To Have and to Hold

by Riley Knight

“So Ran is cute,” Chelsea said, grinning at him, but at least she said it quietly. “How come you never told me your friend is so cute?”

  Justin looked at her with mock irritation.

  “Forget it, sister, he’s married,” Justin smirked. “More to the point, he’s gay.”

  Chelsea sighed dramatically.

  “All the good ones are,” she said, and then she returned his smirk. “You sounded a little bit possessive there for a sec. I could almost think that you cared about him.”

  Justin arched an eyebrow at her.

  “Of course I care about him, he’s my best friend,” he said, and it had to be said that he was very deliberately misunderstanding her.

  She gave him a bit of a look like she wasn’t entirely convinced, and he was relieved, for once, when he saw their boss come out of the office. The man rarely poked his head out, and when he did, Chelsea really had no choice but to go back to her work and leave him alone.

  Justin glanced up when the man came over to him. Around him, the people he worked with were all working about a hundred percent harder, some even finding things to do when there was nothing to be done. But not Justin. He just didn’t see the point.

  “Would you join me in my office, Mr. Silver?” the man said, and that was just one of the many reasons that Justin disliked this man. He thought he was so clever, calling people by their last names.

  Justin nodded, not that it had actually been a request. As he turned his grilling station off and did a quick cleanup, he tried to think if there could possibly be anything that he’d done today that would get him in trouble. This would hardly be the first time he’d been to the manager’s office.

  But no, there wasn’t. He’d been on time, and he’d been working the whole time. Unusual for him, yes, but there was no reason for him to be in trouble.

  So he shrugged and followed the other man in. There was only one thing this could be about, and he was quite interested in hearing the answer to the question he’d asked yesterday.

  * * *

  Justin had graduated from high school, but it had been a near thing. One of the reasons for that, the school counselor had guessed, was that Justin had a serious problem with authority.

  It wasn’t something that had gone away with age. Maybe he’d gotten better at hiding it. Maybe. But it was still there, just as strong as ever, if not stronger.

  So when he came out of the office, he wasn’t so much walking out as storming out. Immediately, he headed for the door, the one that headed out of the employee’s area into the general restaurant.

  He had to get out of there.

  Just as he was putting his hand on the doorknob, Chelsea ran over to him and grabbed his arm.

  “What’s going on? Did he fire you?”

  Justin gave a short, bitter laugh, and Chelsea frowned.

  “Look, it’s my break. Why don’t you take yours, too, and let’s talk.”

  Slowly, Justin let go of his death grip on the doorknob. He remembered Ran, he thought of the look that would be in those dark eyes if he walked out now. It was the same thing that he’d remembered while he was in the manager’s office, and that had kept him from screaming at the bastard. Or maybe just outright punching him.

  “Okay,” Justin agreed. He could give it a few more minutes before storming out, he figured.

  The good thing about working at a restaurant was that it was easy to get a coffee. He and Chelsea both grabbed one, then found a quiet, deserted corner of the dining area and sat down there.

  “He gave me my vacation time,” Justin said, and Chelsea frowned, obviously confused by that.

  “But that’s a good thing. Why are you so pissed off?”

  Justin gave a bitter little laugh.

  “Because it’s conditional. I have to be on time for every shift until then. If I am late, or if I miss a shift, then I lose my vacation time.”

  Justin could still remember the smug look on the manager’s face as he’d handed down his decrees from on high. Oh, maybe the things were reasonable enough to expect, but Justin hated to be told what to do. Absolutely hated it. And more than that, he hated being patronized.

  To most people, maybe, it would seem completely normal what had just happened. For Justin, well, it made him so furious he could barely think straight.

  “Ah. I see.” To her credit, Chelsea didn’t make fun of him for his anger. Not only would that make him feel ridiculous, but it would make him more upset than ever.

  For a moment, they were both silent, sipping their coffee, but then, she spoke once more.

  “So is it worth it, then?”

  Somehow, that question cut through all of his anger. Was it worth it? To do as he was told so that he could keep his job? So he wouldn’t have to go job searching once more?

  Was it worth it to disappoint Ran, who never seemed to understand why Justin couldn’t keep a job to save his life?

  He was an adult. He could storm off if he wanted to. But would the satisfaction of doing so be worth it? That was Chelsea’s question, and as much as his anger wanted him to answer one way, he knew that he couldn’t.

  Damn it, for better or worse, he was someone’s husband now.

  “We have to get back to work,” he said quietly. Without looking at his friend, he got up, threw his coffee cup away, and went back to doing what he was being paid to do.

  * * *

  It was a long shift, and Justin walked out of the place absolutely exhausted. As always, he smelled of grease, and he winced as he got into his husband’s car.

  Chelsea had asked him if he wanted to go out again, but he’d declined. Not only was he too damn tired, but it had occurred to him that he really shouldn’t be spending the money. Not when he was going on vacation.

  Going on vacation. The very sound of it was magical. It made him smile as he put the key into the ignition and started the car.

