Barely Breathing (Just Breathe)

by Heather Allen

  "K mom."

  I can't say anything else or she'll hear my voice crack. We part and I turn to my dad. He looks at my mom and shakes his head. She has tears running down her cheeks, sniffling. I avert my eyes or tears will start to run down mine too.

  "Come here, give your old man a hug."

  I embrace my dad, totally not embarrassed, this could be the last time I see him. I now get why Ever avoided this. We part and he claps me on the shoulder, "Keep in touch. Your mom won't know what to do with herself this summer, without you two around."

  I joke, glancing over at her, as she wipes away more silent tears, "I'm sure she'll find a new hobby to start."

  He nods, "Probably."

  I grab my bags and turn to the waiting train.

  My mom calls out, "Call me when you get to Gam-aw's."

  I turn over my shoulder and assure her, "I will."

  All I can focus on right now is my steps to the door. Then as I find my seat I tell myself, think about Sara...you're so close.

  But somewhere in me I have an ounce of doubt. Was this the right decision? Leaving my parents was so much harder than I thought it would be.

  ***

  I've been on the train for an hour and I'm over it. Boredom has sunk in and doubt as to whether I'm making the right choices. Each time though I push it away and focus on Sara and her beautiful eyes that have become hazy in my memory. It's about time I get a fresh glimpse of them.

  Deciding I've had enough of this train ride, I grab my bag and head for the bathroom. Once in there, I close my eyes and think about Gam-aw's apartment. It's been a while since I've been there so I focus on the only thing still vivid in my memory, her white bathroom with the claw foot bathtub. When we were little, Ever and I used to take baths in that tub, we would pretend we were in a huge boat floating on the sea. It was our favorite part of visiting.

  I open my eyes when I can feel the air around me change and find myself standing in the middle of the bathroom, I just pictured in my mind. 'Traveling' never gets old. I look around, exactly as I remembered it. Then a smell hits me, chocolate chip cookies. Gam-aw always has something good to eat cooking.

  "Of all the rooms you two could make a grand entrance, you choose the bathroom. I just can't figure it out."

  I chuckle and gather my Gam-aw in my arms for a huge hug. She feels so thin.

  "Whoa James, you're going to crush an old woman."

  I put her back on her feet and back away, "Sorry, Gam, it's so good to see you."

  She places her hand on my cheek and tells me thoughtfully, "It's good to see you too. I'm going to miss you two."

  My eyes falter and I turn to walk past her into the hall to the living room.

  I place my bag on the floor by the couch and sink into the cushions. I can hear her in the kitchen.

  After a while she comes in with a glass of milk and a plate of cookies.

  "I thought you might want a snack before you go."

  I smile as she sits down next to me. This room in her apartment was always one of those you never spend time in. It used to seem so big and so off limits. You know grandparents and their old fashioned ways. There isn't a T.V. but tons of antiques. My mother would be on edge the whole time we were here as children. She always thought we would break something. Now being here pretty grown up it doesn't seem so big or fragile.

  I grab a few cookies and follow them with milk. So good, I'm going to, without a doubt, miss food.

  "James, are you sure about this?"

  Great, she's all serious now.

  "Yeah, Gam-aw, I am. I think it's more my home than here now."

  She looks so serious. She meets my eyes and glances away uncomfortable, "Is this girl Sara the only reason James, because if she is, you can't make a decision like this because of a girl."

  Ever, that traitor.

  "It is for Sara, but also because the decision was made for me. Gam-aw you know how this works. I didn't really get a choice. Ever and Jaspen pretty much decided for me."

  She nods sadly looking down, "I wish everyday now that I could go back to that time when I chose. I would make different choices."

  I squeeze her hand, "Don't beat yourself up, Ever and I are happy, it'll all work out."

  She nods but I can tell she doesn't believe me.

  I think I'm pretty much done with this conversation. There are so many what ifs. I don't feel like facing them at the moment.

