Barely Breathing (Just Breathe)

by Heather Allen

  ***

  I follow Alex through the city to a garden of coral, as he calls it. We sit quietly and watch the fish dart in and out of their colorful home. His arm never leaves my back. I rest my head on his shoulder. This is exactly what I need after all that has happened.

  After a while he breaks the silence, "I realized when I came back that you needed space to sort through things. That is why I left right away. But I want you to know my feelings haven't changed."

  Why did he have to go and ruin a perfectly good moment? I have to approach this the right way. No more running.

  I push up from the coral and hover in front of him so I can look into his eyes, "Alex, the first thing I need to say is how sorry I am for running away when you were so truthful with me."

  "Ever you don't..."

  I cut him off, "Please let me finish. I truly am sorry, not only for running but also for not being able to return your feelings. I know you feel something for me and I...you are just so good, you always do the right thing, you protect me, and take care of me. I don't deserve that, but I welcome it."

  He smirks a sort of smile but it doesn't reach his eyes. I'm pretty sure he knows where I'm going with this.

  "I think you are wonderful and I just, we are friends, good friends, I just can't be anything more. I have to concentrate on my purpose, my new life here."

  He looks down to the sand for what seems like a full minute and looks back up at me. His eyes are so bright, my middle flutters a minute, it would be so easy, but I can't, it would be so wrong to lead him on like that.

  "Ever, I accept that, friendship is better than being away from you. These past few weeks have been very hard."

  I smile and glide back over to sit next to him. HIs arm slides back around me. Knowing Alex can accept the small amount I have to give him, makes things a lot easier to face.

  ***

  My fin is aching, I'm swimming so fast. I glance back and see a face but the water is too cloudy to see who it is. I hear a familiar voice yelling, NOOOO! Then the pain in my side starts. I look down knowing what I will see but the red coloring the water makes me want to throw up. I start to fall, trying to find something to hold me up. The darkness consumes me, I can't see around me but I feel familiar arms wrap around me. I look over and see Alex's green eyes.

  The dream wakes me in the middle of the night. I can't shake the thought that something bad is coming. Every dream ends with someone hurt. The only thing I can hope is that maybe my dreams aren't always right. I roll over and doze back to sleep with no problems.

  ***

  The next morning I wake with renewed energy. This is it, my life, not dependent on anyone else, only me. My decisions are ruled by my brain, not my heart, from here on out.

  I glide out into the kitchen bringing my fruit with me. I sit at the table, joining Amber.

  "Hey you, how are you? How was your meeting with Seamus yesterday?"

  "It went well, we're meeting today mid-day, he wants to see some of my abilities."

  She smiles, "That should be fun."

  I nod and look away. It is so hard to be around her. There are so many reminders of Jack in her.

  Ever, use your head, not your heart.

  "Yep, I'm thinking bow and arrow, and the usual 'will' stuff. Any other suggestions?"

  "Oh I'm sure you will surprise him. You surprise me every time."

  Smiling, I get up and swim back to my room. I can only stay around her for so long.

  A short time later, I hear a knock on the door. I try to 'will' it open from my room. I hear a, "Hello?" then a laugh coming closer. Alex peeks around the corner of the door and asks, "Did you just open the door from in here?"

  I get up from my bed and nod. He laughs again, "What else you got in there that I haven't seen?" I shrug my shoulders and swim for the front door. Alex follows chuckling to himself.

  Chapter 35

  James

  The rest of the week seems uneventful for the most part. The band ended up practicing twice so I didn't have to listen to my mom drone on about how Ever left so suddenly and how it's so unlike her. I can hold my own with lying but only when necessity calls for it. Ever's absence is not necessarily something I want to hear about every day.

  Davis wrote a couple of new songs and they sound really good. It makes me a little sad for abandoning the guys, this time for real, but I guess it can't be helped. One of those little things that sucks, in the grand scheme, of everything else. They'll be able to replace me, no problem. Davis, is after all, the brains of Allgood.

