Finding My Forever

by Heidi McLaughlin

  “Hi,” I say, meekly. This is not how I wanted to meet my mother-in-law. She’s supposed to be here a week before Little One arrives and Jimmy is supposed to introduce us. I wipe my hands on my pants and stand on shaky legs. I walk closer to her, blocking her line of sight to Jimmy. I extend my hand. “I’m Jenna.”

  She looks at me with an unreadable expression. I feel like a moron standing here like this. She probably hates me. I would, it’s my ex that did this to her son. She drops the oversized bag she is holding and wraps her arms around me, catching me off guard. Her embrace is tight and welcoming. I close my arms around her and hug her back as if we haven’t seen each other in years.

  “I’m Brigette,” she says, pulling away. She sets her hands on my shoulders and appraises me. “Well Jimmy said you were beautiful, but he obviously forgot to add that you’re also stunning.” I blush and shake my head.

  “I’m gross,” I say. “I think he’d say something else if he saw me right now.”

  She shakes her head. “He’d say, ‘hey mum, look at my wife, isn’t she gorgeous?’ And you are. You staying by his bed holding his hand and saying those words to him, makes you the most beautiful woman in the world, in my book.”

  “I’m really happy you’re here.”

  “So am I, I just wish we were meeting each other in happier circumstances like the birth of my first granddaughter. Can I?” She looks down at my stomach and back at me. Just as quickly as I give my okay, her hands are on my stomach.

  “Hi there, baby, I’m your grandma.” And as if she knows, Little One kicks nice and hard. Brigette’s mouth drops open in surprise as I choke back a half laugh, half cry. Jimmy’s missing this and that breaks my heart.

  “You’ll have to forgive my daughter-in-law, she’s tired and uncomfortable. I know it has nothing to do with that tiny little bed you’ve given her and the lack of sleep she gets because the night nurse is still checking on my son every few minutes.”

  I try not to smile, but in this moment I love Brigette. She takes shots at the doctor and night nurse every chance she gets, but she does it with a smile and British words that make them think she’s being nice to them.

  “We can send in another bed.”

  “That would be lovely,” she says without missing a beat. “Also, send in an obstetrician. I can’t see her flying home any time soon to attend an appointment when her husband is like this.”

  “I’ll send in the necessary forms –“

  Brigette stops rubbing my shoulders. I turn and watch as she faces off with the doctor. “You should call her doctor in Beaumont to make things easier for her. She’s under a lot of stress and is very close to her due date. Please respect the fact that she doesn’t want to leave her husband’s side and send your colleague down here.”

  I can see the doctor sigh and try not to laugh. “I’ll have someone come down to see Mrs. Davis.” The doctor takes his leave, shutting Jimmy’s door behind him.

  “You’re brilliant.”

  Brigette shrugs, walking over to Jimmy. She threads her fingers through his hair and smiles. “I was going to be a solicitor when I met Jimmy’s dad. I was young and stupid and thought I could tame him, and maybe I did at first, but it didn’t last very long.”

  “Jimmy doesn’t talk about his dad.”

  She shakes her head. “No, I don’t imagine he does. James treats Jimmy as a friend or drinking partner, but never as a son. I sent Jimmy to live with his father because he wanted to be a musician. I had hoped Jimmy would grow out of it, but he didn’t. Not that I don’t appreciate what he does, but this is how I saw him, with a wife and a baby on the way. I didn’t want him to end up like his father, but the music is in his veins.

  “When Jimmy rang me and told me he was married, I prayed it wasn’t some drunken Vegas wedding conducted by one of those Elvis impersonators. The minute he started telling me about you, I knew he had found someone to love him the way he deserves to be loved.”

  “We’re the cliché one-night stand who ends up pregnant.”

  Brigette smiles. “And that night changed his life. I can remember all the phones calls after that. I didn’t know what happened, but I knew something had changed. He started talking about hanging around in Beaumont more and for the life of me I had no idea why until he told me about you. One night stand or not, you changed his life.”

