Finding My Forever

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “Oh God, he can’t breathe.” Liam and Harrison grab my arms to steady me. I don’t like hospitals and the bad things that go along with them. The whish and hum of machines designed to mimic human functions. The constant beep, beep, beeping of vital signs being measured.

  “Come on, Jenna, be strong. Think about the baby. Jimmy needs you to be strong for the baby right now.” Liam’s voice is too calm. I look at him briefly and know he’s holding everything in.

  We step further into the room. I see his nurse first before I see him. I take a step back when I finally lay my eyes on him. His Mohawk is flattened, his eyes closed. There’s a tube coming out of his mouth, and wires everywhere. My hand covers my mouth as I cry out, which gets the nurses attention. She looks up from her computer screen with a scowl on her face.

  “Only one visitor at a time.”

  “We know,” Liam says. “This is his wife and as you can see, she’s pregnant and unsteady on her feet.”

  “Shh,” she says, pointing to the curtain behind us. “Someone is sleeping in there.”

  The three of us turn our heads and look. I look at Harrison, who shakes his head then to Liam who looks pissed off as hell.

  “Why isn’t he in a private room with security?” Liam asks.

  “He’s just a patient. I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Only one visitor at a time.”

  Liam nods and leads me over to Jimmy’s bedside. Harrison slides a chair over for me to sit in. You’d think the nurse would do this, but apparently it’s not her job.

  “We’re going to go see about getting JD moved. We’ll be right back,” Liam whispers in my ear. I don’t know what he’s going to do, but I have a feeling this nurse isn’t going to like it.

  I lay my hand on top of Jimmy’s and rest my head by his leg. I really want to crawl into bed with him and hold him like he holds me, but I know that isn’t possible. Tears fall silently from my eyes as the pain in my chest builds. I want to talk to him, but not with this nurse in here. What I have to say is private, for his ears only. Who knows what this chick will blog about when she gets home at the end of her shift or who she’s texting.

  “You should talk to him.” Her tone is snotty, which pisses me off.

  “I want to, but you’re here.” My words have bite but I don’t care. I know he needs to hear my voice, but damn it if I want only him to hear me. Thing is, I wouldn’t care if Liam and Harrison were with me.

  “Where’s his wedding ring?” I ask.

  “Behind you. His personal belongings are in that bag.”

  I get up and go to the bag and dump its contents on the counter. His ring clanks on the hard wooden top, along with his wallet, chain and watch. I open his wallet to pull out the picture of Little One. I think he needs it. He needs to feel close to her.

  “He had a picture in his wallet, it’s not here.”

  “I don’t know what to tell you.”

  When I look back, she’s smirking. She knows damn well where that picture went.

  “It’s okay,” I say, sliding his wallet into my purse. “I’ll just let his doctor know that someone went through his wallet.”

  She scoffs. “Maybe he took it out.”

  “Or maybe he didn’t because he showed it to me before he went on stage.” I stand tall and lean over Jimmy. “My husband carries that photo everywhere he goes, it’s his daughter. Funny how he’s not able to account for his belongings at the moment isn’t it?”

  “Well, I’m sure it’ll turn up.”

  Turn up? What’s she going to do, put it back in the bag after I leave the room? Does she actually think I’m going to leave his side?

  I sit back down and pick up Jimmy’s hand. He’s warm and for me that’s a good sign. I hold his hand to my face, placing my lips there. I don’t know if he can feel my tears, but I hope they aren’t annoying him.

  I don’t know how long I sit there like that, with him. Minutes? Hours? For me time has stopped. The constant whoosh and beep are somewhat soothing, although I’d give anything for him to open his eyes and smile at me.

  Every so often the nurse stands, presses some buttons and sits back down. I want to look at her computer screen and see if she’s playing Solitaire or if she’s actually working. She’s probably checking all her social media sites.

  Liam and Harrison walk back into the room followed by a tall man.

  “Jenna, this is Dr. Bryant, he’s the hospital Director. We’re going to move JD to a private room and he’s going to waive the one visitor rule.”

