Make It Count

by Megan Erickson

  Kat picked up her book bag and slung it over her shoulder, still processing her professor’s words. He was already at his desk, packing his papers into his briefcase.

  “Thanks, Dr. Alzahabi. Thank you so much,” she said again, before darting out the door.

  She walked down the hall in a daze, dumbfounded she had managed to pull off that project. She had thought of the idea while watching an airing of Armageddon with Tara over the weekend. Ben Affleck’s character got frisky with Liv Tyler’s character with an animal cracker, and Kat had begun to think about which was the sexiest animal available in an animal cracker (lion, obviously). Then she thought about the odds of getting said sexy lion and then she had her statistics project.

  By herself.

  In pure Kat style.

  She had never been more proud of herself as she had been when she completed that project.

  The learning support center appointment was eye-opening. The exam the psychologist gave her covered an intelligence test and reading/writing test, which resulted in a dyslexia diagnosis. She talked to them about her attention problem, and she planned to go in for further testing to determine if she had an attention deficit disorder. They suspected, however, that it was part of her method for coping in a world she didn’t always understand. She’d been given some additional coping methods, such as chewing gum during tests—a trick that supposedly could help her focus.

  And as she worked on her project, she learned her wandering mind, which she had previously cursed, could be creative.

  No, there was no cure. She’d always have dyslexia. But it wasn’t an academic death sentence. The diagnosis was freeing, releasing her from the prison of constant misunderstanding.

  She had begun to realize her struggles and newfound knowledge of learning disabilities were an asset to her future as a teacher, not a hindrance. Thanks to Lea, the last two weeks had been productive. Kat had met with a great advisor who helped her declare her elementary-education major. She was officially out of the “undecided” club and squarely in the “I finally know what to do with my life” club.

  It was a good feeling.

  And last night, Alec’s text message had said, I still owe you a date. And then I can tell you in person how sorry I am.

  The message swelled her heart, but she kept her guard up, because she didn’t know if he knew what there was to be sorry about.

  When she burst out of the doors of the math and science building, a set of nervous, familiar brown eyes waited for her.

  “Max?” She walked up to him where he was seated on a stone bench under a blooming maple.

  “Hey,” he said.

  She sat down beside him. “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, sure. Everything’s fine. I ran into Danica at the TUB and she said you’d be here. I . . . uh . . . wanted to talk to you.”

  She nodded hesitantly. “Okay.”

  He tapped his fingers on his knees and pursed his lips. Kat waited for him to speak, staring as he worked his jaw. “Max—”

  “I’m sorry,” he said quickly, finally looking up at her. “I know I was a dick to you, and I’m sorry.”

  This was unexpected. He didn’t want to get back together, did he? Because that would be awkward. “Max, it’s in the past now—”

  He shook his head roughly. “No, please don’t brush it off. Can you accept my apology? I was an asshole. You know it and I know it.”

  “Okay, fine. I accept your apology, and I appreciate it.”

  Max smiled, and it was the smile she remembered from October when he’d first asked her out. He’d been so charming then. He’d make some girl really happy once he sorted himself out and realized what he had to offer.

  She returned his smile and patted his cheek, then quickly withdrew her hand. She didn’t want to give him any ideas. “But we can’t get back together, I—”

  “Whoa whoa whoa,” he held his hands up, palms out and leaned back. “No, that’s not why I apologized. Alec told me about you two.”

  You two. Like she and Alec were a real couple. She pushed that aside and focused on something else. “You two are talking?”

  Max’s faced reddened and he looked away. “He told you.”

  They didn’t have to mention the betrayal. “He told me.”

  “I didn’t cheat on you, just so you know.”

  That was good to know, but she cared more about what he did to Alec than the thought he’d done something to her. “Okay.”

  Max’s jaw twitched. “I apologized to him, too. Been saying ‘sorry’ a lot lately.”

