How to Fall in Love Again: Kitty's Story

by Amanda Prowse

  ‘Hello, Sophie.’ Theo smiled and moved his arms awkwardly, as if unsure whether to hug their daughter or just shake her hand. Again, Kitty felt the pull of guilt that it was because of her that these two were strangers.

  ‘Hi…’ Sophie hesitated. ‘I don’t really know what to call you.’ She looked over at Kitty, seeking reassurance, and Kitty was reminded that for all her poise, Sophie was still a little girl wary of doing or saying the wrong thing.

  ‘Whatever you’re comfy with, darling.’ Kitty winked at her. It was permission of sorts; she wanted everything about this encounter at this early stage of the relationship to be as easy as possible for her child.

  Theo beamed at her with thanks. ‘Theo is fine,’ he managed, his voice full of emotion.

  ‘Or Dad-Theo,’ Anna suggested without embarrassment. ‘I know you already have a proper dad – Angus – but as someone who grew up with no one I could call Dad, I can only imagine how wonderful it might be to be able to say that to two people.’

  Kitty looked at Theo’s wife and could not imagine growing up without her beloved dad by her side. She was glad that Anna had found a good man like Theo.

  Sophie beamed at Anna. ‘Yes, you’re right.’ She looked at Theo and gave a small wave. ‘Hi, Dad-Theo.’

  ‘Hello, Sophie,’ he repeated, grinning.

  Anna placed her hands on Kitty and Sophie’s backs and ushered them in. Kitty took in the grand, square hallway and the gorgeous Alsatian-cross who was scampering around in excitement.

  ‘Don’t mind Griff, he’s very happy to see you. Now, I have to tell you, the house is bursting at the seams and we are an eclectic bunch, but everyone is very much looking forward to meeting you.’

  Kitty held her breath as nerves bit again.

  ‘I’m looking forward to meeting them.’ Sophie spoke with confidence. ‘And I’m used to eclectic bunches. My family… my… my other family, we’re all really weird.’

  Kitty laughed. Yes, we are, darling. We are all weird!

  ‘Then I think you’re going to fit in just fine.’ Anna laughed too. She winked at Kitty, very much in the way she herself might have winked at Tizz. Kitty read it loud and clear. It’s okay. Between us, you and I have got this.

  Their home was welcoming. Chock full of antiques and neat, but still homely. The four walked into the spacious kitchen, where an Easter table was beautifully set with sparkling glassware and polished silver cutlery. The radio burbled away in the background and the sumptuous smell of roast lamb wafted from the range. Anna grabbed a pinny from the back of a chair and popped it on, before pulling a blue linen dishcloth from the range door and wiping her dainty hands on it. Kitty felt an unwelcome spike of inadequacy: Anna was clearly a domestic goddess, a class apart from her own rather average skills in that department.

  Kitty noticed the way Anna and Theo constantly looked at each other, touched hands or ran their palm along the other’s arm. It was like a dance of reassurance, where the couple was so in tune, these gestures acted like a battery recharge. She and Angus had never shared anything like that and she felt a flash of longing in her stomach. It looked like a lovely way to live.

  ‘Now, Theo, you grab drinks.’ Anna smiled at him warmly and turned to Kitty and Sophie.

  ‘He’s been so nervous, excited. I told him it was all going to be fine – I promised, in fact. And now I’ve met you both, I can see that I was right.’

  ‘It must have been horrible not having a dad,’ Sophie said, leaning against the countertop with the sleeves of her blouse pulled over her hands.

  ‘It was, Sophie. I missed him even though I never knew him. I had a big hole in my life.’

  ‘But you had a mum?’

  ‘I did have a wonderful mum until I was not much younger than you, but sadly she passed away and so then I had two big holes in my life!’ Anna bent down and petted Griff. ‘I think that’s why it’s so important we make the most of all the people we have in our lives who love us. It’s everything, family.’

  ‘It is,’ Kitty agreed.

  ‘She’s so beautiful.’ Anna spoke to Kitty as if Sophie weren’t present. ‘And you have a son, Oliver?’

  ‘Yes! He’s three and with his dad today – causing mayhem, no doubt.’

  ‘Please bring him next time – I love the house with children in it. I spend a lot of time with my niece and my godsons when they’re around. There’s something about having little ones here, it makes the house seem alive! And actually, I don’t know if Theo mentioned it, but we’re on the path to adoption, and so one day, God willing, there might be the sound of our own little ones running around!’