  Friday finally comes. The last day of my Junior year. Possibly, the last day of high school for me. Not sure how I feel about this latter thought. I'm not into the whole school thing but it is kind of sad that I started it and won't get to finish it.

  I focus all day on seeing Sara again. It's been hard wanting to see her and touch her all week. My big focus today is to come up with something convincing to tell my parents to appease my absence at least for a little while. Ever has it easy with the whole college thing.

  ***

  My mom walks into the house at five. I'm in the kitchen eating when she finds me.

  "James, you are going to spoil your dinner."

  "No mom, I'll eat again when it's ready, remember, growing boy here." I smile down at her. I passed her up about two years ago. I grew an inch taller than my dad this year. They joke that I'm not really their son, I must have come from a giant.

  She smiles and starts taking things out of the fridge. I head up to my room, not wanting to face any emotion in her or the sudden stuff in me starting to surface, with thoughts about leaving my parents. No wonder Ever is so emotional. I'll give it to her, this is a hard one.

  I sit at my computer to start my plan. I make up a fake email address and set to writing an acceptance letter. I send it to my mom's email address and sit back in my chair to wait. Hopefully she'll check her email soon. Then I will be on my way back. I lean back and place my arms behind my head, closing my eyes to remember the curve of Sara's hips and legs. I travel up to her face in my mind and meet those intense aqua eyes...

  My room door opens and I wake with a start and end up on the floor. My mom rushes in, "Are you alright?"

  I shake my groggy head, "I...I must have fallen asleep."

  "James, you fell asleep in your chair? Maybe you aren't getting enough sleep."

  Ugh, here we go.

  "I came up to let you know dinner is ready."

  I get up, glancing at my computer hoping I logged out. I did. She follows my eyes and lingers on the screen for a minute.

  "James, I just got an email today about a music camp. I didn't know you applied. Were you going to tell us?"

  She got it. Here goes.

  "Yeah mom, I thought it would be good for me. I wanted to wait to tell you. If I didn't get in, it would have been pointless."

  "Was I accepted?"

  She smiles easily, totally buying it, "Yes, you were. We will have to discuss this with your dad."

  I nod. She leaves my room and closes the door. The plan is going exactly as I'd hoped. Now I just need to convince my dad.

  ***

  During dinner my dad approaches the music camp subject, "Your mom tells me you applied to a music camp in Chicago."

  I nod taking a bite of beans hoping not to have to elaborate.

  "You do realize this is very sudden. I don't understand why you didn't talk to us first, before applying."

  I take a deep breath, I knew he was going to be the one I would have to convince. My mom will pretty much go with what he decides, usually.

  "Yeah, sorry about that, I didn't want to get excited if I wasn't accepted. They had to have a demo and everything, just to go."

  I hold my breath waiting. His reaction will go one way or the other.

  My mom jumps in, "Honey, are you sure you want to go away for the summer? What about Sara? What about Garrett and Davis?"

  She's been asking about Sara lately and I've been ab
le to avoid it with little excuses like she's busy. Garrett and Davis on the other hand, they will definitely be bummed.

  "Mom, Sara is going away this summer to her Dad's in San Diego. She won't be around. The guys have their own plans for the summer."

  My dad jumps in, "Well, as long as this is really what you want to do. I suppose it can't hurt and it might be good for you to get away. How much is this going to cost me?"

  I smile at how smooth this is going, "Actually, Gam-aw said as long as you gave me permission to go, she would cover it. She said she wants to do this for me."

  My mom gets up suddenly, "It makes me feel better that you and Ever will be near her for the summer. I'm going to call her to work out the details."

  Now I only hope Gam-aw backs me up. I fell asleep when I was going to call her. Now it's too late. I can hear my mom in the other room saying hi.

  I'm on my way back to Sara very soon. Really looking forward, to having her in my arms again.

  Chapter 36

  Ever

  Alex and I swim into the training room around mid-day as planned. I was afraid when he came for me today, it would be awkward. But things were just as we left it yesterday, friends. He grabbed my hand on the way into the castle, a calm feeling fell over me that only Alex can elicit.