  On the way home, he put on the radio. It was just a bunch of top 40 pop hits, but that was fine. He had nothing against that, or really any kind of music. Actually, pop could be a lot of fun to sing along to, even if it wasn’t the type of music he wrote.

  It put him in a much better mood, actually, and he decided to do what he hadn’t done before and go to his old apartment. It was time to pack up and move for good. He couldn’t say he’d be sad to see the end of this place.

  Maybe, when this thing with him and Ran ended, he could find a better place. A place that the cockroaches didn’t even shun for being too disgusting. Of course, that would require him being able to keep a job. Maybe even having some savings.

  It took longer than he thought to clean out his apartment. He didn’t have a lot of stuff, or at least, he hadn’t thought that he did, until he tried to pack it all up into the trunk of a car.

  He managed, though, and then looked around the mostly empty apartment. The truth was, he was leaving it in better shape than he had gotten it. He hoped the next tenant appreciated it.

  As he left, he noticed the eviction notice on the door. Amused, he snorted and left it up. Let them go ahead and evict him. Yes, he knew he hadn’t paid rent for September, and he didn’t intend to.

  Making his way through the building, he was quite relieved that he would never have to step into it again.

  What would be even better, he realized, was if he never had to be desperate enough to take a place like this again. But what were the chances of that happening? He’d been raised in a place like this, and he’d probably die in a place like this.

  Considerably less happy, he packed the last of his things into his borrowed car and headed over to Ran’s place. The place that didn’t quite feel like Justin’s yet, and maybe it never would.

  Maybe that was for the best.

  * * *

  It was way later than Justin had expected it to be when he pulled up in front of Ran’s house. He groaned and rested his head back. The hangover had receded a little, but with that, he realized that all he’d had to eat or drink that day was the coffee he’d
had with Chelsea. He just hadn’t felt like anything else.

  It probably wasn’t helping the headache, though.

  With a sigh, he grabbed a bunch of his things from the car, then went to the house. He walked around back, pushed the door open, and went in.

  The most amazing smell filled the house, and not only that but the warmth coming from the kitchen made him realize that the night was actually fairly cold. Fall was definitely on its way, and he very much appreciated the heat.

  Ran was lying down on the couch completely passed out. Justin smiled, put his things down, and then settled down to have some dinner, which Ran had thoughtfully left for him.

  He’d hoped that, by the time he was done, Ran would be awake, but no such luck. He poked at his friend a bit, hoping to wake him up, but no such luck. Ran slept on.

  He was going to get into so much trouble for this, but his choices were to sleep on the floor, which didn’t appeal or go sleep in Ran’s bed, which didn’t feel right.

  Or to do what he did, which was to curl up behind him on the couch, slipping into the small space easily and wrapping himself around his husband.

  Maybe it wasn’t the right thing to do, but it didn’t feel that way.

  Chapter Seven

  Ran

  It hadn’t been Ran’s intention to fall asleep on the couch. He wouldn’t have been so thoughtless on purpose. This was Justin’s bed, and it was very rude of him to take it up.

  But it had been a longer, harder, and more tiring day at work than he’d expected. Coming home to find that Justin wasn’t home, and waiting for him all evening, hadn’t helped that.

  Likely, Justin was out with that girl again. Chelsea.

  Well, Ran knew he should be happy for his friend. And he was, he told himself firmly. He was. He wanted Justin to be happy, of course, he did. What sort of best friend would he be, otherwise?

  None of his business. None of it.

  But …

  With his thoughts in a whirl, Ran had settled down to read more of his book and then had fallen into a deep, complete sleep. Even when Justin came in, Ran didn’t notice.

  Maybe he should have. It wasn’t like it was so very normal for him to have someone sleeping with him. In fact, it rarely happened. The surprise, perhaps, should have woken him.

  Instead, he slept, and woke only in the early morning, just before dawn. It was a good time of day for him. He often woke this early, just to get some time before he had to go to work. Being a student for as long as he had, he’d quickly learned that he needed time for just himself, to finish homework or read or whatever.

  This morning, though, was different, because there was someone pressed against him from behind, and that someone was pressing a very impressive erection against Ran’s ass.

  It had to be Justin. There was no one else it could be. For a moment, Ran couldn’t figure out why Justin was in bed with him. Then he remembered, and the blood rushed to his cheeks.

  But not, unfortunately, only to there. His cock, already half hard with sleep, also started to swell as he realized what was going on. He was with Justin. They were in bed together, and Justin was pressed close to him, and Ran knew he was going to hell for the things he was thinking.

  Justin’s hand was on Ran’s stomach, his pinkie finger only an inch or two above where Ran’s dick was starting to grow. It wouldn’t be long until he had gotten so hard that his cock would be pressing right against that hand, and it had been so long, so damn long, since anyone had touched him there other than himself and it was ridiculously tempting to just let it happen.

  Not that he could, of course. Justin was asleep, and it would be very wrong to take advantage of him like that. So very wrong. But Ran was only human, and the temptation was there.

  Not that he had to give into it, and he wouldn’t. He started to shift away from him, to roll off the couch and hopefully not to wake Justin up in the process.