  ‘That would be so wonderful.’ Kitty noted the flicker of sadness that crossed Anna’s face and hoped that her dream would come true; she couldn’t imagine a life without her babies.

  Theo handed Kitty a glass of champagne and Sophie a thimbleful. ‘Right, shall we get this over with and introduce you to the masses?’

  ‘Yep.’ Sophie pulled a face.

  ‘You know, Sophie, if you ever feel nervous or your thoughts get too much, you should try this trick that my mum taught me.’ Anna put her arm round Sophie’s shoulders and planted a light kiss on the top of her head. ‘It’s called the alphabet game and you have to go round the room, or somewhere imaginary, and think of things for each letter in turn. You concentrate on it and suddenly you find the distraction’s worked and your thoughts are more orderly and you’re much calmer.’

  ‘So, A for apple.’ Sophie pointed at the fruit bowl. ‘B for bowl.’

  ‘Exactly. C for custard.’ Anna gestured towards the pan on the range.

  ‘D for Dad-Theo.’ Kitty joined in.

  They laughed. Theo lifted his elbow and Kitty and Anna watched as Sophie slipped her hand through her dad’s arm and the two headed for the sitting room. The two women followed behind.

  Anna put her arm around Kitty’s waist. ‘Bless her!’

  ‘I know.’ Kitty gazed lovingly at her little girl, walking forward with her dad. Dad-Theo.

  The elegant sitting room did indeed seem jam-packed with people. Kitty felt the flutter of nerves and was once again quite taken by Sophie’s maturity as Theo proudly walked her around the room, introducing her to Anna’s friends from St Lucia and their twins, and another friend, Melissa, and her two kids. There were cousins all the way from the USA, and an older lady, Sylvie, who grabbed Sophie and kissed her affectionately, and of course Theo’s mother, Stella, whom Kitty had heard a lot about when they were at school but had never met. She watched Stella look Sophie up and down from a distance. Kitty stepped forward to shake her hand. Stella was slender and chic, with killer cheekbones, a slick of red lipstick, and a large gin and tonic in her hand. Kitty remembered her being described back then as very pretty and dead trendy, and she was clearly still formidable, even now.

  ‘You’re an old Vaizian, I believe?’ Stella said.

  ‘Yes.’ Kitty swallowed. ‘The same year as Theo.’

  ‘Of course, of course.’ Stella nodded. ‘Did you know Mr Beckett, Theobald’s housemaster? He was our dear, dear friend, Becks. My husband was a Theobald’s boy, you know, and his father, and many others in our family.’

  ‘I know who Mr Beckett was, but I didn’t really know him. My cousins were in Tatum’s House.’

  Stella had already lost interest and Kitty was struck by how unlike her son she was, in either looks or manner.

  ‘Kitty, would you like to see my garden?’ Anna asked.

  Both women looked towards Sophie, who was standing close to her dad and being grilled by Anna’s cousin Jordan. ‘So, Sophie, I hear you’re at boarding school – is it anything like Hogwarts?’ he asked. ‘Please tell me it is!’

  ‘Yes, it’s exactly like that.’ Sophie nodded. ‘We have owls deliver our mail and everything!’

  ‘You don’t?’ Jordan’s mouth fell open.

  ‘No, of course we don’t!’

  Everyone laughed.

  ‘I think she’s fine.’ Ann
a smiled and Kitty followed her back into the kitchen and out into the magnificent garden. She gasped to find herself in the beautiful oasis. It was a wonderland of planting, with dainty paths picked across well-kempt lawns, trees arching over ornate iron benches to provide secret shady spots, and terracotta pots bursting with brightly coloured blooms.

  ‘Oh, Anna, this is so gorgeous!’ She felt quite moved by the cottagey ambience. It was truly lovely. ‘We have a little courtyard in Blackheath, no real garden, but this is something else!’

  ‘It’s my pride and joy. Here, come and sit down.’ Anna perched on a bench beneath a willow and Kitty took up the space next to her.

  ‘My family home has a lot of outside space, but it’s much more rugged.’ Kitty thought of the wide sweep of moorland that surrounded Darraghfield, wild and natural. ‘This must be so much work.’