  The room is empty which I'm glad for. I wanted to get a couple practice rounds in with the bow before Seamus and his entourage get here. Just thinking about being in the same room with Metea, makes me uneasy.

  I swim over and choose a bow and quiver of arrows. I pull it over my head and adjust it across my body and glance over at Alex. He's got that sloppy proud grin on his face. That damn dimple shows itself so I frown.

  "What?"

  "Stop looking at me like that." I smile.

  "I can't help it, I'm so proud of you."

  "Don't do that yet. I didn't do anything and they aren't here yet. I may completely suck."

  He shakes his head laughing, "Have some confidence Ever. I have never seen anyone pick up the bow as fast as you have."

  I ignore his praise and glide over to take my stance in front of the target. The bow feels so right in my hands. I pull the arrow back in the bow string, take aim for the head of the target and release. It sails through the water leaving a trail of bubbles in it's wake and meets the center of the target."

  A smile spreads across my face and I glance over at Alex. He is staring at me with that intense gaze like he wants to eat me up. I look away. This is so not good for our newfound friendship.

  I take out another arrow and guide it to the target. It sails through the water and meets the target on the chest. I'm on a roll. I pull another arrow out and take aim. As I'm about to release, the door swings open to reveal Metea followed by Seamus. My hand slips and the arrow skews to the left of the target.

  "Well, well, I thought we had a sure fire on our hands, Alex." Seamus clucks his tongue.

  Alex swims over and places his arm around my shoulders, "She's just warming up. Give her a couple of shots."

  He turns me to face him.

  "Ever, I know you can do this. Concentrate, it's just you and me."

  I nod uneasily and turn to my target.

  I take aim and focus. I can feel their eyes on my back but I take a deep sea breath and think about Alex. The familiar calmness overcomes me and I go through the motions that are now so second nature. My arrow glides through the water leaving a line of water behind it. I follow with my eyes still willing the calm to stay. It splices my arrow on the head in half. I hear a gasp behind me and a smile slowly spreads across my lips. Confidence... officially returning.

  ***

  I fall into bed remembering the look on Metea's face when I turned around today after hitting not one arrow and splicing it, but two. After that I think she realized maybe Alex was right, whatever that may mean. Seamus was impressed by my bow skills. Afterwards he asked to see some of my 'wills'. Alex was too excited to show him my door trick. It was like an excited father seeing his child ride a bike for the first time. The day turned out way better than I could have hoped for. Now I'm dead tired and drifting.

  My breath is barely coming out. I'm reaching for something but there's nothing to stop my descent. I look down and panic. My fin is gone. The water is suffocating me. I can't breathe. I try to 'will' my fin but it won't come. I hear a voice in my ear, "Ever, it's okay, just breathe, you can still breathe." JACK. I turn my head quickly and see those eyes I dream about, those eyes that break my heart, every time I think about them. My lungs are screaming. My eyes are getting cloudy, everything is turning grey. "Just Breathe Ever, you can do it." I take a deep breath and feel pain in my side, blood spreads all around me in the water. I glance over and see Jack's eyes, green...

  I wake gasping. My heart is beating so fast. The ache is back. I push up determined not to wallow in self-pity. Whatever these dreams are they must be coming to a close soon. The cliff dream before came true soon after I saw us jumping. This one must tell me something soon, I hope.

  I enter the kitchen to find it empty and my stomach dying of hunger. The fruit didn't last as long as I'd hoped it would. I look for some fish and find a small one already in pieces for me. Amber is looking out, thank goodness. I probably wouldn't be able to eat it if I saw the poor dead thing whole.

  Amber strolls in and starts laughing as soon as she spots me. I'm sifting through the fish and not enjoying one bite.

  "You are going to have to get used to it eventually. Otherwise life is going to be pretty difficult."

  I shrug my shoulders and watch as she sits down in front of me. Her eyes are green. They remind me of my dream. I look away unable to face her.

