How to Fall in Love Again: Kitty's Story

by Amanda Prowse

  A car beeped behind her. She looked up briefly at the silver Range Rover that had been blocked by a flashy Mercedes parked in the staff spaces. Two boys jumped out of the Range Rover in full games kit. She wondered if they would become Sophie’s friends. She paused momentarily as she recalled her own attempts at trying to meet people; she had to remember that Sophie was an entirely different kettle of fish.

  The cardboard box was unwieldy and it took all of her strength to hoist it from the boot of the car. As she levered it out, she straightened, looked up, blinked and squinted, then placed the box on the ground and looked again.

  Oh my God! It can’t be!

  But it was.

  Her heart leapt in her chest and her stomach flipped. Sitting in the flashy Mercedes was none other than Theodore Montgomery.

  She walked over slowly, unsure if he was alone or what her reception might be. The last thing she wanted was a scene, especially there and on Sophie’s special day.

  He rolled down the window.

  ‘Theo! Oh my God! Theo, it is you! I don’t believe it!’

  ‘Hello, you.’ He beamed, studying her, and she was relieved and thankful for his smile, a smile of forgiveness, of friendship. ‘I didn’t want you to think…’ He seemed to run out of words.

  Kitty stared at him. He had aged, of course, but to her he looked… lovely. He climbed slowly from the car and smoothed his trousers with his hands, drawing attention to his slightly crumpled suit and the mud that clung to the soles of his shoes.

  ‘So which is it – hell or high water?’ she asked, her hands on her hips.

  ‘What?’ He looked confused and she was embarrassed that he hadn’t picked up the thread.

  ‘I seem to remember you saying that those were the only two things that would ever drag you back here to Vaizey.’

  She took a step towards him, her face now only inches from his, as if this was the most natural thing in the world and exactly the right distance to have between them.

  ‘Yes, I probably did say that.’ He smiled and shoved his hands in his pockets. ‘If you must know, I’ve been fishing and I’m about to gatecrash a funeral, if you can believe that.’

  ‘Oh I believe it.’ She grinned, her false smile hiding all the sadness that lurked inside her. The temptation to sob and fall into him and tell him that she had lost her mum was strong.

  ‘And what about you?’ He jerked his head towards the school.

  ‘Just dropping off.’ The significance of the situation almost overwhelmed her – she was dropping off their daughter! Her pulse throbbed insistently in her throat.

  ‘Where’s Angus?’ he asked, looking over her shoulder towards the quad.

  ‘How should I know? On a golf course probably.’ She shrugged, hoping she’d struck the right note, trying to sound flippant and at the same time cool. ‘Did you think we were still together?’

  ‘Are you not?’ He looked genuinely surprised. He never had been one for keeping up with other Old Vaizians.

  ‘No, not for a while. But it works – we share the kids’ care and we are quite good friends now, better friends in fact than we ever were when we were married.’

  ‘So that’s good?’

  ‘Yes, it’s good!’ She laughed. ‘Angus is… with a new partner and happy.’ She nodded and gave a thin smile. This was neither the time nor the place for details. ‘So it’s all good!’ she repeated with a flicker of nerves, embarrassed at the way she was overcompensating with awkward perkiness. ‘So you’re off to a funeral?’ She pictured the hill with the view of Loch Beag.

  ‘Yes. Mr Porter’s, actually, who used to be the groundsman here.’

  ‘Oh, I remember him! He had a lovely crinkly smile.’ A stark memory flooded in, of the day she’d seen Theo get beaten up, and how Mr Porter had stepped in to help him. Her heart went out to him still. ‘I must admit, I never had you down as the huntin’ and fishin’ type! What did you catch?’

  ‘Nothing.’ He raised his hands and let them fall as he looked skywards. ‘Absolutely nothing. I actually went for the stillness, the quiet.’

  ‘Stillness and quiet – that sounds like bliss. Sometimes I can hardly hear myself think.’ It was true; the house was always abuzz with cartoons and music and chaos. ‘Actually, that’s not fair, I think I keep busy to stop from thinking.’ She bit her bottom lip and silently cursed herself for giving too much away.

  ‘Kitty, I’ve spent the last few years overthinking and it turns out it wasn’t actually very good for me.’ He nodded.