  ‘It is, but it’s a joy. I grew up without a garden in Honor Oak Park and my mum, oh my word, she loved her plants and she longed for some outside space. I sit out here and think about her a lot. How she would have loved it.’

  ‘I lost my mum three years ago. It’s hard, isn’t it?’ Thinking about her mum still made Kitty tearful; she suspected it always would.

  ‘It really is.’ Anna coughed to clear her throat and Kitty braced herself. Anna had obviously wanted to get her alone, had things that needed saying.

  ‘I can’t tell you how much it means to Theo, to us both, to have you bring Sophie here today.’

  ‘It was about time.’ Kitty picked at an invisible thread on her trousers.

  ‘I was so worried about meeting you.’ Anna lowered her eyes. ‘Literally scared!’

  ‘Oh, Anna, no!’

  ‘Yes, I was! I’ve always been conscious of the fact that I went to a crappy school and wasn’t part of the Vaizey set.’

  ‘And I bet Theo’s mum has never, ever mentioned that…!’

  Anna laughed. ‘Not once – never!’

  It broke the ice. Kitty took a breath. ‘Well, I was worried about meeting you too, partly in case you were off with me, but mostly on Sophie’s behalf – she’s had quite a time of it.’

  Anna turned and placed her hand on Kitty’s arm. ‘I have held an image of you in my mind for years – the girl that got away.’

  ‘Hardly!’ Kitty giggled but was absurdly flattered.

  ‘Yes, really! And when I found out about Sophie, especially with us going through our own struggles to become parents, it was hard for me.’

  ‘I can imagine.’ Kitty held her gaze and spoke softly.

  ‘But then I thought about it and I realised that Sophie is a gift! Not just to Theo, but to me too. And I promise you, Kitty, that I will do my very best to make it work. I don’t want to mess this up and I only want Theo to be happy.’

  Kitty looked at the woman who had made her so welcome in her home, a woman who had every right to feel aggrieved at the world, which had taken her parents when she was so young and denied her the chance of motherhood, but that was clearly not Anna’s way. She exuded goodness, like magic. ‘You are quite remarkable, Anna, if you don’t mind me saying. You are lovely.’

  Anna reached over and held Kitty’s hand. ‘I will need your help. Can I call on you for advice or if I don’t know how to handle something? I’d hate to do or say the wrong thing.’

  ‘Of course you can.’ Kitty smiled at her. Her meaning was loud and clear: Anna would always make Sophie welcome, would make it as easy as possible for Theo and Sophie to spend time together, but she, Kitty, would always be her mum.

  ‘I just want her to like us, to love us!’ Anna bit her lip nervously.

  ‘I think you’re going to do just fine.’

  Anna reached over and plucked a full-headed carnation from a plant. ‘For you!’ She smiled.

  ‘Oh!’ Kitty held the tender bloom in her fingertips. It was a long time since she’d been given a flower with so much love.

  *

  After that Easter lunch, a pattern was established, with Sophie meeting up with Theo and Anna once every school holidays, always the highlight of her break. It was a system that lasted right through until she left Vaizey. Anna was brilliant at finding things to do that Sophie would like, trips to the cinema, lunches in greasy spoons, and they even got Theo to go ice-skating with them one Christmas. Kitty was always invited, but never went. She told Sophie that it was because she wanted her and her dad to get to know each other on their own terms, without her in the middle. But if she was being totally honest, there was a tiny bit of Kitty that just couldn’t quite face it, with Theo and Anna being so happy and she still a reluctant singleton. It wasn’t that she was jealous, but rather that it was a sharp reminder of all that she was missing.

  It was always Anna who called up and made the arrangements, and Kitty came to look forward to her calls. Once the pick-up and drop-off details had been decided, their conversation invariably moved on to other things – what was growing in Anna’s beloved garden, gossip from Kitty’s job in the art gallery in Blackheath, Olly’s progress through nursery and kindergarten and on into primary school. On occasion they talked about Theo too, especially the ups and downs of his latest housing projects, but most of all they talked about Sophie. She was the glue that bound them, both were so very proud of all she achieved and the young woman she was becoming. They even, late one night, squealed with delight at the future possibility of Sophie’s babies to whom they would both be ‘Grandma.’

