All We Know Is Falling: Fall With Me: Volume One

by Nicole Thorn

  He smiled. “Ah, well I’m sure they only did it to get your attention.”

  “Okay then,” I crossed my arms. “Maybe that explains why it happened in the first place. But it doesn’t explain why the Hell I never got them back.”

  “Maybe the person who stole them just likes having something of yours with him. Maybe he’s worried that you’ll eventually go back to not wanting him around and he needs to keep proof that you were real.”

  My face dropped. “That won’t happen. Not now.” Not when it’s already too late.

  “You promise?”

  “I promise.”

  We left for school and parted ways at our first hour class.

  

  When Hale and I met up in History I groaned at the message on the board. It was time for senior projects. I wanted to walk right out of class and just go home. But next to the big block words was a note that said the project was worth sixty percent of our final grade. If I skipped this, I’d fail.

  “It’ll be okay, Rory,” Hale sighed, clearly not believing it.

  “No it won’t. I hate projects.”

  “I heard that, Miss Flynn,” the teacher said. “But I’ll try and make this as easy on all of you as I can.”

  The bell rang and the class was quiet as Mr. Dixon spoke to us. “So this years theme for your project is the Revolutionary War. You can do your project on anything as long as you can tie it back to the war. I want you to have as much freedom as you want.” Despite that, the class moaned.

  “Oh shut up,” he said. “How about if I let you have a partner, huh? Would that appease you, you vultures?” The class cheered and he rolled his eyes. “Fine then. If you want a partner, you can have one. Groups of three at the most. You need a ten-page report on your topic along with a visual representation. Come get your guidelines,” he pointed to the papers at his desk. We all got one and the class started grouping up. The tables all got moved so the bigger groups could be together.

  I sat at my table and Hale stared down at his textbook.

  “What are we doing?” I asked.

  He looked over at me and smiled. “Why do you assume we’re partners.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “Because you find a way to worm yourself into most aspects of my life. I’d be stupid to not assume we were working together.”

  “Maybe I want you to ask me. Maybe I want you to be the one trying this time.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Aww, how cute. You wanna be courted. Only problem being that I won’t do it.”

  He turned his head from me, mock offended. “Well then. I guess we’re not partners.”

  “Okay,” I shrugged and started going over the guideline. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. A few pages were supposed to be your own opinion on it and one of the pages was just for resources. It shouldn’t be too horrible.

  I decided to do the project on the Boston Tea Party. I had a thing for that event in particular. I enjoyed the thought of people decided to ruin a bunch of tea because the taxes were too high.

  I started on my notes and Hale just stared at the table, pouting. I ignored him for the most part. He stayed quiet, so that made it easier.

  When class ended we headed to lunch and took our seats at our table. And as usual, he gave me his milk.

  How the Hell did I get to this place? How did I go from no friends to having one that I was sure I’d crumble without? I couldn’t fathom it. I was so adamant about not knowing him. But he just found his way into my head. When would I start suffering for my weakness? I knew it was coming.

  Hale let out an exaggerated sigh. “You take my milk, yet you refuse to appease me. Cruel.”

  “Hale, if I appeased you with everything you wanted from me then we would have a very different relationship.”

  “A better one, I think.”

  I shot him an annoyed look. “What a surprise that you think sex would make this relationship better. And I keep telling you, it won’t happen.”

  “Tell me, is it just me you don’t want to have sex with me or it is some kind of sick condition you have where you don’t want it from anybody?”

  I breathed out slowly. “It has nothing to do with you. I don’t want to be with anyone.”

  He considered that for a moment or two. “I’m not sure that actually makes me feel better. At least if it was me, then I could try and do something about that. But if the problem lies with you…then we might be deadlocked.”

  “We are.”

  Even with what I just said, he smiled. “There’s always a compromise. I’m not going to stop trying to find it just because you don’t want me to.”

  I dipped my head back and stared up at the crumbling ceiling. “I’ve said it before, there isn’t any way to fix the problem. You can’t fix me,” my eyes went to him. “I’m just…this. For all of eternity I’ll remain what I am, and you don’t deserve the kind of pain I would cause you. And frankly, I don’t want the pain you would cause me.”

  He looked hurt by what I said. Further proof that I was right, I’d caused him pain. “I’m trying to be better for you. I can’t promise you that I’ll never do something stupid and cause your heart to ache, but Rory, I’m really trying here.”

  A sad smile appeared on my face. “I’m not worried about you doing something to hurt me. I’m worried about what happens after I give in. If something terrible happens and I forget all the reasons I have to not do so. Then, all of it will come falling down around me. I’m sorry, but I’m choosing the path that leads to the least amount of pain.”

  “For who?”

  The two words shredded me. Guilt overtook me and all I wanted to do was run and hide. But that wasn’t an option. Even if it was, I wouldn’t take it. He deserved better than that.

  I was as honest as I could be. “For me, Hale. I’m doing it for me.”

  His eyebrows knit together in irritation. “I don’t know why you think I’m going to hurt you. But I suppose you have plenty of reasons to.” His eyes went to the table and suddenly he wasn’t in the room anymore.