  I’ve never been more amazed by Liam than I am now. I stand and pull him into my arms. He knows that I need him and Harrison right now, just as much as they need to be near Jimmy.

  “Mrs. Davis, I’m sorry about your husband.”

  “Thank you,” I choke out as I shake his hand. “I just want him to wake up so I can take him home.”

  “Yes, of course, we’re doing all we can for him.”

  And just like that the glass wall to Jimmy’s room is collapsed. Men and women come in and transfer wires to another machine that they set on top of him. The nurse, who unfortunately has to come with us, pushes her cart out. Jimmy’s bed is pulled from the wall and we follow behind. I can’t look at anyone while we pass. I don’t want to see their faces or know that they recognize who is in that bed.

  His new room is much larger with windows that overlook the courtyard. At least now we’ll have something to look at.

  “Mrs. Davis, I’m assuming you’ll be staying here?”

  “We all will be and his mom will be here soon,” Harrison answers. “We also have two more coming, our wives, that will need access. I’m not sure if they’ll stay, but at least for a few days they’ll be here.”

  “It’s against…”

  “I told you, we’ll pay and we’ll make a fucking donation to the hospital if he walks out of here alive,” Liam fires back.

  “Of course, Mr. Page.”

  Mr. Page? Looks like Liam used his status to get his way. I know he doesn’t like to do that, but I’m thankful he did.

  “This nurse,” I ask, pointing to her. “Does she have to stay or can she set up outside his door?”

  “Oh no, she can set up in the hall like the others do.”

  “Perfect.” I arch my eyebrow at her. Take that you wench. “Also, my husband had a picture of our daughter’s ultrasound in his wallet. He showed it to me before he went on stage and now it’s not there. I’m wondering if you can ask the staff that handled his belongings if they’ve found it.”

  “The lawsuit, if it’s leaked, won’t be pretty,” Liam adds, making me wish I could think quickly on my feet like him.

  Dr. Bryant nods before leaving us to Jimmy. I let Harrison and Liam go to his side while I stand at the foot of the bed. My hand rests on his foot, while the guys pick up each of his hands. Liam’s shoulders shake and Harrison is gasping for air. I don’t know who to go to first so I stand there and watch as these brothers cry for one of their own. I’ll never pretend to understand their bond, not after witnessing this.

  I lose track of time. I’m stiff, sore and hungry. My arms ache from the position they’ve been in. My back burns from the strain and Little One is kicking up something fierce. I didn’t bring my headphones because Jimmy would’ve just sung to her, but he’s not singing… yet.

  Hours – that’s how long we’ve been here. The sun is up, or maybe it’s setting again and I’m really not with it. Harrison’s head rests at the end of Jimmy’s bed, while Liam is opposite me. Both of them are asleep, exhaustion finally taking over, but neither of them are willing to leave this room.

  I can’t blame them. I’m not leaving either. I hate getting up to go to the bathroom as it is. Gary has moved the tour bus to the parking lot. I can see it from the window. People - mostly women - gather around it. I had suggested that Liam and Harrison go and sleep in there, but they just shook their heads. We know the first twenty-four hours are critical; those are the words that we recall and each
time he twitches or the machines beeps a little more rapidly, I panic. And when I panic, they panic. The cycle is endless.

  I sit in the windowsill watching the small vigil form by the bus. They must be the fans that saw the shooting happen. It won’t be long before the press is outside and the bus is surrounded. Gary said the detective is coming by today; he needs my statement. I have to relive the nightmare. I have to recall every second of what I remember from last night as it unfolded, in slow motion, right before my eyes. The only thing I want to know is, where’s Damien?

  The door opens slowly and the nurse, a much nicer one, waves me over. I slide off the windowsill carefully and walk to her. She holds the door open for me to follow her out. I look at Jimmy and back at her and she knows. She places her hand on my shoulder and leads me to the window where I can still see him.