  She dug her nails into her thighs. She wanted to yell at him, to tell him that’s what happened when you were a jerk to your girlfriend and slept with your best friend’s girlfriend, but Max looked like he knew all that. She didn’t need to tell him.

  “By the way,” Max said, “You gonna call Alec anytime soon? He’s mopey.”

  Kat laughed. “Are you and Danica teaming up? She used the same word to describe Alec. You guys at least need different adjectives next time you launch your offensive.”

  Max wrinkled his nose. “Danica and I are not on the same team. Oh wait, maybe we are, since we both like girls. I’m not sure.” He furrowed his brow and stared off into campus, as if he was trying to figure it out.

  A phone rang and Max reached into his pocket. He swiped his thumb across the screen to answer it. “Hey Cam.” Pause. “What do you mean he won’t come out?” Max stood up and put a hand on his hips “Well, fucking bang the door down, take off the hinges or something!” Kat placed her hand on his arm. Max looked at it, eyes squinted in concern, then he raised his head and met her eyes. “Never mind, Cam. I got a secret weapon.” He shoved his phone into his pocket and grabbed her hand. “Let’s go.

  She had to run to keep up with him as he dragged her across campus. “What? Where are we going?”

  “To my place,” he said irritably, like he couldn’t be bothered to explain why he was kidnapping her.

  She tried to dig her heels in to stop but Max was too strong. “Why?”

  When they reached his truck, he opened her door and pushed her inside. “Because Zuk needs you.”

  “Me?” she squeaked, but he’d already shut the door and was rounding the front of the truck. Why would he need her?

  When Max started the truck, she tried to plead her case, that she was sure there was nothing she could do, but Max cut her off, explaining Cam said Alec got a phone call from his mom. He had answered it in the living room and while talking, his face had paled. He’d run up to his bedroom and locked the door, refusing to answer except to say “I’m fine, just go away.”

  Cam wasn’t pacified by that.

  Kat gripped the seat with white knuckles as Max sped through the town like a demon, violating about a dozen traffic laws in between his road-rage curses.

  Kat pushed aside the insecurity over her ability to fix the situation. She wrung her hands because now there was a new, bigger worry. She hoped there wasn’t anything wrong with his mother. Alec didn’t need to lose another parent.

  Max took the turn onto his street with a screech and on what Kat could have sworn was two wheels. He parked and didn’t wait for her, flinging his door open and sprinting for the house. By the time she had followed him into the house and up the stairs, he was banging on Alec’s door, a fretting Cam beside him. “Let me in, Zuk! What the fuck?”

  Some sort of slow, depressing emo music, which Alec didn’t normally listen to, could be heard through the door. She didn’t know if he had searched Pandora for a “sad song” station or what.

  Elbowing Max out of the way, she placed her palm on the door. Unsure what to say, she went with the easiest thing. Her favorite word. “Alec.”

  The music stopped, followed by silence.

  She licked her lips and tried again. “Alec.”

  There was a rustling and a creaking, which she knew was his bed. There was movement at the corner of her eye and the doorknob rattled as he unlocked it from inside.


  Kat eyed Max and Cam, who both stepped back, conceding defeat. She gave them a small smile and walked in, shutting the door behind her.

  Alec was in a cocoon of sheets on the bed, his dark, glossy hair peeking out at the top where it rested on his pillow. She didn’t hesitate to go to him because no matter what, she cared about him. And he needed her. So she’d put aside her own fears and worries and do whatever she could to comfort him. She put a knee to the bed and crawled to him, lying on top of the covers, her front to his back, wrapping an arm around his waist, the other petting his hair.

  His breaths were even and deep. She would have thought he was asleep if he hadn’t just stood up to let her in his room.

  As she touched his head and ran her fingers over the hair at his temples, he shuddered, then turned to face her.

  There were no tears, but shadows lurked in his eyes. “How’d you get here?” he asked.

  “Why did you shut yourself in your room?”

  “How’d you get here?” he repeated.