  I get up and rub my hands on my jeans looking down at her.

  "It's time?"

  I nod, "Yeah, I should go."

  I head into the bathroom to change into my swim trunks. Luckily I bought a new pair. That last pair was in pretty bad shape after my last stay.

  When I step back into the living room, Gam-aw embraces me again. I hug her gently and tell her, "Thank you for everything. Can you call my mom later?"

  She nods as I pull away.

  "If you see Ever tell her, we love her."

  "I will."

  I close my eyes and focus on the caves of the Erebus and will my fin.

  When I open my eyes I have to close them again to focus. The water is cloudy and there is movement all around me.

  Chapter 38

  Ever

  I panic and grab Alex's arm, pulling him into the dwelling. I slam the door with my mind and yell, "Amber."

  Alex places his arm around my shoulders and leans over, "Hey, it's okay. Don't worry."

  I look into his worried green eyes. His words and eyes are telling me two different things.

  "I'm...I'm not ready. This can't be happening."

  Amber swims in and looks directly at Alex, "Was that what I think it was?"

  He nods looking down at me. I almost feel as if he is taking pity on me. I glide away from him and position myself in front of both of them with my hands on my hips.

  "What...What does this mean? What do we do?"

  Amber glances at me and back at Alex asking him, as if I'm not right there in front of her, "That was awfully close, almost as if it's in the city."

  He frowns and agrees looking at me but I can tell, not really seeing me, "It felt like it, we need to get to the castle." He grabs my hand and pulls me in the direction of the door.

  I pull the opposite way and break his grasp.

  "I don't want to go out there. If there's fighting...I have to stay away."

  I can feel the tears well up in my eyes. My dreams surface and I'm scared to death. I know someone is going to get hurt. I swim backwards still more until I hit the wall.

  Alex approaches slowly. It reminds me of how you would approach a timid dog. He slides his arm around my back and holds my arm in his hand, softly. His touch calms my over- beating heart. Amber approaches me on the other side and grabs my hand. She leans in and whispers to me, "We don't need to go that way. Her hand travels up my arm and she rubs it soothingly, "Ever, take us to the castle, 'travel', you'll be safe."

  I look over into Alex's eyes. He looks more sure now and nods to me.

  The door in front of us bursts open and castle mer-men rush in before I can focus.

  "Amber Tanner step away. You are under the castle's custody for betraying your people and guiding Erebus into the city."

  My mouth gapes open. I look over at Amber and she starts crying. I grab her hand as hard as I can. I close my eyes and feel Alex's grasp on me tighten. I think about the coral garden where Alex and I decided we would be friends. I gather strength from that thought. This strong man beside me, who is willing to do anything to protect me.

  I open my eyes when I feel the water change. The three of us are hovering in the center of the coral. The fields are empty for as far as the eye can see.

  I turn to Amber who has collapsed onto the sand with her face in her hands. Her shoulders are shaking as she sobs. I swim over to her and take her in my arms. She cries softly on my shoulder. "Amber, listen to me, you didn't mean it. I know. They've been here a long time now. When they took you, they made you do it and they made y
ou forget."

  She pulls away sniffling, "I just...I don't...remember any of it."

  I nod my head, "I know, they made you forget. Right after I found Jack in the cave, they took you, that must have been it. The Erebus wanted you to get them in so they could have a way to attack from the inside."

  "But Seamus will never believe me, not after Jack...and...what he did."

  I glance over at Alex, my strength is faltering, thinking about how Jack not only hurt me but also his own flesh and blood.

  Alex pulls her up as I swim over to sit on the coral. He pulls her to sit beside me then he turns and faces us.

  His voice takes on a different tone, more demanding, "It's going to be everywhere soon. We won't be safe here. Amber, you will just have to stay away from castle mer-men for now. They will be looking for you. Ever, Seamus will be looking for you too. He will want you front and center in this battle."

  I shake my head, "No, I...can't."