  “WHAT the bloody hell are you doing here?” I jump at the sound of Brigette’s voice and her book slamming. I look groggily around the room before another body comes into focus. Standing in the doorway is Jimmy’s dad. Even though I’ve never met him, I know who he is, everyone does and there’s no mistaking him now.

  “It’s good to see you too, Brigette. I see my money is treating you well.” Brigette stands, setting her afghan and book in her chair.

  “James, what are you doing here?”

  “Is that not my son lying there?”

  Brigette looks at me to Jimmy and back to me. Her eyes tell me everything, she’s sorry. “You don’t get to pick and choose when you’re going to be a father, James.”

  James stares her down as he walks by her, taking the empty seat next to Jimmy’s bed. “Who are you? You let some groupie in here, Brigette? That’s unlike you.”

  “I’m his wife,” I say, proudly.

  He scoffs. “I thought I told him to leave you curbside.”

  “Excuse me?”

  He cocks an eyebrow. “Same trick his mother used to trap me. I told my boy he shouldn’t be falling for this shit.”

  “For the love of God, James, you don’t even know the full story. There is no way Jimmy would confide in you. Don’t listen to him Jenna, he’s full of crap.”

  “My son thinks with his dick. I know him better than you think.”

  This can’t be happening. It can’t be. What kind of heartless person is this man?

  “That’s enough, James.” Liam comes into view and I swear he puffs out his chest. “If you think for a minute that you’re welcome here, you’re sadly mistaken. And if you think you’re going to disrespect Jenna and Brigette I won’t need security to escort you, I’ll do it myself.”

  “How in God’s name did you even get in here?” Brigette asks.

  James smiles and I know how without him even saying the words.

  “Unbelievable,” she says.

  “I think you owe Jimmy’s wife an apology,” Liam says as he sits down on my bed-turned-couch during the day.

  “No, it’s fine. I don’t want him to pretty up his ugly-assed words with a half-assed apology.”

  Liam and Brigette laugh, which causes James to shake his head. It’s clear now why Jimmy never talked about his dad. I wouldn’t talk about him either. Jimmy is nothing like him; at least he’s not now. I can’t imagine Jimmy ever being this way though. I know he was a man-whore, but the way James is, it’s too chauvinistic and patronizing.

  “I’ll let you stay –“

  “You’ll let me stay?”

  I stand, not that I can do anything to this man, but he needs to know I’m serious. “Yes, I’ll let you stay. This is my husband, you have no say here. If you’re in here, it’s because I say so. Tough shit if you don’t like it, I don’t care. My husband is in a damn coma and I won’t have you in here thinking your shit doesn’t stink, Mr. Davis.”

  I sit back down and bite the inside of my cheek when Liam starts clapping. “No wonder Jimmy loves you,” he says. I try not to smile, but I can’t help it. I bury my face into Jimmy’s side, not wanting to look at anyone.

  “James, were you coming to get me or what?”

  I roll my eyes and look over my shoulder. This face I know. I’ve seen her before. Liam stands and so does Brigette. My eyes travel down to her mid-section and see it protruding, just not as big as mine.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” Liam blurts out.

  “You’re pregnant?” Brigette asks. She looks at James, who shrugs.

  “Who are you?” I ask breaking up the back and forth. />
  “I’m Chelsea –”

  “She’s Jimmy’s ex and a vapid little whore.”

  Chelsea rolls her eyes. “You never change, Liam.”

  “I see that you don’t either. Let me guess, you’re here to pin that on Jimmy?” Liam points to her belly. My stomach turns, my mouth drops open. This can’t be happening.

  “It’s not Jimmy’s.” Harrison walks into the room with our lunch. He sets it down on the table and proceeds to kiss Brigette on the cheek. “Don’t worry about her. He loves you,” he whispers in my ear, before kissing me on the cheek.

  Harrison surveys the room. “Before you even open your mouth, Chelsea, to blame Jimmy for your pregnancy, I know the truth.”

  “Truth?” I ask.

  “His father knocked up his ex.”

  “Oh good Lord, you’re going to burn in hell, James.”