  “Why did you shut yourself in your room?” she shot back.

  “I asked first,” he mumbled.

  “Max saw me on campus. We were talking when Cam called him. Your turn.”

  Alec bit the inside of his cheek. “He’s dead.” His eyes darted back and forth, begging her not to make him say a name. He didn’t have to. She knew.

  “How did he die?”

  “Heart attack. Didn’t even make it to his parole hearing.”

  Her breath left in a rush. “Wow.”

  “Yeah.” His eyes were hard to read, searching hers like she held the answer to a question he wasn’t asking.

  She squeezed his arm tighter. “I can’t read your mind. Are you happy? Sad? What?”

  “That’s what I’m in here trying to figure out,” he said, his brows furrowing and the green in his eyes darkening in confusion. “I feel oddly empty right now. I don’t feel justified, I don’t feel happy. I just feel . . . nothing. It’s all very anticlimactic.” He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. “Shouldn’t I be dancing on his grave or something?”

  Kat scooted closer and buried her face in his neck. She had an excuse to get close to him and she wasn’t above exploiting this moment to do so. She was only human. And she needed something, his fresh scent, the feel of his skin on hers, to take with her when she left. “It’s okay to feel this way. It’s not wrong.”

  He swallowed and she felt his Adam’s apple bob against her cheek. “I never wrote the letter to the parole board. I realized I spent a lot of time being angry about what happened, hating MacEnroe. You said it wasn’t a travesty to my dad’s legacy to let the anger go and you were right.” He took a deep breath and exhaled roughly.

  “We should mark on the calendar that I was right, because it doesn’t happen often.” Kat fingered the collar of his T-shirt and wondered if she could also steal one on her way out. The other shirt she took from him needed to be washed sometime.

  He chuckled. “I feel like an idiot for holing myself up in here. I didn’t want to have to deal with Max or Cam . . .”

  She wanted to ask why he let her in. What was it about her? But she didn’t talk as he sorted his thoughts out loud. “Feels sort of good to be empty, actually. Like my heart is drained of all the bad so I can fill it with the good.” He bit his lip.

  She brushed her lips against his neck, just once. “Your heart was always full of good.”

  He turned to her and smiled, once again focusing that intelligent, all-knowing gaze on her and she knew it was her turn to make her exit. She couldn’t do this again, get sucked into Alec’s orbit. She’d come too far in the last couple of weeks for a man tell her she “needed fixed.”

  Even if he held her heart. “You going to venture out of your room now?”

  He nodded, eyes still locked with hers, holding her there like some sort of force field.

  But this wasn’t a sci-fi movie, so she dropped her gaze. “Well, that makes me happy. She scooted back and up on her knees. “So, I guess I’m going to go now—“

  He jolted up, one hand braced behind him, one out as if to touch her. “Wait, are you leaving?”

  She nodded and stood beside the bed. “Yeah, I have some things to do and so . . . yeah.”

  “Wait, Kat—“

  “I’m glad you’re okay with everything.” She fumbled with her bag on the floor. “And say hi to your mom for me!”

  And then she ran out, like a coward. Jogged down the stairs, almost tripping on the bottom step as a thump and a curse sounded from Alec’s room, followed by her name. Max walked in from the kitchen, a sandwich halfway to his mouth as she opened the front door.

  “Don’t let her leave, Max!” Alec hollered from upstairs, followed by another thump, and Max’s eyes narrowed on her.

  “Bye!” She yelled and hauled her butt out the door as fast as she could, then took off down the street. Thank God she’d worn flats today and had been running, because she needed speed.

  She made it all the way to the Pizza Box before feet pounding the pavement caught up to her and a voice called her name.

  She stared up at the sign of the restaurant, buzzing faintly in the afternoon sun, and remembered weeks ago when she stood right here and wished with all her might she’d hear her name spoken by that voice.

  She’d gotten her wish. But it was too late now.