  I covered his hand with mine but he didn’t look up at me. “Listen to me. My issues are my own and they have nothing to do with you. If I didn’t have the problem I did then I’d—”

  His eyes went up and met mine. It felt like he could see everything. All of me. And it was terrifying. “You’d what?” he asked softly.

  Suddenly I was unable to finish the thought. “You know what I was going to say.”

  “Say it anyway. Say it so I’ll know.”

  I took a deep breath to buy myself some time. “If I didn’t have the problem I did, if I was normal,” human, “ better, then I wouldn’t have a single reservation about being with you. But that’s not the reality we live in. I’m not normal and I have far too many reservations.”

  “Hmm,” he smiled crookedly and I almost sighed. He never listened to a word I said. “So, what I’m hearing is that you want me. But you’ve got some pesky reason to not just jump me like you clearly want to.”

  “Bite me,” I said with an attitude. “If I like you at all, it’s only hardly.”

  “Liar,” he yanked my chair over so that I’d be right next to him. His nose grazed my jaw as he moved up until his lips were at my ear. “If we were somewhere private right now,” his hand went to my knee and moved up to my thigh. “I’ll just leave it at I have a long, long list of things I would do to you. I can make your worries melt away if only you’d let me.”

  “It’s set in stone,” I said quietly. “There’s no undoing what’s always been.”

  He moved his hand a little closer to my knee and backed up a fraction. “Nothing is set in stone, Lamb. Things change every day.”

  “Not this.”

  “I refuse to believe that. And I’m not taking no for an answer. I’m going to keep trying. Forever, because I don’t have a choice. If I lost you I’m not sure what I’d do.” He moved back further and his face was bleak. “No, that’s not true. I do know. I know what I wo
uld be and I know what I would do. And I don’t want to go back to who I was. You’re what’s keeping me above water. The only thing.”

  “And being my friend isn’t enough for you? Why do you need more?”

  He smiled slightly and stared down at my knee. He let his fingertips brush my skin. “Because you consume all of me. Every thought. Everything I do I think twice about because I want to make sure I’m being a good man for you. I want everything from you because I want to give you everything in return. And a friendship doesn’t begin to cover how deeply I care for you.”

  The conversation felt to intimate for the room we were in. All around us there was a quiet buzz from the other students. This moment was too private for this but I was trapped in it.

  I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to respond to him. I’d said all I could say. But he kept coming back with more. I’ll give it to him, the boy knew how to make a sale. But I wasn’t in the business of buying what he was selling. I’d given him all I could. And it wasn’t enough for him.

  “I’m sorry that I’m not able to give you what you want.”

  His thumb swept under my eyes and caught a tear I didn’t know had fallen. I wasn’t a crier and I hated him seeing this from me.

  “You give me a lot. And yes, I do want more, but I don’t want you to feel guilty over that. Never feel guilty over what I want. Because it’s completely your right to refuse to give it to me.”

  “I wish it wasn’t like this.”

  A noiseless laugh escaped him. “Me too.”

  

  School ended and as usual, Hale was waiting for me outside of the girl’s locker room. The rest of the students were pouring down the halls and rushing to get home.

  Hale put his arm over my shoulder and started leading me through the crowd.

  “How’s Ethan doing?” I asked.

  “Better still. He’s been less hostile in general. But he’s still not to keen on doing his school work. Can’t really blame him, but we’re working on fixing it.”

  At least he was somewhat okay now. As long as he stayed clean I imagine he’d remain alright.

  “Why don’t you give him rides home?”

  “Well he’s got friends here and they bring him. I didn’t like the idea of that but I met a couple of them and it’s all just girls that bring him home. They probably aren’t great influences on him. But they’re spoiled rich girls amused with his accent. They might get him to ditch class but I don’t think it would go farther than that.”

  A few minutes later I saw the new girl that was bringing him home. Dottie and Ethan were getting into her white convertible as Hale and I entered the parking lot.

  I cursed to myself and Hale asked what was wrong. “Well, Dottie and your brother for starters.” I gestured to the scene.

  “Oh. Yeah they’re friends. So?”

  I poked him with my fingernail and whisper/yelled so no one would hear, “You knew!”

  “Yes. I don’t see the problem. She’s a sweet girl.”

  In that moment, Dottie looked over and spotted us. She smiled wide and waved at us.

  I covered my face with Hale’s arm. “Damn it!” I waved so she wouldn’t know what was running through my head. She got into the car and I groaned.

  “I don’t understand your reaction whatsoever.”

  I stared up at him. “Well then that makes two of us!” I threw my hands up in the air. “I just don’t like it.”

  He rolled his eyes at me and started walking to his truck. I ran to catch up to him and nearly slammed into his back. I managed to get into his car without injuring myself.

  We got to my house without incident but the second I put my hand on the door to open it, Hale stopped me.

  “I have to ask you something,” his tone was more serious than I’ve heard since Ethan vanished. “And I need you to be honest with me. Can you do that?”

  “It depends on what you’re asking me.”

  He looked worried. “You keep saying that the problem is with you and not me. That there’s something about you that’s abnormal. And I’ve been trying to figure out what the issue might be. I’ve landed on an answer but I’m terrified to know if it’s true or not.”

