shoulders are tight,” Justin commented, and Ran barely heard him. He was too busy floating in a sea of bliss and sensation. His fingers rubbed and kneaded and forced his muscles into submission.

  To his own surprise, he was getting hard. He felt a little guilty about it since he doubted that Justin was going for that, but he was, anyway. He shivered, trying to force it down, but that only seemed to make things worse.

  “I can’t get a good angle. Come lie down on the bed.”

  Ran opened his eyes, fighting back a groan of arousal. That only made the throbbing in his pants that much worse. Justin didn’t know, couldn’t know, just how willingly Ran would scramble into bed if he asked him to.

  “Okay,” he said, then stood up, deliberately facing away from Justin as he led the way to the bedroom. There was little chance, Ran figured, that Justin would notice his erection, but he wasn’t going to take the chance.

  It was a relief to lie down on his bed, stomach down because it hid that hardness from his best friend. He couldn’t even imagine what that conversation would be. How upset Justin would be.

  Or he would laugh, and that would be even worse.

  “Take your shirt off.” Justin’s voice was calm, but there was this undertone of steel to it. Ran closed his eyes once more, fighting down a surge of more intense arousal.

  Justin could tell him to do anything in that tone of voice, and Ran had the feeling he would probably end up doing it.

  Ran sat up just enough to tug his shirt over his head, then settled back down, arms folded and head resting on them. It was a struggle to lie still, to not reach down and touch himself.

  God, he needed the stimulation.

  Instead, he got Justin settling on top of him, his hands once more on Ran’s shoulders. From this position, they could get deeper into the muscles, and that delicious pleasure and pain that was like nothing else went through him.

  Ran buried his face in his own arms and fought back the moan of pure delight that wanted to go through him. Justin was straddling him, but he had his hips just a few inches above the curve of Ran’s ass, so that he could feel the heat but not actually feel the other man directly pressed against him.

  It was so close, and Ran realized at that moment that he wanted it. He wanted it like crazy. He wanted to be fully naked, he wanted Justin on top of him, just as he was now, only naked, too.

  He wanted his best friend inside him.

  If he had thought that there was the slightest chance that his best friend was gay, or bisexual, or into men at all, he would have turned over and kissed him right then and there. It would have been worth it, just to see what would happen.

  Instead, because Ran wasn’t willing to risk their friendship on what seemed like a foolish bet, he had to sit there, trembling on the edge of the most intense arousal that he’d ever experienced, something more than he’d even thought was possible for him. He’d never been the sort of man to be ruled by his passions, but for the first time, he understood people who were.

  In the end, all he could do was pretend to go to sleep. It was utterly laughable that, in such a state, he could actually drift off. The arousal singing through his veins would have made that completely impossible, even if he were ten times as tired as he actually was.

  But it seemed to work. Justin gave his shoulders, now much more relaxed, one further squeeze, and then left the room.

  Once he was gone, it took Ran approximately half a second to tear down his own pants and only a few jerks of his hand to bring himself to a blinding, stunning climax, thinking of his best friend’s face.

  Relieved physically but feeling incredibly guilty, Ran was at least then actually able to let himself drift off.

  Chapter Eight

  Justin

  The rest of the week went sort of like the beginning of it had. The two of them were seldom in the same house at the same time, and there wasn’t a lot of talking. It was sort of sad, but it made a certain amount of sense.

  Justin mourned the closeness that he’d once had with his best friend, but at the same time, it was probably for the best. When he’d had Ran’s body under him, when he was rubbing the other man’s shoulders, the temptation to fall down on top of him, to grind his cock against the tight, hot little ass, was almost overwhelming.

  It was getti
ng harder and harder (pun definitely intended) for Justin to pretend that he didn’t want Ran. That Ran wasn’t increasingly becoming the only damn thing that Justin thought about.

  Marrying the man had clearly been a huge mistake. Part of his brain had apparently assumed that the marriage was more than just a way to get Ran’s citizenship.

  Justin didn’t know how long this might go on. Maybe the entire time he and Ran were married, and then they would just have to see if they even had a friendship at the end of it.