  He swims up, grabs my hand, "Yes, that is your purpose here remember, you can."

  I take a deep breath and nod not believing I'm capable of anything he believes me to be.

  He takes on a more authoritative tone and continues, "It's going to get ugly. You just have to believe in it. We can't let anyone else come to the sea from land. The powers are too strong and too unpredictable. They don't understand us and the more they know, the more that puts us in danger. Our world is already, changed, we have to stop it from changing anymore, now."

  He adds, "We will have to go to the castle to gather our weapons and let Seamus know we are ready to join the battle. Amber, when we go, you need to hide. They've already checked your dwelling, so that might be the safest place for you."

  As I watch this Alex I think about how he's never voiced his convictions about this whole thing. As he mentions the land thing, I know he is completely speaking about me and James. And in some far part of me, my heart twists a little more and I question once again, am I doing the right thing? Do I really believe what I'm fighting for? I have to, if this weren't a possibility, I wouldn't be here. I would really be on my way to college. Yes, I decide, I have to do this so no one else can ruin their lives like I have.

  ***

  Saying goodbye to Amber was so hard. She is like the sister I never had. This is why I try to avoid goodbyes at all costs.

  Alex and I traveled to the training room in the castle. He suddenly changed, like now he's battle Alex. Not sure I like this version of him. I'm trembling at the thought of facing Seamus and his entourage. His expectations of me, at this point, are enough to make me lose it. We all know I can't deal when that happens.

  "Ever, did you get your bow?"

  "What?" I turn toward his voice. He is just entering the room after leaving me alone for a minute.

  "I..."

  He faces me and puts his hands on my cheeks, "Why are you so sad?" I shrug not wanting to get into this with him. He slowly lowers his lips to mine. Before my brain registers what is happening, my lips are exploring his. My body slowly calms and my hand grasps the back of his neck, getting lost in his hair and pulling him closer. Our lips part as we explore. My brain is mush and I'm embracing every part of mush, I can get. The kiss ends and slowly we pull away. He looks so sure of himself.

  I ask half out of breath and very unsure, "What was that?"

  His lips turn up and that dimple shows front and center, "We'll call it a friendship kiss."

  I point my finger in the center of his chest and push, smiling, "No more friendship kisses."

  I point to my heart and head, "Causes confusion between the heart and the head. We are only using the head these days"

  He chuckles with a smoldery look, "I'll take that into consideration."

  Then he leans closer again. I back up and turn to the wall of bows. I busy myself selecting a bow and quiver of arrows. As I turn back, he is in front of me again. I'm kicking myself now. I should have never let that happen.

  He produces a dagger between us. It's the most beautiful dagger I've ever seen. The handle is gilded with gold and red jewels. He grabs my hand, turns it over and places it in my palm.

  "This was my mother's. I didn't get to train you with it so use it sparingly."

  I frown and try to give it back, "No Alex, I can't, this is important to your family."

  He shakes his head refusing to take it, "You need it, just in case. It protected my mom..."

  I can tell he was going to say something else but he turns before he can add anything.

  "Alex, I'm sorry...Is your mom..."

  He turns across the room and meets my gaze, "Killed in a battle, like so many others..."

  I can tell he doesn't want to talk about it.

  He crosses the room again and fastens a knife holder around my waist. I place the knife securely in it's spot and vow not to use it and return it as soon as I can. Obviously it means a lot to him.

  He grabs my hand and guides us into the hall. Then he stops and turns to face me. Oh no, not again, I can't let this happen again.

  Both his hands rest on my shoulders. I rest both my hands on his chest, just in case.

  "Ever, you can do this, I know you can. Take a deep breath and believe in yourself."

  I do as he tells me. I take a deep breath and calm flows though me with just a hint of confidence and a lot of fear.