  She slowed to a stop because her shoes were starting to give her blisters and her bag was heavy.

  When she turned around, Alec stood five feet away, barely breathing hard, and she wanted to smack him just for that.

  “Why’d you leave?” he asked.

  “I have things to do.”

  His jaw clenched. “If this conversation goes the same way it did at your house, I’m going to scream, Kat.”

  Did he think that was fun for her? She wanted to scream, too.

  He stepped closer and she took a step back. He did it again and she took another step back. He sighed and pleaded with her with those eyes, the ones she never could resist. And there she was again, sucked right back into Alec Stone’s gravitational pull.

  Stupid science.

  He took a step forward, slowly, and this time she held her ground. A small smile tugged at his lips. “Why’d you come to see me?”

  It was on the tip of her tongue to make a joke, like, I wanted to see you in your boxer briefs, or I left my underwear behind your desk, or Was that a gun in your bed or were you just happy to see me?

  But she was tired, oh so tired of the barriers and the games. And she had come so far in loving herself for who she was. She wouldn’t let anyone knock her down to where she had been.

  “Max said you were upset and he thought I could help, so I came.”

  Alec cocked his head. “Just like that. Because you thought I needed you and you could help, you came.”

  She nodded.

  He took another step closer and now he was so close that if she extended her index fingers, she’d brush his.

  “Kat.”

  She raised her eyes from staring at their barely touching hands to see his gaze on her, soft and so full of . . . no, it couldn’t be . . .

  He grasped her hand and brought it to rest on his chest, over his heart. “Don’t you feel it? All that negative crap I’d been holding inside is gone because of you. And the good I’m filling it with? That’s you.”

  The people walking around them didn’t exist, and it was just her and Alec now, in a little private force field, connected by her hand on his chest. She inched closer, so their chests brushed, her hand between them.

  His other hand rose and cupped her face. She blinked slowly as his thumb swiped her cheekbone. He done it before outside of the Pizza Box and walked away. But he wasn’t walking away now. “Kat, I was working on a plan to talk to you but then I got that phone call and everything kind of got shot to shit.” He took a deep breath, his eyes locked in hers. “But you have to know. I’m sorry. You have to know when I lo
ok at you, I see a girl who laughs at her own jokes, who’s so funny and adorable, she makes me smile after I talk about losing my dad. A girl who drops everything to comfort a guy, even though he made her feel like a project that needed to be fixed. And I see a girl who’s so brave because she goes to college knowing it’s going to hard, but she wants to make something of her life.” He leaned down and dropped his voice. “And I see a girl who most definitely does not have the best ass on campus.”

  Her laugh bubbled out of her throat. She never thought she’d hear words like that from Alec or from any guy, really. And for some reason her mind processed the whole situation as hilarious. What started as a giggle turned into full-blown hysterical laughter as she threw back her head. Alec laughed with her until they were both bent at the waist, wheezing through the last of their chuckles.

  Kat straightened first and wiped her eyes. Her chest itched as the hole in her heart he’d made weeks ago healed, and she wanted to scratch at the scar. “That was amazing. Did you practice that?”

  He ran his tongue over his teeth and smirked. “I did, actually. Did I do okay? I winged the last part.”

  She stepped back into that force field, realizing finally that it was two ways. She had her own force field, pulling him to her. “You did great.” She touched her lips to his, just briefly only a brush but the feel of his ridged lips was home.

  He cupped her check again. “I’ll spend the rest of my life proving you should love yourself as much as everyone else loves you.”

  God, he was too much. She felt the blush creep up her cheeks. “I know I still have some work to do on myself. Statistically, I love myself about seventy-five percent as much I should.” She took a deep breath and went for it. “But I want to conquer that last twenty-five percent with you.” She laid her hand on his chest.

  Alec’s smile split his face and he grabbed her head with both hands. “You talking in percentages about how much you want to be with me is a total turn-on.”

  Kat laughed and gripped his wrists. “How turned on?”