  Months ago, I wouldn’t be standing here. I’d be at home, taking care of the kids if this had happened. But he knew… he knew that we were having a baby and wasn’t going to take no for an answer when he asked me to marry him. The whole time during the ceremony I thought he was doing it so I wouldn’t be alone, but that wasn’t the case. He did it because he wants us to be a family.

  “I’m sorry to bother you, but I wanted to give you this.” She hands me Little One’s ultrasound picture. Tears fill my eyes immediately. The nurse rests her hand on my shoulder, giving me the comfort I need. “I’m sorry you’re going through this, but we’ve taken steps to eliminate the issue from arising again.”

  “Thank you,” I say with a broken voice.

  “I think I have something that will make you smile Mrs. Davis, there are two women out front who are asking for you.”

  “Did they say who they are?” My luck is they’re crazed fans trying to get in to see Jimmy.

  The nurse fishes a piece of paper out of her pocket. “Katelyn Powell and Josie Westbury, is what I have here. They seem very eager to see you.” She smiles softly. She knows what those two names mean to me.

  I know a smile is breaking out across my face and it’s going hand-in-hand with tears. “Thank you, you can let them in.”

  She nods and walks away. I look back into the room, Liam and Harrison are still sleeping so I leave them be. I’m going to be selfish and fall into the arms of my best friends before their men come to take them away from me.

  Their strides are long and powerful and they race to me once they get around the corner. They drop their bags and pull me into their arms. The definition of a group hug is nothing compared to being held by your two best friends. Words don’t need to be said, the emotion is enough. I can feel their shoulders shake, and hear their labored breathing. We are all sharing the pain and anguish of not knowing.

  Josie breaks first. She wipes her eyes before picking up her bag. She leaves me with Katelyn. When I look at her, it’s not pity I see in her eyes, but knowledge. Katelyn’s been here. She knows what I’m going through.

  Katelyn takes my hand in hers and holds it to her heart. Not only can I feel her heart beating, but under my palm are her wedding rings. They hang from a necklace the twins bought her for her birthday. She places her hand over mine and closes her eyes.

  “I went to see Mason before we got on the plane. Sometimes when I’m there I don’t say anything and other times I talk about the girls, Harrison and Quinn. But this time I told him what you’re going through and asked him to help. No one knows this, but I asked him for a sign that being with Harrison was going to be okay and it started snowing. Right there with me lying on the ground a snowflake fell so I took that and ran with it. As you know, Mason was pretty amazing and he loved you so I know he’s watching over Jimmy.

  “I’m here for you, Jenna, whatever you need. You were there for me so many times when I was going through everything. I hate seeing… this type of place with us here.”

  “You don’t need to stay, Katelyn, I know it’s hard.”

  Katelyn shakes her head. She lets her tears fall. “I need to be here. This is where I’m supposed to be.”

  I know it’s hard for her to be here. I know it’s going to be difficult for her to walk into Jimmy’s room and see him looking similar to the way Mason looked. I won’t be upset if she can’t handle this. I hope she knows this.

  Katelyn and I walk hand-in-hand back to Jimmy’s room. Josie waits for us by the door. I step in first. Liam and Harrison are still out cold. I think it’s sweet, to see them like this, but once they know the girls are here things will become emotional again.

  Josie wraps her arms around Liam, and Katelyn leans down and kisses Harrison on his cheek. Harrison wakes first and moves out of his chair lightning fast. Katelyn is off the ground before she knows what’s hit her. He has his face buried in her neck. Her legs are wrapped around his waist and her hand holds his head to hers. He carries her out of the room. Only when I sit down do I see Liam wake, but he’s not moving. He’s holding onto Josie’s arms while she whispers in his ear.

  Liam wasn’t here when we went through this with Mason and neither was Harrison, but they both know the magnitude of what this moment means for Josie and Katelyn.

  “What are they saying?” Josie asks.

  I shake my head. “They monitor everything. Right now they’re watching for blood clots. And… and I don’t know. I just want him to wake-up so we can go home,” I say, trying to keep my voice from breaking. I pick up Jimmy’s hand and hold it to my lips.