  ‘Well, good for you, Theodore Montgomery.’ Kitty leant a little further in, her voice now barely more than a whisper. ‘It is so good to see you.’ As she stood there, she willed him to understand her subtext. Please hear my apology, Theo. I am so sorry for how I treated you. Angus and I made a bargain, and I stuck to my end of it…

  ‘It’s good to see you too.’

  ‘Are you still married, Theo?’ She glanced down briefly, remembering the ring she’d seen when they’d bumped into each other on the bus last year, but his hand was hidden in his pocket.

  ‘Yes, Anna’s great – greater.’ He looked at the ground, seemingly brim full of emotion. Kitty felt a flash of envy for what he and his Anna evidently shared.

  ‘“Great – greater”? Gosh, you really didn’t pay attention in Mr Reeves’s class, did you! That is terrible English!’ She threw back her head and laughed.

  He laughed too. There was a beat of awkward silence and then, just like that, having wondered how she might steer the conversation, it felt like the moment was now. A hush seemed to come over the place.

  ‘That letter I sent…’ she began, taking a deep breath.

  Theo nodded. His shoulders hunched and he looked down, as if the words she’d written all those years ago still hurt.

  ‘It was a very difficult time for me.’ She shoved her hands in her pockets and held his gaze.

  ‘It became a very difficult time for me too,’ he acknowledged quietly, and she felt the pain of his words.

  ‘I never in a million years imagined… after that one time…’ She pulled a face; it was almost physically painful to spit it out. ‘I was about to get married… There was so much going on in my head.’

  ‘You don’t need to explain. I’ve spent a lot of hours thinking it through and I get it. I totally see why you didn’t want anything to do with me, didn’t want me in our… your child’s life. Why would you? I’m hardly good father material. I had nothing to offer.’

  ‘Oh my God, Theo, is that what you thought?’ Tears filled her eyes. That this had been his assumption, so wide of the mark, was heartbreaking.

  He nodded, avoiding eye contact; the boy who’d been called names at school; the boy who used to hide in the library for want of anywhere else to go.

  Kitty shook her head, her mouth twisted as she tried to stop herself from crying. ‘No! No, it wasn’t that at all. I’ve never hidden the truth from Sophie – or Angus. Quite the opposite. You, Theodore, are the kindest, sweetest, gentlest friend I ever had. You are smart and funny and any child would be lucky to have you in their life, so lucky. It was never about you! It was only ever about me. I couldn’t see any further than what I was going through. I robbed you.’

  It was only as she said this out loud that she saw the truth of it. She’d robbed him of the chance to be the father of his little girl. That had simply not occurred to her at the time.

  He exhaled and leant back on the car, looking for a second as if he might fall over. ‘But… But then on the bus…’

  Kitty shook her head. ‘Angus and I were falling apart, I was pregnant with Oliver, and little Soph…’ She smiled up at him. ‘It would have been too much for Soph right then, and too much for me.’ She sniffed at the memory of that night, the worst night, when her world had come crashing down. She pictured Thomas reaching up to tuck in her husband’s wayward collar. ‘I am so sorry, Theo. I was young and stupid and frightened when I wrote to you, and if I could—’

  �
��Mum! Mum, have you got my hockey stick?’

  Kitty whipped her head round and smiled through her tears at the confident girl striding towards them. She looked from Theo to her daughter; the likeness was undeniable.

  ‘Why are you crying?’ Sophie wrinkled her nose with embarrassment.

  ‘I’m not.’ Kitty swiped away her tears and pulled her daughter towards her. She took her face inside her hands and kissed her nose. ‘Sophie, this man… This is…’ Emotion stopped the words from forming. She had imagined so many times how this meeting might go and suddenly it seemed perfectly fitting that it was here and now, at Vaizey College, where it had all begun.

  Theo stepped forward and held out his hand.

  Her beautiful daughter with the clear skin, dark curly hair and brown eyes of her father placed her hand confidently in his palm. ‘Hello.’ She smiled. ‘I’m Sophie. Sophie Montgomery Thompson.’

  *

  Kitty felt quite drained as she drove back to London. Theo had appeared similarly stunned. The only person who had seemingly taken the introduction in her stride was Sophie.