  Justin had other ideas, though. Sighing in his sleep, he pulled Ran closer against him, and his cock, obviously fully hard, pressed firmly right between the cheeks of his ass. If not for the clothing in the way, this would be some dangerous territory, but even with that in place, it was wreaking havoc on Ran’s hormones.

  Panic hit him in full force then, and Ran pulled away from him, no longer worried about whether he would wake the other man up or not. Better to wake him up then to have to deal with what he wanted to do, which was sit there and let whatever happened, happen.

  Would his poor, straight best friend get upset if he woke up to find another man’s dick pressing against his hand? Part of Ran wanted desperately to find out, but he couldn’t do it. His ethics got in the way.

  Scrambling off the couch, Ran didn’t turn to see if Justin woke up. He assumed he did but hoped he didn’t. Either way, he didn’t stick around to see. Instead, he turned around and ran to his own room.

  Running away. That was what he was doing, and it was pathetic. Justin would never act like that. Justin faced everything head on, and that was a trait that Ran deeply admired about him.

  Too bad he didn’t have it himself.

  Or maybe it was just that he couldn’t handle what would happen if he fell for his best friend, who was now his husband. That was probably more to the point if he were completely honest with himself.

  It would be the worst thing in the world, to lose Justin, and there was no way that Ran was going to let that happen. He’d had crushes on straight men before. He’d ignored them, and they’d gone away, and he would keep on doing the same thing in this situation.

  Just a crush.

  Maybe it wasn’t entirely normal to have a crush on one’s own husband. Of course, this was hardly a normal situation, since usually, by the time people got married, they were a little bit beyond the crush stage.

  Or so he’d heard. He wouldn’t really know.

  Regardless, the best thing he could do to fight this was simple. Just ignore it. So he ran to his room, ignoring his aching cock as he put clothes on and then left the house.

  Better to be early for work than to stay in the house with someone he wanted so badly, and could never have.

  * * *

  Despite how sure Ran had been that he could ignore it, it seemed that it was going to be a little bit more difficult than he’d thought originally.

  All through work, he thought about it. It seemed like he could think about very little else. Justin was on his mind all the time.

  How very clichéd to fall for his best friend. His straight best friend. It was absolutely ridiculous, and Ran knew it, but that didn’t stop it from happening.

  Maybe it was for the best that they hadn’t talked in a few days. Only Ran realized that he didn’t even know if Justin had gotten the time off work to go on their honeymoon or not.

  And Justin didn’t know that Ran had a job, even.

  It was all a little depressing. After all these years of each of them knowing everything about the other, they’d lost all that. And by getting married, which Ran was pretty sure was supposed to bring them closer together.

  Still, Ran went to work, and he did his job. True to Vinnie’s word, he worked Ran hard, but Ran loved every second of it. Job searching had been hard work, too, but there was something about really rolling up his sleeves and tackling something that made him love it.

  In the few days that he’d been working there, he’d already made a huge dent in the mess, and the shelves were starting to look halfway tidy again.

  He figured he’d finish just in time to go on his vacation so they could get all messy again. But it shouldn’t be this bad again, not after only being gone for a week rather than a few months.

  Besides, work was a pleasant place to be. Vinnie was as happy and cheerful as ever, and the customers tended to be polite with very little of the drama and entitled behavior that Ran had been half expecting. Yes, they were relatively young, and many of them fell into the millennial hipster category, but that didn’t mean they didn’t have a deep and sincere
love of books, just like Ran.

  After work, Ran headed home, and he realized that, once more, he had no idea if he would be seeing Justin at all that night. He could text him, but the truth was, he was ashamed of himself.

  Waking up with Justin like that, and the things he’d wanted to do, they made him wonder if he should be around the other man at all. He’d never considered himself a predator, but he’d certainly had some urges that way.

  The more he was around Justin. The more little things kept happening. And the more that Ran realized just how attractive his best friend really was.

  It was the sort of thing he’d always known on a logical basis, but now he was feeling it. With every muscle, bone, and sinew in his body, he wanted Justin, like he’d never wanted anyone before.

  And Justin would surely be horrified if he knew.

  Nervously, he walked home, wondering if Justin would be there, if he’d have to face him. Probably not. For two nights in a row, Justin had been gone in the evening.

  That was both a comforting thought and a disappointing one at the same time.

  * * *

  But Justin was there.

  Not only that but by the smells of it, he was cooking something. Something that smelled delicious.

  That was a rare treat for Ran. He either cooked for himself or he had to buy something. He liked being able to take care of himself but having someone else make him dinner …

  Which was assuming a lot. Maybe Justin had just made himself dinner.

  Taking a deep breath, Ran opened the door. It was good that Justin was here, really. They did need to talk about their trip to Hawaii, and besides, it would probably help Ran if he could look into Justin’s face and see how upset his friend was with him, if at all.

  Best case scenario, Justin didn’t even remember any of what had happened the previous night. After all, the man had been asleep, right? So maybe Ran was just being an idiot about this.

  As he opened the door, the smell of cooking meat and veggies filled the air, and instantly, Ran’s mouth started to water. The scent was amazing, and he followed his nose to the kitchen.