  But there was the matter of the vacation.

  Justin had looked at the tickets that Ran’s parents had given him, as well as the literature that had gone along with it. The tickets were two-way, to Kona International Airport, and then they would have a rental car just waiting for them.

  They would be staying in a little cabin along the coast, just the perfect place for honeymooning newlyweds to stay. And that might be great, if they were, in fact, true honeymooning newlyweds.

  As it was, Justin sort of thought it was going to be hell. Maybe the best kind of hell possible, but still hell. To be around someone that he wanted so badly and not be able to have him, to have there be no chance in hell that this would ever happen, it was going to drive him insane.

  But not going, well, that wasn’t an option, either. This was still the furthest away that Justin had ever had the chance to go, and he wasn’t missing out on it. Besides, it would be incredibly rude to Ran’s parents, who had paid for all of this.

  So he was going to go, but the whole time he was preparing, the whole time he was packing, he kept thinking.

  If this were really their honeymoon, he probably wouldn’t really need as many clothes as he was putting into his bag. They would be naked most of the time. And then that led to him wondering just how Ran looked under his clothes.

  From time to time, Justin had caught glimpses of it. They had lived together in college, after all. But nothing solid, nothing where Justin saw the full length of his body, where he got to look at him and not pretend that he wasn’t.

  He was insane even to be thinking about it.

  * * *

  Justin had never thought that he would make it. The last week at his job had been terrible. It wasn’t so bad having to be on time all the time. He could see the fairness in that, if he was getting paid for being there, he should be there.

  What he wasn’t a huge fan of, however, was how his boss seemed to be hanging over his shoulder constantly. Checking the clock when Justin walked in, for instance. Watching to make sure he cleaned his cooking station properly.

  It was driving him insane, but he’d made it. Somehow, against all the odds, he’d managed to keep from telling the man off, and he’d earned his week off.

  Man, had he ever earned it.

  It was a surprising feeling, though, to walk out of there and know that he’d done his best, and that, as a result, he still had his job. Not only that, but as he’d walked out, his boss had quietly murmured, “Well done,” to him.

  Of course, being patronized was never high on his list of things that he loved, but in this case, it didn’t feel like he was. It felt like his boss was actually impressed. And that feeling, well, it didn’t suck.

  He’d worked an early shift, so when he got back, Ran wasn’t home yet. As was becoming a bit of a habit for them, Justin started dinner. When Ran got home first, he started it, when Justin did, he did.

  He opted for something easy, macaroni and cheese, and then put the casserole dish in the oven. He set a timer and then walked slowly to Justin’s room.

  Why he was there, he couldn’t have said. But he was, and when he saw the bed, he remembered the things that had happened between them. Far too much, and not nearly enough.

  With a groan, he fell down on Ran’s bed. After sleeping on a cramped couch for nights on end, it felt like heaven, and Ran’s scent surrounded him sweetly. He meant to just rest for a second, but a second turned into a minute and then he was out.

  * * *

  The next thing he knew, someone was shaking him awake. The light had changed, and late afternoon had turned into true night.

  “Hey, wake up. What are you doing in my bed?”

  It was Ran, of course. Ran, who was completely justified in asking that question. Justin had never intended for him to know that he’d been here at all.

  “Sorry. Was so tired,” Justin muttered, and just then, the timer for their dinner went off, and he sat up in bed, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

  “Shit,” he murmured, then slid out of bed, running on legs that were still pretty stupid with sleep toward the kitchen.

  Or that was the plan, anyway.

  He only made it a couple of steps. Then his legs, not used to being asked to run after so recently being asleep, gave out. Or maybe there was something that he tripped over.

  Whatever the case may be, Justin fell, right back into bed. Only it was worse than that. He fell right onto Ran’s lap.

  Undoubtedly surprised, Ran’s arms still came up to cradle Justin, to absorb the momentum of his fall. Justin turned a little, nestled firmly in Ran’s lap so that he was looking right into the other man’s eyes.