  "How did it go yesterday? I hear Metea is a tough audience."

  I look up again, "Huh, If you knew that, why didn't you tell me?"

  "Believe me, I was doing you a favor by not telling you. You of all people, you know how you handle things like that. You were better off not knowing."

  I grin a little and nod agreeing with her. She is right after all. I probably would have fainted just from anxiety.

  But I tell her, "Actually I have decided my heart has no say anymore." I tap my head, "Totally ruled by the brain from now on."

  She doubles over laughing, "So you say."

  I'm about to take another bite of fish when I hear a knock.

  I jump up, "That so better be Alex with fruit."

  I hear Amber giggle behind me. I rush through the dwelling and open the door before I get to it. Alex is hovering there with a small box under his arm.

  "Is that what I think it is?"

  He smiles.

  Oh yes. I pull it away from him and rip it open. Apples, glorious apples fall as I lose my grip on the box.

  I grab one and plow into him giving him a giant hug. He stiffens the minute I touch him but his arms grasp my back easily. I pull away and he winces.

  "Oh sorry."

  He shakes his head, "no, it's not that." He reaches in my hair and pulls out a piece of fish.

  "Are you saving this for later?"

  It's my turn to wince, "I just can't do the fish thing."

  He smiles, "Okay, princess."

  I take a bite from my apple and frown at his insulting remark.

  Suddenly a huge booming sound vibrates through the water and the dwelling shakes.

  I look into Alex's, now worried eyes.

  He whispers, "It's starting."

  Chapter 37

  James

  A ringing in my ear... I don't want to pull myself out of this dream. Sara is in it and we are together without a care in the world. Ringing again...I shake my head and realize my phone is ringing. I roll over trying to ignore it, trying to bring Sara back to my mind. More ringing...shouldn't my voicemail have picked it up by now? My hand comes up to rub my eyes and I glance over at the screen, Gam-aw. Great, she's either pissed I didn't warn her before my mom called or asking when I'm coming to see her. I didn't talk to my mom after her call last night. I
came up and called it an early night just in case I was caught in a lie. But neither of my parents came up so I just assumed Gam-aw went along with my story.

  I pick it up glancing at the clock, "Hi Gam-aw."

  It's eight o'clock in the morning, at least she didn't call in the middle of the night, she's been known to do that.

  "James, when are you and your sister going to learn, you have to tell me what you've planned before I have to corroborate your lie. And just for the record, I'm not completely comfortable with this lying thing you two have put me in with your parents. I know I said I'd help but you're asking an eighty year old to keep up with all these stories. My brain isn't as sharp as it used to be."

  She stops rambling, finally.

  "Yeah, um sorry Gam-aw, I fell asleep yesterday when I was going to call you. Mom found out about the camp and called you first, before I got a chance."

  "So tell me, what is the story exactly and when are you coming?"

  I take a deep breath with anticipation. I'm getting excited to go. Well really to see Sara.

  "I'm attending Camp Jam, as far as mom and dad are concerned. I ordered a train ticket for tomorrow. I'll ask mom if she'll drop me off."

  Suddenly I hear giggling.

  "Gam-aw, you okay?"

  "Yes James, I just think it's funny that you are taking a train in light of your abilities."

  I chuckle, "I know Gams but I have to keep up appearances, you know."

  "Yes, of course, so what time will I be picking you up from the station?"

  "I won't need a ride, I'll see you tomorrow okay."

  "Looking forward to it, by the way, how are you feeling about this whole situation? I've spoken at length about this with Ever but I haven't heard anything from you."

  "I'm good with it. Gam, This is what I was meant for."

  "Alright James, see you tomorrow."

  I hang up the phone and head down to the kitchen for part two of my plan, operation see Sara tomorrow.

  ***

  Hugging my mom goodbye brings tears to my eyes. I wipe them away quickly with my free hand before they can see me all sappy. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I can hear her take a deep breath. She whispers into my shoulder, "My big boy, all grown up, I hope you have a great summer."