  BEEP… beep… beep

  Beep… beep… beep

  Beep… beep… beep

  Beep… beep… beep

  Beep… beep… beep

  The voices I hear sound familiar, but I can’t see their faces.

  A hand touches mine, keeping me warm. This touch is familiar and comfortable, but I want to know who it is.

  Fingers run through my hair. I want to move my head into that warm hand. I try, but to no avail.

  My throat hurts. I’ve swallowed something big and it’s stuck. How am I breathing?

  Beep… beep… beep

  Beep… beep… beep

  Beep… beep… beep

  Beep… beep… beep

  What is that noise?

  I need to see it.

  I need to make it stop. It’s hurting my head.

  My chest hurts. It’s a dull pain, but none-the-less it hurts and I have no idea why.

  Why am I hurting?

  Where the hell am I?

  Why are the curtains…? The curtains aren’t closed.

  Pain rips through my side, cutting off my air. I can’t breathe.

  My eyes flash open.

  I gag on the foreign object that’s down my throat.

  “Calm down, Jimmy, let me help you.”

  I look into a pair of brown eyes that I don’t recognise. Her hair is grey and pulled back away from her face.

  “I know you’re scared, but I need you to listen to me. This is a tube to help you breathe. You’ve sustained some damage to your lungs and before we remove the tube we’ll need an x-ray. Now there’s a room full of people waiting to see you so I’m going to sit you up, but no talking. If you feel the need to cough, please do. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

  The moment she moves out of my line of vision, I’m searching for the green eyes that light up my world. My bed rises and I blink rapidly to clear my eyes. She’ll be here, right?

  Her smile, that’s what I see first. I try to smile back, but this fucking tube is in my way. Her beautiful eyes are watery and red-rimmed. She’s been crying and I haven’t been around to comfort her. I raise my arms, well as far as my left one will go. I look down briefly, and see multiple tubes coming out of it. I’m a fucking wreck.

  Jenna moves closer. Her fingers touch my check and move down to my chin. I lean into her touch, needing to feel her on my skin. She rests her forehead against mine. I feel her body shake. My right arm moves slowly. Once I’m touching her, I’m not going to stop. I hold her head to mine and try to get her to kiss me. I may not be able to move my lips much, but I know she can and right now I need them to touch me.

  She knows what I want because she wants it too. When her lips touch my cheek, it’s like an explosion. Fireworks go off in my chest. My skin tingles. I don’t know if I’ll ever survive without her. I guess I’ll never tempt fate to find out.

  “I’m so sorry, Jimmy. I love you so much,” she pulls away far too soon for me. I know there are other people in the room, but right now I don’t give a shit. I only want her. I have no idea why she’s apologising and I don’t care. I don’t want her to leave me.

  I move my hand down to her stomach and push against Little One. My heart races when she pushes back. She knows her daddy’s touch. Jenna holds my hand there for a moment before backing away.

  My mum comes into view and she looks more beautiful than the last time I saw her. “Oh, Jimmy,” she says as she kisses my cheek. She’s crying too and I’m starting to realise that I might not be okay.

  I grunt, getting Jenna’s attention. I pull at the tube in my mouth, but she knocks my hand away. I fight around her hand trying to pull it out. I need to ask what happened. I don’t remember how I got here.

  “Jimmy, stop,” she says, holding my hand down. I know I’m stronger than her, but right now I can’t get out of her grip. “I know you’re upset, but it’s okay. We aren’t going anywhere.”

  I shake my head. That’s not what I’m upset about. I need to know what the fuck happened to me. I relax so she will let go of my hand and when she does, I make the phone sign, holding my fingers up to my ear. She knows exactly what I need and starts searching through her bag for her phone. She hands it to me and I type my question.

  What happened to me?

  She pulls away the phone and reads my message. Her eyes find mine and I can see the pain and hurt in them. She looks so sad. I hate thinking that I’m the reason she looks like that. She picks up my hand and holds it, locking our fingers together.

  “You were shot,” she says taking a deep breath. “Damien was there. I saw him and he had a gun. He shot you and escaped. The bullet went through both your lungs and exited. You’ve been in here a month.”