  ‘Oh, so you are Theo!’ She had beamed with a maturity that belied her years.

  ‘I am.’

  ‘Theo! That’s really cool. I always wondered when I would meet you, and you look nothing like a rabbit,’ she smiled at her mum. ‘How cool is it that it’s here!’ She’d gestured towards the school.

  ‘It is very cool.’ Theo had nodded at her, gazing at her with a look of wonder that Kitty recognised; it was exactly how she’d felt when their baby girl had been placed in her arms nearly eleven years ago.

  Their conversation had been general – her favourite subjects, which house she was in. Kitty wondered if either of them would right now be running over the things they wished they’d said or asked. She had taken Theo and Anna’s address and number, hoping that this might turn out to be a wonderful beginning, but not presuming anything. After all, Theo had Anna, and goodness only knew how Anna felt about it all.

  Moving Home

  Kitty made her way downstairs with a folder stuffed with pictures and letters in her hand. She placed it on the table as her stomach rumbled; it was already past lunchtime. She opened the fridge and peered inside. ‘What do I fancy?’ She laughed because what she fancied was smoked salmon, brown bread spread thickly with unsalted butter and a big glass of plonk; what she was getting, however, were the remnants of a rather sorry-looking pot of hummus, half a packet of out-of-date carrot batons and a small square of pâté. Reaching up, she pulled the oatcakes from the tin on the larder shelf and settled back down at the table. She thought for the first time in a long time about lovely Marjorie, who had passed away a few years back, and her mouth watered at the memory of her hot home-baked loaves with the blackened crust.

  She thumbed the papers that spilled from the folder in front of her, and rested her fingers on a letter from Anna to Sophie, her first, sent to her school dorm. Wiping the oatcake crumbs from her chest, she opened the sheet and scanned it.

  Dear Sophie,

  Hello! We’ve never met, but…

  Kitty sat back in the chair, ‘Oh! Oh my goodness.’ She felt the swell of emotion in her throat and took a moment to catch her breath.

  11

  2002

  ‘How are you feeling?’ Kitty looked across at her daughter, who was sitting calmly in the front seat. Her navy skirt and embroidered blouse had been carefully chosen and her dark, layered bob painstakingly styled.

  ‘I’m okay.’

  ‘You seem okay.’ She kept her eyes on the road, trying to quash the nerves that bubbled in her gut.

  ‘That’s because I am, Mum.’

  Kitty tapped her fingers on the steering wheel as they skirted Clapham Common on the South Circular. She loved having Sophie home from school for the holidays and she loved noticing all the small changes in her daughter. The past two years at Vaizey College had brought out some lovely qualities in her and she’d grown into a sparky but sensitive teenager. Somehow, she seemed to have inherited the best bits of each of her parents: she had her own sporty, warrior-like approach to things, but she also had Theo’s sweetness and loyalty. Kitty didn’t tell Sophie that, of course. ‘I hope Dad and Nikolai do something fun with Olly today – I can always tell when he’s been in front of the TV all day, he has too much energy.’

  ‘I think Dad said they were going to do an Easter egg hunt around the house and in the garden.’

  ‘Oh, that’ll be lovely.’ Kitty smiled. ‘You’re not nervous?’

  Sophie shot her mum the sort of disdainful look that only a thirteen-year-old could manage. ‘I think it’s you who’s nervous, Mum! But there’s no need. I’ve already told you, think of it like any other Easter lunch, and if it’s ghastly or we feel unwelcome or we change our minds, we do the signal. Which is…?’

  ‘A cough followed by a fake sneeze.’ Kitty laughed loudly at the very idea.

  ‘Exactly. And the other one of us will say, “Do you need a tissue?” And if the answer is “Yes”, we turn and run without looking back. We keep the car unlocked and we literally just leg it.’

  Kitty giggled again. ‘That’s so funny, I can’t imagine it, but it’s good to have a plan.’

  ‘Always good to have a plan, Mum.’

  ‘You’re so smart, Sophie. When I think of myself at thirteen, fourteen… I was a tomboy and a bit… lost, I suppose.’