  Chapter 39

  James

  I look across the field in front of me and see that the cause of the cloudy water is the churning of the sand. Bodies are moving fast across the field, all moving with a purpose. I look off in the distance toward the city of the Lior and see small flashes of light. This must be it. The battle must be starting. My sister suddenly pops into my head. I hope she is safe through all of this and I hope we don't have to face each other.

  I don't recognize any of these Erebus and none stop to find out anything about me. I glance toward the caves and barely make out the doors. Better than nothing. I head in that general direction. When I finally make it to the door, it swings inward and Jaspen is hovering in the water before me.

  "Ah there you are my boy. I thought I was going to have to come and find you."

  He frowns and shakes his head, "That wouldn't have been right. But no matter, here you are."

  He slaps me on the back and guides me through the door. "Are you ready for the fight of your life?"

  When he puts it like that, Uh, NO!

  I wince, "Ah, Not sure..."

  "Yes you are, I sent Sara to make sure of it."

  This perks my interest. "Where is she? Um Sara, I mean?"

  "Oh yes, I was afraid of that, well, she's rather busy at the moment. Don't worry yourself with her."

  I'm confused. He was afraid of what? I'm about to ask when the door down the hall to the right of the entryway opens. I look over and see Jack swimming toward us. He has the most miserable look on his face yet. He seems thin and more gaunt, than the last time I saw him. As he swims, his green eyes bore into me with anger. Obviously he's not over the fact that I wouldn't let him see Ever last week.

  Jaspen glances over at him, "Jack, will you get James settled and bring him to my quarters. It's time we all talk battle strategies."

  Jack nods at Jaspen and tilts his head for me to follow him. He leads us down the hall toward the room I used the last time I was here. Once we're in, I set my bag down on the bunk, if you can even call it that. I turn to lay into him about Ever. Now's my chance to pummel him, It's going to feel so good to get back at him for hurting my sister. I close the space between us with clenched fists. He has his hands up in surrender before I can even get the first punch out.

  "Whoa, James, it's not exactly as it seems."

  I lower my fist but keep it clenched. I'm seeing red the more I look at this douche bag.

  "What is it exactly then? You broke my sister's heart."

  He glances at the door and looks at the bunk and back at me, like he's defeated. I nod. He sits and puts his head in his hands. My fists loosen.
Maybe he's not in the best of shape either.

  Finally, he glances back at the door and at me, "We should go, Jaspen will be expecting us."

  "Just spit it out Jack, Why did you even get involved with Ever if you were going to wreck her?"

  He winces at my choice of words, "I didn't...I thought...I thought... she's with Alex now."

  Okay he's going to avoid my questions.

  I shake my head and relax a little more, "She's not. You...she hasn't gotten over you."

  He gets up heading for the door. I put my arm up blocking his way. I'm not letting it go this time.

  He looks over before hitting my arm and says under his breath, "We can't discuss this here. It's not the right place."

  He points around the room and to his ear. I get it, they're listening in. I move my arm for him to pass and follow him out. There must be more to this whole thing than what I originally thought. I place my hand on his arm to stop him and he turns.

  "I'm not letting this go."

  He nods.

  I add, before letting go of his arm, "Where is Sara?"

  A worried look crosses his face but quickly he recovers.

  He shrugs his shoulders, "Not sure, I think Jaspen sent her out to the shield around the city."

  I frown suddenly worried, "Why would he do that?"

  "They are starting to...They have to get through the shield to get into the city."

  I panic, "But she's not safe, she shouldn't be there where they're fighting."

  I start to swim toward the door to get out of the caves. Jack grabs my arm this time. He smirks and tells me, "Actually James, you don't have anything to worry about with Sara. She can ruin...no, she can handle a lot...believe me."

  I nod and follow him down the hall. I glance back one more time at the door. As soon as Jaspen's through with me, I'm there.

  ***

  Jaspen has been talking in circles for hours now. My head hurts from this shit. I just want to find Sara and hit my bed. I have a feeling though, it's going to be a long time til I see the inside of my eyelids.