  Kitty would quite often ask her advice about things. When Sophie phoned home from school and said she wanted to switch one of her A-level subjects and do art history instead of economics, it was Anna’s thoughtful, helpful input that had persuaded Kitty. Angus, on the other hand, had immediately scoffed, making his annoying ‘T’ sound and acting like it was a ridiculous idea.

  Sophie’s next bombshell was that she wanted to learn to drive. Vaizey allowed them to learn in their last year, so long as they were over seventeen and had parental approval. Kitty immediately phoned Anna to see what she thought.

  ‘I think it’s a fantastic idea!’ Anna had enthused.

  ‘You do? I worry that she’s a bit scatty with anything mechanical, not sure she’s safe.’

  ‘Yes exactly! I much prefer the idea of her being out on the road in Dorset rather than where we live – the girl is going to be a nightmare and the further from our streets the better!’

  Kitty roared her laughter. ‘I had not thought of it like that. You have a good point, Anna.’

  Moving Home

  Kitty slowly removed the pretty floral box file from the shelf on the dresser in the hallway. She sat on the sofa and balanced it on her knees, before slowly removing the lid. She ran her fingers over the faded layer of pink tissue paper, and stared at the shrivelled, dried carnation, once a vibrant lemon colour but now a pale khaki. Carefully, she lifted it from the box and laid it against her cheek.

  This was how she sat for some minutes, allowing the memories to settle.

  12

  2016

  Kitty knocked on the front door and waited. She scanned the windows, but with the curtains closed and no obvious lights to be seen, it was hard to tell whether anyone was home or not. She banged the envelope against her palm and figured she’d give it a minute or so and then if no one answered, she’d pop the card through the letterbox.

  It was almost a shock when the door opened rather suddenly and even more of a shock to see the state of the man who had opened it. His hair was dishevelled, he needed a shave and by the look of his shirt, he had been sleeping in it for some time. His eyes were bloodshot and swollen and he smelt less than fragrant. Theo Montgomery looked every one of his forty-nine years.

  ‘Oh, Theo, you look terrible.’ She stepped over the threshold as he stood back against the door.

  ‘Good. I feel terrible,’ he croaked. ‘How did you hear?’ His voice had the gravelly rasp of someone who hadn’t slept.

  Kitty had taken the phone call a couple of days earlier from a very distresse
d Sophie.

  ‘Mum…’ Sophie had fought to form words through her sobs. ‘Mum, I can’t believe it…’

  ‘What is it, darling?’ Kitty was at work, in the gallery. She quickly sat down on the stool behind the counter as her heart leapt in fear at what her daughter might be about to reveal.

  ‘It’s… it’s Anna,’ she began. ‘Stella just called me.’ An image of Theo’s formidable mother came into Kitty’s head. ‘Anna passed away, Mum. She died! Very suddenly.’ Sophie broke off to give in to her sobs and Kitty sat frozen in shock. ‘Oh, Mum! I can’t believe it. Theo is destroyed. Poor Dad. I can’t believe it.’

  ‘What happened? Do you know?’ Kitty asked softly.

  ‘Apparently it was her heart… Her mother died of the same thing, Stella said. I feel so sad, Mum. Really low. Anna was lovely. She loved me and I loved her, I really did.’

  ‘I know darling, I know.’ Her heart flexed in sadness for the loss of the lovely Anna, but also for the pain her daughter was in.

  ‘She… she helped me so much, especially when me and Dad first got to know each other. All those trips to fun places in the school holidays… D’you remember?’

  Kitty nodded vigorously. Of course she remembered. Her warm, funny phone chats with Anna had been a highlight during that time – almost every week, right up until Sophie had gone off to uni. After that, contact had dwindled a little. Kitty hadn’t felt quite right about initiating phone calls, and news had mostly been passed to and fro via Sophie, with Christmas cards and occasional emails in between. She hadn’t actually seen either Anna or Theo for about two years. And now it was too late. She felt like crying too.

  ‘I can’t think how different things might have been for Dad and me if we hadn’t had Anna as our interpreter,’ Sophie said. ‘She was wonderful and I shall miss her so much, Mum.’ Her voice cracked again.

  ‘Oh, my darling. Please don’t cry, Soph…’

  A wave of sadness washed through her. Sophie was right. She had benefitted hugely from having Anna’s influence in her life. Anna had been a woman without envy, without selfishness and with so much love to give.