  ‘You had a lot going on with Grandma, and I guess Darraghfield must have been quite lonely if you didn’t have a gang.’

  Kitty gave a wry smile. ‘I didn’t have a gang, not really.’ She pictured herself and Angus sneaking up to the bedroom for fast, unsatisfying sex. ‘Any boys at school you like?’

  ‘Plenty.’ Sophie gave a small shrug, as though it were a ridiculous question.

  ‘But any you really like?’

  ‘None that I am prepared to tell you about.’

  Kitty nodded. Point taken. ‘I mean it – I do think you’re smart, and cool. This trip today would throw a lot of people off-course, but you seem to be taking it all in your stride. I’m very proud of you.’

  ‘I’m very proud of you too. There aren’t many mums who’d be so lovely about stuff. You could have said I wasn’t allowed to come or sent me on my own…’

  ‘As if I’d do that! But I can’t pretend I don’t feel a bit weird about it all.’ A blush began creeping across her face.

  ‘In what way?’

  Kitty took a deep breath and considered how best to couch her response. ‘I’ve been kind of dreading today but looking forward to it too, if that makes any sense. I keep thinking about how I’ll feel if Anna doesn’t like you or is mean to you. I’d feel obliged to yank you out of there and it would make things very awkward between Theo and me, which would be a shame.’ She glanced across at her child. ‘And then, ridiculously, I think about what it might be like if Anna likes you a lot and you like her a lot, how that will feel for me, and I don’t want to feel jealous, but you are my baby girl!’ Her voice cracked.

  ‘I get it.’ Sophie nodded. ‘Either way, you’re in for a bad day.’

  Kitty looked over at her, coughed and followed this with a fake sneeze.

  ‘Mum! You can’t deploy the signal in jest or I won’t know if you really need help!’

  They both laughed, and with the radio playing ‘My Sweet Lord’ they drove the rest of the way in companionable silence.

  Kitty parked in front of the large Edwardian villa in Barnes, only a stone’s throw from the river. There were already a couple of other cars on the verge.

  ‘How do I look?’ Sophie pulled her dark hair around her face and smoothed her skirt.

  ‘You look perfect.’ Kitty sent a silent prayer out into the ether, hoping that it was all going to be all right. Her little girl deserved nothing but love. ‘Are you ready to do this?’

  Sophie gave a stiff nod and Kitty knew her daughter’s deep breathing, straight back and silent response were indeed the first sign
of nerves.

  They trod the path and Kitty stepped forward and rang the doorbell. She heard a dog bark and the yelps and shouts of what sounded like a crowd. It did nothing to alleviate her anxiety. One way or another, this day was going to change things.

  There was no time to dwell on that: the front door opened and Kitty found herself staring at Theo and Anna standing side by side, arms touching.

  Petite, dark-haired Anna smiled sweetly and lifted her joined hands to her chin, almost as if giving thanks. Kitty immediately warmed to her. Kindness radiated from her face and her whole manner was welcoming. Much of Kitty’s fear melted away. Theo looked nervous and weepy all at once and it was in the silent seconds before anyone spoke that the enormity of the moment sank in. She couldn’t imagine what it might be like for him, properly bringing his daughter into his life for the first time.

  Kitty walked forward and tried to keep her voice steady. ‘Hello, Theo! Good to see you. And Anna, so lovely to meet you.’

  Anna reached out and took Kitty into her arms in a brief but sincere embrace.

  ‘You too.’ Anna smiled. ‘I feel as if I know you already, I really do.’ She spoke without malice, without any edge, as if addressing an old friend.

  ‘Same.’ Kitty nodded.

  All three adults turned and stared at Sophie, hovering nervously on the doorstep. Kitty felt a swell of empathy for her girl. This was a big moment.

  ‘And you must be Sophie.’ Anna took a step forward, reached for Sophie’s hand and guided her into their home.

  Sophie nodded, embarrassed, her posture a little awkward; she was, unsurprisingly, overcome.

  ‘This is quite a day for you, for us all,’ Anna offered softly.

  Theo looked at Anna with an expression of pure love, clearly overwhelmed at how wonderful she was being to his daughter, and Kitty knew that it was because of Anna that this day had happened at all. She could so easily have put a stop to it.