  Their lips were six inches apart if that.

  The urge to lean in, to close that small distance and to kiss his best friend again was overwhelming. Suddenly, Justin couldn’t fight it anymore. What he would say about it if Ran challenged him, he didn’t know, but he did lean in, and his lips did brush ever so lightly against Ran’s.

  Maybe he could say it was an accident or something.

  But he should have known better because he had kissed this man before. He had known before he’d kissed him this time, just how good it was. How much he would need more once he’d done it.

  Miraculously, Ran’s lips parted under the pressure of Justin’s tongue, and those strong arms wrapped around him, pulling him closer. Tongues and lips meshed, and Justin gave himself fully over to the kiss.

  Why it was happening, why Ran hadn’t just pushed Justin right off of him and maybe told him off for kissing him, Justin didn’t know. But he enjoyed it while he could, and knew he would remember it forever.

  But the timer was still going off, and more than that, Justin could actually smell the fragrant, melting cheese all throughout the house. It smelled good, but if he left it, he knew it would get burned.

  So Justin was the one who ended it. He pulled away, his body aching, his blood coursing through his veins like it was on fire. He slipped off his lap, and this time, as he made his way out of the bedroom and toward the kitchen, he didn’t fall.

  After that, they were both very quiet. Ran didn’t ask why Justin had kissed him, and Justin didn’t volunteer. They ate dinner and then went to bed. Separately, no matter how much Justin wished otherwise.

  * * *

  Neither Justin nor Ran had ever been on a plane in their lives.

  It was sort of funny. They were both less than one year shy of the big three zero, but neither of them had ever had it happen. Ran’s parents were too devoted to their work, and Justin, well, there had never been money for that.

  Ran seemed pretty calm about it, but Justin noticed how the other man’s fingers clenched around the book he was holding. His friend wasn’t as stoic as he seemed, and that was comforting because Justin sort of felt like he was on the verge of a mini panic attack.

  The two of them stood in the airport, looking out the window at the plane that was rolling up. It was bigger than Justin would have expected since he’d only seen them up in the sky before.

  Somehow, it looked more fragile than it should. Was he really entrusting his body to something like that? The shiny metal looked as fragile to him as a tin can did.

  Time seemed to speed up as the time to their departure approached. Before it seemed possible, they were boarding the plane, and for six hours, they were going to be trapped in there.

  As they seated themselves, Justin had Ran take the window seat. It just felt more comfortable that way.
He didn’t want to look out and see the ocean as they flew over it. He just wanted to pretend he wasn’t there.

  They sat, and as they took off, Ran, without a word, took Justin’s hand. Whether the other man wanted comfort, or wanted to give it, or both, Justin didn’t know, but he was grateful for it either way.

  Somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Justin fell asleep. When he woke up, they were landing, and Ran had his arm around his shoulders, shaking him awake.

  * * *

  Hawaii itself was beautiful, and absolutely nothing like Portland.

  Back home, the nights had been getting colder. The days were still warm enough, but they were getting short, and it was very obvious that autumn would soon be upon them fully.

  Not here. Here, it was all flowers, and hot, moist air, and palm trees. Even though they’d left at six in Portland time, and they’d traveled for six hours, it was only about nine o’clock in the morning in the local time, because of the time difference.

  Despite that, the day was already warm. The sun shone down brightly, whereas when they’d left Portland, the sun hadn’t even risen yet, and it had already been cloudy.

  It was easy to see why people considered this to be a paradise.

  Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. Justin had a bunch of notebooks with him, and there were always song lyrics in his head, struggling to get out. He could just sit in the sun and get a nice tan and relax and write. That actually sounded pretty nice.

  As for his strange attraction to Ran, well, he would just have to have some self-control. Far more than he had shown to this point, actually.

  He felt like he could do it, though. And it was worth it. This wasn’t someone he was willing to lose, after all, not when Ran was still with him even though he knew Justin so well.

  There wasn’t really anyone else that Justin could say that about. Chelsea was headed in that direction, maybe, but she wasn’t quite there.