  “The press is outside and there are fans in the parking lot. Gary says there isn’t much he can do about it because they’re not disrupting anyone and they’re staying out of the way. There are a lot of flowers and gifts by the bus. Gary said he’ll leave them there until people stop showing up.

  “The shooting is all over the news and media channels. A few of the channels are outside. I think they’re waiting for you and Harrison to say something.”

  “They can wait,” Liam says sharply.

  “Okay, babe. Gary will take care of it.” Josie rubs his shoulders trying to soothe him.

  “We brought you some more clothes, Jenna. Katelyn and I will make sure you guys have food and whatever else you need so you only have to leave for a few minutes at a time. What do you need right now?”

  “For my husband to wake up.”

  “She needs food and a shower.”

  I glare at Liam. “No, I don’t. You need to go shower.”

  “Why are you wearing scrubs?”

  Liam looks at Josie over his shoulder before looking back at Jimmy. “I was there. I held him until the paramedics arrived.”

  “Oh, Liam,” Josie cries as she wraps her arms around him. “Come on, let’s go and get cleaned up and when we come back, I’ll take Jenna to get some food.”

  I open my mouth to balk, but the look Josie gives me shuts my mouth. I don’t want to leave, but the thought of food makes Little One kick. I can’t neglect her. I need her.

  As soon as they’re gone I lay my head on Jimmy’s leg. I want to be near his heart, but I can’t touch his chest. It’ll cause him pain and I can’t have that. I hold his hand and take a deep breath.

  “Jimmy, I need you to fight and come back to us. Little One and I need you. She wants to know her daddy and I know you want to meet her. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have taken me to Bora Bora and asked me to marry you. You made me think you were asking because I was having a baby, when you knew the whole time that we were going to have our baby.

  “The night of Josie and Liam’s wedding, you were my fantasy come true. I had told the girls that you were on my list, but I never imagined days later it would happen. When you came up to me, I didn’t have any fear. You were someone I wanted. The only one I wanted since I left my other life. I asked myself many times since that night, why you, and the only answer I can come up with is that my body craved you. When I would look at you, I could see myself with you and as much as that scared me, I wanted it. If anyone were to ask me then why I married you my answer would be because you charmed me. You have this way ab
out you, it’s hard to describe.

  “That day at the doctor’s when you showed up late and I asked for a divorce, you were adamant that we weren’t getting one. I wanted to walk away, but you wouldn’t let me. I’ve wanted to ask you about Los Angeles, but I haven’t. Half of me doesn’t want to know, but the other half does. But right now I just want you to wake-up and sing to me, sing to our baby because she misses you. I miss you.”

  “You must be my daughter-in-law.”

  “WHY isn’t he awake yet?” I pull at my hair as I pace back and forth. “It’s been two weeks. He made it through the twenty-four hour mark. His brain activity is normal, so why isn’t he awake?” I ask the doctor who’s flashing his pen light in Jimmy’s eyes.

  “We aren’t sure?”

  “What do you mean, ‘you aren’t sure’? You’re the damn doctor and my husband has been like this for fourteen days.”

  “I understand Mrs. Davis,” he says as he pockets his pen. If Jimmy was awake I know he’d say something about the pocket protector. Who wears those anymore?

  “No, you don’t understand.” I sigh and rest my head against the wall. I’m frustrated and scared. I don’t understand their nonchalance about all of this. Why isn’t he awake?

  Brigette comes over and rubs my shoulders. She’s been a godsend since she arrived. I know I have Liam and Harrison here with me and Katelyn and Josie on the weekends, but Brigette has been a rock for me. When she walked in the door, I didn’t know what to expect.

  “You must be my daughter-in-law.”

  I turn and look behind me. A woman stands in the doorway, she’s petite, blonde and very well put together. Her dress fits her body perfectly, stopping just above her knees. She screams money. If I didn’t know better, I’d say she’s someone who snuck in here to be close to Jimmy. She doesn’t look like a mom, but she does look like Jimmy. Or rather he looks like her, except with dark hair.