  I listen to what she says, grabbing for her phone again. Where is he?

  She shakes her head. “They haven’t found him yet, but the detectives have been very good and stop by every day to see how you’re doing. We’ve all given statements. They’re looking for him.

  A month?

  She nods. “Yeah and I haven’t left yet. The guys are here too, and Katelyn and Josie come on the weekends. Gary’s outside with the bus and you have fans waiting for you to wake-up. Liam and Harrison have even done an acoustic set for them. The press was here for a while, but they left after a week, but I’m sure they’ll be back. Your dad and his girlfriend are here.”

  My eyes widen. I don’t want Jenna to be anywhere in the vicinity of my dad.

  “Don’t worry, I know, but you can tell me your side when you’re better. We’re good, Jimmy.”

  I love you, I type to her.

  She smiles. “I love you too.”

  Little one?

  “She’s good. Josie brought my headphones so she could listen to you. It’s almost time though, Jimmy.”

  You’re bigger.

  Jenna laughs and even though I can’t remember not hearing her for a month, I’ve missed her laugh. “Yeah, I’m as big as a whale.”

  I shake my head and type: You’re fucking gorgeous, Sweet Lips.

  “I’ve missed that.”

  I’ll never stop.

  Before I can find a way to get her into my bed so I can show her how much I love her, the doctor walks in. I hate that Jenna has to move aside, but all the machines are right there and that’s where he needs to be.

  “How are you feeling, Jimmy?”

  Does he expect me to grunt my answer? Does he want me to act like a bloody zombie? Because I can. That’s what I feel like – like I’ve been run over repeatedly.

  “We’re going to take you down for an x-ray now. We usually do them here, but getting your wife to leave the room is a bit of a hassle.”

  I try to shrug, but fail miserably. I’m not gonna lie, knowing she was here the whole time makes me love her even more.

  “Here,” Jenna says, placing a piece of paper in my hand. I bring it up to my eyes and warmth surges through me. It’s my Little One and I don’t give a shit that in that picture, she looks like an alien life form. I know she’s growing inside of Jenna and ready to make her debut. I place the picture on my chest and squeeze Jenna’s hand as the n
urse starts moving my bed.

  I attempt my half-arsed smile at her. She loves me. I wink, which makes her giggle. Yeah I need to get the fuck out of this bed, and fast.

  JIMMY’S been having his x-ray for over two hours. I was told they’d be right back and to stay here, but he’s been gone too long. Between my hair pulling, lip chewing and constantly looking at my watch, I’m going crazy. Everyone else is as cool as a cucumber. I’m the only one freaking out. He just woke up and now he’s gone.

  Someone from the hospital is a snitch. The press is gathering outside and none of us have contacted them. I watch as they assemble in the space that was designated for them after Jimmy was shot. More fans are starting to show up too. They linger by the bus, waiting for one of the guys to come out and talk to them.

  Liam and Harrison have been so accommodating to them. I told Jimmy about the acoustic show, but it’s been more than that. The guys have had catered meals sent out to them and even held a three-hour meet and greet. When I asked them why, they said if they were going to sit outside and wait for word on Jimmy, this was the least they could do. I agreed, but opted to stay inside next to my husband instead of thanking them myself. Maybe when we leave, Jimmy and I can thank them together.

  “You should sit down, honey. He’ll be back soon.”

  “How do you know?” I ask Brigette. When Jimmy’s dad and his ex-girlfriend showed up pregnant, I thought she was going to come unglued. But she’s held strong and kept her head held high. Whatever James did to her, it doesn’t show.

  “James, what did you do?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Brigette.” I watch them, back and forth. James is smug and uncaring. I can tell by his tone. I look at the woman in the doorway. Her face flashes before my eyes. I’ve seen her so many times in the articles about the band. I was a fan of 4225 West long before I knew that Liam was Noah’s dad. I’d buy every magazine just to read the newest gossip and she’d been in there. They were engaged. I knew that.

  I look back at my sleeping husband and pray that he wakes up soon. I’m not mad that she’s here, but curious. And what does James have to do with her?