  There was no way he could guess what I was, so I wasn’t worried about it. “Ask me and I’ll tell you.”

  He swallowed and looked down. “Are you sick?”

  “Sick?”

  His eyes went up and met mine. “Do you have something that might keep you from wanting a relationship? You’ve always told me that you didn’t even want a friend. And all I could think was that the reason might be that you don’t want to get attached to someone. Not when it would end with…you dying. It would explain everything and I desperately need you to tell me I’m wrong.”

  I didn’t hesitate. “You’re wrong. I’m not dying.” You are. “But you’ve got some of that right. I don’t want to get attached to anyone that I might lose.”

  He laughed once, without humor. “Why do you think you’d lose me? Have I given you a reason to think that I would leave you? Any at all?”

  “You’ll leave. Whether it be your decision or not, you’ll leave me one day. And the farther we are from each other, the less I give you, it’ll make that day less agonizing for me.”

  He looked broken hearted and astonished. “Why are you so sure I’ll leave?”

  Simple. “Everyone leaves.” And then I went into my house and left him behind.

  I went straight into my room and shut the door, throwing my backpack in the corner and collapsing on my bed.

  I’d made a mess of so many things. I knew the right thing to do would be cutting him loose now. Letting him move on quickly before he was in too deep. But I was selfish. And I was a coward. I couldn’t bear the thought of what would happen to me if he wasn’t in my life anymore. Because of that, I’d keep him even when he wasn’t mine to keep.

  I wish I were better than I was. I wish I could do the right thing and let him go. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that someone like me doesn’t have an unselfish bone in their body. Evil was in my blood.

  My door swung open and Hale was ever so casually leaning on my doorframe. His arms were crossed and he was staring away from me. “I’ve decided that we’re doing that project together.”

  I stood from my bed and started walking to him. “I thought you wanted to be courted.”

  He turned when I reached him. Then he shrugged, “Overrated.”

  I nearly knocked him over when my arms went around his neck. Once he regained his balance he rested his hands on my hips. “I take it you approve of my decision?”

  I dropped down from my tiptoes and stared up at him. “I guess I do.” I smiled despite the fact that I knew I was doing something wrong. I knew that if he didn’t hurt me, then I’d end up hurting him.

  He lifted his hand up and touched my lips. “I’m counting that one.”

  Chapter Fourteen: Seek And Destroy

  “I just find it so appropriate that you picked out such an act of rebellion for our project,” Hale mused while we worked on the project in class.

  “What else was I supposed to pick?”

  “I couldn’t have picked anything better.”

  I folded my arms on the table. “I think you’re just upset that the whole project is about the Revolutionary War.”

  He narrowed his eyes at me. “And why might that offend me?”

  “Hmm,” I tapped on my chin. “Could be that you’re bitter that we kicked your asses in the war.”

  He scoffed. “Please. We let you win.”

  My eyebrow went up. “Yeah right.”

  He waved his hand in the air. “Don’t get defensive now. Nothing to be ashamed about.”

  I kicked him under the table.

  “Don’t make me enact my revenge on you?”

  “And what might that be?” I asked, not at all worried about what he might do. He was a big talker but that was it.

  He looked around the classroom and sighed.
“Unfortunately there are far too many witnesses here. But we’ll be alone later, and I’ll have my chance.”

  “Uh huh. I’m so terrified,” I said flatly.

  “You will be.”

  He spent most of class explaining to me just how the British let the Americans get what they wanted to shut them up. I just ignored him and did the work myself. I knew most of what I needed to and it wasn’t too hard to organize it.

  I was trying to decide on what the visual would be for the project and I landed on a ship. I was going to try and make a little model complete with tiny people tossing tea over the side. Easy as pie. I didn’t even bother telling Hale since I knew he’d mostly just keep me company while I did all of the work.

  We got to lunch and Hale finally wrapped up his stupid story. I was glad since I was pretty sure I was about to slam his head into the table to shut him up.

  I spent lunch glaring at him while he was smiling, pleased that he annoyed me. It’s amazing that I manage to not hurt him daily. Was this what friendship was supposed to be? A lot of teasing and hollow threats?

  While we walked from Art to Gym I said, “You should really be nicer to me. I’m doing our project all alone.”

  He looked surprised. “Are you? I recall going out to pick up dinner for us last night.”

  “While I stayed home and worked. Alone.” We stopped just outside of the locker room doors.

  “So? I had to decide if I should get you a vanilla or chocolate shake. We all have our crosses to bear.”

  I shot him my best are you kidding me look. “You know I prefer chocolate,” I turned on my heel and walked into the room, listening to him laughing at me.

  After I changed into my Gym clothes, I shoved my backpack into my locker and headed out and into the gym. When I walked in, Jenna instantly looked at me with guilt.

  I threw my head back and moaned. “What? What horrible thing do you have planned for me?”

  She grimaced. “Flag football.”

  I groaned loudly. “I hate you…”

  “I know,” she patted my shoulder. “But I only do this because I have to. If we had ice cream parties every day then I’d lose my job.”